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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Angry for my BH - NC not respected
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***ETA: Sorry for the spelling error in the title ***

This is venty.

We are a little past 2 years from Dday - R is going well, but I have to say the continuing consequences of the crazy I invited into our lives never seems to end.

In the last month, two bizarre situations have interrupted our otherwise strong path to R.

First, OM's BFF blocked me in my car, and gleefully insisted that I "couldn't escape him now", and he cared so much about me and my BH, and wanted us all to be great friends.

We are NC with this person, and any close friend of OM. When he refused to back off, I lost it a little bit and told him he was complete idiot, I would never associate with him, and to basically F-off. Then I called the police, as I have told him several times to leave me alone. Word on the street is he "thought" my BH was abusing me (because why else would I be NC with him?), and that I was too afraid to tell anyone, and he wanted to be the KISA. Idiot.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, OM's teenager came into our business, asking for a summer job. My BH took her outside, and flat out told her that I am at the workplace frequently, and that he would not be comfortable having her as an employee, given the circumstances (of which she is fully aware). She responded by saying SHE had forgiven me, therefore she saw no problems with working there.

Now, this girl has watched her Mom suffer through numerous DDays, is aware of multiple OW, and yet seems to be oblivious to my BH's triggers, and completely contemptuous of his healing timeline.

I am angry for my BH. He is really good at putting things in perspective and moving forward, but I am outraged that people so close to the situation have so little compassion for him and what he is going through.

Do others have problems enforcing NC? Is NC considered to be "unhealthy" or "unenlightened" by some people?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[This message edited by Happeningtome at 12:16 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - don't see a stop sign.

I do think NC is seen as "crazy" and "unhealthy" by some people, usually those who stand to lose the most from going NC. My WH's affair partner(s), who were my so-called friends, had an absolute fit about the fact that I didn't want to have a relationship with them anymore after DDay, and were horribly verbally abusive towards me about it. Just for the crime of going NC I was told 5 days after DDay that my "behavior was bullshit", that I was irrational, that I was responsible for all of my WH's life problems (yeah, I tied him up, held him at gunpoint, and made him have an affair with my best friend ), that what "I did" would "leave a sour taste in everyone's mouth", and so forth. It was brutal.

I am sure that to this day they think I am some crazy, controlling harpy keeping my poor, abused WH locked up in the basement so that he can't go fulfill his life's true destiny as someone else's polyamorous side piece. But for all of his wayward mistakes, one thing that I am 100% sure that he has not done over the last 11 months is pine away about NC. After only a couple of weeks in the fog, it seemed like he was pretty much over it. Even if we got divorced, I would be very, very surprised if he contacted them again (unless it was to beat the shit out of one or the both of them for helping him fuck up his life so badly).

I suspect that a lot of OPs get themselves into affairs because they have very poor boundaries with other people. When someone else demonstrates high personal self-regard by setting a good boundary with them, it reflects poorly on their own choices, creates cognitive dissonance, and sends them into a tizzy. And of course the natural reaction from there is to attack the boundary-setter by calling them crazy, or unhealthy, or assuming that anyone setting a boundary is only doing so because they are being manipulated by a 3rd party - anything that will keep them from having to face up to their own inappropriate behaviors.

Stick to your guns. You and your BS have the right to dismiss people from your life for whatever reason you see fit, regardless of how rational or irrational your reasons may seem to others. Not only is it not unhealthy, respecting yourself enough to not allow other people to use or abuse you is a sign of a HEALTHY individual. The only people who won't understand that concept are people who find themselves unable to profit from you when you set good boundaries for yourself.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 2:19 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 60 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the very thoughtful response TheGarden. This is especially validating:

"You and your BS have the right to dismiss people from your life for whatever reason you see fit, regardless of how rational or irrational your reasons may seem to others. Not only is it not unhealthy, respecting yourself enough to not allow other people to use or abuse you is a sign of a HEALTHY individual. The only people who won't understand that concept are people who find themselves unable to profit from you when you set good boundaries for yourself."

I'll share this with my BH, and continue on our journey to a much stronger and fulfilling life together.

HTM


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has happened far too many times for us. I want to scream, but I leave it up to my WBF to handle. He has numerous friends who were a part of his ONS and other lies and betrayals. When my WBF decided to man up and do the right thing, he removed certain people from our lives.

There have been many times where they try to get hold of him, completely ignoring what he's told them. I think they feel they can because in their eyes, it was me enforcing the NC with them. I think they thought he was "whipped" into breaking ties with them. And completely making me out to be crazy and controlling. I also think it's their way of seeing if time has healed how we feel about things...as though it will be forgotten.

All this ever does for us is reinforce how important the NC is, and how shitty of people they are. I will admit though, it hurts and scares me. It's almost like no matter how much my WBF blocks them from his life, he will always have them there, waiting for his call.

Sighhhhh.... I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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