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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed
sunny58
♀ New Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s been a week since I found out that my husband has been using escort services for the last year. He works from home and has lots of free time while I work in an office environment. We have been married over 11 years and his being unfaithful was never on my radar.
I’m not the suspicious type and that’s probably why it was so easy for him. The way I found out was that we were making hotel reservations on hotwire and I logged into his account. Much to my dismay I saw at least 15 reservations to local hotels. (He messed up because I guess it never occurred to him that they kept a history of his transactions, he even gave me the user information.) I questioned him about it and he was speechless. Seems like this has been going for a while. Curiosity got the best of me and I started snooping around. Looking through his date planner I found several listings of random phone numbers. I “Googled” numbers and they all revealed connections to escort services and even the website ashleymadison.com.
I was devastated. I want a divorce now. Of course I confronted him and he claims the behavior is a thing of the past (the last hotel visit was two weeks ago). He is the obsessive type so once he's on to something he’s there. I don’t believe him nor do I trust anything he has to say. He claims he loves me and has volunteered to go to counseling to save the marriage. I want a divorce. However, I did agree to go to counseling. I also made an appointment with an attorney to find out what I should do. Did I mention how I feel betrayed? I can’t sleep. It would be so much easier if we were apart. It would be easier for me to heal if I didn’t have to see his face every day. Unfortunately, the house and everything we have is in my name and why should I leave my house?
Just so you know…This is the second marriage for both of us and the first one left him financially unstable…child support, alimony, bad credit, etc. Our children are grown and we are “empty nesters.” I want a divorce but I agreed to counseling. Would you believe that he thinks everything is OK? He is now being super sweet and attentive and all I see is an old pervert. He somehow has flipped the switch and now I’m the one who feels somewhat guilty and inadequate. He has been super sweet and wants us to return to the way we were. That’s his past but this is my present. I can’t even look at him without seeing disgust. I have no respect for him now. We are scheduled to go to our first counseling session on Saturday. If I agree to try and make this work, how do I get the demons out of my head? I cannot compete with those types of girls and I don’t want to. I’m sure that if he’s into escorts he surely watching porn. He never wanted that kind of sex with me. He presented himself to be the “straight lace” guy who was satisfied with only the missionary position and he didn’t want to experiment. We are middle aged (He’s 65 and I’m 55) and I know he’s going through midlife crisis. He’s been taking testosterone shots, working out, and lost over 20 pounds. He has suffered erectile dysfunction and now with the testosterone shots he is able to get it up again. (I'm in great shape too, just in case you wanted to know... We both workout all the time together.)
Sorry this is so long. There are other things I haven’t shared but hopefully you get the point.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
BrokenheartedUK
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Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome sunny58 to the club that no one wants to be a member of.

You sound pretty together and certain at the moment but I would prepare yourself for a future roller coaster of emotions no matter what the outcome. Is your husband in IC? He should be. Are you in IC? At the very least you should think about it because you will need the support.

Have a look at the healing library and start reading. It really does help.

It sounds like your husband wanted to get caught (they never think that they do but, duh!) and he needs help. You've survived one divorce so you know what you're in for.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hugs!!


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 140 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since he's banging whores, the first stop you should make is the doctors office for thorough STD/HIV testing.

At the lawyers, explain how divorce is a strong possibility, and you learn how to financially protect yourself. This may mean separating joint accounts now, for instance. WH is spending your joint money on whores and hotels. Who knows how much?

Counseling? From what many, many others have posted here, HE needs individual counseling to get his head on straight. You may need it to cope, but he's going to have to go himself.

Excuse the rough language, but his actions are so selfish that it's hard to be polite.

And, think of how,hard he was working for your financial future when he was testing the mattresses at the local hotels.


Posts: 750 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you know you will want to plan your exit carefully if or when you D..Especially if your WH has been financially dependent on you for most of those 11 years...

I am nearing 60 and have been retired for a little over a year....Health reasons...I am done with my M, my WH is disgusting and non remorseful.. WH also into anonymous encounters..I have lost all respect for him...

I haven't filed yet either but I will....I do try to be away for a period of time each month..A lot actually....Visits with family members......Just so I don't have to be in the same house as WH very often..

But I want my own place so badly I can taste it..My WH has no pension or savings, his income source is unstable..So that means a portion of my meager income source/savings will go to him..He has refused my request that he leave the house..So I have to legally force him out..

So a LEGAL physical separation by D would be financially catastrophic for me, unless my WH agreed to buy me out of my interest in the house (already paid for) by leaving my pension and savings alone so that I could have something to start my own new life with....Even if WH does leave my pension and savings alone, (he says he is entitled to 1/2 of it ) I would still have to un retire, but there would be the possibility that I wouldn't have the need to work full time ( If I get a small cheap place) or take a job I don't want for the higher pay..

