Sorry this is a long winded and my first attempt to get evertyhing down.
My marriage has been in trouble for some time, but I thought I could just do something that would make him feel happy to see me. Maybe if I just had dinner ready for him. Maybe.. I don't know what I was thinking but I had my head buried in the sand. He has become so distant. I knew that things were getting bad when out of the blue in June he said " you know it's not fair that I can't do anything when you always are working on the weekends" (My job requires weekend work.) Not that I've ever said anything like he couldn't do anything without me. Needless to say, several weeks passed and he wanted to go to the beach with the "guys" from work. First off, there are no "guys" from work as he is a construction superintendient and everyone works under him. But sometimes there are contractors that he likes. But I let this pass and said sure go have fun at the beach. Was I hurt? Of course, because we never spend anytime together and it would have been nice if he asked me ahead of time to take a one of those days off to go to the beach - our favorite activity that we used to do when i was in school. So, I said just send me some pictures of the fun. he left early at 5 am so I know he got to the beach around 8 am. I received one photo of him at the beach around 230pm. I texted him several times - hey looks great! Let's see the gang. Got nothing in response. He didn't come back till 930 that evening nor even left me know when he was coming back. When he came hoem I asked him how it was and also, boy you came back late. He said the guys were drinking. I asked him oh, I texted you for more photos. He said, he didn't have any reception on phone. I asked him how it was, what he did ect. you know making conversation. Hey you went to beach tell me all about it. Got "oh, it was good." I let it pass, because I thought gee I must be insecure and I don't want to be that kind of wife.
As time went on he is becoming more distant and when he comes home at night from working side jobs it just "hey or hi". He seems angry at me all the time, picking fights for little things. Not sitting with me on couch. Our sex life becoming non-existent - I always have to initiate. I ask him how his day was "ok", it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. He critizes me and then I just go down stairs to play on computer because I don't want to be around him. He starts having a drink at night at home every night. It's like he can't stand to me around me anymore. He often works a second job to help make ends met and I never know when he is coming home, so I never know when to make dinner so that it is ready. End up waiting and waiting and by the time he comes home I'm pissed that he can't even give me a freaking call to let me know. So, I go downstairs and play games on the computer, I dont' even know when he gets in because he never comes down to say he is home. He won't come down because I smoke and the basement is the only place I can smoke in the house. Or that's why he says he doesn't.
Anyway, it's now the end of March and he say's he wants to go out with the guys. I'm actually off because I hurt myself at work and am barely walking. Literally (foudn out that instead of a badly sprained ankle in Feburaruy I have bulding disc in my back). So, I have been off work since Feb 18th. Needless to say he's been a jerk this whole time - I'm hobbling around and he doesn't even offer to get me a cup of coffee, or an ice pack. I always have to ask. Anyway, so it's another outting with the guys at a club about 45 minutes away. I just knew something wasn't right. It gets to be 4 am and he's not home, no call nothing. So, I call him at 4 am. He says, I'm in the truck now. There is no background noise. He arrives home with the stereo blaring at 5 am. He is sitting in the chair, I turn on the light to see if he is alright and he says to me "Why did you turn on the light?". I say to see if you are ok. I leave him there and go to bed. The next morning at breakfast on deck, that Imake mind you. I ask him calmly. So, what happended last night? He says "nothing. just night out". No apology for coming home so late, nothing. My bullshit detecter has reached it's limit now. I pull the cell phone records and see thousands of texts each month (but it does not indicate to whom), hundreds of photos each month (note he has sent me two photos in the last 6 months), hours of phone calls to one number in Mass. We don't know anyone in Mass. I pull the records for as far as they have - till June. And guess what I find.. yes, calls since then. Not 5 min, 10 min calls, but two hours, 90 minutes, 30 minutes every other day. What the heck? What has he done I think. Who is this person? No wonder he is not talking to me - he's all talked out from this person.
I go on facebook and see that he has two profiles. I knew he had one from his high school friends and never felt the need to look. But now, things are definately not right. The first page was the one I knew about and you know I never looked on it. The second one has lots of women friends, some relatives but lots of women I don't know. I click on the "about" tab of my husband and see no relationship status, (we were married in 2001 and have been living together since 1996) but "Interested in Women." is listed. One of the women listed as his friend lives - where Mass. And do you know, his first page doesn't have a relationship status listed either and also says "interested in women" in the "about" section. Now, I am not a big facebook person because it always messes up my computer. So I really don't know a lot about it, but just last week realized that the "interested in women/men ect" does not become an option to select if you select married. Now, I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot.
