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On Tuesday May 27th my wife informed me that she was having an affair. I had suspected it for the past 4 months as she had distanced herself from me and had asked her multiple times if there was someone else. I even named who the AP was on one occasion and she denied it. Now I am trying to get through this initial period of emotional trauma and determine a course of action that will help me to survive. I wish that I had found this site sooner because it is clear to me now that I have made a lot of mistakes since Dday. I am hopeful that some of you can help me to course correct right away.

My WS says that she started to pull away from me about a year ago, which is also when she first felt an attraction to her AP. He is a spinning instructor and she went to his class 3 or 4 times a week. She says he initiated flirtations at class and then pursued her with text messages. She claims that she was not happy with our marriage due to feeling neglected and lonely and when someone else showed her attention it was impossible to resist. The A became physical about 5 months ago. She admitted that they had sex twice but met on many other occasions to talk and kiss in his car. Hearing these words was painful beyond description. She and I have been together since we were kids and we have only been with each other our entire lives. Until now.

Another significant fact is that I have been battling severe depression for the past 6 months. It appeared to come out of the blue and it hit me very hard. I could not put my finger on any 1 thing that triggered it but I know that the strain in my marriage was part of it. This depression caused me to appear weak, needy and pathetic. I needed the emotional support of my wife, the person who has been in my life for 29 years, and she was not there for me. Her distancing at a time when I was suffering so much made my recovery almost impossible. I could not understand how she could abandon me emotionally during the most difficult time of my life. For 29 years I have been an alpha male to my entire family and hers. But depression is an evil beast and it turned me into someone else. During this time I smothered her with questions about "us" and pleaded with her to love me. But I know now that she was in the fog during this entire period. I also know that my attempts to bring her closer only served to push her farther away. Finally we got the meds right and my depression started to lift in mid April. As I got stronger I began giving her more space. I was more engaged in my work and traveled on business quite a bit. I was really getting better and showing her the old me. Then came Dday. My sleep, appetite and mood all plunged as I tried to process what she had just told me. This news can send the healthiest person into a deep depression.

Her AP was the one who ended it. His "girlfriend" saw text messages between him and my wife on his phone and he told my WS that he could no longer see her and that she was no longer able to attend his spin class. My WS waited for 2 weeks before confessing to me. During this 2 week period I could tell that something was really bothering her. She was crying for no reason and telling me that she thought she was getting depression. During this I was comforting her as much as I could which made her feel tremendous guilt. She said things like, "You should not be comforting me, I was not there for you." I simply told her that I forgave her and that I did not want to see her suffer like I had. Looking back, I believe that she was in withdrawal from the affair ending.

During the first few days following Dday she showed some genuine remorse and a desire to R. She said things to me that made me feel her love for the first time in over a year. It felt great to feel wanted again but there were also feelings of rage, sadness, shock, jealousy etc.. that I had to deal with. I hit her with question after question and said things to make her feel even more guilty. Soon she began to pull away again, refusing to talk or answer any more questions. It has been a roller coaster from hell for both of us. It has now gotten to the point where I am the one chasing her again! She just wants to get away from me and I just want to hear her tell me how sorry she is for hurting me and that she wants to commit to rebuilding our marriage. Unfortunately, I think it's highly unlikely that my marriage is going to survive. I read the 180 last night and I have been breaking virtually every rule for the past 4 months. She is acting as if our marriage means nothing to her right now. Here is what has happened since Dday:

My WS sent him a text message after she told me letting him know that I knew the truth. A "heads up" of sorts.

My WS gave me his phone number so I could call him. Which I did. He answered my questions and apologized.

My WS told me she confessed because she wanted to work on us. Her AP was surprised that she confessed because he says that his girlfriend was not going to tell me.

My WS has engaged in TT over the past 12 days. But overall has been willing to answer my questions.

She says that she will not contact him again and that if he tries to contact her that she will tell me. I do not believe her. She clearly has a strong emotional bond with him.

She refuses to stop going to the spin studio where he works. She is not going to attend his classes but will not even consider switching to another studio. Yesterday, she was planning on attending a class at 10am. The problem is that the AP teaches a class at 11am and it is virtually 100% certain that they would have seen each other. She did not tell me or ask me in advance if that would be ok. When I saw her preparing to go to that class I told her that if she did, our marriage was over. She did not go but she was furious all day.