I agree, do not leave your own house...Does your WH refuse to leave?.

Did you have this house and your assets before you married him..If you did, you have every right to evict him, but you will still need a lawyer to sift through all of the legalities of a S or D settlement..
I agree with schadenfreude about the need for STI testing..Your WH did throw your hard earned income after trash...You may be able to recover some of it eventually, if you have GOOD legal help..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:28 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Nov 2011
sunny58
♀ New Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support! I have been to the healing library and it’s helped. Yeah maybe subconsciously he wanted to be caught but he's so much into himself that he probably never dreamed he would (he’s too smart for that).
The first thing I did when I found out was to get tested. Everything appears to be OK for now.
We never really merged our assets or finances when we got married. He was in debt with the IRS (among others) and most everything’s in my name. He is no longer paying child support or alimony so financially he recovered with my help. In the past he was always crying broke so he claimed he couldn’t help out with the household expenses but I now know he has money, at least for his whores. Until this all happened we considered ourselves in a better place where we could start enjoying ourselves and start travelling more (no debt, kids out the house, etc)
We have no kids together. Our children were from our past marriages. The only thing we have legally together because of our state’s community property laws is the house (which is in my name) and I intend to sell it if I do decide to get a divorce or he can buy me out. I have no desire to live here. I was financially independent when we got married and I’m actually better off now since the kids are grown (well my daughter is in college…and until the student loans start kicking in).

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not feel guilty. It is hard to keep from internalizing your WH's behavior and making you feel like it's your failure, but it's most emphatically NOT.

As for counseling, he needs IC for him before you do MC. You should get some support in therapy for yourself too. Until he reckons with his past behavior internally and is able to figure out his brokenness, trying to work on the marriage is futile.

I'm so sorry you're here but stay strong. You seem to know that you will be fine without him--hang onto that knowledge, it si the truth.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3832 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunny

First, try to catch your breath. You are not alone in getting blindsided, and there are people here who can help you.
If it is from two weeks ago, that does not qualify as over, so I'd insist in MC that the lying stop.
I know you will not feel any better right now, but the fact that you are not dealing with a woman he really has feelings for is in your favor if you decide you want to try to continue.
There is no third party that you are being told he has deep emotions for that is waiting in the wings. There are serious issues that he has to address but the "demons" are just bodies with vaginas that have no romantic interest in him.

Try to calm yourself as you begin to figure it out.


Posts: 797 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a divorce now.

I knew when I was "done" in my marriage. At that point, I would of not agreed to MC. It would of been 'too little too late' for me.

If you are really done and really want a divorce now, maybe do some IC to help you cope with your discoveries and help you through the process.

However, if you are not really 100% sure you are done then give it time.

You are holding all the cards right now. Decide what you really want and head down that road.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2015 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on the student loans..I still have a small trickle left of my DSS's student loan to pay off, and then WHEW, it will be a relief to have that bill out of the way..

I know all of the details of our household finances, as far as joint debt, bills etc...I am the spouse who has been managing these finances..What I don't know for the moment is if there has been money spent in secret with secret credit cards in my WH's name..Small risk I take in order to bide my time until I am ready to file for D..

Here comes a mini vent....

I have trouble dealing with the laws that allow a cheating deadbeat spouse to intentionally get over big time on the loyal spouse, possibly stealing his or her livelihood for the foreseeable future..

For me no bueno, because I am already old, lol

We can and will get thru this and we will be okay... Support of family and friends makes this crap easier to stomach..

I am glad you already visited the healing library! Such a good place...


(((Hugs)))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:29 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There may not be anybody waiting in the wings, but anonymous bodies and vaginas present their own very special dangers...

The WS is as always, playing with a live future destroying bomb..

A serious issue indeed..

IMHO, if there is a means, it is wise to physically separate from a spouse who is into anonymous encounters... Until this WS has identified his problem, has gotten help, has been solidly working thru his or her issue for some time and can be trusted not to act out..

One doesn't have to have a person to person contact or encounter with somebody underaged to be arrested and dinged for life..

All it takes is for the underage teen porno pics/dialogue to be found/recovered from the WS's hard drive..The consumer does not even have to be aware that the person was underaged to be liable..

Then there are those person to person meet ups at hotels which turn out to be stings..Or heaven forbid, somebody who is of age cries rape in the aftermath of a consensual NSA meeting..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:23 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Nov 2011
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no respect for him now. We are scheduled to go to our first counseling session on Saturday. If I agree to try and make this work, how do I get the demons out of my head? I cannot compete with those types of girls and I don’t want to. I’m sure that if he’s into escorts he surely watching porn. He never wanted that kind of sex with me.

Sounds like your wayward has Madonna/whore syndrome. That means he does not want to soil his wife with racy or perverse sexual acts.

Get tested.

It's sad how so many waywards don't understand the damage that will be done, when caught. And, they always eventually get caught.

