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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Have I Done?? She Said "I L Y" but Where Am I Really??
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you guys have been separated for two years, what have you been doing with that time to work on you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4972 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to apologize in advance. I know my reply will be long, but I hope it helps in some way.

I'm a BW...but also a BGF in two relationships following my D. My M lasted almost 22 years. And like the two of you, we have five children together. The age span of my children at the time of divorce was 2-17. Like your BW, I gave it time. Five years actually. And when it never improved, that's when I ended it.

I know none of us really know each other on here, so when we give advice, so much of it comes from our own personal experience. Please know everything I write here, I fully realize your BW may not be experiencing. But just maybe she's feeling like I felt, and am still feeling in my new broken relationship, and possibly it applies.

I appreciate your defense of your BW, with regards to the conditions of your separation. I agree with you. The way I see it, as a mom of five children, following through with a D is the LAST thing I'd have time for. The two of you separated. But in all honesty you left her first with the affairs and betrayals (and it sounds like you truly understand this). So when she decided she couldn't take it any more and she left you, that ended all commitments between the two of you. The actual legal part of it is just a paper thing. Nothing more.

Today, she's living her life as that single woman...with a LOT of children. She didn't want you to leave her, and she certainly didn't want to be a single mom raising your children without you by her side. It sounds like maybe she's doing what she can to survive. She sees herself as the single woman you made her....the problem is no matter how much she meets other men, talks with them, and lives that single life...she still loves you, and can't replace you.

She didn't choose this. You did. And it's so damn hard to switch gears with regards to relationships, when you have five little ones running around reminding you of the life you once had and worked so hard for. I was so very torn. I hated my WH for what he did. I was crushed by what he did...and he too was a complete and utter ass after DD.

I remember days where I lay in a heap on the floor beside my bed, hiding and crying...sometimes in my closet, so my children couldn't see or hear me. I'd have to turn it completely off so I could come out and prepare dinner, smile at their homework, and play with them during sports and scouts. I became very skilled at acting. Once I left him, I took very stupid risks. I'd go walking down by the neighborhood lake, late at night, when I couldn't sleep. I'd drive way too fast, alone, late at night, with the music blaring. I would get together with friends and drink too much, because it seems that's what it would take to turn off the painful thoughts and the feeling like I wasn't good enough. Looking back, I know what I was doing... I had given up on the life I had worked for, the one I loved. And for some crazy ass reason I couldn't see there was another life, different, but far better than that crap, just waiting past all this shit.

I'm going to go against the grain when I say wait on filing for a D. If neither of you has filed yet, and neither is pushing for it... then wait. What is it hurting? I do think your BW may benefit from an IC, but that's for her to say...and unfortunately they aren't cheap. I know at the time I couldn't afford one, nor did having the five kids allow me a chance to see one. Have you told her you'd do whatever it took for her to get to one, if she wanted it? I know you're both living as single people now, but something is keeping her from cutting that last string. I can tell you I held on for many reasons. Money. Insurance. Five children. Zero time. My children were the only career I knew. Fear. Shame. Insecurities. And love. Once all the others were taken care of, I realized the love was completely gone, and I moved on.

As for the other guys your BW is bringing into her life...you're right in that she's single now and can do that. But it also sounds like she's still in love with you. No matter how much she takes care of what I mentioned above, she can't shake how she feels about you. To me, that's a good sign.

It doesn't sound like she's dealing with what you've done. And honestly, I don't blame her. After reading your profile, you've put her through so very much... and for so darn long. How can she cope and be the mom she needs to be??? My heart goes out to her, because I've been in her shoes. The difference is I didn't have a WH fighting for me. If you feel like you can and will be the man she deserves, than don't give up hope.

As for being angry over what you saw in her phone...yep, can completely understand that. Of course you're going to be hurt and upset. Maybe even left with feeling like your heart was ripped out. But as you said, you created the situation. So what do you do??? Honestly, it doesn't hurt for us to see how much we can still affect our wayward partner (even an ex). I don't think it's good to do something intentionally to hurt each other, but that's not what happened here. It was an honest case of she did nothing wrong (IMHO), and you snooped, found something, and it crushed you. You both learned something that night... She let her walls down (unfortunately with alcohol) and couldn't stop with the flow of emotions for you...and you learned how much you couldn't bear to see her with another.

I still think you both have a chance. The only way you'll ever know is with time, and her opening that door. I hate seeing this because I can so surely feel her pain. Don't give up hope unless you feel like it's completely gone. Sit down and write her a letter. Explain how you felt when you held her that night, and how it felt to see what you saw in her phone. TALK in your letter. Spill your guts. If it's a good letter, she will read it a number of times. You can't rehear a conversation, but you can always reread words on a paper.

I hope things go better for the two of you....please keep us posted.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tire girl - The separation came about because of my POS selfish behaviour and she had enough. The full depth of the infidelities came out after. We had dealt with a separation when she discovered the internet chatting about 10 years ago. But it wasnèt dealt with.

I was in denial at first I didn't accept what was really happening. I don't know what you want to call it, fog, fear, selfish all apply.

We went to some MC but that blew apart and she wouldn't go back. It was wrong, I was still lying and withholding and not being open. I should have done IC first. But even that I was seeing an IC for over a year with some sporatic breaks but I hadn't told mY BS the truth, I didn't tell the IC about the PAs either. So as much as I did benefit in some ways it wasn't addressing the issue. The IC didn't specialize in infidelity and it was a horrible waste of time.

