Honey, please see your doctor and discuss the possibility of AD's. It sounds like you are in a very dark, scary place right now. AD's will help lift the heavy feeling from your shoulders, and lessen the dark thought processes you are currently going through. Clearing your thinking may also help you focus on getting your disordered eating under control as well.
Please, take care of you, help yourself in every way you can.
There are a lot of good people in these parts, they'll help you