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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to do?
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it better to go with the accusations or fight for the truth?

If I fight for the truth she thinks it's a lie and it's over.
If I go with the accusation it's over.

So what do I do?

I truly have been putting a lot of effort in fixing myself. And I've done an amazing job. I am finally proud of who I am becoming. I can look at women and think of them as people not just something I can ogle at.

So the situation that happened today. We were at an event and at a booth looking at stuff. And we were chatting with the person running the booth. And people came up behind us so I looked behind and saw a man and a woman come up. that's the only thought I had, nothing else. And while the conversation my BGF was having with another lady and the one running the booth wasn't quite grabbing me so I was looking around at a booth we already been to. But when the guy was asking to do something against trademark I looked at him. Now I don't know if She thought she saw me checking out the woman that came up with the man then or when I looked behind me. Which was farthest from the truth.

So needless to say leaving the event we weren't on good terms. Which hurts because I'm doing right by her. She's my everything and I know she is hurting badly. And I wish I can take her pain away.

Go back to new years ,
We were at a New Years party and I was checking out this one woman there and I clearly remember doing so.

Go to present time,
she said its so second nature that I don't notice me doing it today. And judging by the New Years incident I know when I'm looking at someone again. And I know I didn't look at this woman a second time. But she won't believe me.

So, now I'm stuck. And I have no clue how to go about this. She's pretty much not wanting anything to do with me. And I can't stress this enough that my mind, body, and heart is hers and hers alone.

Now I will add everything is super sensitive because her daughter is now a victim of infidelity. And discovered yesterday that he's still lying and doing what he's doing. So she kicked him to the curb last night. And being on the outside looking in and seeing it hurt her daughter and this family. I hate what I've caused and have fixed myself to make sure I could never hurt my BGF ever again. So I don't know if it's her thinking she saw something because I know I didn't look again. I know I didn't.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 6:03 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, now I'm stuck. And I have no clue how to go about this.

How did you handle it in the moment?

Did you get defensive? Did you get frustrated? Or did you demonstrate compassion and empathy? Did you tell her you could understand her reaction due to your past behaviors, but in this circumstance it's not the case. Did you tell her how awful it must feel to have to constantly question the truth? That you can't understand how it feels but you know if must be painful. That she is the only one you want to lay eyes on?

Your actions and reactions will either be a comfort or a red flag. But always go with the truth.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 637 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got slightly defensive but was trying to hold her hand because I know I didn't do it. I'm still on the defensive side. But I'm not being angry. I'm just stating the fact. But I want whatever we can do about this to be good and healthy for her. I'm 100% committed to her. And I love her with all of my heart.

But she won't talk to me unless it's me telling her what she thinks she saw. Which when she returned home I said then I guess it's what you saw but I really don't remember any look I gave her. But she says she saw it.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, she saw what she saw and you won't be able to change her mind about that! How about admitting that you may have some unconscious scanning behaviors that are lingering, telling her that you appreciate her bringing it to your attention, so that you can work on stopping it, and apologizing to her for how that made her feel? I think that's your ONLY shot in this.

Posts: 11558 | Registered: Mar 2008
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do? You drop your self-righteousness and start practicing humility. Seriously.

A BS, or BGF as in your case, becomes hyper-aware of certain *behaviors* of the WS. When I say hyper-aware, I don't mean overly-sensitized or over-reactive ---- what I am saying is that it is behavior that is now noticed if it occurs. If the behavior doesn't occur, then there is no *ping*/reaction on the BS' part.

Dude. She *pinged*. Your best bet is to believe that she saw what she saw and realize that you aren't as fixed as you believe yourself to be.

There is more to earning the *f* in front of the WS moniker than just not doing *<whatever>badbehavior* anymore.

have fixed myself to make sure I could never hurt my BGF ever again

The attitude you are displaying in regards to this incident is hurting her. You are demeaning, diminishing, and invalidating her because of your need to tell her that she did not see what she clearly thought she saw.

How about admitting that you may have some unconscious scanning behaviors that are lingering, telling her that you appreciate her bringing it to your attention, so that you can work on stopping it, and apologizing to her for how that made her feel? I think that's your ONLY shot in this.

