Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Taurus43 (44230)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Friend or Nah- Christians please chime in
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a Christian and try to live my life Christ like as much as possible. I've been having difficulty with a "friend" of mine. This "friend" happened to be the one who broke the new to me about my FWBF.

Since she told me the news, our relationship has been different.

Timeline
She broke the news to me Dec 23, 2013. FWBF TT for the next two days. Most of the truth was confirmed through her as he continued to hide or lie until finally breaking and telling me the whole truth.

Dec 23-24, 2013 My friend continues to call me eradically and make sure im okay. It was fine but I was in a place where I really needed to grieve and pull myself together.

January 2014
I relayed to her that I'd need some time away from our friendship because she merely reminded me of DDay, not by her words, but by her presence. I told her I would contact her once I began my healing process.

Mid-January 2014
I contact my friend because OW the tramp practically began stalking my FWBF. OW is her friend. I just needed an ear because I was extremely upset about it, and her words were "you dont know what their relationship was like, you dont know what type of closure she needs so you cant speak on that." I also brought up the fact that FWBF blocked OW's contact numbers, and Dec 27, OW's boyfriend contacted my FWBF on his phone because he couldnt get through on OW's phone. Her response was "No, he called from his phone because he didnt want him to ignore it thinking it was OW." I immediately felt betrayed by her, as if she was taking OW's side. I understand she's both our friend, but Im the one hurt. OW had a boyfriend and was cheating on him with my FWBF. The only true victim was me, because they were both cheating on people to be with one another. After that time, I didnt feel like she was being much of a friend.

She has not contacted me Feb-June.

I posted a post on FB April 30:

2 Corinthians 2:5-11
5 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. 9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

Crazy how people neglect to speak about this passage. I guess because MOST people once they are hurt by someone DO NOT wish to “comfort” that person in any way. The bible calls us to forgive, AND COMFORT, which takes a level of empathy (as we are all sinners), compassion, and definitely LONG SUFFERING. Lol If you’re at a place where you cannot comfort someone who grieved you, you may want to truly address if you’re actually forgiving properly.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32)

It is not up to you to PUNISH the person with your unforgivenesss, but to forgive, have compassion, give comfort, and walk in Christ's will for that situation with love. Whatever that looks like, that's what your supposed to do. concerning forgiveness."

She responds to my message saying "well you also have to remember to guard your heart." I immediately became offended because she clearly disregarded the part I said about following God's leading. So we ended up going back and forth on my post. I deleted it all, and emailed her on the back end, telling her that you cannot control someone else's behavior. You guard your heart by seeking God and listening and heeding to his leading, but ultimately, you will get hurt by someone. Plenty people have married their "Boaz's" or "Adam's", and still end up getting cheated on later on. Guarding your heart protects you from yourself, but not others from hurting you.

FF to May.
I post a message on instagram thanking my loved ones for their help and support and I tag her. She responds:

"Thanks babes, love you too, have a good trip."

NEVER has she called me babes, it didnt seem or feel genuine.

I called her and received no response in May, not even a call or text back.

Today I found out she's flying in town. She lives in LA, and she coming back to our hometown on the east coast. But she didnt tell me she was in town.

Am I going about this right? Am I doing something wrong? It seems the whole situation has ruined our friendship.


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will give my opinion, but I do not think you will like it.
She broke the news to me Dec 23, 2013. FWBF TT for the next two days. Most of the truth was confirmed through her as he continued to hide or lie until finally breaking and telling me the whole truth.

Dec 23-24, 2013 My friend continues to call me eradically and make sure im okay. It was fine but I was in a place where I really needed to grieve and pull myself together.


She did what the majority of SI members would say is the right thing to do by telling you. She probably worried and stressed over telling you and how it would hurt you and possibly affect your relationship with her. Then she called to check on you.
January 2014
I relayed to her that I'd need some time away from our friendship because she merely reminded me of DDay, not by her words, but by her presence. I told her I would contact her once I began my healing process.

