Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: AutumnGlow (45083)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: boundaries at workplace
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday our department had an outdoor staff appreciation lunch. I planned on going and did an rsvp. My female co-worker was not able to rsvp. When she asked the organizers if she could still come she was told she can not. I felt sorry for her. Our entire department has just announced the layoff of 4 workers who have been with the group for quite some time. There was a general feeling of unease. I decided to offer to get food and bring it back to our office space and share it with my co-worker. My BS has met my co-worker who is very young and attractive. I told my BS about the lunch and it triggered her. I now realize that I have not kept my boundaries. I know that even if I had no intention of establishing anything beyond a friendly atmosphere at our office that given what I have done , my infidelity, I should not make gestures that recall the patterns that led me to break my boundaries. I understand that recovery and reconciliation is a long process of being aware of the way we think and act so we will not return to those wayward ways. Your thoughts are appreciated.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Grains,

I agree that that was a bad idea and in the interest of tight boundaries, you shouldn't have done it. Now you know better for next time. New habits take practice.

I did an unintentional boundary breach on FB about a year ago. I was totally clueless (and had no unpure intentions) while I did it. Then H called me on it and I realized what I had done. It was a wake up call for me, reminding me that I have to always be aware of my boundaries (as does my BH, I think we all do).

Keep talking to your W and keep practicing healthy boundaries and establishing healthy habits. You'll get there.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37760 | Registered: Sep 2007
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope to get there and I know that I need to do the work - all the time.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the co-worker's failure to RSVP turn into you having lunch alone with her? And missing the lunch with your other co-workers? Sounds a bit like some KISA tendencies.

How do you know she was told she could not attend this event? Were you within earshot of the conversation when she asked the organizers? I'm asking because she may have lied to you and manipulated the situation, a little, I don't know. I DO know that, if your boundaries aren't water-tight, someone looking to exploit a weakness WILL find it and exploit it.

Did either of you consider how it looked to the rest of the staff? You know, it sure appears that you chose to lunch together and alone rather than being with the rest of the staff.

I know that even if I had no intention of establishing anything beyond a friendly atmosphere at our office
Establishing a friendly office atmosphere does NOT involve isolating and lunching alone.

With this person, if I were you, I would lock myself down and allow no further interaction (aside from truly work related issues).


Posts: 11691 | Registered: Mar 2008
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the co-worker's failure to RSVP turn into you having lunch alone with her? And missing the lunch with your other co-workers? Sounds a bit like some KISA tendencies.

Thank you for asking. She was told via email from the party coordinator that she cannot come to the event which was held outdoors at the garden outside our complex and also told verbally by another coordinator - both on the same morning before the noon event. I did not miss lunch with my coworkers. I sat with my favorite people and did not eat my plate of food and I chatted with them. I also told them what happened to my coworker and they were in disbelief. We joked about the irony of staff appreciation that day. We were not allowed to go for seconds. I also enjoyed greeting the people I interacted with in our department (we have 100 people). Please tell me what KISA means.

I'm asking because she may have lied to you and manipulated the situation, a little, I don't know. I DO know that, if your boundaries aren't water-tight, someone looking to exploit a weakness WILL find it and exploit it.

Thank you for the warning. I understand and recognize what it is to be lied to and manipulated. That is a big part of my co-dependent behavior that I am recovering from. My judgement is that this is not the case here.


Did either of you consider how it looked to the rest of the staff? You know, it sure appears that you chose to lunch together and alone rather than being with the rest of the staff.

I actually wanted the rest of the staff to know which is why I did not eat anything from my plate and told my staff friends that I was later going to bring it to my coworker because she was told not to come. I am hoping that the irony of the situation will reach the organizers but I doubt that it will change the way they treat their co-workers.

Thank you for your insights. Part of my recovery and rehabilitation is improving my emotional intelligence. It is hard. I just triggered my BS with this incident. I will keep trying. I hope that the people who run our workplaces are developing theirs too. I also know that I am not responsible for their behavior - only mine.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA means Knight in Shining Armor. So, the need to save your co-worker, in this situation, looks like KISA tendencies, to me.

My H's A started at work. It was with a much younger girl who worked for him. At first, it was just talking with a group of people, then it moved to just the two of them eating and talking alone.

So, you didn't eat, so that she could eat? What prevented her from sending in the RSVP, like everyone else?

ETA: I guess my real question is this: Why did you put her above yourself? Why did you not eat, so that she could? Why didn't you let her learn her lesson about promptly sending in her RSVP?

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 2:06 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 11691 | Registered: Mar 2008
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I would have been furious at my WH.

The female co-worker is not your responsibility. She is an adult who could have ordered lunch for herself or rsvp'd in time.

Yes, you were her KISA. Not only did you not eat your own lunch, you sat with this COW and had lunch with her.

it sure appears that you chose to lunch together and alone rather than being with the rest of the staff.

^^^This. What do you think the staff is thinking....it was a staff appreciation lunch and your purposefully didn't eat so you could eat with this young woman.

My WH's boundaries at the workplace are no personal conversations with women. No socializing with women. He has willingly kept these boundaries for nine years. Any discussions, which are few, are directly work-related.

This co-worker must think she is pretty special for you to give up your lunch for her.

The positive thing is that you told your wife. The serious issue is why did you think it was necessary to go that far to reach out a female co-worker.


