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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need a good article
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH insists that I have ruined his relationship with our adult children. His bad example destroyed their trust and respect in him years ago. They witnessed their father countless times participating in his bad habits... pornography, dating websites (such as ashleymadison), affairs, etc. For years they kept what they had seen a secret from me. It wasn't until his affair was exposed that they told me about it.

Does anyone have a good article on the negative effects of porn exposure and infidelity on children (even adult children)?

He sent me an article explaining why one parent should not criticize and judge the other parent to their children. I agree 100%. But....what if the parent shows their true colors to the kids?

Tired of being blamed for EVERYTHING!


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.news.com.au/national/exposing-kids-to-porn-should-be-illegal/story-e6frfkvr-1225772648123


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a 25 year study (book) on children of divorce that was really interesting. I bought the book "Parents Who Cheat" and thought it was an excellent book. It focused on the effects on children and adult children.

But to be honest, if your WH hasn't owned up to his actions/consequences, no amount of excellent articles will help. Sorry. Each parent is responsible for his/her relationship with child regardless of child's age.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for your replies.

I know he won't change after reading an article and suddenly become accountable....just wanted to respond to his article with one of my choice. Didn't want to use my own words.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will never change. In his selfish mind the only possible way the kids could not adore him is if YOu said something. Blameshifting, deflecting, the usual...

Some people just can;t own their own mess.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to let go of caring what he says or thinks about you. Who cares if he blames you? The kids don't blame you plus they are adults. They know what an idiot he is. Probably everyone in his life knows what an idiot he is, except perhaps his parent (but maybe they do too...you never know).

When he says crap like that or send you crap like that, just roll you eyes and say "whatever". YOU know the truth, that is all that matters.

In the meantime, work on going NC with him. Your kids are adults so you do not have to have contact with him about the kids. You are not D yet so you may need to still communicate about those issues. But you absolutely do now (and should not) respond to his stupid blameshifting rants.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you defending yourself? If there were some magic words someone here would have found them by now.

You will drive yourself crazy trying and you're just petting the drama llama.

He will believe what he wants to believe. Everything will always be someone else's fault. This is one of the core components of a cheater.

Stop talking to him. Don't take his phone calls. Do not let him continue to mindfuck you.

His beliefs are his. Who gives a flying fuck what he thinks? You need to break your give a fuck and you need to break it now.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5579 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys- I needed that! I did not respond at all to his email article.

I need to stay the course. If all goes well, my D will be final end of July.

I will write on a piece of paper 50 times....I will not let him control me....I will not let him control me....I will not let him control me.

Now I remember why I joined SI. It's the best advice and support!


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New mantra -no contact is good for me, no contact is good for me, no contact is good for me.

The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce: A 25 Year Study is a very good read about how divorce affects kids 5, 10, and 25 years later. It follows the same kids through the years growing up. It does touch on relationships with the parents.

I wouldn't give it to him, but if he asks again I 'might' point him to this book.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the advantages of divorce: HIS problems are HIS problems.

If he has a strained relationship with his kids: HIS PROBLEM.

I have absolute proof my ex tried to brainwash and alienate the kids against me, but guess what? The consistency, structure, and unconditional love I give them means they don't believe him when he spews that crap, and he digs his own holes with them with his continuous lies.

If he CARED so much, he would make more of an effort to just be a good dad than play a blame game on why they don't like him.

*I* care about my kids, and I would NEVER let him brainwash them against me, but obviously your ex thinks you are all powerful here, and he's throwing in the towel and playing the blame game instead of actually stepping up the fucking plate, admitting his faults, and asking for a chance to make it up to them, and none of that would have to do with YOU.

ADULT children are allowed to think for themselves and have whatever relationship they want with WHOMEVER they want. If they've chosen not to surround themselves with people they can't trust or respect (including their father), that's their decision.

Just ignore that dumbass. No need to explain the obvious to him or send him a rebuttal article.

Your ex involving the kids in his affair is BEYOND deplorable, and it happened to me too. Honestly, I felt betrayed by my kids too for keeping secrets from me, but they were too young to understand what was really happening. But the older they get, the more I believe they will understand what truly happened. Your kids are adults. They obviously know already what happened, so no reason to discuss any of this crap with him.

Just let your kids choose to love and spend time with him or to NOT love and spend time with him on their own. And unless you actually HAVE been telling them lies, don't feel one teeny tiny ounce of shame here.

Waywards HATE being reminded of the truth and will blameshift their faults to anyone they can. Let go of the anger and turn it to eye rolling. He's a dumbass digging his own grave..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
idontknowwhy5
♂ Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, I just assumed showing porn to kids was illegal, it's really got to be illegal, pandering obscenities or something.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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