You *thanked* her by telling her, do not call me; I will call you.
Mid-January 2014
I contact my friend because OW the tramp practically began stalking my FWBF. OW is her friend. I just needed an ear because I was extremely upset about it, and her words were "you dont know what their relationship was like, you dont know what type of closure she needs so you cant speak on that."

You make first contact and complain about the OW, not to mend the hurt you might have caused her.
I also brought up the fact that FWBF blocked OW's contact numbers, and Dec 27, OW's boyfriend contacted my FWBF on his phone because he couldn't get through on OW's phone. Her response was "No, he called from his phone because he didnt want him to ignore it thinking it was OW."

You also bring up a call that happened 3 weeks previous, and she gives you a very plausible answer, but it is not what you wanted to hear, thus you became offended. People are intuitive and she likely knew you were offended even though she gave you a very plausible scenario to the phone call.
She has not contacted me Feb-June.

Perhaps she felt she did not have permission to contact you due to you asking for space?
I posted a post on FB April 30:
She responds to my message saying "well you also have to remember to guard your heart." I immediately became offended because she clearly disregarded the part I said about following God's leading.

You make a religious post on FB, and she make a benign post that she sees it another way, and again you are offended.

It appears to me she cannot win for losing with you. I would think after making an extremely difficult decision to tell you about your WBF and you then telling her to give you space was very hurtful to her. Perhaps she is guarding her heart with you?


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013
h0pe4ul
♀ Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Healing Sought! It's nice to meet you. :)

Your situation seems very complicated in that you have a close friend who was well aware of your FWBF A with OW (who happens to be her close friend as well). You are/were definitely in a love triangle.

I don't know much about your situation because I am just starting to get back on the site. However, for background info: when you say FWBF, do you say it because your WBF is working on R with you or because you two are no longer together?

From what I read in your post, it seems like you are more upset with your friend for sharing the news of the A with you (and possibly having contact with OW) than you are about your FWBF cheating on you.

I know what it's like to be in a situation like this to some degree. My H cheated on me (EA) with my former best friend for five years. We all went to church together, served together, shared great times together with our families for years and then this happened. Even when I tried to tell her H what was going on between his wife and my H, her H acted as if he didn't care and encouraged their interactions with one another. So, I was pretty much on my own in this. Plus, my former pastor is the cousin of my former best friend and her H. So, I really had no where to turn to for counseling or support.

I can totally understand your need for space after D-day to be able to sort everything out in your head and just come to reality with what was presented to you.

For whatever reasons your friend told you about the A, I would say, I am glad she at least told you what was being done in the dark when your H or OW would not.

It seems like she is really close to the OW and maybe she told you to help OW out as well. I really don't know what's in her heart. However, I can understand how complex your situation is.

In situations like these, it's always best to pull away from everyone involved so you can gather your own scruples and try to gain as best perspective you can about the situation and to try to make better decisions for yourself since it seems like no one else is.

Bc your friend is really close to the OW, it seems like it's best to not keep close contact with her bc she will only serve as a reminder of the A. Plus, you never know if she is the kind of friend who will straddle the fence. Tell you certain things about OW and then go to OW and tell her whatever you share.

In order to get a sense of closure, you may need to know for sure where your friend's loyalties lie if it means this much to you. Talk to your friend to hear her perspective as to why she shared what she did to you and how does she feel about everything going on.

If she wants to be both your friend and OW and you are not comfortable with that, then it's OK to let your friend know that you are not comfortable with her hanging out with someone who tried to destroy your relationship.

Regarding the quotes you wrote on social media: As a Christian, I personally don't like posting quotes and things like that on social media especially when I may be doing so to share whatever feelings I may have regarding other parties. I gently say this and in love as a fellow sister in Christ: Whatever grievances you have with your friends or others, it's better to work those things out in private than public bc others can misinterpret what you are intending to do when doing so.

Regarding forgiveness and hurts and wounding, sad to say, everyone is going to be at and grow at their own level regarding this topic. You may be strong enough to provide comfort to someone who has been wounded, even someone you may have wounded but another person may not be at that level in their faith. It is not up to you or I to judge another person's spiritual level when it comes to that. We can observe their fruit and form an opinion based on that but your quote seems like it was posted out of your own personal journey during that time and others may not be able to grasp what you were trying to say when you posted it.

