Since discovery we've moved out of our town to a new home. We've talked endlessly. We've been to couples therapy but there was always something nagging at my wife that she didn't have the full story. I promised her that she did. She was mainly interested in the physical details. She wanted to move forward but could not. I was mainly interested in moving forward with some new found understanding of what makes me tick (see therapy above). For that I am proud of myself. However, my wife was right. Lately our conversations have been getting deeper and deeper as I have explored my thoughts and behaviors through therapy - and with great insight from my wife. Did I hate my wife? Did I resent her? Why choose someone else over the family? I could also go on about my obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Control issues really. The good news on this front is that I am doing much better. Getting to the point...last night I finally gave the big reveal, the missing pieces. 1.5 years too late. And I even asked for amnesty before I spoke so she wouldn't run to the lawyers office. Not the words of someone who really cares about the person he's speaking with. Needless to say she can now move forward - just not with me. The lying cheating pig.
So, for those of you who are still holding on to details of the affair that your spouse needs to start the healing process, please provide it and let go of the outcome. My wife has described it as me throwing a million shards of glass on the ground and every step cuts her further.
Even if you think you are protecting your spouse, you're not. The only one you are protecting is you!
I left check mark off. All are welcome to comment. I have a long story to tell - some good and some obviously very bad - and will be happy to share when my time permits me to get back on the site.
Bs here, and I agree that TT and lying were the downfall of my marriage-not the actual affair.
Keep working on yourself and use this situation to make yourself a better, more healthy person.
So, for those of you who are still holding on to details of the affair that your spouse needs to start the healing process, please provide it and let go of the outcome.
That is something I had to come to terms with before DDay2 in my 65 days of TT. For myself, I was in a paradox. Some psychologists said spare the details, but then said do not hide anything. I opted for the do not hide anything. Any detail asked, I try to give all the information. When I say try, some things were from 4 years ago and it takes time to remember.
I am sorry to hear about the split.
Out of curiosity, what did you hold back? If you wanted to share.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women
One more thing...I know I left this site awhile ago. My therapist suggested that this is not real or you don't know who's at the other end. I agreed. But even today after one quick note I feel a little support. I have a history of stopping something when I think I see the end (except therapy!). I look for the easy way out. It's why I dragged my wife through the glass shards mentioned above. You learned it in school - honesty is always the best policy. Easy words but sometimes hard to do with all the baggage we carry around. It's been hard for ME anyway. Easy to say you want to live a genuine life - sometimes for people it's hard to execute.
My therapist suggested that this is not real or you don't know who's at the other end.
I took a gamble on TT. Left out a detail QS *knew* to be true. A year later, yep. He was right. Thank God he decided it wasn't enough to pull the plug. I wasn't protecting him, but myself. I was covering shame.
Keep working needhelp123. You need to be healthy, whether you're married or not.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
I tried to minimize, I thought, my wife's pain by sparing the details on things like that.
I think the majority do this. I know I did. I thought hey she knows I am a cheater. spare her the details. when it is really sparing ourselves the accountability of our actions.
DDay1 I got busted by text message from an EA that I had not deleted. and I ommitted the PA's and did the same thing. "Well at least I didn't xxxxx" Thankfully on DDay2 I came clean with almost all in the first discussion, and corrected what I had omitted in the second discussion a few hours later. And also thankfully there had only been about 65 days between. My A's were actually representations of my selfishness. I didn't have intercourse only received oral sex. Hell I didn't even care about my AP's needs. But I was leaving these details out, knowing that if my BS knew I would most likely never receive that again. I was still being selfish.
Easy to say you want to live a genuine life - sometimes for people it's hard to execute
I totally get this. the 2 parts I am working on are:
Continuity - being the same everywhere I am.
Just Being - Allow myself to Just Be.
Keep fighting for yourself. All other battles depend on this victory.
Hard to execute because I think the focus is on one aspect of my life and it needs to be everywhere - especially in the most important relationship. I've focused on moving forward. My therapist says you must move forward and that my BS is stuck in the past. Hell, I even quoted it. But do I really believe that? Actually, my wife's intuition was right on. And my therapist didn't see my wife everyday. The truth is that the details were bad but not worse than the lies. The lies just kill you in the end and those closest. The collateral damage is terrible.
Thanks for this message. As a BW in a similar position to your BW, I can only endorse what you have said. 4 year's ago, I was told it was an ONS, all in the past, all over. 2 year's ago, I discovered they still met socially, but they claimed they were just good friends. I had no evidence, but in my gut I didn't believe him. Less that 2 weeks ago! he finally told me it was a 10 year LTA. He has now sent a proper NC email and really finished the relationship.
Even though the truth is far worse that what I had previously been told and I am probably still in shock, I feel so much better. Only now can I feel that we can work together to get through this. There's no saying that we will make it, as it is so early on and it sometimes feels like a deal breaker.
We are now talking, in MC, he's answering all questions, all details, he is not defensive, just remorseful. I'm not raging out of control, I am calm and factual. We are planning how to make me feel safe and how to rebuild my trust. We know it will take ages, but until he told the full truth, there was no way we could recover and no way I could heal. He too says, he feels an enormous sense of relief that it is over and that he no longer needs to lie to me. He has been under strain for years, lying and covering up.
For other waywards, the only way to protect and heal your BS, is to tell the truth and work together. The more you lie, the more difficult it gets to tell the truth and guess what ?your BS always has this inkling that they haven't been told everything and that's what winds them up and upsets them.
I hope we make it. Lying for so long has made it so much harder, but at least we have a chance now.
A few questions for you if you don't mind. I'm wondering what your thought process is/was when you found out 2 weeks ago. I can imagine a lot of anger because that is how my BS feels today. What is it about you that allows you to try and repair the relationship? Don't mean to be intrusive.