My marriage has been in trouble for some time, but I thought I could just do something that would make him feel happy to see me. Maybe if I just had dinner ready for him. Maybe.. I don't know what I was thinking but I had my head buried in the sand. He has become so distant. I knew that things were getting bad when out of the blue in June he said " you know it's not fair that I can't do anything when you always are working on the weekends" (My job requires weekend work.) Not that I've ever said anything like he couldn't do anything without me. Needless to say, several weeks passed and he wanted to go to the beach with the "guys" from work. First off, there are no "guys" from work as he is a construction superintendient and everyone works under him. But sometimes there are contractors that he likes. But I let this pass and said sure go have fun at the beach. Was I hurt? Of course, because we never spend anytime together and it would have been nice if he asked me ahead of time to take a one of those days off to go to the beach - our favorite activity that we used to do when i was in school. So, I said just send me some pictures of the fun. he left early at 5 am so I know he got to the beach around 8 am. I received one photo of him at the beach around 230pm. I texted him several times - hey looks great! Let's see the gang. Got nothing in response. He didn't come back till 930 that evening nor even left me know when he was coming back. When he came hoem I asked him how it was and also, boy you came back late. He said the guys were drinking. I asked him oh, I texted you for more photos. He said, he didn't have any reception on phone. I asked him how it was, what he did ect. you know making conversation. Hey you went to beach tell me all about it. Got "oh, it was good." I let it pass, because I thought gee I must be insecure and I don't want to be that kind of wife.
As time went on he is becoming more distant and when he comes home at night from working side jobs it just "hey or hi". He seems angry at me all the time, picking fights for little things. Not sitting with me on couch. Our sex life becoming non-existent - I always have to initiate. I ask him how his day was "ok", it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. He critizes me and then I just go down stairs to play on computer because I don't want to be around him. He starts having a drink at night at home every night. It's like he can't stand to me around me anymore. He often works a second job to help make ends met and I never know when he is coming home, so I never know when to make dinner so that it is ready. End up waiting and waiting and by the time he comes home I'm pissed that he can't even give me a freaking call to let me know. So, I go downstairs and play games on the computer, I dont' even know when he gets in because he never comes down to say he is home. He won't come down because I smoke and the basement is the only place I can smoke in the house. Or that's why he says he doesn't.
Anyway, it's now the end of March and he say's he wants to go out with the guys. I'm actually off because I hurt myself at work and am barely walking. Literally (foudn out that instead of a badly sprained ankle in Feburaruy I have bulding disc in my back). So, I have been off work since Feb 18th. Needless to say he's been a jerk this whole time - I'm hobbling around and he doesn't even offer to get me a cup of coffee, or an ice pack. I always have to ask. Anyway, so it's another outting with the guys at a club about 45 minutes away. I just knew something wasn't right. It gets to be 4 am and he's not home, no call nothing. So, I call him at 4 am. He says, I'm in the truck now. There is no background noise. He arrives home with the stereo blaring at 5 am. He is sitting in the chair, I turn on the light to see if he is alright and he says to me "Why did you turn on the light?". I say to see if you are ok. I leave him there and go to bed. The next morning at breakfast on deck, that Imake mind you. I ask him calmly. So, what happended last night? He says "nothing. just night out". No apology for coming home so late, nothing. My bullshit detecter has reached it's limit now. I pull the cell phone records and see thousands of texts each month (but it does not indicate to whom), hundreds of photos each month (note he has sent me two photos in the last 6 months), hours of phone calls to one number in Mass. We don't know anyone in Mass. I pull the records for as far as they have - till June. And guess what I find.. yes, calls since then. Not 5 min, 10 min calls, but two hours, 90 minutes, 30 minutes every other day. What the heck? What has he done I think. Who is this person? No wonder he is not talking to me - he's all talked out from this person.
I go on facebook and see that he has two profiles. I knew he had one from his high school friends and never felt the need to look. But now, things are definately not right. The first page was the one I knew about and you know I never looked on it. The second one has lots of women friends, some relatives but lots of women I don't know. I click on the "about" tab of my husband and see no relationship status, (we were married in 2001 and have been living together since 1996) but "Interested in Women." is listed. One of the women listed as his friend lives - where Mass. And do you know, his first page doesn't have a relationship status listed either and also says "interested in women" in the "about" section. Now, I am not a big facebook person because it always messes up my computer. So I really don't know a lot about it, but just last week realized that the "interested in women/men ect" does not become an option to select if you select married. Now, I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot.
Ok, so now I've been living with this phone log for weeks,this facebook stuff and I need to have a talk. I start off our talk with not this, but talk about our relationship. I ask him why he is so distant, what has become of us, does he still love me, how can we fix this. So, he starts telling me how I never talk to him anymore. That he counted how many words we said to each other in one night "7" he said. He said it's like I've given up because I am no longer looking for a better job. (Note, I graduated with a PHD in 2009 and haven't been able to find a position. Right now I am workign at a grocery store to help pay the bills. We've had to take on a roommate to make ends met. ) I said, yes, I can't find a job. I feel like a failure. I've been depressed. I have a two inch stack of rejection lettters and applications that I've filled out." He says, "How do you think it makes me feel when I ask you what you did in the basement and you tell me you were playing a game?" He tells me " you don't take care of yourself anymore. You don't work out. You dont' come to bed with me anymore, you stay up late on the computer. I spend all my time alone now." I tell him, "You don't want to even kiss me anymore. When I kiss you - you literally pull away. Do you love me?" He says, "Yes I love you. Why do you tihnk I am here." I tell him I will work on myself. He says' I can't stand the smoke. It comes up through the vents at night and wakes me up."
So, I start the job search again. I have to wake up at 6 am to do it because now, because I can't give up the smoking yet. So, that's the only time I smoke in the house. I only smoke out on the deck now, unless I'm doing the job search, writting applications and I've tried to cut down smoking but I'm under a lot of stress now. I've now lost about 20 pounds in the three weeks because I can't eat, I'm barely sleeping because of the pain and my emotional angst. I went back to work eventhough each step is painful because we need the money to pay the bills. I'm so unhappy. I try again to talk to see if he will tell me what is going on with this woman.