I am just speaking from what I gathered from what I read. I don't know your intentions nor do I want to misunderstand anything you were trying to do. However, I don't recommend using social media to get your points across.

Matthew 18 tells us if our brother offends us, for us to go to that brother to let him know of the offense committed and if that brother won't hear us, to take another person or two with you to try to win that brother over...and even then, if he still won't hear you, to then tell it to the church and let it flow from there...but, I think a lot of times people hide behind social media to share things they normally wouldn't share to a person's face and you seem like the kind of person who is above that. I'd encourage you to not even get tangled up in situations like that and to deal with this issue behind closed doors bc you don't want your testimony as a Christian to be tainted by any personal issues you are having with your friend, ex, or OW.

Please know I say this with all humility. Trust me, I've been there and had to learn the hard way to avoid situations like this. :)

Is your FWBF with the OW now? Are you two completely broken up? Are you working on R? If you are working on R and your friend wants to stay friends with the OW, it's prob best to let that friendship go while your FWBF lets the OW go as well and the both of you start fresh together. However, if he is with OW and your friend is close to OW, it's prob best you let all three go and start life anew.

Some people are in our lives for a season...and maybe the time has come for your season to end with the ones you are having relationship issues with. Only you can decide!!!

I wish you the best as you press ahead. Thank you for sharing your experience and I do pray that God will give you wisdom, peace, and favor as you handle the relationship with your friend and FWBF.

God bless! :)

H0pe4ul

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 2:37 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2013
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, props to your friend for telling about the A. MANY posters on here do not have even one friend who knows about the A to tell and trust me, telling someone their dear beloved SO/WW/WH is being unfaithful is NOT EASY at all. She also stuck through it with you and pointed out all of his lies instead of giving it up when it appeared you believed him over her like many often do.

My friend continues to call me eradically and make sure im okay.

Green flag #2 - checking up on you while also giving you some space hence erratically.

I relayed to her that I'd need some time away from our friendship because she merely reminded me of DDay, not by her words, but by her presence. I told her I would contact her once I began my healing process.

Mid-January 2014
I contact my friend because OW the tramp practically began stalking my FWBF.

Green flag #3 - she respected your need for NC and waited until you contacted her first.

"you dont know what their relationship was like, you dont know what type of closure she needs so you cant speak on that."

This is the only red flag I see in your story. Yes, she should not have supported OW's need for closure. BUT keep in mind that people who are not experienced in infidelity really don't understand why full NC with no closure is necessary. They also tend to buy in to closure being a thing (it's not) and something necessary to either party during the end of any kind of fling/relationship. I'm not saying this to excuse what she said but I am saying it to give you some perspective because she's also shown you a lot of care and support aside from this comment.

Her response was "No, he called from his phone because he didnt want him to ignore it thinking it was OW." I immediately felt betrayed by her, as if she was taking OW's side.

I don't understand why her correcting your version of the story is some how supporting OW. If anything it's a good thing the other BBF was trying to get in contact with your WBF. Did you ever think he was trying to clarify some of the lies/things that happened in the A from the source itself and that's why he called? I don't entirely understand why another BBF would want to assist his WGF in stalking the man she cheated with but I wouldn't say it's impossible. Just very unlikely and probably not what was going on in this case especially if he called from his phone to talk to him.

