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Newest Member: Hurtbuthopeful35 (44302)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm terrified....
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a very toxic work environment. Boundaries do not exist. On a weekly basis there is some kind of yelling or argument. There are several bi-polar people I work with and they do not take any medication. I have been unhappy but the benefits have always outweighed the bad.

I got very upset last wednesday because a coworker got pissed off at me because how I answered when she kept calling me but not hearing me. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I ended up crying at my desk. Several male coworkers came by and offered to help. I spoke my mind and how I was feeling. One of the people happened to be the vice president of the company.... it's a small office. I told him what I was feeling. He ended up having a conversation with my immediate boss. She was extremely pissed off at me. She ignored me and barely talked to me for days. I decided to be the bigger person and talked to her.

She was upset that I hadn't gone to her before about my issues. Also that numerous male employees had contacted her that I was being overworked and they were all being mean to me. Some of it is a little bit true but a lot of it was just them taking what I had said while I was crying and magnified it.

I apologized for not going to her first. She says she doesn't know who I am any more and she accused me of being a liar. I felt a lot better during and after the conversation but as soon as I left the office for the week I had this intense feeling that its time for me to leave this job. The feeling continued to get stronger all weekend.

I don't know how long it will take me to find a job so I don't really want to announce my intentions because they will get a new employee before I am able to get a job. I'm terrified how my boss will take my decision. I know she will take my decision as a betrayal. I know that she will verbally attack me because she has done it before. I was sitting at my desk and she didn't like the fact I wasn't talking about what I was feeling and what was going on with me.

I don't know how I am going to be able to find a new job. I was very over qualified for this job. I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to eat all weekend. My anxiety level just keeps getting higher.

My parents, who I currently live with along with my kids, do not like that I am still working at this job. They know it is a very unhealthy environment.

I left one toxic relationship to go to a different toxic relationship. This feels just as hard as filing for divorce.

I'm so scared... I definitely do not have a poker face so I can't really hide my feelings. I'm going to need to be at peace with my decision so I won't get attacked by my boss.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2012
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a stressful environment.

Business only -take frequent breaks so it doesn't build. Focus on doing the best job.

After work focus on looking for opportunities. Do not mention to anyone at work you are thinking of leaving. See what the current market is and don't make a jump all due to stress. Best to find a better position for you.

Focus on leaving work at work- all energy toward finding a new position.

Do not say anything until you get a written offer in hand. By that time they might counter offer.

Hang in there.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at it this way: You finally realize that you have to get out of there. Start looking immediately--beef up your resume with what you're able to do, not what you've been doing for this place that is not utilizing your abilities.

You may not normally have a poker face, but this is a 'fake it till you make it' situation. Smile--a lot. It doesn't necessarily have to reach your eyes, but keeping your lips turned up will throw them off. When people start yelling, give them that bemused, "Do you have any idea how you look right now?" message.

Do your job to the best of your ability, and don't do anyone else's, even if they rail at you. Set your OWN boundaries and enforce them. Don't worry about what they think of you--that's none of your business.

You can do this; I know because I've had to do this in the past. It works.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19808 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for recognizing these things at work!! Definitely don't tell anyone what you're thinking or what your plans are until they are set. Try not to worry about how people may react. You can't control what they are going to do. I know your scared. Change can be a very scary thing. However, I think once you're working your way towards your goal and you can see the light down the path, things won't be as scary as they currently seem.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not mention to anyone at work you are thinking of leaving.

^^^^ This.

Anyone.

and as far as:

I know she will take my decision as a betrayal. I know that she will verbally attack me because she has done it before.

She's abusive to you. Why do you care what she thinks about your decision to escape?

I don't believe in burning bridges when I leave a job, but I don't pull punches in exit interviews, either. HR departments need to know if they have toxic people in management positions. Or any position.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5119 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with the other posters. Do not give advance notice of your intent to look for other opportunities.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3664 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice and boost of confidence. I survived work today without giving away my true feelings. I put my kids' pictures closer to my eye view so that I would see them more often. I kept telling myself that everything I am doing is for my kids.