Ok, so now I've been living with this phone log for weeks,this facebook stuff and I need to have a talk. I start off our talk with not this, but talk about our relationship. I ask him why he is so distant, what has become of us, does he still love me, how can we fix this. So, he starts telling me how I never talk to him anymore. That he counted how many words we said to each other in one night "7" he said. He said it's like I've given up because I am no longer looking for a better job. (Note, I graduated with a PHD in 2009 and haven't been able to find a position. Right now I am workign at a grocery store to help pay the bills. We've had to take on a roommate to make ends met. ) I said, yes, I can't find a job. I feel like a failure. I've been depressed. I have a two inch stack of rejection lettters and applications that I've filled out." He says, "How do you think it makes me feel when I ask you what you did in the basement and you tell me you were playing a game?" He tells me " you don't take care of yourself anymore. You don't work out. You dont' come to bed with me anymore, you stay up late on the computer. I spend all my time alone now." I tell him, "You don't want to even kiss me anymore. When I kiss you - you literally pull away. Do you love me?" He says, "Yes I love you. Why do you tihnk I am here." I tell him I will work on myself. He says' I can't stand the smoke. It comes up through the vents at night and wakes me up."
So, I start the job search again. I have to wake up at 6 am to do it because now, because I can't give up the smoking yet. So, that's the only time I smoke in the house. I only smoke out on the deck now, unless I'm doing the job search, writting applications and I've tried to cut down smoking but I'm under a lot of stress now. I've now lost about 20 pounds in the three weeks because I can't eat, I'm barely sleeping because of the pain and my emotional angst. I went back to work eventhough each step is painful because we need the money to pay the bills. I'm so unhappy. I try again to talk to see if he will tell me what is going on with this woman.
I ask him. I don't understand why you are so angry with me all the time. I'm doing everything that you asked of me. You asked me to change my life and I'm doing it. He says you have forgotten about me. I say, What? All I do it think of you! I wait for you to come home, I never know when you are coming home from work, where you are going because you can't even give me a phone call to let me know. I never know if you want dinner, I wait to make it." He says's you dont' have to amek dinner fo rme. I tell him. I want to have dinner with you!" Eveerything is still all my fault now. I know now that I am going to have to confront him and by now I am looking at everything. I try to look at his phone, but he keeps it on him all the time and at night he turns it off and it is password protected now. I never know how much money he is putting in our joint checking account each week so I can make the bills. I wonder where all our money goes. He does side jobs but I never see the money. I bounched all kind of checks because he didn't tell me that he wasn't putting a significant amount of money in the account and it took money out of his check card account to cover it.
I can't take it anymore. I know I need to see in his truck because that's where he keeps everything now. When I come upstairs he logs off his computer and I tell him you can continue doing what you were doing. He says, Well you are here and isn't it polite to stop?" I wonder, really? what are you hiding? His laptop stops working and he comes home wiht a tablet now. He takes that with him to work every day. I wonder what he has on it that he can't leave it at home. My mind is crazy with doubts. One day he is in bathroom and I see him putting a wad of money in his pants. It sends me through the roof. Where is our money, what is he doing, who is this woman, there is there a Western Union number on his phone bill. Who is he sending money to?
I can't take it anymore. I wake him up in the morning and ask him. Why he has all this money in his pocket? He's pissed. He says' "it's his money for the week." I can't get over it. I don't know what to do. I get up, I can't sleep. I have to go to work for 4 hours that morning. I come home and I can't take it anymore becase I wonder if he is calling her while I'm working. What is he doing while I'm away. I ask him for the key to his truck so I can go looking for a key. He's there watching me. I just can't take it and start pulling stuff out of his glove compartment. Finding receipts for western union. He's saying "I have nothing to hide." I pull out the phone log and say. "What are you doing? Who is this woman, why are you sending money to people? You are having an emotional affair." He is livid. He says "You crossed the line with the money." He says "All I do is work to pay your bills." I say "they are our bills", he says "no they are YOUR bills" (he is talking about my student loans.) He says, "How do you think it makes me feel when you say you are not sure if we can make it this month?" I say, "Well, I don't. I never know how much you are putting in there because you don't tell me and I always have to check."
