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12 days since Dday, searching for the right course

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damaged71 posted 7/2/2014 19:17 PM


I read your story and felt compelled to respond. I know what you are going through. I had a WW that wasn't real sure what she wanted to do. She caused me untold misery by stringing me along and tossing be tidbits that gave me hope. I tried to "nice" her back for a while.

I know what your future looks like.

On a long enough timeline you WILL get tired of this. Once that happens you will wake up one day and realize that NO ONE is worth the pain you have gone through. This will happen, mark my word. You will get tired of it someday.

The only difference is how much pain you endure before you get there.

For me I realized after she had taken a trip many states away to go home for a week how nice it was not dealing with her bullshit while she was away. I realized then, "Hey this being alone thing is kind of nice". After I had that realization I also realized that I was financing my own misery. When my wife got home I handed her a list of minimum requirements I would accept from my wife. I spelled everything out. I told her "you can do as you wish when you wish but if you violate any of my requests you are CHOOSING to be divorced". I told her that once it was in motion it was irrevocable. I would not ever turn back.

She balked at the list at first. I told her "everything in there is what a husband should expect from a respectful wife and nothing more. I only request the same respect that I freely give you.

I realized that she wasn't the prize, I was. What I had to offer was a good guy, great career, lots of income, family man and faithful. What she had to offer me was a cheating wife that disrespected me and caused me pain. Don't think for a second any of the OM are going to support her like you do. Even she isn't dumb enough to believe they are. She NEEDS you to continue her lifestyle. You are the one that makes it possible.

When you get to the point that I'm talking about, you are going to do what everyone is telling you to do anyway. You are going to say "F*&K This, she isn't worth it". At this point you will gladly file for divorce and dread every moment you are in the same room with her.

You said something very wise earlier. You said something like "maybe we aren't special and like everyone else". This is correct. If you will notice everyone has given you the exact same advice. WE ALL WENT THROUGH EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE. Being nice didn't work for us either. This is your first time going through this. You don't know how this ends. We have gone through it and witnessed it on here over and over and over. We KNOW how this ends. Imagine a horror movie. How many times do you need to see it to know where the bad guy is hiding and what he is going to do?

We are screaming at you telling you the bad guy is behind the door. We know he is there, we have seen this before. He is going to hurt you badly. We are giving you the instructions that will save you, because we have seen this "movie" many times.

You know what keeps me up at night? It isn't the fact that my wife cheated. It's the fact I was in complete control of stopping the pain she was causing me. I look back and wish I would have filed on D-day. I would have been SO much better off.

I'll end with this. The clock is ticking on your relationship. Your wife has to become remorseful and understanding before you absolutely hate her. Once you hate her, that's it. If you get to the point of hate before she wakes up, it's too late. This is already hard enough to get over anyway. If there is any hope of saving your relationship YOU have to wake her up ASAP. Is being nice going to do that?

crisp posted 7/2/2014 19:27 PM

Very compelling testimony from Damaged71.

Schadenfreude posted 7/2/2014 19:33 PM

Passed out in the car is like college/Animal House days. Adults don't do that. Beware.

Great post from Damaged71. Read and heed. It may save you a whole lot of aggravation and pain.

Onguard posted 7/3/2014 13:08 PM

Thanks for your insights damaged71. My situation feels hopeless. I'm dealing with depression which has weakened me in addition to the trauma of this affair and her loss of feelings for me. I do realize that being nice is not going to work. I have been like a sad puppy dog since dday. My ww is convinced that our marriage was terminally ill prior to her affair. So she is spending all of her time rationalizing her actions instead of taking ownership and showing remorse. Everyone here is telling me that I must take action and respond with strength. But my fear of losing her permanently, and life as I have known it for a long time, is paralyzing me. I am in this holding pattern hoping that my emotions will settle down and I will be able to function and think better.

If I demand that she commit to R with a list of requirements right now then it is virtually certain that she will refuse. So I will be forced to enforce her choice and move forward with ending the M. This is the last thing she expects me to do, which is why it MIGHT wake her up. But not likely. If I go this way I need to be ready to end it. And right now, as much as I wish I was ready, I'm not.