As for competing with porn stars, prostitutes and whores, no wife can. No matter what she looks like. Nor, no matter how nice she is.

He presented himself to be the “straight lace” guy who was satisfied with only the missionary position and he didn’t want to experiment. We are middle aged (He’s 65 and I’m 55) and I know he’s going through midlife crisis.

Classic.


He’s been taking testosterone shots, working out, and lost over 20 pounds. He has suffered erectile dysfunction and now with the testosterone shots he is able to get it up again. (I'm in great shape too, just in case you wanted to know... We both workout all the time together.)

Viagra and testosterone are causing a lot of infidelities

I bet you are gorgeous.

Your husband needs counseling badly. Will he get individual counseling.

See an attorney, too, and ask about hiring a forensic accountant to track all the money he has spent on prostitutes.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 741 | Registered: May 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sunny

(((hugs)))

Sorry you had to find us but just so you know, you are in a safe a good spot.

We have all been faced with the lies and deceit of infidelity. It sucks. There is no other way to put it.

Right now you can't believe one thing he says. He is a proven liar and cheater.

He will say anything to save his ass right now.

He has been super sweet and wants us to return to the way we were

Sorry, doesn't work that way. He can't undo the fact that he has been meeting up with call girls and having sex with other women. Sorry does not quite cover this one.

Keep reading, keep educating yourself on this rollercoaster ride called infidelity. Knowledge is power.

Believe nothing...question everything.

Stay strong and keep posting. You can make it to the other side one way or another. You can. You will.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
sunny58
♀ New Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad that I found this website. I wish I had thought of searching earlier. You all have been so much comfort to me. Too bad we all had to meet under these circumstances but I bless you for being here for me. Thank you. I hope to return the favor.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
sunny58
♀ New Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just spoke to him about being tested and seeking individual counseling for himself. He reluctantly agreed to both, however, he seemed confused by my request to be tested because he claims he always used condoms. Unbelievable!!!!

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunny:

Yes. It is unbelievable.

Can you show him some online proof that condoms don't protect a user 100 percent, nor from all viruses.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 741 | Registered: May 2014
sunny58
♀ New Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks seethelight,
I just sent him an email. Found this on the CDC website:
Will a condom guarantee I won't get a sexually transmitted disease?
No. Consistent and correct use of the male latex condom reduces the risk of sexually transmitted disease (STD) and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) transmission. However, condom use cannot provide absolute protection against any STD. The most reliable ways to avoid transmission of STDs are to abstain from sexual activity, or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. However, many infected persons may be unaware of their infection because STDs often are asymptomatic and unrecognized.
In other words, sex with condoms isn't totally "safe sex," but it is "less risky" sex.
HIV infection is, by far, the most deadly STD, and considerably more scientific evidence exists regarding condom effectiveness for prevention of HIV infection than for other STDs. The body of research on the effectiveness of latex condoms in preventing sexual transmission of HIV is both comprehensive and conclusive The ability of latex condoms to prevent transmission of HIV has been scientifically established in “real-life” studies of sexually active couples as well as in laboratory studies.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Raspberry
♀ Member
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry...this hurts. I know. Mine cheated with whores too. Disgusted by him. Hes an animal and did it when I was pregnant with our second child. Didnt even think about me carrying his child or how he endangered all of us. Selfish prick.

Please pm me if you need to vent...we can swap idiotic husband stories. I found out a day after our anniversary last yr that he had gotten a "happy ending massage" but this feb he trickle truthed and told me of 5 hookers. I cant believemI'm here stil.


Big hugs to you.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
HonoringVows
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Member # 41043
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can completely relate..."Can't compete". I have a husband who had been with an escort (4 years ago) and recently found out he had made calls to others after we had reconciled and I thought we were on track...but were they just calls as he swears they were? Just got tested this week and am waiting for the results. It is humiliating and degrading to tell the doctor about your husband's infidelities. He prefers Asian women...and of course, they are young, petite. He is 56, me 45. Married 20 years. The trust is gone. He says he is ashamed, and wants to go to counseling....I almost can't even stand to lay in the same bed as him. How does he expect me to go down on him, when I know a paid professional escort (who may have had a disease) has gone down on him? I gag just thinking about it!


Me: 45
WH: 56
Married almost 21 years
3 adult children: 24, 19, 18
1st found out July 2010
Found phone calls and texts to/from escorts April 2014
Just Started Counseling

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did his first marriage end? Did he cheat on his first wife? If you can ask her, I would. If he did, that would be a serious strike against considering reconciliation.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8793 | Registered: Jan 2008
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here. I can sense you are done. I was that way when I found out. Just done. I didn't want to spend time or money or effort on MC. To me that was a useless effort since I had no intentions of reconciling. For some of us, this type of behavior is a deal breaker.

Good luck!


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 928 | Registered: Feb 2005
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