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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I pick things WH says apart?
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For example... Last year during the discovery process, the OW who also worked for him told me that one of the times he had asked her to go to a casino with him after work at 3:30am that she actually suggested that he ask a male employee named Chris (who was friends with my husband outside of work). My husband responded by saying "I don't want to take Chris, I want to take you". When I told him what she said he said he doesn't remember saying that.
About a month ago he wanted to go to the casino and I didn't feel like going. Chris happened to be at our house helping my husband on a home repair project so I said why don't you ask Chris to go (not even thinking about the ow thing) and he says to me "because I don't want to take Chris, I want to take you". I said "you said the same exact thing to ow. Please don't ever say that to me again" and I walked away. He decided not go and stayed home with me.
Last week I had some communication with the OW by email. My husband was aware of it. I was telling him what a liar she was. We weren't arguing or anything about her. We were actually getting along well. I told him that I just wanted to know if the OW was lying to me and I asked him if that conversation took place. He started to accuse me of wanting to fight. I assured him that I was calm and just wanted to know if she was lying. I said if you tell me the truth, I wont ever ask about it again. You don't have to explain it and i won't throw it in your face. So he says yes he did say it. Then he starts trying to tell my why he said it and making up this rediculous reason that she plays black jack better than Chris. So i stopped him and said no need to explain to me. I thanked him for his honesty. I didn't react. I was calm and actually really happy that he told me the truth finally. I asked him if he explained to her why he wanted her over chris and he said he no. after that I left it alone and we had a great day together. He was very anxious and uncomfortable talking about it though. I was proud of us for communicating so well as those kind of questions usually snow ball into a fight.
Now here's the problem. A few days after that I start picking it apart. I think the only reason he was honest this time was because I asked him under the disguise of trying to prove what a liar the OW was. He couldn't remember before but admits it now so he can prove the OW isn't the liar I said she was. I feel like he's protecting her in a way. Then after he says the same exact thing to me that makes me think all kind of crazy things. I know it's stupid and this issue seems so minor but I do this all the time. I should be happy he was honest this time but instead I ruin it by over analyzing every word and possible motive. I haven't shared the negative thoughts with my husband because I don't want to discourage him from being honest again. It must really suck being married to me now. It's like nothing he says is good enough and I don't believe most of it anyway. I actually feel ashamed for thinking like this. Does anyone else do this?

Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scuba,
Firstly, why are you communicating with OW? That has to be a total disruption to healing and cause all kinds of issues. You need to go NC as well. That would make anyone crazy. I am sure you do it thinking it makes you safer, but it doesn't.

Secondly, it is likely at a year out that your husband does not remember a lot of the nitpicky details. If he is like my H, the affair is kind of like one big blur. Sitting and focusing on the minutia of the situation is not going to help in your healing. What little thing was said here, each individual bad decision, what small thing was implied there -- these are not going to get you anywhere. This is hard for me as well. I keep looking for pieces of the jigsaw puzzle -- but the truth is, the picture is already there.

Usually when I am going down that path, I am trying to gain some control over the situation. Well, guess what? I had zero control then. That is terrifying. My H made terrible decisions, and yours did too. Casino or no casino, Chris or no Chris. We cannot pull the magic thread that undoes what they did. Stop looking for the thread; I am trying as well.

Hang in there.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blindsided14
♂ Member
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can totally relate to this. Are you picking apart because there are still big picture things you don't think you've been told?

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2014
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, why are you communicating with OW? That has to be a total disruption to healing and cause all kinds of issues. You need to go NC as well. That would make anyone crazy. I am sure you do it thinking it makes you safer, but it doesn't

I came across new information that gave me all of the dates that my husband went to the casino in middle of the night and it was a lot more than I thought. So I started digging through phone bills and stuff again to see if he took her more than he admitted and I'm pretty sure he did. This set me back and in a weak moment I emailed her trying to get answers. Big mistake!! I could kick myself for giving her the satisfaction! But I don't normally communicate with her. It's the first time in 5 months. I will take your advice and stop looking for thread...i like that! I wish letting go didn't have to be so hard. thanks bionicgal.

Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blindside,
Yes, I think so but I can't prove it. It could just be me being afraid to trust though. I don't anymore. I have so many life changing things going on right now that I should be focused on and yet I'm stuck worrying about something that has already happened and that I can't change anyway. I really miss the fun, carefree, trusting woman I use to be.

Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope my post .didn't come across as harsh..I struggle with arguing with the past, too. I read a chapter on Acceptance last night, and thought, "I will never get there!"
Tough stuff


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionic- not harsh at all. I appreciate your insight. I know what you mean about never getting there. It is so hard...my husband tells me all the time "you jump out of airplanes for fun. You can do anything you set your mind to"

Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently...remember the OW is a liar too...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hand raised. I do it, too. He says he is almost afraid to say anything out of fear of "how I will spin it". This is crap as I dig deep and question things out of my own safety issues in this. I won't lied to about anything with him anymore. Certain things that come out of his mouth just suck, too. It shows he doesn't know me at all; I am a researcher by nature. Of course I am going to pull it apart and analyze it.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Dec 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certain things that come out of his mouth just suck, too. It shows he doesn't know me at all; I am a researcher by nature. Of course I am going to pull it apart and analyze it

I am a researcher by nature too. I don't think my husband really knows me very well either. We had a 3 hour discussion about everything last night and after it was over and he walked out of the room, I began to cry because I still felt so misunderstood. I can just tell that he does not get it. It's frustrating. How can I be married for 18 years to the same man and I feel like I'm a stranger to him??


Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

of the occasional, "you think too much."
I ask for clarification all the time. I have lists I bring to MC to ask again what he meant by it or if he still means it. When he gets frustrated he just throws stuff out there.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4751 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 11

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