I ask him. I don't understand why you are so angry with me all the time. I'm doing everything that you asked of me. You asked me to change my life and I'm doing it. He says you have forgotten about me. I say, What? All I do it think of you! I wait for you to come home, I never know when you are coming home from work, where you are going because you can't even give me a phone call to let me know. I never know if you want dinner, I wait to make it." He says's you dont' have to amek dinner fo rme. I tell him. I want to have dinner with you!" Eveerything is still all my fault now. I know now that I am going to have to confront him and by now I am looking at everything. I try to look at his phone, but he keeps it on him all the time and at night he turns it off and it is password protected now. I never know how much money he is putting in our joint checking account each week so I can make the bills. I wonder where all our money goes. He does side jobs but I never see the money. I bounched all kind of checks because he didn't tell me that he wasn't putting a significant amount of money in the account and it took money out of his check card account to cover it.
I can't take it anymore. I know I need to see in his truck because that's where he keeps everything now. When I come upstairs he logs off his computer and I tell him you can continue doing what you were doing. He says, Well you are here and isn't it polite to stop?" I wonder, really? what are you hiding? His laptop stops working and he comes home wiht a tablet now. He takes that with him to work every day. I wonder what he has on it that he can't leave it at home. My mind is crazy with doubts. One day he is in bathroom and I see him putting a wad of money in his pants. It sends me through the roof. Where is our money, what is he doing, who is this woman, there is there a Western Union number on his phone bill. Who is he sending money to?
I can't take it anymore. I wake him up in the morning and ask him. Why he has all this money in his pocket? He's pissed. He says' "it's his money for the week." I can't get over it. I don't know what to do. I get up, I can't sleep. I have to go to work for 4 hours that morning. I come home and I can't take it anymore becase I wonder if he is calling her while I'm working. What is he doing while I'm away. I ask him for the key to his truck so I can go looking for a key. He's there watching me. I just can't take it and start pulling stuff out of his glove compartment. Finding receipts for western union. He's saying "I have nothing to hide." I pull out the phone log and say. "What are you doing? Who is this woman, why are you sending money to people? You are having an emotional affair." He is livid. He says "You crossed the line with the money." He says "All I do is work to pay your bills." I say "they are our bills", he says "no they are YOUR bills" (he is talking about my student loans.) He says, "How do you think it makes me feel when you say you are not sure if we can make it this month?" I say, "Well, I don't. I never know how much you are putting in there because you don't tell me and I always have to check."
I ask about the Western Union receipt. He says. "It's my cousin in El Salvador the one I stayed with. She asked me for a 300 loan. And I gave it to her." I told him, "I'm not saying that you shouldn't have. I'm saying that you didn't even tell me. I've never had a problem with you and your family that you give them money. I just need to know for the bills."
(Sorry this is all coming out at once and probably not in the correct order...
I ask him who this woman is, all these calls. Who is he having an affair with. He says we are just friends. He says," I have a whole private life you know nothing about. I dont' tell you because I know how you are. We are just friends." I say, "Friends? For hours every other day since June? This is not a friendship this is an emotional affair." I ask him, you didnt go out with the guys that night did you? She was there wasn't she?" He says, "Yes, she was there and I saw her in El Salvador too." ( He went to El salavador in December over christmas - another long and horrid story). I ask him, "So, what are you ..." and I was about to say in love with her, but he interrupted and he said "dating her? No, you don't see me driving to Mass do you?" He says' "We are just friends. I like talking to her. I come home to you every night". I ask him, "what about all these pictures , 100 of pictures." He says, "Yeah, so what they are just pictures." I say, "why is your phone locked?" He said, "I told you, my phone kept calling people and they were getting mad." I said, "If you are just friendss why did you keep it a secret?" He said, "I know how you are. I knew you wouldn't understand." He then proceeds to lay everything out all the things that I've done to hurt him. For example, he tells me that I don't like going to his family house. He tells me "How do you think it makes me feel that my family asks me if I'm single? Because you are never there? How do you think it makes me feel that I have to lie to them because you don't want to go?" (by this time I'm no longer talking). (It's important to note that there is a family event (his) literally every other weekend and sometimes I'm just plain tired. But mostly it's because I am sick that I can't go. One time, two years ago I was having a miscarraige and didn't go. He left to go to a birthday party and left me on couch. Also note, that I haven't been able to walk for the last month or so). Yes, sometimes i don't want to go, because I freaking want to spend some time with him having fun and not just with his family. I have no family of my own. So, let's just say that this "confrontation" didn't go my way. Oh, and of course there was another family event to go to that evening. I went of course. Also in the next week his Aunt (father's brother wife was dying in hospital, we went every other day to hospital after work.)
So, a couple of days go by and I finally sit him down to talk about our conversation and I ask him to do a couple of things for me. First, let me know how much money you plan on putting in the joint account so I can do the bills. Second, give me a buzz and let me know when you are coming home or heading out for an inproptu second job. Three, get a phone cover for your phone so you can take the lock of your phone. (when I asked him about the phone lock he said, well I need a new phone anyway.)
That week, he spends 200 and buys a new grill for his parents. Doesn't tell me and I bounce more checks. I tell him I bounched checks because I didn't know he wasn't going to put that money in. and he says nothing I start crying and have to go to work. He says he can't talk to me because I just start to cry. Tha week his Aunt dies. We go to funeral. I'm still limping around.
I text him , that I understand why he has saught out female companionship, that I have made him feel unloved, havn'et paid attention to him, that I have made a lot of changes and that we need to recommit to ourrelationship without any outside influences. (AKA stop talking to her). He doesn't reply. In fact, I've sent him loving texts throughout the week and he doesn't reply. such as "I am thinking of you". I miss you. ect.
He comes home and I ask him, you didn't reply to that message so I don't know how you stand with it and he says, Well, I'm standing right here." I let him get away with that non-comittal answer. Hoping he means that he has stopped talking to her.
