Sorry just need to get this out. Can't see my psych for another 5 days
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
When the two of us were together - we were like two young people just starting our lives - with all the time in the world ahead of us.
I never felt so much love for a woman - never felt so complete inside - never felt so optimistic about a future that may not be as bright as it could have been.
It was so special ...
... but all that was torn away - and I am not sure she even understands what was lost in the long-run.
She phoned me tonight long distance asking for my assistance - and after I gave it - we parted again to lead our own individual lives once more - as though we never met.
Now I am back at square one - asking many of the questions you yourself asked above in your discussion.
It will be a very difficult night for me as I lay in the bed we once shared. Her new life is shiny and bright - mine is tattered and torn.
Please be strong for yourself and your precious children. I was from a broken home myself - I know how much your children need you right now.
Regards - BlackHorse.
It can drive you crazy and it will if you let it. I am so sorry for your pain which is so raw. I too had so many questions and the "whys" consumed me and nearly drove me mad. Some of the answers to the "whys" also lead to more questions. Know you are normal.
You will never understand the logic and the whys and this may sound hard but you need to eventually block those "whys" when they hit you and replace it with "He has failed himself and I am worth more" or something like that and repeat it every single time a "why" hits you.
Nothing makes sense right now, I get that. You are on a rollercoaster. Read stories here, speak about it, but NEVER let this detract from who you are as a person, you are worth more than letting infidelity steal YOU too.
You are climbing a mountain right now - there are lots of fellow mountain climbers along the same damn path and I am here to tell you that one day, you will get to the top and you will see it all from above, breathe and see a new future ahead of you. You don't see it now but it is there.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
You are strong even though you may not feel strong. Sometimes good enough is good enough. If that means providing the basics for your kids because you don't have anything to give for the "extras" that day, that is ok. If it means a night of ice cream for dinner or popping in a movie for them to watch so you can take a bath or read or do something you enjoy--everyone will be fine. A hug and a kiss and knowing that you love them can go far. I bet you are functioning better than you give yourself credit for.
It is like being on an airplane and they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child/ren. Take care of yourself and it will naturally help the children. No, I am not saying focus only on yourself and neglect them. What I am saying to give yourself permission to focus on you a little bit and to take care of yourself.
During my IC , I said that it just wasn't fair. My WS had killed our marriage and I had to deal with the fallout of all his selfish choices and the effects of the Affair on myself and our child. My IC simply stated that "life isn't fair". It hurt me to think about it like that but it hit home. Life is not fair and all I can do is move forward with the broken pieces and make decisions that put me and my child first.
You've got this stunnedmullet. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute but you've got this.
Status: cautiously in R
There is no good answer. Eventually, you really will stop asking. For now, it's normal to be consumed and obsessed by this thought. It hurts so much, but it's a stage--it will pass. I wish I could take some of the hurt and turmoil and confusion away from you. But know you have been heard, that you are not alone, and that you deserved much better. Let yourself feel everything that comes to the surface and, as hard as it is, trust to time.
Sending peace and strength your way. I hope you can feel it.
Because people can be very hurtful and selfish. You probably will never understand. Just remember its their selfishness.
Do you keep a journal? I have one that I keep (not even my WH knows i have it, its somewhere I go to put down my most private thoughts) and write in when things get to be to much. Its fulled with questions that might never get answered but it helps me to get them out.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
We thought we were the lucky one...we thought we were enough.....we thought we were so happy and blessed and special and (some) the "perfect couple." When that bubble bursted, we, unfortunately only felt the opposite and every despicable emotion imaginable.
Their awful actions of betrayal have changed us, our feelings about people and the world, how we interact with others, how we feel about the every chores and joys of life. It numbs and dulls everything we see and touch. It completely destroy the perception of what a good M we thought we had.
They did this to us and never thought about the consequences of their actions. The one and only person whom we thought would always have our back....stabbed us a million times over and twisted that knife thru our hearts. It feels like death would be preferred over this this slow, lingering, torturing, tormenting pain, sadness, bitterness & despair that betrayal brings.
In my case, extreme selfishness and a sense of entitlement were his main downfall. I believe all the ego stroking, cake eating, secretcy, curiousity (we were each other's first love), boredom, etc contributed to the "high" while he was in the affair. He said he always loved me and never intended to leave the M, yet he was able to sickly compartmentalized it all for over 2 yrs.
It appears in your case that it involved just one AP. Mine involved 2 other APs and a handful of escorts. Your H at least had the guilty conscious which I wish my H had to end the A instead of me discovering out myself....my body cringes everytime I think about his A & how he was able to lie to me for so long!
R is a long and difficult road. We are the strong one, just like before, that has to be the mortal that holds the bricks together because of our WSes weakness and brokenness.
Some of the whys may never be fully answered and some may lingered in our heads for a long time to come. I've come to accept the reality that this is my new life...full of confusion, uncertainty, sadness, bitterness.....but I have come to realize that we ourselves control our own happiness and destiny. I will turn the lemons I receive into sweet lemonade to drink and savor and live life to the fullest and not let his betrayal consume me. It has made me a stronger person and
I will survive and make my M better than it ever was.
I hope you find peace and tranquility in this turbulent journey ahead.....
Callmesteph - thank you x
Just try and get through one day at a time. You can always leave but it sounds like your husband wants to stay and wants his marriage.
Just remember, when someone falls into the Willy Wonka chocolate fantasy of an affair, their brain is just like it is when addicted to a drug. They are just not thinking clearly because they are fogged up by lust and the excitement of something new.
But as we all know, many times something new and shiny turns out to be just a rust-bucket with a bright coat of paint.
You are not alone and all the folks here will listen, sympathize, and support you every step of the way. Be strong, take care of your self and know most of all that you did not deserve this and this is not your fault. Hugs.
You've taken the words and thoughts of every betrayed spouse here. Like you I struggle each and everyday with all of the why questions.
There will be a day and a time for all of us to leave this behind us. Things will get better for you I promise. Let you mind process this information as it is a step towards healing.
Each day that passes is a day further away from the trauma. Keep your chin up, keep reading and posting, and we will survive this. This is surviving infidelity not drowning in infidelity.
Its ok to hurt. You have to go through it to get to the other side. I've made discoveries about myself since my world turned upside down and so will you. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.