6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

I would like to point out that if you immediately forgive your WS and comfort him for the pain he's feeling from it, you will be gifted another DDay. When it comes to liars and cheaters, rugsweeping and nicing them back gets you another kick in the face. I DO NOT think your friend said her response to make you upset/support OW/whatever slight you think she did. I think she was being incredibly wise for knowing and understanding so little about the situation in telling you to guard your heart. What I think she meant was that you should be offering forgiveness and comfort on your terms and not just because someone did something to hurt you. As someone who has read the Bible and been in a very prominent Christian school for years, it's incredibly important to read a passage in context. In context, the passage you posted is in reference to a man who has sinned, fallen from grace, and has been outed for it (and likely punished through being lashed in public given the time) and has served his time for his misdeed. Now, in the case of infidelity, very few WS get a full public humiliation punishment and really get to see society's reaction to their misdeed. Sure they get to see the BS's pain but it's nothing like being physically punished in public where everyone knows and some of them are there to even throw stones with their name on it. Until a WS experiences really consequences for their actions, your friend is right. You should guard your heart against them and even though you cannot control other people's actions, that doesn't mean you can't prevent the likelihood of being hurt by unsafe people by reading in to their behavior. Example: Your new BF talks about how he once cheated on his exGF. He laughs and brushes it off. Gives you some excuse like, "Well, it wasn't REALLY cheating because of X, Y, and Z." A person who is guarding their heart wisely would say, "NOPE! Not taking a chance here," and wouldn't bother continuing the relationship. A person not wisely guarding their heart will say, "Well, it's not like I can control him and I may get cheated on by whomever I'm with so I guess I can give this a shot." See the difference? Person A has guaranteed they will not be hurt by their BF's infidelity by seeing the big red flag he just waved in her face. Person B may get a faithful BF or may be heartbroken later on down the line for ignoring the red elephant in the room. Truthfully, I found your friend's comment meant to support and advise you in your best interest of not dating another lying cheater to be coming from a good place. I see no reason to believe there was any amount of malice or spite in advising you to be careful with your heart and mental well being.

"Thanks babes, love you too, have a good trip."

NEVER has she called me babes, it didnt seem or feel genuine


Maybe she calls other people babes and just never called you it to be weird? Since you've not directly told your friend your feelings about her comments (and to be clear I'm not sure you should on some of them), how can she KNOW to be fake with you to smooth over tension she doesn't even know existed? Is it odd she did something you didn't expect? A little but people do it all the time especially in text. She may never call people babes that often in person or over the telephone but maybe she types babes to them all the time and it's just not come up for you yet. It's hard to say but to assume she's covering for a problem you have with her that she doesn't even know about because you haven't communicated it to her strikes me as a little ridiculous.

I realize this may not be what you want to hear but this is hardly the site to sugar coat it to you if you need it because we know how helpful that really is. That said, do you think you're shooting the messenger here? Yes, your friend made one ignorant and hurtful comment but does that tarnish the fact that she risked her friendship with you to tell you incredibly important, heart breaking information and stuck with you to make sure you got the story right (remember you could've called her a liar and walked out for good at any point during those conversations) and continued to check in on you and respect the choices you made (like going NC) despite them being hard on her? Comments from ignorance can be talked about and your friend can be informed by you relaying her to some myths about relationships and infidelity. The integrity it takes to forsake multiple friendships (do you think OW was fine and dandy with her blowing up their fantasy?) to look out for your health and well being is not easy to find which is demonstrated by how many BS here who were the last out of their friends and family to get the truth. I'm not here to advise you on keeping or ending your friendship. That is your choice to make no matter what I say. But I will tell you if this was me, I'd be thanking this friend from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and looking out for me. After that we'd have a calm discussion about "closure" and how you only need it from yourself and no one else.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with LostAngry. I don't see where your friend has done anything wrong by you.

I think you are going through a lot, and probably b/c 1) she is still friend with OW; and 2) she was the messenger and knows about the A, you harbor a lot of mixed emotions and feelings vis a vis her

If you want to salvage the friendship you should just reach out to her, ask her how she is and whats going on with her life, thank her for telling you about the affair, and take things from there.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2014
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like she chose to inform you of something you needed to know about and was dealt consequences as a result.

I am familiar with much scripture and it seems for every situation anyone can quote numerous scriptures to back up any course of action. I am not a fan of it.

If I understand your post, she informed you of your boyfriend's affair. You asked her to stop contacting you while you worked on your relationship with your boyfriend. That is your choice but I see from her point of view she has likely moved on.

I'm confused as to the Christian aspect of this as I thought dating was more seeing if someone was the right one for you to marry, not a prolonged romance in and of itself. In that case this would have been an instant dealbreaker.