Somehwere in there I had three days where my foot wasn't hurting and we went down to the city and had a lovely time. We attempted to make love, he told me "I did love you." Then, he says, "I still love you". and finally I love you. But it's all messed up and I wonder if this will be the last time we make love. Three days later I have a discharge, he has a tooth abcess, I'm noticing white stains in his underware. I go to clinic, have to answer uncomfortable questions. I talk to him about it. Tell him that I have bacterial vaginosis whichis just a change in my PH levels, but that the doctor was concerned about the color of the discharge and order some STD tests. She gave me the medication for the suspected STD. I told him I didn't take it because I knew that wasn't the case. But I also told him that she asked me if he any discharge. And so I asked him and he said. He didn't know. I said what do you mean you don't know. The doctor said it would be in your underwear. He said he didn't know. Then I said, well, you do have lots of white stains in your underwear. He said "Oh now you are looking at my underware?" I told him I wasn't going to take that anger because the doctor told me to look. and boy was I surprised to see all that semen stains." He got quiet. I suspected that he's been talking to her and getting excited on the phone because the phone calls are always while he is driving back from work or when I am not around. I asked him "Listen you think it was fun for me to spread my legs and answer a lot of questions like that?" I said, "I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that you don't touch me anymore. YOu dont' even hold me hand." He retorted, "I always hold your hand". I said, "No, I always grab your hand to hold it. You don't take my hand.". I said, "You know it's not that masterbation that bothers me. I just hope that you were thinking of me." He didn't say anything. I couldn't even look at him at this point. I continued, "You don't want to make love to me for the longest time." He said," How do you think it makes me feel when we have sex that I always give you an infection ever since we've known each other." It's true I get a change in ph level, but it's a simple fix with some flagel. But I wasn't sure if I buy that excuse. He said, "It is hard for me because you have been so sick. You don't understand I have lived with my mom who is always sick (she has diabetes) and now you are have been sick so often. I feel like now I have your pain." I dont' know what to do with that one. ONly that it seems like it is my fault that my body gets sick somehow.
One day last week. He said, "I don't know how you even want to hug me considering all the things that you have accused me of." I started crying, He said, "What now I can't tell you what I'm feeling?" I said, "of course you can. If you dont' know why I am crying then we really are totally disconnected becaues I always want to touch you, kiss you, feel your hand in mine. I crave it. I'm dying for your attention."
Several days later, I couldnt' take it at work and had to come home to confront him about this facebook mess. I asked him to add me as a friend and for him to change his status. He never added me as a friend and put his status as "ask me". Yesterdaymorning I watched as he got on facebook and talked to someone at 7 am. I guess he says good morning to her everyday before he does me.
But getting to the point now. I pulled the phone bill again. He is still talking to her has been since I asked him to stop. He changed the access code on the phone bill since it since it is in his name. He has not given me his phone access code, nor gotten a cover. I'm crying all the time, I had to go to the doctor's to get some Zanax because I've literally lost it. I took two day off of work to go to the beach with him on the Memorial Day weekend because he says we never get to go anywhere on the holidays ebcause I work.
Oh and the other day when I came home from work in so much pain, this was before I started taking the drugs. I asked him to rub my lower back which he did, but I could tell it was just a stiff attempt and it was so hurtful to me. I asked him, why he couldn't just be affectionate to me, that it's so simple to reconnect with me, just hold my hand, tell me you love me, kiss me, talk with me. I said, I am here. I am here doing what I am suppossed to. Taking care of myself, (i've now lost 30 lbs in total), looking for a job, being with you when you get home. And he just sat there. I looked at him. He said, "Why do you keep pressing me? Can't we just deal with this frist then us? I said you are right." But I knew that this was avoidance. I looked at him after a bit and said, "I see you are not committed then." He looked at me and started to say something and I said, what? He said, "never mind you are in such pain." I pressed what? He said, you know it's a lot to handle. I just don't know any more. I can't talk to you, you just reinterpt what I say. I give up." I then spent thrity minutes, apologizing about all the things that I've done wrong. why we shouldn't give up." I dont'knwo if it has made a difference.
Last night I asked him to take a walk around the lake and he asked me if I was going to be limping like this for the rest of my life. (Jesus!) I said, I didn't know but that I needed to save up some money so that I could go back to the doctors (beause now I don't want to ask him for any money). And also to buy soem new shoes. He asked me what I was going to do with my day off. He had to work on Sunday today. And I told him that I was going to put in an order at work and then do another job search. He said, It's your day off. I said yes, but I need to find a job. He said, well that just depresses you. I said, yeah well that's life, isn't it. He suggested a couple of things for me to do. And I am just listening because i have no idea where this conversation is going. And he finally came out with - "I don't want to fill that you are waiting for me to do something." Nice, he doesn't want to feel guilty. ( tried not to react, because all I wanted from him was a PHONE CALL letting me know when he might be home!)
and so I am here today writting this all down because I am having a hard time functioning. I didnt' do my job search because I am a mess. I friend asked me to the pool, but I'm not sure I want to go because she knows everything and knows that I am in denial and can not face the fact that my husband has been having a relationship with someone in secret, instead of coming clean and being honest - has continued to hide the relationship, and cant stand the suffering that I am goign through. and beause I am in financial straights can not support myself if I leave - and all the bills are in my name anyway - i wil be bankrupt, with a crappy 10 an hour job and nothing.
Iím so sorry I donít have time to answer properly but I wanted to respond. Sometimes weekends are slow around here.
Discovering your husband is cheating is devastating. Take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and drink water when you can.
Please know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your husband didnít cheat because of anything you did or did not do. ITíS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Get tested for STDs to protect yourself if you havenít already. There's a good chance this is more than an emotional affair.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever you are feeling is normal. This is HARD!!
Edited to add that you might want to do some reading in The Healing Library. There's lots of good information there.
[This message edited by sudra at 12:53 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
I just don't know anything anymore I am so confused.
but then I say, why would it need to be secret?
In his gut, your H knows what he is doing is wrong or he wouldn't feel the need to hide it at all.
He is blameshifting and gaslighting you! None of this is your fault. He is responsible for his own actions. And sorry to say, his actions, to me, read that this is more than an EA.