Posts: 7571 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like KISA stuff to me as well, but I wanted to share that I have those kneejerks which, while outside of the realm of emotional and sexual, are still more codependent than helpful.

I see people who are sad or confused or have a problem and something in my core tells me I HAVE to fix it for them or I am a selfish person. Like, if I don't do something then NOBODY will and the whole world will explode. I have some serious work to do when it comes to this.

To me, there are two distinct types of KISA syndrome. There are people who thrive off the ego kibbles that come from the response of the people they have rescued, and there are people who have a strong compulsion to be the "fixer" wherever they go, regardless of thanks or reward. In either case, it's fraught with bad boundaries when we have a family on which we should be focusing our energy.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if your intentions were entirely selfless, you still need to find a way to separate yourself out from people's problems for the most part. That's not to say that we can't help someone cross the street, adopt a shelter animal, or throw a tip in someone's guitar case even if they're not very good... it just means that we have to draw the line when someone else is capable of helping themselves, and refocus on our own world.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:05 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, there are two distinct types of KISA syndrome. There are people who thrive off the ego kibbles that come from the response of the people they have rescued, and there are people who have a strong compulsion to be the "fixer" wherever they go, regardless of thanks or reward. In either case, it's fraught with bad boundaries when we have a family on which we should be focusing our energy.
Yup. I'd also say that for some of us with those tendencies (like myself) the reward is less about the particular individual kibbling us, and moreso about the boost of ego that comes when we think that people (in general) think highly of us, i.e. "He's such a good person! He's such a nice guy!"


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for clarifying KISA and also connecting it to co-dependent behavior. I certainly engaged in KISA behavior and co-dependency and as Jrazz mentioned, regardless of the intention I need to separate myself from "fixing" other people's problems. I recall and affirm that this is how my infidelity started and I caused so much suffering for my BS and ruined our marriage. I could have handled that staff appreciation lunch situation better and put my boundaries first and foremost above what I thought of how my coworkers were being treated.
I have been talking with my BS about this and I understand how she is hurt because of my choices in this matter. She has pointed out the same things that you all have mentioned. I am determined to change my behavior and thinking. I really appreciate your responses.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have handled that staff appreciation lunch situation better and put my boundaries first and foremost above what I thought of how my coworkers were being treated.

Here's where people like you and I get in trouble though, grains. It sounds like you're saying that you have to be "selfish" in this case in order to succeed... and that's going to feed into a shame spiral pretty quickly.

It's ok to acknowledge that the staff is treating your coworker like crap. You can still care and not bring someone lunch. I have a hard time imagining that caring and inaction can live in the same space, but they can. We just have to let what is appropriate to our personal space and relationship standards always be our guide.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:47 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I can still care about my coworkers and not bring someone lunch. That is what I should have done. I could have gone to the lunch and directly told the organizers what I felt in a polite way. I also know about the shame spiral and how it can paralyze a person and prevent them from pursuing recovery. I remember this always in my 12 step program when we verbalize as a group in every meeting that we are "precious and free" , free from mental demons like shame and self-pity, precious in that our good self will lead us to recovery.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have a good handle on this. I didn't mean to sound so much like I was giving you instructions as just saying some of this stuff out loud. It helps me to remember.


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Jrazz. Please say these things out loud. I need to say it out loud. We say it out loud in our 12 step group. It helps us all remember. Be precious and be free.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to point out that while the action in and of itself was a miss, it is good that you told your BS about it. That looks like a step in the right direction.

You've gotten some great advice in this thread. Now it's up to you to put it in action!! good luck!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 578 | Registered: Dec 2012
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that is certainly the other half of the right intention - the right action. My work of recovery will be ongoing with the right action. Thank you for your affirmation.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you told your BS, but am truly perplexed at the behavior. I imagine this woman knows how to feed herself lunch if she cannot go to a work function. (Also interesting that you said she was not "able" to RSVP. What does that mean? If she forgot, she forgot.)

I cannot imagine taking that kind of interest in someone at work, even if they work for me. So, inappropriate attention to someone's personal situation, and poor boundaries if you ask me. I think you should ask yourself honestly -- if it had been a man, or a 64 year old woman, would have done the same thing?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal thank you for asking. Yes I would do the same if it had been a man. This would not be crossing a boundary I have agreed upon with my wife if it was a man. I had actually done something like this 2 years ago when a coworker was given one month's notice of the termination of his job. It was a man in his mid to late 60's. I appreciate your clarification. You helped me recall that coworker. Thank you for your insights.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, the question "would I do the same thing if it was a man" is dangerous. I can honestly say that if one of my close male friends were having marital problems, I would open up to him the same as I did to AP's.

That's not the problem. The problem is that by being a KISA to a young woman, there are all those options or opportunities down the road that may come up.

I didn't sleep with every woman with whom I had a personal conversation, or did something nice for. BUT every AP started with me doing something for them, or lending a shoulder to cry on.

The question for me is not "would I do this for a man." The question is "is there any way that THIS action is like the stuff that got me into trouble." I think I could trust myself to stop at a certain point, but there is no way that I want to test that right now.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 570 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
wishicouldredo
♀ New Member
Member # 43623
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definitely a positive that you told her, however as a BS I would be very upset as well. Do you have to work very closely with her? IMHO I'd be concerned that the door was opened to the OW like that.


"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.