She will not agree to full transparency on phone, email or account for her time. She says that she will not live that way and strongly resists any hint of being controlled by anyone. She says I am going to have to trust her or leave her. She is very hostile and disrespectful to me about all of this.

She will not agree to couples counseling. She says that she will do IC when she is ready though.

She currently is not sure if she wants to try and R. She is distancing herself from me in every possible way and I am pursuing. This stops today. It is not working and it is reducing my self esteem.

I still have very strong feelings for her. In many ways I am disgusted with myself about that. I still want to believe we can R. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that it may be too late. I fear she is too far gone and that I will never be able to forgive her unless she is 100% committed and willing to earn back my trust. And right now, she is no where close to that. She has been in my life since I was 13 and I have never imagined a future without her. Waves of sickening disbelief keep surging through me that this is really happening. I have read advice on marriagebuilders.com that says we should spend as much time as possible together during her withdrawal. And that I should be careful not to do anything to upset her during this time. I have tried that and it is literally impossible. The tension between us is so thick and the emotions are raw that each time we are together we are both miserable. She is not sure if she wants to be with me right now. I don't think there is anything I can do until she decides what she wants. Part of me wants to file for D and just move on. Part of me thinks that I should try the 180 first. I know I cannot keep doing what I have been doing. She has enjoyed the safety net of knowing I am here if she wants me. Am I just fooling myself to think that there is any hope?

Onguard,

Sorry for what has happened, but first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up. And you would not be normal if you had not lost a bit of self esteem over this.

You will get a lot of different opinions here about the 180. It is meant to heal you, so maybe you can do some of that, but I believe it works best if you have a spouse who wants to R.

You have one good thing here. The AP has been caught by his girlfriend and has decided to dump your wife, AND he was cordial and apologetic to you on the phone. You could probably get his ass fired so maybe that was why he was so nice but at least he did not tell you that he had any intention of continuing the A. That is a GOOD thing.

Since you basically know all the details now, MC probably would be helpful, but it appears you are NOT going to "nice" your WW back into the marriage.

Only you can decide how much pain you can take and you have to maintain your emotional and physical health. There is a saying you may see on the board here that "you must be willing to end the marriage in order to save it"

If you look at the other threads you will see just how much pain a WW or WH can inflict. You should see an attorney so you have your ducks lined up, and at some point you can give her the preliminary papers.

If you are sure the A is over, and it appears you are right, your biggest danger is that your wife will replace the AP she lost with another one. She is certainly ripe for that.

You have to make some tough decisions but you can and will survive.

Welcome to SI, Onguard. I am saddened that you find yourself here , but know you are among those who have walked in the painful shoes of infidelity.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library? Chock full of great information, and knowledge is power.

First of all, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. Your wife lost her right to privacy when she chose to have an affair. If she is not willing to be completely transparent with her phone, emails, social media, etc, I'd consider that a huge red flag.

Keep in mind cheaters lie and lie and lie, and her "word" means nothing at this point. She must earn your trust back, it will take YEARS.

I would make a requirement of R, if you decide that's your path, to end attending ANY classes at that studio. Time to find a new one.

Like the above poster stated, you cannot "nice" her back into the marriage. She's in control, you MUST put yourself in the driver's seat. She is playing a game with your life, draw the line in the sand.

Marriage counseling will not do any good if she still has her head up her ass, and certainly by the sound of your post, she does.

Please make an appt. with your doctor and get tested for STDS. Also check on some anti-depressants if you are not already taking them to help you cope through this nightmare.

I am going to bump up two threads, one called Before You Say Reconcile, the other Tactical Primer. Excellent reads and maybe they will give you some clarity.

There is also a Betrayed Men Only thread in the I Can Relate forum, many SI veterans there who might be able to help.

Post often, read as much as you can, there is a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that might be helpful for your wife if she is willing to do the work.

((((Hugs))))

The advice you got from marriage sounds like it was written by a Wayward spouse who wanted to cake eat.

Your wife is still in the "fog." That means she has not let go of her attachment to the other man and at this point she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

Really the only thing you can do to save your marriage at this point is the 180 but you have got to be tough. It seems counter-intuitive but that is really what it takes. If you appear needy and week and willing to do anything to win them back it will just make things worse as long as she is in this state of mind.

