Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: GotLost (44678)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm realizing I'm truly alone in all this as a parent
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it's finally hitting me that I'm the only true parent in my kids' lives. With WH seeing them 2 hours on a weeknight and 5 hours on a weekend, he's more fun dad not a parent. He doesn't bring them to his place he stays (out of state) wherever that is with whoever he's with. So it's not like he's disciplining them or working on site words, numbers, letters, piano, or any practicing of anything. He can't even support my discipline the one hour we are at a tball game. He is the one offering them comfort when I discipline with taking away privilege or time out. Or just saying no to my kids. I finally told him its important they see him back me up when I'm doing that.

Heck, he can't even say hello or goodbye to me when he picks up/drop off, and then the kids barely do. I'm mother Theresa with making sure my kids have manners to everyone including him. I always greet the asshole.

I'm in for a long road.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2014
NotGonnaTakeIt
♀ New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HeBrokeVows))) I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Your kids may not show it now, but they know who the reliable parent that they can count on is.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Hebrokrvows)))))))

Once I realized that I was THE parent in my kids life and he was a diversion. My life got easier, I stopped expecting him to be a parent. I am willing to bet that he wasn't as involved in parenting during the marriage, you did it then, too.

Your kids will come around, it took mine a few years. And congratulations for raising well behaved kids.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5012 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you are right. Maybe now that I've realized this I can embrace it and move on. I was just discussing this in IC today.

He was very involved in the kids life until the fall, then not at all. He hasn't been an active parent for almost a year. 3-4 year old twins was a tough time for us. That's when he checked out of parenting. Now they are almost 5 and over all doing great. They discuss their sadness and we talk openly about him gone (thanks to SI and therapy). It's helped quite a bit.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2014
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you have accepted the single/sole parenting reality. You are right ~ being with your children 7 hours/week is, I'm sorry, not parenting. My cat spends more time with my children.

Now they are almost 5 and over all doing great. They discuss their sadness and we talk openly about him gone (thanks to SI and therapy). It's helped quite a bit.
It will still be a roller coaster of emotions but you have a solid foundation to fall back on.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Oct 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance really will help lessen your frustration and disappointment.

My kids have an EOW Disney dad too. Absolutely no parenting skills, and he has the opposite rules of me when it comes to things like cursing and staying up late. But I was so sick of trying to get him to do the right thing, so (thank you SI!) I just put my focus on the kids. I told them that *I* don't approve of cursing, and they get to decide what they want to do at dad's house, and now they don't curse over there as much anymore!

The big thing was IGNORING the douchebag and accepting that trying to talk to him was as effective as talking to my toothbrush. BUT, I still had a chance when it came to the kids.

Unless it's to the level of a DCF call, I would try to ignore ANYTHING he does; and if you happen to hear of something you don't approve of, just discuss it with your kids..

The bonus is that my kids are already feeling independent and strong, and they love being able to make "decisions" on their own about things.

I don't think blindly forcing kids to follow rules is really the way to go. Showing the ADVANTAGES of following the rules and them CHOOSING the right way to go, now that's gold.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2095 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is the same. About 8 hours a week.Its his loss. She is an awesome kid.I can do this myself.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
thishurts79
♀ New Member
Member # 41668
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been feeling the same way as many of you. Sad to say I actually was jealous of his time with them this past Sunday. I hope that they will see the day in/day out of my parenting and know how much I love them. I can't expect anything from him anymore all he does is disappoint. I think this would be so much easier to deal with without the kids being involved, but they are also holding me together and can't imagine my life without them. Sending strength to you all, we can do this!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is the same - two hours one night and then a full weekend day. But I am fighting to keep it this way.

I just went back to work, and I'm exhausted. I try to remember that I did this for a long time. He wasn't "present" for a long time before he left.

Once I realized that I was THE parent in my kids life and he was a diversion. My life got easier, I stopped expecting him to be a parent. I am willing to bet that he wasn't as involved in parenting during the marriage, you did it then, too.

This ^^^^ is where I'm at now. At best, he's a terrible father and possibly a danger to them. I love them, and I'm their only real parent.


Posts: 1657 | Registered: Oct 2011
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree how much easier it would all be without the kids involved, yet they are my rock and what probably has kept me sane and moving forward. Some friends asked if I stayed in bed for days after finding out. I laughed and said um, nope, my kids woke up at regular time the next morning and I had to rise and shine and get them breakfast, get them to school and activities. So much different after a breakup before marriage. I could cry in bed for days back then. Today, life keeps going because two little ones depend on me for their everything, and only me.

My therapist keeps reminding me I've been doing this by myself for a long time before he left because he wasn't "present" like another poster mentioned.

We all have such similar stories, wow!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.