My other option is to try and be patient. To focus on myself and do my best to do the 180. If I can get stronger, overcome my depression and let her see me living my life and being happy without her. Maybe then her feelings for me will come back. If her feelings come back then maybe she will wake up and feel sincere remorse.

Right now I am hurting and missing her. I don't want to lose my family and our life. I appreciate everyone taking the time to try and knock some sense into me. I hope that I can find the courage to act.

Badhurt posted 7/3/2014 13:17 PM

OK but was the friend she was out until 1AM with a male or female or wont she tell you.

Your tolerance for pain is your business and only you can get yourself out of this.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 13:27 PM

Oh, my friend, sooner or later you will act. Once you've had enough of your current situation. You could remain as you are in misery, or you could do a self lobotomy to forget everything that's happened, or you can decide that separation is needed where the WS wholly lacks remorse without which R is impossible. Your choice.

But the sooner you decide, the less pain will be inflicted on you.
And remember you can't control what she does, you can only control what you do.

FrmrBH80124 posted 7/3/2014 13:53 PM


It has been repeated many times on SI but sometime in order to save the marriage you have to be willing to lose it. I will tell you the greatest relief that I felt was when I filed and ended the damn insanity.

Filing does not mean you will divorce. It tells your WW that you are done dealing with this bullshit. Either she commits or you are done.

Damaged is correct, when you've had enough you will take action. Take action before it's too late.

Wishing you the best!

[This message edited by FrmrBH80124 at 1:53 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Badhurt posted 7/3/2014 21:22 PM

On guard

Is she refusing to tell you who she was with when she was out until 1 or 3 am or are you afraid to ask. If she was with another man and you allow that our of fear you are going to wind up in the hospital or worse by the time she gets do e with you.
Until you get over the paralysis she will continue to treat you like this . Why should she change . You are dying inside, she is doing what she wants, band you are deciding to take it.
If she believes your marriage is dead , you can take it to the bank there will be more cheating. Hiding and being submissive and terrified will not help you because there are no consequences for her.
When you absorb enough pain or get very sick from the emotional strain you will come out of it.
So I'll just ask for the third time. Was she out with another man the other night drinking , don't you know , or are you too worried to want to know?

sohowamI posted 7/4/2014 06:21 AM

Onguard: How are you dealing with your depression? Are you taking medication? Talking to a counsellor? You know you can't use your depression as a scapegoat to inertia. It will only make it worse. I know. I suffer from the black dog of depression and had a breakdown following my discoveries of my WS's multiple affairs. However, I stuck my feet in bloody hobnailed boots and read him the riot act. There was NO WAY that he was going to get away with anything else again! He was remorseful and desperate to try anything to save our marriage. Your WW is NOT there, so there's no hope - for the time being.

What I am saying is this: deal with your depression but don't use it as a reason NOT to deal with your WW and your marriage. When you decide to act with strength it will, believe it or not, lift sufficiently to allow you to see what's in front of you.

Onguard posted 7/4/2014 09:43 AM

Thanks Badhurt as well as all of you taking the time to try and help. The friend, believe it or not, was her brothers AP. Yes, that's right, her brother has been in a long term relationship with someone (but not married) and he is having an affair. You can't make this stuff up. So, the story I was told is that 4 people went to the concert. My ww, her mom, her brother and his ap. But again, how could I ever really know? Further, does it even matter at this point? The facts of the case that I already know are about as bad as it gets unfortunately.

WW had an affair for 9 months.
WW abandoned me during this when I needed her more than any other time in my life.
WW says that she was already checked out of the M when my depression hit.
WW did not end the affair and did not want it to end. Says there has been NC and has pledged to honor that.
WW did confess voluntarily and said it was her intent to work on our relationship. (some credit for this)
WW says she is no longer in love with me but hopes and wants those feelings to come back.
WW says her biggest mistake was falling for someone who was already committed to someone else. Wow.
WW is still in love with her AP. Hopes it is an addiction and not a deeper love. Also this could be part of why she has no feelings for me right now.

Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 10:27 AM


She is continuing to go to this spin class hoping this guy will change his mind and want to bang her again. She has NOT agreed to NC and her love for you is not going to come back certainly as long as she goes every day to parade in front of the OM.

There is absolutely nothing in what you have just posted to give anyone a reason to think that she is anywhere close to coming out of this fog. Right now, the only impact on her life is your discussions with her. other than that, she sleeps in your house, she spends you money,she goes to the gym to see OM, and last week probably got a lot of positive reinforcement of how great affairs can be are from her "friend".

Remember, the OM is not married, can split with his GF at any time, and they will not send you a telegram announcing that. If that happens or if he wants it to happen, your wife will jump right back into bed with him.She has practically come right out and told you that.

The only thing that has any chance of knocking her out of this is for her life to change and change dramatically.

it still has not sunk in that you really do not have any choices here. You either suck it up, make nice, and hope she does not fuck him or someone else again, or you do something that yes does involve risk but it at least an attempt to save your health and mental well being.

Only you can decide that, but with her attitude you are simply not going to nice her out of this.
you are sitting on a time bomb with her visiting him every day while you are work supporting her.

Onguard posted 7/5/2014 19:55 PM

Well, I am here to report that you have all been right. Not just a little right, but dead right. Unfortunately, today is my dday 2. Last night my ww got drunk again and opened up to my son's girlfriend with some additional details about the A. They had sex on many occasions, not just twice. They had sex in my house, not just his. If he contacts her and wants to be together she would leave me and our kids to do that. The sex that they had was the most exciting she has ever experienced. And the real way the OW discovered the affair was not by seeing texts on his phone. She saw my ww leaving his house.

I confronted my ww. I asked her if she fucked him in our house. The look on her face said it all. At first she said that he was in our home. I asked her again if she fucked him in our house and she said yes, and it was amazing and I will fuck him wherever I want! She then confirmed all of the other details as well. I asked her why she continued to lie to me. "You knew 98% of the facts, the other stuff was irrelevant". If it was irrelevant then you would not have hidden it.

Thank you to everyone who has posted in an attempt to help me. My situation is clearly beyond recovery and it's time for me to move forward. My ww has left the home to stay with her parents. She told me that she wants to find a place for herself and our daughter. I told her that she is free to stay but she wants to leave.

This pain is so intense. 30 years, since we were kids, so many memories, 2 beautiful kids, a home, a life. On May 26th I thought we were a marriage on the rocks. On May 27th I thought we were down but not out. On July 5th I know the end has come. We never had a serious talk about our relationship or that she was extremely unhappy. I wish to god I could turn back the clock 1 year. But that is impossible. I am also wishing for god to take my love for her and erase it. I can't believe this is it.

Schadenfreude posted 7/5/2014 20:13 PM

That feeling of love is for who she used to be. Not the cheating, cruel whore she has become. Your feeling, like an old memory, will subside over time. And you will get on with your life.

Those of us who seemed harsh were really trying to wake you up to what the truth proved to be. She's long gone from your M, and you were the supplier of her lifestyle.

It will be hard. But Monday, no later, cancel joint credit cards, remove 1/2 of money from all joint accounts and put it in an account in your name. Tell the bank there is a divorce in the works.
They have heard it before and will hear it again.

Who owns her car? If hers, tell her to get her own insurance as you are cancelling it on that car if its a joint policy you pay for. (Ask lawyer first).

See a lawyer asap and file a divorce case.

Once WW finds out that neither OM nor her parents who must not be young any more cannot support her in the style she likes, the shit will hit the fan. Imagine if the spinning club membership was cancelled for nonpayment. OM would have a new crop of victims present without WW's interference. He probably cannot help support her, and it is possible his choice is gf instead of WW. That will dawn on WW sooner or later.

These steps are not for cruelty or revenge They are to protect you from the valkyrie / harpie she will become when she knows she's alone, getting divorced, and her nice and comfy life is over.