Start a really hard 180 and see an attorney. Let her know you have seen an attorney. You need to do this anyway to protect yourself financially. The appointment can just be for advice, but she doesn't need to know that. If she starts softening and acting like she wants to reconcile, give her the list of things you expect. IE., total transparency, all passwords to cell, internet, etc., absolutely NO CONTACT with OM and MC. If she want IC also, that is up to her, but IC would probably not be a bad idea for you also. Sometimes a MC can do both. Ours does, but it takes the right counselor.

So sorry you are in such pain. It is horrible I know. It will get better no matter what.

Kansas got it right my man. Your WW is not remorseful. You claim she is TT you, yet you say she is being overall honest. I'm sorry but if she is TT she is not being honest in any way, shape or form. Don't give her credit for continued bad choices and behaviors. She refuses to stop her classes and now you must refuse to continue with the M. You know the old saying: Give them an inch, they take a yard ? That's especially true with waywards. If you allow her to dictate terms here your life is going to continually go down the sewer along with her morals. Its imperative you take a very firm stand right now. Lay out your terms for R to her and she has the choice of doing whats needed to save the M or not. At the moment I'd bet my left nut she choses not. I say this because she has not had to endure any consequence for her actions. She thinks she is going to bully you into accepting her decisions. She knows your emotionally vulnerable and now she is using that to strong arm you into allowing her to see the OM on the side after this dies down a bit. I hope you see that's her goal here brother.

Look my man, OM is nothing more than a predator. Why the hell do you think is career choice is teaching "Spin classes" ? It gives his predatory ass access to women. Many of whom are just getting back into shape and their self esteem is low. He knows just what to say and how to act to get them into the sack. Your WW thinks she is special. But trust me, its not the OM's first time at the dance. Most likely he has a few women on the side. Married women are great to these types of assholes. They get to have NSA sex for as long as they can. When it gets too hot in the kitchen, they cool it down until the coast is clear. Trust me this A is far from over, its just on the back burner for a little bit. If you let her to keep calling the shots, OM is gonna be back with a vengeance. Face facts bro, your W is gone and has been replaced with a WW. One who does not have your best interests at heart. You need to make a stand now !!!! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by employing this strategy. If your afraid of losing her I must remind you that she is already gone.

im sorry you are here in this position, its not a good one.

first, dont expect that your wife is being "honest". the trickle truth is probably still not over. if she says they had sex 2x, tis probably closer to 10. get an STD test. she will say they used condoms. they all do. its almost always not true. require her to get one too. then in several months get another each, some things show up later.

the full transparency with phone, email accounts, etc can NOT be negotiable. its a requirement. she has no rights to keep secrets, especially after proving that she cant be trusted. a brutal truth but a truth none the less.

counseling isnt an option either. she needs it. you need it. and you need it together.

she can NOT be trusted to be in contact with the other man (nor can he be trusted). if this class is so vital for her then she can find somewhere else to do it. thats a consequence of her actions. you wouldnt send an alcoholic into the bar to hang out all day, would you? dont put her in the same position with OM or else there is a risk the affair just moves underground and becomes more secretive.

try to eat, drink, sleep right. its going to be a long battle and you need to take care of yourself.

Obviously, you can see that the advice given here differs greatly from what you have received before.

I can't speak for others....only myself....and the thousands of stories that I have read here in the last 4 years. But when you think about what is being preached here, it really does make sense. The majority of the advice you will receive, will seem blatantly obvious---don't compromise your morals; don't tolerate poor boundaries and behavior; be authentic, and expect authenticity from your partner, etc.

These are all things that should be a GIVEN in one's marriage.

Of course, it is a whole lot harder to enforce these boundaries, when we have been emasculated, had our self esteem brought down to zero, and are unsure if we will ever be able to fully trust anyone again in our lives. This is the trauma that comes with infidelity. But you can fight back, and you can thrive again. The only thing you can't ensure is if your wife will be a part of that equation.

You can't change her. You can only change yourself--but that is what matters here. What we can do, is give you the advice that has been experienced...and learned...from tens of thousands of people here, with the hope that you can accept this advice as a building block in your recovery. And don't beat yourself up if you have done things the "wrong" way in the past, or have any relapses along the way forward. It happens. It is normal. You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again.

There will be plenty of advice still coming your way. Please read ALL of the posts, and start to implement a plan of recovery. Focus on yourself, and you will see things start to clear right before your very eyes...like you have noticed as of recently.

Good luck moving forward. Post as much as you can, with as much detail as you are comfortable in giving. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help.

Onguard