My H used the "going out with people from work" thing - I was actually happy he was socializing because he doesn't have any outside interests. Now, of course, I know *people* was code for MCOW. He, too, used the *we are just friends* - *she understands me* - *we talk* - *she just wants me to be happy*
Be prepared for more lies and trickle truth (TT). My H went from just friends, to good friends, to we did it once in the back of the car, to finding out after 9 mos that it was a full blown EA&PA with hotel stays, etc.
Your WH needs to first get honest with himself before he can be honest with you. Read up on the 180. Be cordial, but stop trying to *nice* him back into loving you. It's useless and will only be crazy making for you. Let him feel what it will be like to lose you. Do not be his doormat.
[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 2:14 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
In addition, to all that is going on - I've also been trying to get a new CPAP mask. For those who don't know what this is - it is a mask you wear at night because of sleep apena. Sleep apena is when you stop breathing in your sleep. I've had this for over ten years. So, in addition to not being able to sleep because of this angst, my back pain I am unable to sleep because my mask is so old that it no longer provides the air to keep my airway open. Which of course, he has complained about because it blows air on him at night. I told him I can not control which way my head turns at night and to just throw a sheet over my head because I am getting air through the mask. Yeah, so now I've trained myself to sleep on my right side so I don't bother him - which of course is the same side that hurts me. At least the other day at breakfast he noticed that I was rubbing my neck and asked me if my neck hurt. I said yes. I've had neck issues for years; it's my personal problem I said. He got quiet. Later that night he got up and went to the spare bedroom early in the morning. Also our airconditioning has gone out and I need the fan on which he says bothers him as well. But I don't remember the reason he went in there and I went in looking for him. And he said, "what kind of husband am I that you have to sleep on one side and you get neck pains." I didn't answer him, because of course I didn't need to.
The previous day I think, I can't keep it all straight so much has been happening. I was up early on a Sunday or Sartuday - when he doesn't work and I like for us to have breakfast together at the local resteraunt as a nice start to the day before I have to go in at 930am. So I remember it must have been one of those nights where our conversation was about being "disconnected with each other". I remember being in teh bathroom that morning, brushing my teeth and thinking with such clarity - "it shouldn't be hard for someone who is in love with you or loves you to reconnect when the other party is making a good faith effort - should it?" And I thought to myself, if he wants to reconnect with me what would he need to do and thought " Well God he only has to hold my hand, be kind, say nice things and smile at me. That's all I really need" I thought to myself as I truly am a simple girl that way. So, I came out of the bathroom, laid across the bed, took his hand and put it to my cheek and said to him " Babe, if you want to reconnect with me, it's really easy. ALl you have to do is hold my hand, be kind to me, say nice things and smile." He opened his eyes and said, "Good Morning (insert name here). How are you?" I jerked myself off the bed. I could have been slapped at that moment - it is what it felt like. I started to cry, I finished getting dressed. And said to him. "Was that really neccessary?" He said, "I just woke up" or something of that sort. I told him, "First you have been awake since I have but haven't been out of bed. So don't tell me that is why." Then he said, "See that's just it. You tell me something and then when I tell you something you don't want to hear, you get upset." I started to walk out of the room and turned to him and said,, "No, that's not it. What I SAID to you was not what you wanted to hear and you said that to let me know that's not what you wanted to hear. So maybe I was wrong to start the day with this emotional stuff, but really?" Then he finally said "ok what do you want me to say.. I'm sorry" and put his hands up like he surrenders. Like I am so demanding and he is the one who is saying sorry because he's been brow beaten to death. Geeze, you think I started the conversation with something mean. perhaps I have an impulse control problem as indicated by waking him up with the money issue. I dont' know, but I didn't think I would have gotten that kind of reaction in a million years. Since I'm so twisted around I think that maybe I shouldn't have even said that when I did.
I really hate to see any woman bending and folding herself into a pretzel just to try to please a pure jackass who doesn't deserve any of it.
He's basically rewriting history in real time. Every day, he's scratching the bottom of the barrel to come up with ridiculous reasons as to why he's so unhappy in this marriage. You notice how it's all stuff YOU'RE guilty of doing, and not him? I'm just waiting for the day he tells you another reason he's so unhappy is because you buy the creamy peanut butter instead of the crunchy.
You've become the Anti-Christ in your own home. The man verbally and emotionally abuses you over and over and over and unfortunately, it's become your new normal. Instead of seeing his bullshit for what it really is, you're instead jumping around like a trained seal, hoping to do better and please him to gain his approval.
Don't you know that he'll ALWAYS have at least 10-30 reasons why you're just not good enough for him? It's because that's how he justifies his affair in his own mind. If you just weren't so damned unproductive and unambitious and all those other 248 ridiculous things he's claimed you are, then he wouldn't have to cheat on you, don't you see?
Seriously, stop knocking yourself out trying to live up to this guy's ridiculous expectations, because you'll never meet them (nor should you have to). Even he doesn't want you to fulfill them - they're just jackass excuses to keep you at arm's length and continue his affair.
Many years ago, I had the choice of remaining with a verbally and emotionally abusive son of a bitch (like your husband) or living on my own at poverty level.
Guess which one I chose?
Here's a hint - a Hamburger Helper dinner, eaten gloriously alone in your new shiny clean apartment while sitting and watching TV, is a joy like no other. And that's the honest truth.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:17 PM, June 9th (Monday)]
My question now is--he is not meeting any of your needs. He is making you unhappy. What is holding you there?
I know how hard change is. I know how much you want him to love you and be kind to you again. But when he shows that he can't do that, at what point do you stand up and make the move to get a healthier life for yourself?
This man is abusing you. He is cheating on you openly, wont admit it, and is making you jump thru hoops trying to do whats right to win back his love, with his love is with someone else.
There is NOTHING you can do to "win" or "nice" or "love" him back to you.
I would consult with a lawyer and find out what rights you have.
I am so sorry he is doing this to you.
The next text i receive is at 612 pm.
H: (insert name here)need foodd for the dog he is out.
Me. Thank you.
I come home. His not there- no note. Great. I feed dog and walk him. Receive text.
H:What would you like for dinner babe.
Me: Hmm salad would be nice. Thanks so much.