I figured out why I had such a meltdown last week... I worked 64 hours last week alone! I worked my regular hours and then did more work after the kids had gone to bed. I don't know how I survived that! My check will look nice but my mental health doesn't.

Do not say anything until you get a written offer in hand. By that time they might counter offer.

If I was given a counter offer from my current company I don't think I would stay. It is a big minefield regarding emotions and since it's a small office every one knows everybody else's business.

I don't believe in burning bridges when I leave a job, but I don't pull punches in exit interviews, either. HR departments need to know if they have toxic people in management positions. Or any position

As much as that would be nice... The hr department consists of only one person... The owner's sister. She has no past hr experience. She use to be a nurse. She has a unnatural attachment to my boss... Like a needy friend. Hr person is one of the people who does the screaming and shouting. Her other brother is the IT department... And he has made inappropriate sexual remarks towards me. I don't remember what they were but when I had told my SO what was said to me my SO said if he ever met this guy he would punch him. When I told my boss she said I needed to handle it myself.

One girl I work with got away with stabbing her ex husband while they were married... She stabbed him because he moved when she tried to run over him..... Yeah it's that crazy at my office.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2012
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care if my salary was one million dollars a year, there is no way in hell I would stay in that environment one more minute!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3186 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to say that this thread topic "I'm terrified" started by courageous caught my eye because of the juxtaposition of those two items. Remember your user name every day at work. What you need to do will take courage, but you already are courageous.

I think family businesses can be the worst places to work. Many times no one knows or cares about regulations or laws about harassment, or bullying or overworked employees. And bringing issues to someone's attention can just make it worse. Keep your head up and keep looking for something better. Keep us posted!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3011 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, what's the plan?

What are you doing to find a new job?
What are you doing day to day to survive in this job until you get out?
What is your one year/five year/ten year plan at this point?

It sounds like you have reason to be EXTREMELY proactive in moving forward professionally right now.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13566 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you need to do will take courage, but you already are courageous.

thanks better4me

I think family businesses can be the worst places to work. Many times no one knows or cares about regulations or laws about harassment, or bullying or overworked employees. And bringing issues to someone's attention can just make it worse.

Ain't that the truth!!! There are so many things that are not very "kosher" going on in this office.

When I first started working at this place my PTSD was bad enough that the screaming would leave me physically shaking.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, what's the plan? What are you doing to find a new job?

I should have known you would get to the heart of the issues. My boss is my friend on facebook and linkedin so I have to be careful what I post.... can't ask my connection on there for help.

I still have a monster.com account. I have started looking at jobs but I admit I'm a bit anxious about looking. I'm concerned about once I start applying for jobs, if they call my work for references then my work will know I'm looking for work.

The major problem I have is that I use to work in retail management for all of my career history before kids. I have a BA in business management. I can't work in retail because the hours are so bad that I can't have custody of the kids and work retail. I have had to start all over. Every job since getting separated from exwh has told me that I am overqualified and that they have someone just a little more suited for the position than me but they would certainly pass my resume on to others.

I know I am extremely horrible at sales... and I really hate sales because I suck at it! I would love a job that is only mon-fri and have holidays off. I want benefits (medical, dental, paid time off, and if possible... 401k). I feel so lost of where to start and what job would be a great fit for me.

**Just a side note... the location I live in being bilingual is a requirement at some places. I am not bilingual and even though I have many years of this language I can't pick it up**

What are you doing day to day to survive in this job until you get out?

I have moved my kids' pictures so that they are in my line of sight often. I'm joking around with coworkers and being extras nice. I'm going to try to limit my after hours work so I don't get burned out. Instead I am job hunting before bedtime.

What is your one year/five year/ten year plan at this point?

Setting goals have been something I have really been struggling with. My depression up until recently has been really bad. I want to move out of my parents' house by next summer. I need to be in a job that is stable and has hour that I can work without having someone watch the kids.

In 5 years I would love to be married to my SO but I have a feeling that that might never happen. That is as far out as I can think right now.

It sounds like you have reason to be EXTREMELY proactive in moving forward professionally right now.

I just hope I am able to stay motivated. Fear can get mighty paralyzing at times.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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