You must do the HARD 180 with her. Discuss kid issues and financial issues only. Otherwise, whatever she says is of no interest to you. Repeat after me: "Im sorry you feel that way, but that's how things have worked out".

And be careful of the sudden reversal. Unless her mother is equally nuts, mom will be telling her repeatedly she did the wrong thing and she should try to straighten it out. And since she's under mom's roof again, she can hardly help but revert to daughter role and listen to mom. Mom and dad are not your friends, don't let WW use them as go-betweens. WW can't tell mom that fucking OM was the best thing that ever happened to her, so even mom will get TT.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.

craig2001 posted 7/5/2014 20:21 PM

She told me that she wants to find a place for herself and our daughter.
There are lawyers on here. But I am not so sure she can just take the daughter. But others know better than I do.

Just stay strong and realize she has changed into something else. Seems drinking is an issue and well as FOO possibly.

Badhurt posted 7/5/2014 21:44 PM


Sorry to hear this news. I urge you to now stay on here and let the people on her help you get through this. There are many men and women who have been in your shoes.
Please get to your attorney first thing Monday and get the proper advice for your state.
The second thing I would do is call the gym and see if you can get his ass fired.
Your wife will get some financial help for you but her ass will now be going back to work. And when reality hits she is not going to be a happy camper with her life.
Her level of disrespect has gone beyond the level of where you should be playing nice .
Try to take care of your health. See your physician , and get this person that has become a true monster out of your life. You are not an old man. It will get better and you will survive .

self-rescuer posted 7/5/2014 21:49 PM

I am so sorry for your suffering. Please know we all understand that your heart is broken.

So sadly, there is always a lowest possible point that sets our trajectory for healing. You are there.

Unfortunately, you must push past this pain and prepare for the next arduous process. My suggestion is to post on the separation/divorce forum. Introduce yourself and lean into the support you'll find there. Honestly, the love and counsel and INFORMATION you'll find there will keep you sane.

Everyone who has posted on this thread hoped for a different outcome from you, even as we cautioned and counseled you. We understand your sorrow and the gravity of your loss. But we also see your strength and value and know that soon you too will again know your worth and power.

Badhurt posted 7/7/2014 06:26 AM


Now is not the time to leave the forum. There are people here that can help you /
You need to protect your health as best as you can. Many of the men and women who will respond to you have been in your shoes. I know right now that does not make you feel better, but when you feel up to it come back to the board.

No one here is happy that we were right so do not feel ashamed about that. You were under a lot of stress and us sitting here listening to the facts were just looking at what was happening from a non involved perspective, which is easier to see clearly in.

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 15:12 PM

Stick around. Read the Divorce sub forum if you're headed there soon. General is, well, general with a lot of useful advice in a variety of situations.

Seeing lawyer. My advice

Outline the issues you need to discuss

Child Custody
Child Support
Spousal Support
Property Division
Assets and debts (approx good enough now)
Income situation
Visitation/Shared Custody
Rights to remain in home
Selling home
How long would court stick you with spousal support
Fees and costs
Timeline for divorce contested and uncontested
Anything else you can think of.

Lawyer visit is for legal advice, not marriage counseling. We are no good at marriage counseling. If counseling sought, ask for a referral to IC. WW in no shape for you to waste time and money on MC when she's still deep in the A mentality.

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 15:12 PM

Oh, 180 for own mental health. She's become evil. Why tell son's gf and not you? Evil

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 3:14 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

Onguard posted 7/7/2014 17:08 PM

Schadenfreude, thanks for the detailed outline. I plan on interviewing a couple of additional attorneys. The one I met with last week didnt impress me. I have a lot to lose financially so it's important that I get the right team together. I opened a new bank account today and all future deposits will be directed to this account. I am changing beneficiaries on my life insurance and I have contacted my estate planning attorney to make some changes to my trust and healthcare poa.

You are correct as well that she is still deep in the fog. Her behavior has changed so drastically over the past 6 months that it is hard to believe. She was a woman with integrity, intelligence and class. Now she has become this selfish party girl.

I am moving forward with ending the M and starting a new life.

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