Hot and cold man tonight. I didn't engage him very much in any conversation. He brought dinner home from Chickfilet. I said "Thanks for the salad". He looked at me strangly.
side comment here: (Several days ago, he told me "You don't have to thank me for everything you know." I said, "Yeah I know, I'm just being polite." But if I really look at my behavior I know that I'm being overly polite because I am soooo fuming - I tend to get VERY polite when I am pissed. I don't know why probably my messed up childhood. And maybe I am just trying to model good behavior. WHo knows, I am not going to over analyze that right now. )
Me: How was the commute today? ( he was working in another state today and it's a long commute - but he also takes that time to call his "friend" I've noticed, but have no idea if he talked to her today. He's usually always complaining about the traffic). He says "OK. How was yours?" Very strange question since my commute is about 8 blocks! I said, "uh, fine".
I took my dinner into the living room and poped in a movie. I really didn't want to deal with him tonight. He asked me (Since I like coffee in the evening). Would you like some coffee? I said "sure that would be great." He actually made coffee and and brought it to me.
(side comment - he has been making me coffee in the evening for the last week - also I did not set the coffee last night for him which I usually do so he had no coffee when he left at 5 am)
I said. "Wow thanks!" He left and apparently went out on the deck to eat his dinner. I did not follow him like I had been doing before to spend time with him, to eat dinner together like I like to. I watched my movie and saw him put his tools in his truck. (Had wild thought oh my god he is leaving! Struck that from my mind and said he is putting stuff in for his job tommorrrow.)
Then dog had to go out again. I let him out and husband was on the deck chair. So, it had been about two hours since I had talked to him and I asked what kind of job he was going to have tommorrow. He started to tell me but then the dog ran around to the front of the house and I said hold that thought! (Another thing going on is that my dog is now having all kinds of problems with his back end. He is 14 now and he no longer goes up the steps because he falls - which cost me 400 two weeks ago because he cut his leg.. there went the electric bill - I just finally paid the two month bill yesterday).
So, I went back to the deck with my cup of coffee and my cigerettes. Before I have been avoiding smoking around him. And last weekend went to sit on the front stoop so it woulnd't bother him. on that day he came around and said (insert name here) what are you doing? I said smoking here because I know it bothers you. He said, well the deck is large, you know.
( the thing is , I'm so freaking mad at him I really don't want to be around him and I just want to sit and have a smoke, and I don't want to have to worry or feel obligated that I'm disturbing him if the smoke blows in his direction). But this time, I just grabbed my smokes and was going to sit, emjoy my coffee have a smoke and see what was up.
So, I asked him again about the new job site and what he was going to do. And he said, "break some furniture." I said, "What? that doesn't sound right". He said, Yeah, and build soem walls. I said "Ok." Another lull in the conversation. So, I asked "Did co-worker come to the job? (last night over dinner he told me that his coworkers daughter had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized). He said, "No." Another lull in the conversation. I say "hmm so you were just with (insert name) today?" He looked at me strangely. Then I knew I said the wrong name - "Oh yeah, ... so and so.. I always get them mixed up." He said "it's ok, (insert my name)."
Another lull in conversation. He asks "How was your day?" I tell him. " An easy day, lot's of cleaning, no flower delievery today. But lots of big wigs in the store, getting ready for that big event I told you about."
He says, "Ah".
I continue "Yeah, I even had to crawl into a cabinet literally because i couldn't get to the back of it to raise it up. I couldn't see what I was doing. It was frustrating. I think I scratched myself."
Another lull in the conversation. I look at the trees and listen to the sound of the birds. "The birds sound nice today." (no comment)
I noticed he was looking at me a lot -- I guess he was wondering what was on my mind. I didn't ask him what he was thinking about as I usually do when he is quiet like this. I figured you want to talk, then talk, if you don't want to talk about what's going on in your head so be it. I wondered if I was ready to confront him about not getting a cover and taking off the lock on his phone. But decided I'm not ready yet., Need to get a good couple of days of even-keel emnotions for that one, I think. Anyway he's not talking and well, I said, " I need to do my exercises tonight." And when there was no response. I decided to leave and finish watching my movie. Which I did. He came in a little later with the new Costco coupon book. The movie was over, I said. Watch whatever you want I'm going to do my exercieses. And then proceeded to do my stretches and crushes on the floor as per my physyical therapy.
He asked me if I wanted any help and I said that would be lovely. He looked very sad while he was holding my leg. I asked him "How are you doing?" He said, "What?", I said "How are you doing?" He said "What do you mean?" I was dumbfounded... "Uh, just that.. no hidden meaning, how are you doing?" He didn't reply. I said, "What are you feeling?" (That always shuts him down) He never replied.
We finished the stretches. He went back to the couch and flipped the t.v channels settling on music and I continued the stretches I could do on my own. He layed down on couch and proceeded to nod off. 4:30 am comes early.
I finished and then got ready to do some journaling and my to do list for tommorrow had to go out to car to get my notebook. He woke up when I oopened teh front door. I said I needed to get my notebook.
It wasn't the right one, I thought I left it down stairs by computer but it's not here, so maybe I left it at work, or maybe he has it and has been reading it - I hope so! Then he will know just how horrid this has been for me. But most likely I left it at work.
Anyway, the roommate came out and proceed to talk drivel about work. (we work at the same place). When I came back in he had already dgone to bed. I hate that he just can't take a momemnt to walk to the porch and say, hey I'm heading to bed. It's so rude to me. But that's just par for the course. Anyway, since he went to bed I decided to come down, have a couple of smokes and write some more and read your comments.
In regards to some comments - Actually he has said something about my compulsions now to do everything he has said that I need to fix. He said, (insert name) are you ok? Because it seems to me that you think you have something to prove to me and you don't have to prove anything to me." (in my head, I say well, yeah you pretty much told me all this shit that was making you unhappy so - yeah I feel that I do.)
In another conversation, I said, I've made all these changes so that we don't have to live the life that we have been living, that has made us so unhappy. He said, " I dont' want you to make these changes for me, but for you. I want you to be able to stand on your own, for you to be happier". I said I am doing them for both of us, for you and for me. I said does it matter how I get there?" I said, "does the intention matter as much as the outcome?" (great I thought we are going to have a philosophical discusssion that has been raging for four decades?!!) I said, if you do something and something good comes out of it, does it matter if it was the intention to do good or does the intention to do something good always have to be there as well?" He said. "Both."