I could see how she would be pretty stung.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+1 in agreement with LostAngry


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6059 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

I would like to point out that if you immediately forgive your WS and comfort him for the pain he's feeling from it, you will be gifted another DDay. When it comes to liars and cheaters, rugsweeping and nicing them back gets you another kick in the face. I DO NOT think your friend said her response to make you upset/support OW/whatever slight you think she did. I think she was being incredibly wise for knowing and understanding so little about the situation in telling you to guard your heart. What I think she meant was that you should be offering forgiveness and comfort on your terms and not just because someone did something to hurt you. As someone who has read the Bible and been in a very prominent Christian school for years, it's incredibly important to read a passage in context. In context, the passage you posted is in reference to a man who has sinned, fallen from grace, and has been outed for it (and likely punished through being lashed in public given the time) and has served his time for his misdeed. Now, in the case of infidelity, very few WS get a full public humiliation punishment and really get to see society's reaction to their misdeed. Sure they get to see the BS's pain but it's nothing like being physically punished in public where everyone knows and some of them are there to even throw stones with their name on it. Until a WS experiences really consequences for their actions, your friend is right. You should guard your heart against them and even though you cannot control other people's actions, that doesn't mean you can't prevent the likelihood of being hurt by unsafe people by reading in to their behavior. Example: Your new BF talks about how he once cheated on his exGF. He laughs and brushes it off. Gives you some excuse like, "Well, it wasn't REALLY cheating because of X, Y, and Z." A person who is guarding their heart wisely would say, "NOPE! Not taking a chance here," and wouldn't bother continuing the relationship. A person not wisely guarding their heart will say, "Well, it's not like I can control him and I may get cheated on by whomever I'm with so I guess I can give this a shot." See the difference? Person A has guaranteed they will not be hurt by their BF's infidelity by seeing the big red flag he just waved in her face. Person B may get a faithful BF or may be heartbroken later on down the line for ignoring the red elephant in the room. Truthfully, I found your friend's comment meant to support and advise you in your best interest of not dating another lying cheater to be coming from a good place. I see no reason to believe there was any amount of malice or spite in advising you to be careful with your heart and mental well being.

I pulled this from Nekonamida's excellent post. You cannot just pull one or two lines from scripture. That's fine for a little morning inspiration with your coffee (I admit I do that) but not for guiding a life decision! Thanks Neko eloquent post.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Angry

It appears to me she cannot win for losing with you. I would think after making an extremely difficult decision to tell you about your WBF and you then telling her to give you space was very hurtful to her. Perhaps she is guarding her heart with you?

I agree with you and am not offended by your post. Thanks for responding. I did send her an email today apologizing for everything and pretty much putting everything on the table. She is in town, so hopefully, she contacts me.

h0pe4ul

Is your FWBF with the OW now? Are you two completely broken up? Are you working on R? If you are working on R and your friend wants to stay friends with the OW, it's prob best to let that friendship go while your FWBF lets the OW go as well and the both of you start fresh together. However, if he is with OW and your friend is close to OW, it's prob best you let all three go and start life anew.

My FWBF is F because he no longer sees OW. He went NC Dec 26. Three days after DDay. We both put her contact information into his verizon wireless block manager, and it's been there ever since. I can tell if he changed it based upon the date that's on there for it's expiration, and it has not changed, so I know he hasnt touched it. I completely broke up with him the day I found out.

FWBF is not with OW but wants to R with me, but I have not decided on R. I go back and forth about it, but I think I will attempt R. He is remorseful and seems to have done a complete 180. Back in January, he sent a message to my family apologizing for what he did, and apologizing for hurting not just me, but them as well. He's met with my father face to face and they had a talk. He's also met with my mother. All absent my presence of course.


Regarding the quotes you wrote on social media: As a Christian, I personally don't like posting quotes and things like that on social media especially when I may be doing so to share whatever feelings I may have regarding other parties. I gently say this and in love as a fellow sister in Christ: Whatever grievances you have with your friends or others, it's better to work those things out in private than public bc others can misinterpret what you are intending to do when doing so.

