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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need to know that I'm normal
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I didn't think I would post here. But I have been reading everyone's stories and feel less alone in this world because of the sharing. My story, although similar, is a little different too.

About 18 months ago, my husband was at a conference and met up with a large group of people. He hung out mostly with the guys but there were also women there. About 2 am, my husband went across the hall to mix another drink and was followed by a woman. There were just the 2 of them in the room. She came on really strong and without even kissing him or undressing him (most of him), intercourse did start which was abruptly stopped by my husband. She became angry and slapped him for pushing her away. He didn't even know her name. He said he was married. She said, "So what, I am too." He said, "I don't do this sort of thing." To which she replied, "I do this all the time. Get out."

I fully believe the details. We have rehashed them repeatedly. He came back from the conference and told me what had happened, begged for my forgiveness and swears nothing like this has happened before or will ever happen again. I believe, in my soul, he will not put either of us through something like this again.

The thing is, it still haunts me. There are days we do really well and there are days where I still feel the hatred for her, a woman who has changed my life forever and doesn't even know me : A woman who could have broken up my once so strong family and left my children to be the victims of a broken home. And I obviously have anger towards my husband for allowing this poison to seep into our marriage.

I am having trouble forgiving. Most days, I just feel sad for us. My husband is doing everything in his power to make this right. He doesn't quite know why this happened. Obviously drinking played a huge role but he says he had no intention of doing anything like this and that he did not seek this out. He believes that had she not been so aggressive, he'd have finished his drink and gone back to his hotel. He is a kind and honest man so I believe this to be true.

But what if I am not able to grant him forgiveness? I feel in my heart that he does deserve it. I don't know what more he can possibly do. What if I can't ever get past this? What if I obsess over this forever? That's no life. I already have this newfound anxiety that rarely leaves me. I want it all back the way it used to be when we were so untouched and innocent.

There, that's my story. I thank you for reading and appreciate any and all advice.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A woman who could have broken up my once so strong family and left my children to be the victims of a broken home.

The responsibility to protect your family rests on your husbands shoulders only. Might she have been an aggressive and overbearing person? Yes, but she has no allegiance to you or your kids -- your WH does.

I am having trouble forgiving.

If you believe the details, then forgiving what?
From what you posted, your WH was assaulted by this woman. His story -- went to mix a drink and all of a sudden my pants were around my ankles, my man-parts were on another woman and then she *slapped* me. Gasp.

Imo, you are *obsessing* over this because his story is kinda wonky. The dude needs to get real with you and then you can figure out where to go from there......



"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you believe the details, then forgiving what?
From what you posted, your WH was assaulted by this woman. His story -- went to mix a drink and all of a sudden my pants were around my ankles, my man-parts were on another woman and then she *slapped* me. Gasp.

Imo, you are *obsessing* over this because his story is kinda wonky. The dude needs to get real with you and then you can figure out where to go from there......


^^Have to agree with Gonnabe--sounds wonky.

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am somewhat put off by your comments. My husband and I are reconciling and I don't consider this to be support.

If you knew him, you'd understand that this story isn't 'wonky.' He admits to having a moment of weakness and in his own words " I didn't start it and I didn't stop it as quickly as I should have but I did stop it." He came home and told me right away. I have all his passwords to all his emails, computer and phone messages as I did previous to this event. Full disclosure.

My intention for posting to this site was to gain some perspective from reconciling couples who have gone through something similar and, with time, have fully reconciled. I do not need nor do I appreciate you insinuating that he isn't being truthful. He didn't need to tell me any of this. It was in another state. I would never have found out. He doesn't even know her name. I would never ever meet her. He says he just couldn't live with himself.

I am trying here and am hurting. If you cannot help, please refrain from posting.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And as for the OW, I believe as married people, we all have a responsibility to eachother. She was not fazed at all by the fact that he was a married man which angers me. I am entitled to be angry at her, not just her, but certainly, she has a big role in this!

How many other marriages has this woman tried to destroy? Her own perhaps??