(My rant inside my head follows... well then, it shouldn't matter I thought then because I feel prettier now, I"ve lost weight and I am waking up from my miserable life.)
Today's rant: It's not my fault that you are feeling guilty because you said all this sh#t and I actually took you seriously. That I Took a good look at mysef and my role in letting our relationship get to this point. I'm not accepting responsiblity for you have this so-called "friend", but I will owe up to my part in not calling you out on your crap and letting it all slide.
One other day, he said, "you know I must be a horrible husband if you believe that I am having an affair." When he says this stuff then I start to think that maybe I really am just over reacting and that she really is just a friend. But then I can't get passed all these calls, this so-called "[private life" and don't you have a private life? I said no I don't. I am sure you have friends I don't know. And I said, No actually you know all my friends. I remember saying if they are really just friends then why don't you invite them over for dinner then? He laughed.
Also, I don't know if I have even written about my discussion with husband after the doctors when I got my xanac and other pills for my foot pain and the antibniotics for a urinary infection. yeah. have that one too. Anyway, told him the pills were to help me sleep - but I probably shouldhave told him it was to stop me from crying al the time. I told him that I told the doctors that I was having marital problems . He said did youtell him that you have a husband that is giving you all this anxiety? I told him that the doctor recommended that we at least try couples counseling for one session and that it seemed a shame to throw away all these years of love. He laughed and walked away to use restroom. He hasn't said anything about it since.
But on the other hand he texts me several weeks ago: The thurdsday - that's the day adfter I went to the clinic and saw all the semen stains in his underware. I text him:
I know that you are notfeeling the best right now(referring to his broken wisdom tooth. and I want you to know that I love you deeply and you do , dosome right for me. We cant change if er don't know the problems, ok. We are working through them ok? and I love you.
He wsawy. It iok I knowe that if you make a list of all the bad things and the good that Ive done to you. I bet I would have more bad than the good. and that means that i'm a horrible perspon and you don't serve all the pain that I have caused you and I really sorry."
Now it's the other day and I see him texting through facebook although I dont know to who and I text him WHy? and he says "why what (name).
I say. I love you and hope you do the same. I hope it will be easier for us soon. (no response
45 min later I text. This would be a good time to acknoelde that this is your sdesire as well.
20 minutes later I write. I am sorry I shouldnt be texting you this kind of stuff while you are at work.
six minutes later he texts.
It' sok I guess you have got somethin on your mine. and it is ok I'm listening to what you are saying.
I say ok thanks for listening.
Please feel free to respons with your thoughts and feelings. Im sorry that I've made you feel that you can't express yourself as well.
He says. I know that every time I say something I make it worse so it is ok.
I write. IOh I'm so sorry baby. I reslly never want to make you feel bad.
He wasy. Well it's ok. I doesn't bother me anymore.
I say. Does that mean you don't care anymore?
I'm sorry I'm confused.
He texts. It's ok don't worry about it. sorry.
I text. Um trying so hard to change our lives because we both don't want to live like we did. I don't want to hurt you. I weant you to be happy. I want us to be happy. I'm sorry if I con't get it right all the time.
I change tactics.
How is your day going so far. making progress?
he says. ok yes we making progress how is yours.
so many mixed messages.. so much crap.
Yes, I don't have any family. But I do have a couple of friends that I can stay with for a couple of days. I've read on the healing library that separating for a little bit can be the doornail to reconcilitation. (I know, you will say that where is his committment to reconcilitation.) Just say it to me anyway. I need the bricks on my head to wake me up.
I was having an anxiety attack this morning at work because I didn't text him good morning and wondering why I've become so emotionally dependent on him. I guess my Zanax hadn't kicked in yet. I just couldnt' get all these thoughts out of my head. Just feeling so sad that we couldn't connect in some meaningful way. And against my better judgement I called him on my break. He had just mashed his truck trying to get into a parking space. ANd he has pleasant enough. And he said, he'd talk to me later.
But when 4 hours went by I will still having anxiety isses again. I had left my xanx bottle at home and wanted to take another pill as I can have up to three a day. So, I called him to chit chat and we did. I told him I just wanted to talk to him, hear his voice catch up with the day. And I let him know that I was having a rough day at work. which is wasn't - work wise which was easy, but emotionally I was a wreck. I told him that I was t hinking about him and he that's good. and he asked what I was thinking and I told him that I missed him. There was dead silence on the phone. I let it hang there. I wanted to know where his head was. And eventually he came out with, "well I come home everynight and I guess if I wasn't then I'd miss you. I know that this is not helping you with your day, but this is how I think." ( I was like holy F!) I said, yes, that doesn't really help. He said I'll talk to you later and that was that.
Someone said, "Why are still asking for the emotional support that he obviously can't give you?" Why are you still with him. Honestly, I don't know. I only know that I am really in fincanial straights and feel trapped.
Someone said, are you doing anything right at all for him? And they are just waiting to see if I bring hiome th eright penut pbutter... Funny you should say this. I have been putting on a little perfume before I go to bed now so my hair doesn't smell like smoke when I go to bed. adn he said several times, what is that smell? I said it my perfume. He said, "Why, do you wake up smeling bad?" I said, don't you like it? I don't want to smell like smoke when I go to bed." No reply. Perhaps in his head he thought, well if you just quit you wouldn't have to worry about that would you?" But what do I know.
