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Newest Member: losingblindhope (44303)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Past the 180
knockeddown
♂ Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 was great for me for the first 12 weeks. I am now at the point at which I can peacefully and cordially speak to my STBXW about divorce proceedings and cooperating in the divorce (so that we don't pay and arm and a leg).

This goes against the grain of what people say here...to FILE and NEVER LET THEM KNOW ITS COMING. I think that involves hanging onto the anger that I want to let go. I have been like a healing machine lately and I feel that I am ready to free myself of the anger. This is a spiritual hurdle for me and I feel it is in my best interest for me to follow what's right for me in my situation.

It makes sense for someone to throw the divorce at his or her WS in the case that they want to save their marriage. I am realizing that mine is not worth saving. I look at her now--out of my own fog--and see how much of an unappealing person she is to me (feel free to read my profile to get a sense of her character/integrity). She has been a piece of work that I could never satisfy. I do not want to save my marriage--I want out of it.

I read on here that it can be co-dependent if you are in communication with your STBX beyond kids and finances...co-dependent behavior is rooted in the notion that one cannot survive without the nurturance from another. I am not getting any nurturance from her by calmly discussing our divorce. I am replacing my anger with forgiveness and moving forward with my life.


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Separated - living apart

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!

We all have to find our own way, our own path to surviving infidelity. While there are often a lot of generalities (File first and don't let'em know what hit them!), there is a lot of support for people discovering their own path.

Happy for you!


Posts: 726 | Registered: Sep 2010
bravegirl19
♀ New Member
Member # 43539
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knockeddown,

I completely respect your feelings and understand as I have just started what you did months ago. Against the advice of my friends and family, I have been civil and calm with my WH (even though he doesn't deserve it.) Everyone wants me to be mean and cut him out of our upcoming baby's life, but I just can't. I know it's wrong and not in the best interest of me or the baby. It's important for me to keep my integrity and be able to look back on this later and be proud of how I handled it. I may have to co-parent with this horrible STBXH, and I want to set the tone now that we can handle logistics and baby decisions via email without getting emotional about what has happened. The thought of seeing or talking to him makes me sick (so I'm not where you are….yet) but your post gives me hope that some day I too can discuss our son/daughter in a kind way.

You are my role model! I'm glad you have made peace with the end of your marriage, I'm on that road also…can't wait for more time to go by.


Me (BS) – 36
WS – 35
Dday – 5/25/14
Together since 2003, married 6 1/2 years
EA and PA with COW for at least 3 months WHILE I WAS PREGNANT (still don’t know the truth of the length of this affair or possibly others)
He doesn’t want to be married

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you write from a place of utter calm. When you can regard your STB former spouse with indifference and dis-interest, you have achieved a place of peace and strength. If the two of you can negotiate a divorce together, that takes into account the needs of your child, then I think that you are doing very well indeed.

FWIT, my XH (1st marriage, this is my 2nd) and I, once we came to the realization that we needed to divorce, very calmly and openly discussed what each of us needed, how we wanted to proceed, and did our own property split together. Our lawyer basically just advised us what paperwork we needed to file and then represented us in front of the judge. If you can manage to do this, to split up your marriage with the least amount of fuss, money, and stress, then I think that you're doing much better than most.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes if you can both calmly and effectively communicate and get the job done, without manipulation, and fighting, then go for it.

Unfortunately healing takes place at different rates, and a lot of, if not most of the time, One or the other in a divorcing couple chooses to fight, be mena, place blame, and not cooperate, and for those that are in a situation like that.....180 is smart.

Congrats on your healing. It aint easy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7807 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 5

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