I ask about the Western Union receipt. He says. "It's my cousin in El Salvador the one I stayed with. She asked me for a 300 loan. And I gave it to her." I told him, "I'm not saying that you shouldn't have. I'm saying that you didn't even tell me. I've never had a problem with you and your family that you give them money. I just need to know for the bills."
(Sorry this is all coming out at once and probably not in the correct order...
I ask him who this woman is, all these calls. Who is he having an affair with. He says we are just friends. He says," I have a whole private life you know nothing about. I dont' tell you because I know how you are. We are just friends." I say, "Friends? For hours every other day since June? This is not a friendship this is an emotional affair." I ask him, you didnt go out with the guys that night did you? She was there wasn't she?" He says, "Yes, she was there and I saw her in El Salvador too." ( He went to El salavador in December over christmas - another long and horrid story). I ask him, "So, what are you ..." and I was about to say in love with her, but he interrupted and he said "dating her? No, you don't see me driving to Mass do you?" He says' "We are just friends. I like talking to her. I come home to you every night". I ask him, "what about all these pictures , 100 of pictures." He says, "Yeah, so what they are just pictures." I say, "why is your phone locked?" He said, "I told you, my phone kept calling people and they were getting mad." I said, "If you are just friendss why did you keep it a secret?" He said, "I know how you are. I knew you wouldn't understand." He then proceeds to lay everything out all the things that I've done to hurt him. For example, he tells me that I don't like going to his family house. He tells me "How do you think it makes me feel that my family asks me if I'm single? Because you are never there? How do you think it makes me feel that I have to lie to them because you don't want to go?" (by this time I'm no longer talking). (It's important to note that there is a family event (his) literally every other weekend and sometimes I'm just plain tired. But mostly it's because I am sick that I can't go. One time, two years ago I was having a miscarraige and didn't go. He left to go to a birthday party and left me on couch. Also note, that I haven't been able to walk for the last month or so). Yes, sometimes i don't want to go, because I freaking want to spend some time with him having fun and not just with his family. I have no family of my own. So, let's just say that this "confrontation" didn't go my way. Oh, and of course there was another family event to go to that evening. I went of course. Also in the next week his Aunt (father's brother wife was dying in hospital, we went every other day to hospital after work.)
So, a couple of days go by and I finally sit him down to talk about our conversation and I ask him to do a couple of things for me. First, let me know how much money you plan on putting in the joint account so I can do the bills. Second, give me a buzz and let me know when you are coming home or heading out for an inproptu second job. Three, get a phone cover for your phone so you can take the lock of your phone. (when I asked him about the phone lock he said, well I need a new phone anyway.)
That week, he spends 200 and buys a new grill for his parents. Doesn't tell me and I bounce more checks. I tell him I bounched checks because I didn't know he wasn't going to put that money in. and he says nothing I start crying and have to go to work. He says he can't talk to me because I just start to cry. Tha week his Aunt dies. We go to funeral. I'm still limping around.
I text him , that I understand why he has saught out female companionship, that I have made him feel unloved, havn'et paid attention to him, that I have made a lot of changes and that we need to recommit to ourrelationship without any outside influences. (AKA stop talking to her). He doesn't reply. In fact, I've sent him loving texts throughout the week and he doesn't reply. such as "I am thinking of you". I miss you. ect.
He comes home and I ask him, you didn't reply to that message so I don't know how you stand with it and he says, Well, I'm standing right here." I let him get away with that non-comittal answer. Hoping he means that he has stopped talking to her.