I totally agree and have learned my lesson. And social media is DEFINITELY NOT a place to air dirty laundry. Im not a fan of that and actually prefer face to face contact when solving conflict when at all possible.

nekonamida

I don't understand why her correcting your version of the story is some how supporting OW. If anything it's a good thing the other BBF was trying to get in contact with your WBF. Did you ever think he was trying to clarify some of the lies/things that happened in the A from the source itself and that's why he called? I don't entirely understand why another BBF would want to assist his WGF in stalking the man she cheated with but I wouldn't say it's impossible. Just very unlikely and probably not what was going on in this case especially if he called from his phone to talk to him.

BBF called him to curse him out. He wasnt assisting OW, but rather she had told him somethings that made him upset, and he called my FWBF threatening to bash his head in if he didnt stay away from her. Reality check to him, she came to MY FWBF home EVERY TIME, not the other way around. And this is confirmed by my friend. She was just as wrong as he was.

I would like to point out that if you immediately forgive your WS and comfort him for the pain he's feeling from it, you will be gifted another DDay. When it comes to liars and cheaters, rugsweeping and nicing them back gets you another kick in the face

We've been broken up for 6 months. I made him confess to my family in December the day I found out. My parents were with me Christmas shopping when I was told over the phone by my friend. They saw my disdain, so instead of me telling them, I made him do it. He also confessed to his parents what he did. Neither side was pleased. Im in no way rugsweeping or nicing him. I actually urged him to leave me alone in January. The post I wrote was April 30 and by this time we'd been broken up for 4 months, much of which was NC.

All in all, I have reached out to her. I dont know what's going to come of it. But I did apologize that I thanked her for telling me. I've thanked her multiple times before, but I thanked her again!

Thanks All for your posts.


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey HealingSought! In addition to the great conversation here, we have a thread in ICR that might benefit you as you seek Christian perspective on healing.


Healing Through Prayer - Part 2

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=339319


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolut

It seems like she chose to inform you of something you needed to know about and was dealt consequences as a result.
I am familiar with much scripture and it seems for every situation anyone can quote numerous scriptures to back up any course of action. I am not a fan of it.

If I understand your post, she informed you of your boyfriend's affair. You asked her to stop contacting you while you worked on your relationship with your boyfriend.

That is not what happened at all. I asked for space to heal MYSELF, NOT MY relationship. I took space from every but my immediate family.

I pulled this from Nekonamida's excellent post. You cannot just pull one or two lines from scripture. That's fine for a little morning inspiration with your coffee (I admit I do that) but not for guiding a life decision! Thanks Neko eloquent post.

Honestly, the post wasnt specifically about him. There is more to life than just one relationship. I had encountered an issue with an Aunt of my that past September 2013, if which whom I chose not to speak to because she was causing so much drama in my life. Toxic really. The scripture made me think of her more than anything. Though it applied to both situations, I wasnt specifically posting it concerning my dealings with FWBF.


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well I'm confused, b/c you say you are broken up with him, but you call him your FWBF. Id certainly be confused in your situation as well, and I really feel your pain. I think the vast majority (or possibly all?) of married BS on here, who dealt with infidelity from a WBF/WF but chose to marry anyway, and inevitably discovered more down the lines, would advise that if they could do things again, they would've never married and saved themselves the years and years of repeated devastation. Most cheaters are cheaters by nature (not all, but most). He wasn't facing a mid-life crisis, or financial struggles, or lack of attention due to a baby, or a decrease in your sex drive was he? If he's cheating now, while your young and happy and free, whats he gonna do at age 43 with 4 kids and a mortgage?

How will you ever trust this man? I realize you can turn to your faith and give him blind trust, but is he deserving of that? His values do not seem to comport with your Christian values IMO (lying, sex outside a relationship, etc) Don't forget - this only stopped b/c he was caught. He wasn't remorseful until you found out.

Its obvious you love him very much, but you are young and I am sure you would make a wonderful life for yourself if things didn't continue with you two.

Also regarding the blocked numbers on your FWBF Verizon account, please be aware there are all kinds of other ways people can be in contact, like emails, messaging apps, etc. Also, Id be very concerned about OOW (other "other women") at this point. Have you done a full search of his laptop, ipad, cell phone history, etc for any other cheating activities?