[This message edited by Reallyscared at 12:08 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate and to a lot that you're posting. it really is so hard to have your world rocked in such a devastating way. I think the more you read here you will see that your feelings are completely normal. It takes a lot of time to process and heal from infidelity. What you will also hear stated a lot is that the wayward spouse (WS) needs to work to get to their 'why' in order for R to occur in a true healthy way. You mentioned he doesn't know why, other than a moment of weakness due to alcohol. This is something many work on finding in individual counseling (IC). Since you're new to the sight it's highly reccomended that you read from the healing library (top left corner...yellow box) There are lots of articles and Q&A's that are so helpful. Many good book suggestions too. Two jn particular that are highly reccomended are 'How to help your spouse heal after an affair' and 'Not just friends'. The latter is relating to setting and keeping good boundaries among other things.
Just know that you don't have to set a time limit on yourself for forgiveness. Some say they accept but never forgive. Some forgive quickly. There is no difference, however, in the process and the pain whether you've forgiven or not. We all still have to go through it. It can take 2-5 years to heal from indidelity (said often here on SI) so don't beat yourself up for feeling like you're not over it. Many say the 2nd year is extremely difficult but in different ways than the first. Are you and your H communicating well? Are you open with him about your pain?Does he ccomfort you willingly? Those are good signs you're headed in the right direction. It takes work and time.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 12:16 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think I understand what you are asking. First of all, at least you have this: HE CONFESSED. That's huge. And I know what you are wondering if you can ever 'forgive' him for: although there wasn't any kissing, and some of his clothes were still on, he allowed a woman to start to have sex w/ him. And he shouldn't have....right? The more difficult issue is when, if ever, that act, whatever he allowed that crazy woman to do to him, will stop haunting you. I don't have the answer. I found out only 10 months ago that my H went to a prostitute. He doesn't know it's real name, booked this 'date' purposefully and with full intent to have sex but couldn't get hard enough to roll on a condom so got a BJ instead, and didn't confess...he got caught b/c it texted him. And it still haunts me. Not as badly as early on, but yes, it still does. Forgiveness? I'm not sure that will ever really happen. I accept it. I accept his remorse. I accept his word that he wishes he never did it. I accept that he feels pain and shame for his actions. I am pleased that we talk about wtf he was thinking...what was going on in his mind at the time. I try to look at whatever positive direction our relationship is taking. But other than that, I just don't know.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and of course you are bullshit at the crazy woman. Who wouldn't be? I revile the nasty little prostitute from my sitch. It's just that I blame my husband for hurting me.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fixyou71...thank you for your reply.

We do communicate and he allows me every opportunity to question anything about that night. And I do. What is it about having to know all the details?? He very willingly goes back there for me as I struggle with the why. Prior to this, my husband went through a period of depression after his father had died. It's no excuse I know, but he has gotten IC as have I and we both have been to MC. The death of his father has resurfaced a lot. Watching his mother grieve has been hard as well.

As for that night, he says it's all very foggy to him but real enough that he is so ashamed of not stopping it sooner. We are both committed to reconciling.

I guess I shouldn't be giving myself a timeline. The heart heals when it heals and there's not much I can do to expedite that process. This site makes me at least feel normal...


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Gotmegood,

I am sorry that you are going through this too. Forgiveness is hard isn't it? My IC told me that an infidelity is like having a new car that gets a big scratch. You hate that scratch because to you, it ruins the new car. But the engine is still good so you don't trade in the car and after a while, the scratch isn't as noticeable as it was in the beginning. Seems kind of trivial likening a marriage to a car but if the car is really taken car of, then it will last a long time and that scratch was meant to remind you to not be so careless. Analogies work for me.

Maybe in the span of 50 or so wonderful years, this "scratch" will seem small. Like you, I don't know sometimes but I am trying...there are lots of success stories out there!


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really scared,
Yes! Details! We all can relate. Its just how we process trauma. Asking and reasoning till our brain finally catches up. Its completely normal. You are completely normal. I told my H I liken needing to know the details of his infidelity to how I would feel if my child went missing and was found dead and brutalized. It wouldn't be enough to just knkw he/she died somehow. I'd want to know how and when and where and who and why and every minute he/she was missing I woukd want to knkw what had happened. That's just the way we're built. We need details to try and find some way to make sense of a senseless situation (and it helps us determine whether it could happen against what we're up against where trying to heal is concerned)
Im glad to hear he is openly communicating with you and giving you the answers you need. That is so important.
Hope you find the support you're needing here. I know you will.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you believe your H's story, what is there to forgive?

I, too, read that he was assaulted when he was at least close to drunk and therefore more vulnerable than normal, and he fought her off pretty much as soon as he realized what was happening. Men can be victims of assault, too, and it's not the victim's fault.

Also, have you considered IC in addition to posting on SI to help you with this? SI provides one kind of support; IC another.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10351 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Sisoon.