I agree with this. However.....don't do this unless you are willing to honestly concede that she saw you do something that you didn't even realize you did. Your BGF will *know* if you are just "ok, honey, if you say it happened then it happened"'ing her.

I remember your post about the New Year's situation. I also remember that I posted on that thread. The same issue has reared its head 5 months later. You would be wise to not dismiss it so quickly.

As a disclaimer: My WS constantly challenged me about my *perceptions* of him by proclaiming that my perception was wrong. Turns out that all of my perceptions were right......and I'm divorcing him. The outcome could have turned out differently if he had just *listened* to me instead of trying to convince me that he was a changed man (even though I knew differently by what I was *seeing* from him).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7870 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to dismiss it. I just don't understand it all. I know not one thought went through my mind with this woman. But did I look at her or look through her to something behind her?

If she saw it then I believe her. But if my mind isn't doing what it use to do then How do I change this part? I've spent the past couple of hours thinking this over and I believe her I just don't remember.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You acknowledge that she *pinged*.
You say something along the lines of what TIKYA posted regarding the possibility that you still have lingering 'scanning' behaviors. (and imo, you aren't going to divest yourself of that long-term, ingrained scanning behavior in just a few short months).

Ask her what she saw. And DO NOT argue with her after she tells you. THINK about what she says t you. Be willing to accept that her perception isn't flawed.

You are nowhere as *healed* as you think that you are. The fact that you see her reaction as an *accusation* instead of a reaction coming from a place of *no fucking way am I dealing with *this* again*.....is indicative of that.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7870 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think by being defensive, challenging her perceptions, trying to convince her that what she saw did not happen, maybe she is feeling that you are minimizing her feelings.

After betrayal, even a perceived action is enough to send you into a tailspin.

Maybe if you could imagine how that tailspin feels, just the feeling of it and not if your behavior was inappropriate or not, just in the moment. React to how she feels, not to how her reaction makes you feel.

Perhaps something like, "I was not aware that I did "behavior", I will continue to work on this. I am so sorry that my past behavior has caused you to feel this way, to worry and feel pain."

Does that make sense? Offer comfort and validation, don't try to defend yourself in the moment that she is hurting.

Don't let it just go though, try to be more conscious of your automatic behaviors. It takes a long time to become aware of and change the behaviors that are so natural to us.

I hope this helps, only expressing what I think would help me.

Those feelings if threat, pain, reminders that the "look" or word really could mean danger, that is a killer. Once your trust is violated by your partner, it really is so hard to feel safe, to feel that you matter.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1307 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if I can get rid of the playing out stuff in my mind why do I scan without me knowing? Did I freeze on her for a split second when turning to look at something behind me? I believe it's possible. Where's my ghost of Xmas past? I want to go back and watch myself so badly.

I believe her. Just how do we move forward. She refuses to talk to me and told me to stop talking to her last night. I'll try again today and hopefully she'll talk to me today.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if you could imagine how that tailspin feels, just the feeling of it and not if your behavior was inappropriate or not, just in the moment. React to how she feels, not to how her reaction makes you feel.

Yes, that is very true. Deal with her feelings in the moment, and try to not be defensive. And, be honestly willing to look at and evaluate your actions. It helps me if my H says that I am safe, and that he is present, with me. She still very much sees you as a threat, and that is the biggest thing to work on. Time will help, and continued "no oggling" behavior on your part. I do think it is ok to, when she calms down, explain that you weren't oggling, if you weren't. But, be honest with yourself.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I think may be the best ting for you to share with her at this time. Tell her that if she saw this scanning behavior, it must still have been present and you were not aware. But if you can explain to her that you were NOT aware because the thinking that normally accompanies this behavior wasn't present. I would imagine that the scanning behavior is a trigger and is painful to witness, but if she knew that the hurtful thought that used to be there were not, then the scanning behavior may have less of a significance. It points out progress, and might take some of the sting away. then you can brainstorm about how you may be able to distinguish the behavior too. Maybe she could even help, IDK. Good luck!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 11

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