Somehwere in there I had three days where my foot wasn't hurting and we went down to the city and had a lovely time. We attempted to make love, he told me "I did love you." Then, he says, "I still love you". and finally I love you. But it's all messed up and I wonder if this will be the last time we make love. Three days later I have a discharge, he has a tooth abcess, I'm noticing white stains in his underware. I go to clinic, have to answer uncomfortable questions. I talk to him about it. Tell him that I have bacterial vaginosis whichis just a change in my PH levels, but that the doctor was concerned about the color of the discharge and order some STD tests. She gave me the medication for the suspected STD. I told him I didn't take it because I knew that wasn't the case. But I also told him that she asked me if he any discharge. And so I asked him and he said. He didn't know. I said what do you mean you don't know. The doctor said it would be in your underwear. He said he didn't know. Then I said, well, you do have lots of white stains in your underwear. He said "Oh now you are looking at my underware?" I told him I wasn't going to take that anger because the doctor told me to look. and boy was I surprised to see all that semen stains." He got quiet. I suspected that he's been talking to her and getting excited on the phone because the phone calls are always while he is driving back from work or when I am not around. I asked him "Listen you think it was fun for me to spread my legs and answer a lot of questions like that?" I said, "I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that you don't touch me anymore. YOu dont' even hold me hand." He retorted, "I always hold your hand". I said, "No, I always grab your hand to hold it. You don't take my hand.". I said, "You know it's not that masterbation that bothers me. I just hope that you were thinking of me." He didn't say anything. I couldn't even look at him at this point. I continued, "You don't want to make love to me for the longest time." He said," How do you think it makes me feel when we have sex that I always give you an infection ever since we've known each other." It's true I get a change in ph level, but it's a simple fix with some flagel. But I wasn't sure if I buy that excuse. He said, "It is hard for me because you have been so sick. You don't understand I have lived with my mom who is always sick (she has diabetes) and now you are have been sick so often. I feel like now I have your pain." I dont' know what to do with that one. ONly that it seems like it is my fault that my body gets sick somehow.
One day last week. He said, "I don't know how you even want to hug me considering all the things that you have accused me of." I started crying, He said, "What now I can't tell you what I'm feeling?" I said, "of course you can. If you dont' know why I am crying then we really are totally disconnected becaues I always want to touch you, kiss you, feel your hand in mine. I crave it. I'm dying for your attention."
Several days later, I couldnt' take it at work and had to come home to confront him about this facebook mess. I asked him to add me as a friend and for him to change his status. He never added me as a friend and put his status as "ask me". Yesterdaymorning I watched as he got on facebook and talked to someone at 7 am. I guess he says good morning to her everyday before he does me.
But getting to the point now. I pulled the phone bill again. He is still talking to her has been since I asked him to stop. He changed the access code on the phone bill since it since it is in his name. He has not given me his phone access code, nor gotten a cover. I'm crying all the time, I had to go to the doctor's to get some Zanax because I've literally lost it. I took two day off of work to go to the beach with him on the Memorial Day weekend because he says we never get to go anywhere on the holidays ebcause I work.
Oh and the other day when I came home from work in so much pain, this was before I started taking the drugs. I asked him to rub my lower back which he did, but I could tell it was just a stiff attempt and it was so hurtful to me. I asked him, why he couldn't just be affectionate to me, that it's so simple to reconnect with me, just hold my hand, tell me you love me, kiss me, talk with me. I said, I am here. I am here doing what I am suppossed to. Taking care of myself, (i've now lost 30 lbs in total), looking for a job, being with you when you get home. And he just sat there. I looked at him. He said, "Why do you keep pressing me? Can't we just deal with this frist then us? I said you are right." But I knew that this was avoidance. I looked at him after a bit and said, "I see you are not committed then." He looked at me and started to say something and I said, what? He said, "never mind you are in such pain." I pressed what? He said, you know it's a lot to handle. I just don't know any more. I can't talk to you, you just reinterpt what I say. I give up." I then spent thrity minutes, apologizing about all the things that I've done wrong. why we shouldn't give up." I dont'knwo if it has made a difference.
Last night I asked him to take a walk around the lake and he asked me if I was going to be limping like this for the rest of my life. (Jesus!) I said, I didn't know but that I needed to save up some money so that I could go back to the doctors (beause now I don't want to ask him for any money). And also to buy soem new shoes. He asked me what I was going to do with my day off. He had to work on Sunday today. And I told him that I was going to put in an order at work and then do another job search. He said, It's your day off. I said yes, but I need to find a job. He said, well that just depresses you. I said, yeah well that's life, isn't it. He suggested a couple of things for me to do. And I am just listening because i have no idea where this conversation is going. And he finally came out with - "I don't want to fill that you are waiting for me to do something." Nice, he doesn't want to feel guilty. ( tried not to react, because all I wanted from him was a PHONE CALL letting me know when he might be home!)
and so I am here today writting this all down because I am having a hard time functioning. I didnt' do my job search because I am a mess. I friend asked me to the pool, but I'm not sure I want to go because she knows everything and knows that I am in denial and can not face the fact that my husband has been having a relationship with someone in secret, instead of coming clean and being honest - has continued to hide the relationship, and cant stand the suffering that I am goign through. and beause I am in financial straights can not support myself if I leave - and all the bills are in my name anyway - i wil be bankrupt, with a crappy 10 an hour job and nothing.