I guess what I am trying to forgive and move past is the fact that my husband, however briefly, allowed this. It was still a sexual act. He wasn't raped. I guess I felt that we were untouchable in this regard. I know no one here knows me or my husband and may find it hard to believe that he really is an honest man but he is. And what we had was envied. We never used to get it when people said they had to work at their marriage because ours was really, very little work. I am missing the purity of our marriage I believe.

I find myself obsessed with other couples and wondering about their troubles and if they have encountered something like this when I know very well that that is counterproductive. And none of my business for that matter.

But we still seem so "normal" and we have had the unspeakable shake us. So I often wonder if other couples have been shaken like this. I assume it's normal to have it consume your thoughts like this for awhile?

I am in IC and doing meditation to control the negative thoughts. My counsellor and our MC both believe this to be an unfortunate, unplanned, spontaneous and single event and that we will recover. I keep waiting for that epiphany moment when I can finally say, yes it happened, yes it hurt but we are good together and we have a great family.

Will it come?? Who knows?


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, too, it sounds like you don't fully believe your husband's story.

It's believable.

And if it's true, he made the right choices. Good for him.

As for the OW, she didn't get what she was looking for.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscared - No one is trying to insult you. Rather, they are making you aware that in MOST cases of infidelity, the real story doesn't come out right away...it trickles out over time.

Have you gone to see a counselor? Is he answering all of your questions without being defensive or changing the subject covertly?

Also, I recommend the book "NOT 'Just Friends'" for both of you to read so that you both have a clear understanding of healthy boundaries and why lines get crossed. Your husband is definitely guilty of not being aware of appropriate boundaries (drinking too much, etc.).

Also, I have a difficult time believing that all of this happened really fast. A man of a certain age doesn't get "instant" erections like younger men do. And a man certainly - even if caught by surprise in a situation you detail - can overpower a woman easily.

Just some things to think about.

ETA: "opportunity" infidelity happens in cases like these when other people present are engaging in it. Perhaps a co-worker was talking to a couple of women, wanted to connect with one in particular so relied on your husband to be his wingman to hang out with her friend and then the boundaries got crossed. It happens. I'm just saying that when people are in an environment where others are engaging in infidelity it seems to be a common occurrence that others jump into the pool.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 5:17 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came on really strong and without even kissing him or undressing him (most of him), intercourse did start
Considering this, there is something I have not seen brought up.

I think both you and your husband needs to be tested for STD's.


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jun 2002
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Feelingsomuch,

Thank you for replying. I do believe him, I honestly do. I'm not sure why people keep saying that. I'm an honest person and I am both disgusted and shocked by some women out there. My H says that he addressed her as part of the group he was with. There was no dancing, no buying of drinks, no chit chat and no eye contact to suggest anything. Did he drink too much, yes. Was he flattered, probably. Was he briefly swept up in it, yes. That's the part that hurts me. That's the part that haunts me. When she started to undo his belt, I should have been the only thing on his mind.

Am I glad he pushed her off of him (as she pushed him back on the bed and was on top), yes. Am I glad she didn't get everything she wanted, definitely. Am I thankful that it wasn't a passionate ons that he daydreams about and am I glad he is ashamed, of course. But my marriage was still hurt.

Please know that I believe he is telling the truth. We have gone over this together and he has willingly relieved it for me a thousand times.

I am merely seeking out someone else who can just tell me that couples can and do survive infidelity...no matter if it is an affair, an indiscretion, a ons etc...


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Womaninflux,

Thank you for the book recommendation. I agree that he has issues with boundaries. And he will admit to drinking away his sorrows that night and not being on his guard. Right now he is at on conference and knows that this is hard for me but has face timed me 3 times in 2 days with several texts and emails. We FaceTime together before bed and trust me when I say, he is sorry, every day.

I don't believe he jumped on the bandwagon of infidelity that night. I do believe he was surprised. He said the whole thing from the time she came into the room to, what he thought, was to mix a drink was maybe 5 minutes.

We have discussed his boundaries in MC. He is doing much better at respecting them.

I just would like to hear from others who have struggled at 18 months in and hear that R is indeed a real and possible thing.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig2001,

Since he told me as soon as he got back, he got tested so I didn't have to.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since he told me as soon as he got back, he got tested so I didn't have to.
I don't mean to be cynical, did you see the paperwork on the tests...you are sure he was?

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 61
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