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:26 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2014
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well I'm confused, b/c you say you are broken up with him, but you call him your FWBF. Id certainly be confused in your situation as well, and I really feel your pain. I think the vast majority (or possibly all?) of married BS on here, who dealt with infidelity from a WBF/WF but chose to marry anyway, and inevitably discovered more down the lines, would advise that if they could do things again, they would've never married and saved themselves the years and years of repeated devastation. Most cheaters are cheaters by nature (not all, but most). He wasn't facing a mid-life crisis, or financial struggles, or lack of attention due to a baby, or a decrease in your sex drive was he? If he's cheating now, while your young and happy and free, whats he gonna do at age 43 with 4 kids and a mortgage?
How will you ever trust this man? I realize you can turn to your faith and give him blind trust, but is he deserving of that? His values do not seem to comport with your Christian values IMO (lying, sex outside a relationship, etc) Don't forget - this only stopped b/c he was caught. He wasn't remorseful until you found out.

Its obvious you love him very much, but you are young and I am sure you would make a wonderful life for yourself if things didn't continue with you two.

Also regarding the blocked numbers on your FWBF Verizon account, please be aware there are all kinds of other ways people can be in contact, like emails, messaging apps, etc. Also, Id be very concerned about OOW (other "other women") at this point. Have you done a full search of his laptop, ipad, cell phone history, etc for any other cheating activities?

I saw FWBF because he is no longer seeing her, or anyone for that matter and we are deciding if we are going to R.

Yes, I have access to emails, messages, phone history, etc. Nothing is there, and I check whenever I wish. I had the precise conversation with him, as to why he didnt tell me, as to why I feel he wouldnt have stopped if he wasnt caught. There will never be an explanation good enough for me concerning that, but I must say and this I know, that he is truly sorry. We all have our vices. Though his directly affected me, we all do things on a daily basis that are wrong. Not all the time is our mess exposed, but his was. Does that make him less of a person? No. Does that make us better? No. Do I trust Him, NO! he and I both know this.

What he did was wrong, and VERY un-Christlike, but I do things that arent Christ like daily as well. things that dont line up with the word. Why? Because im human. The goal is to strive be like him, not perfection.

During that period of time, the best way we can both describe it is that he was backslidden. God did not dwell in him; therefore there was no conviction until God allowed it to be exposed. And im so glad it came out.

[This message edited by HealingSought at 3:33 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes but your misdeeds don't result in the utter ad complete devastation of the very person who loves you most. Im sure your sins and faults have not caused nearly as much pain in others. Betrayal is its own breed.

Did I read on another post you are leaving to study abroad? (or am I mistaken??)


Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disclaimer: I am not Christian, but that I still have morals, very similar to those who follow the teachings of Christianity.

That being said, it is my opinion that your "friend" is not a friend. Not because of any of her Facebook posts or anything she says on instagram, but for the simple fact that she still considers OW her "friend".

I would not be friends with anyone who condones cheating, whether or not that cheating affects me.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS...she gets a star for telling you, that was not easy since she's friends with ow. I don't like the remark she made to you about you not knowing what ow is going through, she put herself in that sich, so no sympathy there. I'm trying to figure out if she's a third party because she was innocently put there or if she likes the drama of knowing both sides and trying to help(busybody). Whatever reason she's there, if she's close with the ow, I would distance myself personally. I wouldn't want any friend of mine reporting to ow one single thing about my life. That's my two cents.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS...she gets a star for telling you, that was not easy since she's friends with ow. I don't like the remark she made to you about you not knowing what ow is going through, she put herself in that sich, so no sympathy there. I'm trying to figure out if she's a third party because she was innocently put there or if she likes the drama of knowing both sides and trying to help(busybody). Whatever reason she's there, if she's close with the ow, I would distance myself personally. I wouldn't want any friend of mine reporting to ow one single thing about my life. That's my two cents.

I figured she may have been a busy body. She is very talkative. BUT we are good. We patched things up. I dont think our friendship will be the same, but the air is clear and im happy!


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 17

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.