I decided on the drive home tonight from work that this was his problem not mine. And I was going to be my normal self and get on with my life. And was going to follow the 180 rules but they are really hard to follow. So, per my usual behavior I called and asked what we were going to do for dinner and what he thought his tooth could handle. He was non-commital and said, Just get whatever you want to make. So, I got some pasta, salad and some chicken cutlets. I came in and said hello, babe. which he said hello (my name) (as he has stopped calling me babe). I put my stuff down in the kitchen. Dog greeted me. I came in to the living room and said, I had a smoke on the way over, but still want to give you a kiss. Which I did." Then took a shower. He had made coffee. (so I thought, he is trying at least). Asked him to come help me in the kitchen. He made it up, but with a sigh. I asked him, are you alright? You hurting from work. He said no. He said, "What do you want me to do?" I asked, well, I did get chicken these are small and I thught you could probably handle these. how would you like them spiced?" He said, However you want them." I said, well, I usually fix them the same old way, but perhaps it s would be good for a change to spice things up. How about Indian or Itialian or any of these other spices here." He said, "I don't care. However you want to make them. I think I will just have the pasta." I said, "OK" and thanks for making coffee." So, my plan was to just keep going and tell him that I'd been an ass, but that I was going to stop talking about this stuff." But he interrupted me and said, "I really can't take anymore. So, stop apologizing. If we talk we are going to have an argument." He is trying to leave the kitchen and I step into his way and say, "I love you. with my hand on my haert". ANd He says We are just going to say bad things" And I say, saying I love you is not a bad thing. ANd I say, Do you love me?" He says I love you" and I move out of the way and said, I can live with that" because it's 180 time now for me. He goes into living room. I nuke the past meal. make a salad for me andthe little chicken cutlets are done. Dinners ready. I make two plates and bring them in to living room. And he says "i was going to get it" I said, "well, I was on my way in." He is watching his spanish court tv (which I hate). We ate dinner. We laugh at the craziness of the show. I ask him about his coworker if he made it to work despite his daughter being in the hospital. He did. The dog starts whinning. I say, I'm taking the dog for a walk. He stays on couch. I walk my dog. I return home and say it's colder outside then in the house. We check the aircondtioning and some of the lines are icing up. He said I think that we have a freon leak. I can call my cousin Jimmy and see if he is still working, but for sure ( ) doesn't want to come over and try to fix this again." Yeah, I say, he will want to know if we are ready to buy a new system. He says (my name) so what's your plan? (my plan?) I said, "My plan is to follow your advise because I don't know anything about this stuff and open the windows. I guess I can see if I have any money in my 401k from the university to see if it will pay for a new system." He says' "And give your money to the governement - he means the early withdrawl fees). I say "Well, we are just taking it day by day aren't we?" He says' "well Walmart is open." I have no idea what that means. So, I say "Well, I guess I have to look for a job at walmart then." He is walking away at this time and laughs. I have no clue. We open windows put fans out. He goes back to watching tv. I go outside with my spanish lesson book. As I've been trying to learn spanish so I can better communicate with his family, particularily his parents who don't speak englsih. I have two cigerrettes. When I come back in, he is getting ready for bed because he is puting his phone in the drawer. I turn off the t.v. and say I am heading to bed and he says I am too.
We have the perfume disussion. And as I lay there I say "good night".
So, today. Per my 180 committment I have not texted him this morning. I am going to visit a friend this morning. My dog fell down the stairs to tbe basement. I thought I had shut my door but apparently not. He has a new cut on his leg that I saw this morning. I have no idea where he got that one. I need to figure out how to get him up the stairs now. My plan today is to visit my dear friend. She has offferred to give me 500 to help me through this financial crisis, since I lost 70% of my income while I was out with my back. It's not a loan she says she just wants to give it to me. The funny thing when I called her last night while I was on couch, she asked if I told H that I loved him and that I missed him. I said, "Yes, I told him I loved him today and that I missed him". He heard me say that. After I got off phone I told him that she sends her love. He nodded.
So, the plan again: visit my friend, come home work on my job resumes and my next door neighbor invited me over for drinks so because his brother is in town from South America. I agreed to go. I helped him take care of his partner when he died. Actually I was right there in the room when it happened and tried to be a good friend to him while he grieved. I also have to finish filling out some more student loan defferrment papers which really gets me distressed but I have to do it - It reminds me of the time when I graduated and had to seek financial assistance for food and our electric bill because we didn't have enough money. It was a horrible experience. But you know Ive got to do what I've got to do to get my life together with or without him.
So, please keep the comments coming! It really, really helps me to know that there are other people out there! Thanks so much Shifting Sand
I'm glad you are doing the 180, but I'm afraid I don't see you being able to stick with it.
I did not text him all day yesterday. I was only tempted once in the morning per my usual good morning, but didn't.
It was my day off. I re-read all the advise people have provided and wrote on here in the early morning. And of course, I obsessed over the facebook chat icon I could see on my computer while I wrote. Fuming every time I saw his chat phone icon start texting someone.
Today, I turned the facebook on, saw that he had texted someone an hour ago and then said to myself - this is not productive for me. This only hurts me. Stop looking at it and so, I logged off facebook. I need, like someone said to stop looking for the feeelings and support that is no longer there. It's like I keep staring into an empty box and thinking there is a carrot there. ANd I keep checking the box, somehw everytime I look I expect a carrot to be in the box. Magical thinking.
So, after I wrote here and seriously thought about what people said, I went and spent some time visiting an older friend from church. She is such a wise kind soul. I was feeling really centered and then remember that I had a doctor's appointment which was good. My antidepressent was increased and it had made such a difference.
so this is my second day, I think of actually feeling clear headed.
ok so on to the 180 experience and your advise to me. I went to the library to see if I could check out the co-depencey book, but they are moving the librabry so they didn't have it, so while there I erad the rules of marriage. It was a good book. It echoed many of the 180 rules and also helped me to see how I keep "pushing" for response and him "withdrawing" the pursuer and the pursued. Anyway I received my text about 5 pm just as I was leaving the library asking about dinner. I got the fixing and he cooked dinner. I stayed out of the kitchen and let him do his thing. I walked the dog during this time.
He asked a couple of cooking questions and I answered nicely. I did some of the pan ect cleaning while he was doing soem of the cooking, cuz I hate doing the dishes after dinner.
Anyway the point is that I didn't start to make conversation with him like I usually do. I just let him be. When we sat on the couch. And I ate I complimented, the food, which was good. He ttried to get me to say negative things. You don't think the meat is over cooked? I sayd No, it's perferct - it was. YOu think... No, it's really good! Then he asks me about my day. I said it was pretty good. No follow up from him. Which was ok. If he wants to know more he can ask.I asked him about his day. He started with the word answer and then elaborated himself. I caught myself from asking more questions trying to drag the converdsation out and get him to talk. after dinner I went out to the deck with my spanish book and took only three cigerrettes because I didn't want to end up spending the whole night out there, which I can do when I concentrate hard. He came out to the deck to get a hammer and did something. I stopped myself from asking him what he was doing and just looked up and smiled and said some spanish words I was learning. I went back inside and he was watching a spanish soap opera which I HATE, cuz 1 it's stupid, two I cant understand it and three well it's boring for all of the above. lol.