In the last 6 months the truth has all come out, just last month but I am seeing a new IC that specializes in infidelity. I don't know if it's a perfect fit, but I feel like I am facing things and seeing things. I feel a huge change after releasing the lies and telling the whole truth in the final disclosure. There has been enormous damage done with my behaviour in the first 2 years of the separation. The TT and lying have made it impossible for my BS to believe that I have actually told her everything. I have been diagnosed with some SA tendencies, basically I'm not a full out sex addict but I have a sexual self control problem whatever it is I have to deal with it. I don't like the person I became, I lost my best friend in my BS and I don't know if I'll ever get her back, but I refuse to be the person I was - he is dead.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrulySad - thank you so much your post had a big impact on me. I have been an emotional mess today and I am right now so I'm sorry if I ramble.

I'm going to go against the grain when I say wait on filing for a D. If neither of you has filed yet, and neither is pushing for it... then wait. What is it hurting?

I sure as hell am not going to file for D. I told her last night I will love her forever and I will. She said to me, granted in a drunken condition she needs time. I told her I will wait for her, fight for her. I don't know if she believes what she feels or remembers or will feel it tomorrow, but I realize I have wasted more than 2 very precious, valuable years and I have 'lost time'. I could have made a huge difference if I did things differently and I hate myself for wasting this time with my head up my ass. I'm angry at myself and I won't forgive it. But I need to get my shit together NOW and act. Or it will be too late.

I feel even deeper in love with her last night. It changed me. I can't ignore it. If there's a chance I have to dig in and deal with my shit for me first and my kids, but omg if there's a chance that she feels the way she said and made me feel last night I will do whatever it takes. I owe it to myself, her and my kids.

But in all honesty you left her first with the affairs and betrayals (and it sounds like you truly understand this).

I do get this. It's agonizingly painful. I thought it would all just go away hidden. I was an ignorant selfish coward and I wasted and destroyed the biggest gift I've ever been given.

I do think your BW may benefit from an IC, but that's for her to say...and unfortunately they aren't cheap. I know at the time I couldn't afford one, nor did having the five kids allow me a chance to see one. Have you told her you'd do whatever it took for her to get to one, if she wanted it?

I believe she is in IC now, but I don't know. Her life and schedule she doesn't share with me other than scheduling timing etc.

Yes I have pushed her for a long while to go to IC and it turned into her being angry thinking I was saying it to help myself. She would say things like she's not ready to deal with it. She knows what she has to do and doesn't need me to tell her what to do or what she needs, etc. She would say you stab someone in the back and then say he let me drive you to the hospital. I understand better know the emotion and meaning behind these words. I have made it clear I am and will be flexible with my time for her to do what she needs to do.

She didn't choose this. You did. And it's so damn hard to switch gears with regards to relationships, when you have five little ones running around reminding you of the life you once had and worked so hard for. I was so very torn. I hated my WH for what he did. I was crushed by what he did

Yes, this is something that hurts so much. I can't go back and she will never be the same and she didn't ask or want any of it. I ruined her. I ruined us. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself that and I feel her hate and I deserve it.

Thank you for the suggestion of the letter - I have to do more of this for her. I think it will help show her more. Or something, maybe. Doing nothing won't get me anywhere.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for your comments and support.

Does anyone have any suggestions on reading or information on things that would help me from getting stuck in the past and obsessing about wanting my BS?

I am committed to fixing myself and don't want to waste more time in the toxic cycle we've been in causing damage and angering her by constantly pursuing her when it isn't healthy for her or realistic right now.

At the same time I want her to know I am committed to her and helping her heal. I have to find healty actions to show her this without pushing my feelings onto her. She continues to say I'm unremorseful. I need to purge myself of this selfishness.

Any suggestions for where to start?


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you started working on your why at all? What allowed you to make the decision to do this? Starting asking why and keep asking why till you get to the bottom, then start working on that problem.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4972 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl - Yes I feel that I have, I know I'm not finished digging and understanding and there's a lot more work to do.

I feel this black hole of an emotional void inside. I am adopted, have terrible fears of acceptance and rejection. I have never dealt with emotions, I always sought to suppress and escape them. I created an escape a fantasy and pursued the attention and validation of other women lying and justifying it all to myself reinforcing and creating an addiction and only making the void greater. I wasn't happy with myself and my direction - I didn't feel good about myself and I have never been open and vulnerable with anyone and the one person I should have been open and vulnerable to, my BS, I selfishly betrayed, cheated on, obliterated trust and threw it all away.

My BS says it's all bullshit excuses, that I just wanted others, wanted, variety, was cold and calculating, that she always wanted me and showered me with attention and it was never enough and that she wasn't good enough. That I just wanted them over her. This is crushing to hear but it shows me how much pain and devastation I have caused her to destroy her beliefs in me and us to the point she believes it was all just a lie.

I don't know if this is only a start to the why, but I know it isn't her fault and I know it isn't because she wasn't good enough. Just as I know I love her more now than the day we got married and I know now I don't just want her and want to be with her because I don't have her and can't have her and I 'just want what I can't have'.

I just don't know how to deal with this mix of emotions. I can't force my truths and beliefs on her, I just don't know what to do with it all.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 27
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