You sound pretty together and certain at the moment but I would prepare yourself for a future roller coaster of emotions no matter what the outcome. Is your husband in IC? He should be. Are you in IC? At the very least you should think about it because you will need the support.
Have a look at the healing library and start reading. It really does help.
It sounds like your husband wanted to get caught (they never think that they do but, duh!) and he needs help. You've survived one divorce so you know what you're in for.
Good luck and keep us posted.
At the lawyers, explain how divorce is a strong possibility, and you learn how to financially protect yourself. This may mean separating joint accounts now, for instance. WH is spending your joint money on whores and hotels. Who knows how much?
Counseling? From what many, many others have posted here, HE needs individual counseling to get his head on straight. You may need it to cope, but he's going to have to go himself.
Excuse the rough language, but his actions are so selfish that it's hard to be polite.
And, think of how,hard he was working for your financial future when he was testing the mattresses at the local hotels.
I am nearing 60 and have been retired for a little over a year....Health reasons...I am done with my M, my WH is disgusting and non remorseful.. WH also into anonymous encounters..I have lost all respect for him...
I haven't filed yet either but I will....I do try to be away for a period of time each month..A lot actually....Visits with family members......Just so I don't have to be in the same house as WH very often..
But I want my own place so badly I can taste it..My WH has no pension or savings, his income source is unstable..So that means a portion of my meager income source/savings will go to him..He has refused my request that he leave the house..So I have to legally force him out..
So a LEGAL physical separation by D would be financially catastrophic for me, unless my WH agreed to buy me out of my interest in the house (already paid for) by leaving my pension and savings alone so that I could have something to start my own new life with....Even if WH does leave my pension and savings alone, (he says he is entitled to 1/2 of it ) I would still have to un retire, but there would be the possibility that I wouldn't have the need to work full time ( If I get a small cheap place) or take a job I don't want for the higher pay..
I agree, do not leave your own house...Does your WH refuse to leave?.
Did you have this house and your assets before you married him..If you did, you have every right to evict him, but you will still need a lawyer to sift through all of the legalities of a S or D settlement..
I agree with schadenfreude about the need for STI testing..Your WH did throw your hard earned income after trash...You may be able to recover some of it eventually, if you have GOOD legal help..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:28 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
As for counseling, he needs IC for him before you do MC. You should get some support in therapy for yourself too. Until he reckons with his past behavior internally and is able to figure out his brokenness, trying to work on the marriage is futile.
I'm so sorry you're here but stay strong. You seem to know that you will be fine without him--hang onto that knowledge, it si the truth.
First, try to catch your breath. You are not alone in getting blindsided, and there are people here who can help you.
If it is from two weeks ago, that does not qualify as over, so I'd insist in MC that the lying stop.
I know you will not feel any better right now, but the fact that you are not dealing with a woman he really has feelings for is in your favor if you decide you want to try to continue.
There is no third party that you are being told he has deep emotions for that is waiting in the wings. There are serious issues that he has to address but the "demons" are just bodies with vaginas that have no romantic interest in him.
Try to calm yourself as you begin to figure it out.
I want a divorce now.
I knew when I was "done" in my marriage. At that point, I would of not agreed to MC. It would of been 'too little too late' for me.
If you are really done and really want a divorce now, maybe do some IC to help you cope with your discoveries and help you through the process.
However, if you are not really 100% sure you are done then give it time.
You are holding all the cards right now. Decide what you really want and head down that road.
I know all of the details of our household finances, as far as joint debt, bills etc...I am the spouse who has been managing these finances..What I don't know for the moment is if there has been money spent in secret with secret credit cards in my WH's name..Small risk I take in order to bide my time until I am ready to file for D..
Here comes a mini vent....
I have trouble dealing with the laws that allow a cheating deadbeat spouse to intentionally get over big time on the loyal spouse, possibly stealing his or her livelihood for the foreseeable future..
For me no bueno, because I am already old, lol
We can and will get thru this and we will be okay... Support of family and friends makes this crap easier to stomach..
I am glad you already visited the healing library! Such a good place...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:29 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
The WS is as always, playing with a live future destroying bomb..
A serious issue indeed..
IMHO, if there is a means, it is wise to physically separate from a spouse who is into anonymous encounters... Until this WS has identified his problem, has gotten help, has been solidly working thru his or her issue for some time and can be trusted not to act out..
One doesn't have to have a person to person contact or encounter with somebody underaged to be arrested and dinged for life..
All it takes is for the underage teen porno pics/dialogue to be found/recovered from the WS's hard drive..The consumer does not even have to be aware that the person was underaged to be liable..
Then there are those person to person meet ups at hotels which turn out to be stings..Or heaven forbid, somebody who is of age cries rape in the aftermath of a consensual NSA meeting..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:23 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
I have no respect for him now. We are scheduled to go to our first counseling session on Saturday. If I agree to try and make this work, how do I get the demons out of my head? I cannot compete with those types of girls and I don’t want to. I’m sure that if he’s into escorts he surely watching porn. He never wanted that kind of sex with me.
Sounds like your wayward has Madonna/whore syndrome. That means he does not want to soil his wife with racy or perverse sexual acts.
It's sad how so many waywards don't understand the damage that will be done, when caught. And, they always eventually get caught.
As for competing with porn stars, prostitutes and whores, no wife can. No matter what she looks like. Nor, no matter how nice she is.
He presented himself to be the “straight lace” guy who was satisfied with only the missionary position and he didn’t want to experiment. We are middle aged (He’s 65 and I’m 55) and I know he’s going through midlife crisis.
He’s been taking testosterone shots, working out, and lost over 20 pounds. He has suffered erectile dysfunction and now with the testosterone shots he is able to get it up again. (I'm in great shape too, just in case you wanted to know... We both workout all the time together.)
Viagra and testosterone are causing a lot of infidelities
I bet you are gorgeous.
Your husband needs counseling badly. Will he get individual counseling.
See an attorney, too, and ask about hiring a forensic accountant to track all the money he has spent on prostitutes.
Sorry you had to find us but just so you know, you are in a safe a good spot.
We have all been faced with the lies and deceit of infidelity. It sucks. There is no other way to put it.
Right now you can't believe one thing he says. He is a proven liar and cheater.
He will say anything to save his ass right now.
He has been super sweet and wants us to return to the way we were
Sorry, doesn't work that way. He can't undo the fact that he has been meeting up with call girls and having sex with other women. Sorry does not quite cover this one.
Keep reading, keep educating yourself on this rollercoaster ride called infidelity. Knowledge is power.
Believe nothing...question everything.
Stay strong and keep posting. You can make it to the other side one way or another. You can. You will.
Yes. It is unbelievable.
Can you show him some online proof that condoms don't protect a user 100 percent, nor from all viruses.
Please pm me if you need to vent...we can swap idiotic husband stories. I found out a day after our anniversary last yr that he had gotten a "happy ending massage" but this feb he trickle truthed and told me of 5 hookers. I cant believemI'm here stil.
Big hugs to you.