I did my P.T. but did ask him for his help with one of the stretches that I normally do. I observed him not being ablke to met my eye. So I avoided looking at him and concentrated breathing through the pain.
I sat on the couch some more, but I could not take it so I went next door to the neighbor's at around 930. Let him know Im heading over. He said "OK". It was close to his bed time anyway since he's up at 5 am. I spent the evening over there and went to bed at 11:15 pm. I menmtion this because one of his complaints is that he always goes to bed alone. I htink that this is the third or fourth night in the last two months that i have not been in bed bnefore or when he did. But you know, I think that is just a way to control me.
Because I am now clear headed I am observing H much more and he is totally withdrawn. He is completely in another world inside of his head and completely obsorbed in the t.v. It's strange. I think he will like the 180 because he can completely disengange with me. But we will see how it goes today. Since we now have food for several days - I guess he will not have anythign to text me about today! lol ...
Ok thanks for the advise everyone. But I do notice that Idon't see any other people who have confronted a spouse but the spouse has not admitted they had an affair. Can you refer me to a section or know of a thread here?
The 180 is the best way to find your footing, find your strength. I do not know what your H was like before, but he is not your friend at this time. I also was emotionally dependent on H, though now 4 years later, I am still working on myself FOR myself. That list, just like your husband's "complaints" are just ways for them to assuage their guilty conscience. In their twisted minds, it justifies their horrible behavior.
I hope you will avoid physical intimacy with him, it sounds like his A may have gone physical. I say that because of his disappearing acts mentioned at the beginning of your thread.
It is not easy to live with a cheater, so I would hope that you could find a job suitable to your education and empower yourself in that regard.
When you are ready, in my opinion, the best way to confront is to say that in order for him to remain your husband, he must provide you with full transparency, no contact with other woman (or women), etc., (insert whatever else you need), and if he is unwilling to do so, then you will have no choice but to start D proceedings. And then DO IT!!
It makes me hurt so much for you to read these words. Part of me died when my H treated me so terribly, but the part that lived is stronger than ever! You can do this!! Sending hugs.
But dang it. I went to drug store to get more bandages for the dog and came back. Something wasn't right - I pulled up and I saw my husband sit up on teh couch and pretend to read a book. WTF?
So, I logged on the facebook to see if his icon showed chat use and sure enough! See the thing is, it wouldn't bother me if he was texting his family ... or whome ever, but of course, since HE HID IT ... so why hide!
It sent me into a tailspin again and I've been searching the internet for additional profiles somewhere. It's pointless but god.. just when I think I have my act just a little bit together! F..F.. F>> i hate this place in my mind. OK Ive got to crash. early day tommorrow. Will tell you more about the second 180 day. Thanks for reading!!!!
He says," I have a whole private life you know nothing about. I dont' tell you because I know how you are.
I apologize - I didn't read your post - too triggery. I hit this line, and it was a flashback I didn't want.
Your H is in the midst of a heavy emotional affair. You cannot control him. You, however, can control what you accept.
As someone that's been there, I really recommend the 180. It's in the faqs for BS. He will continue this for as long as you put up with it.
This stays in your life for as long as you let it. I know you're scared, but if he wanted to leave, he would have. You don't need to accept this.
Yesterday second day of 180. DIdn't text him all day. Received a good morning text from him. I replied in the same manner, but not asking follow-up questions as I usually do.
I had a good day and concentrated on work and really didn't have much pain at work.
Came home early because of CPAP appointment so excited to get my new machine. I had to let dog out and walked him half a block and H came home. I could see that he had already been home.
oh hell... I dont' want to write this crap anymore. I only engaged him in conversation when he started the conversation.
P.P. your message really hits home. This will continue for as long as I let it. My next door nieghbor has invited us to dinner, with his brother who's here. I told H, but he did not respond. I also told him that the brother invited him to watch one of the soccer matches as well.
my next door neighbor said that I could move in with him if it came to that.
The student loan people are hounding me again.
The doctor made a referral to a couneslor. I haven't called yet, because I dont' know how much money wit will require and you know how broke I am. ANwyays enough of this crap..it's all just crap..
Regardless of H I will be going out to dinner tonight so I am looking forward to that.
Anyway more later.. AGain thanks so much for reading and your posts are so very welcome and appreciated.
I have let him believe that he is incontrol by being the first to "save us" not to give up. WTF was I doing? How dare he give me akiss on the cheek? He is still acting like he is the hurt party. That he has done nothing wrong! Freaking now an entire year of conversations? I think freaking not!
I no longer ask him questions only when he asks me about me and then I respond in kind. I didn't even know tha he was working tommorrow, only I over heard it on his cell phone when I walked back in from the deck while I was practicing my spanish. I asked him later, so I guess you are working tommorrow, if I heard correctly on the phone? He said yes. They cancelled Sunday. First, Ididn't know any of that - because he hadn't TOLD ME. I said later, I didn't know you were working tommorrow. You said that job was done from last weekend. He looked confused. Anyway, he didn't freaking get it that he didn't EVEN tell me when he is freaking working and that HE SHOULD! He went all around about that last weekend he was in VA and they finsihed it. This weekend he is in "..". which has to be done in two weeks. I said, Ok well I didn't know that. You were talking to me as if I did know." He says in a snarky way, "I guess you have plans?" I used the same tone back at him and said "NO, I Don't." As I have to work as well. lol It just freaking occurred to me that he must have told OW and now he just doesn't remember what he tells who anymore.
I'm gettoing really tired of him.
Every day is a struggle. TOnight there is another family event and tommorrow is fathers' day, so I assume that after I work tommorrow that we will go over to his family's house.
Looking forward to my antidepressant kicking in. I wonder sometimes is it even worth it anymore - this relationship.