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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need to know that I'm normal
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We saw our doctor together to discuss the results with a repeat HIV test to be absolutely sure...really...I think this site is a little ridiculous. How can any of you reconcile without a little trust?

Isn't anyone able to believe that someone made a mistake?? I believe he made a mistake and I'm just looking for some advice on how I am feeling. My husband is doing everything to prove that this was just a one time, horrendous error in judgement. It's me who is looking for a little comradery...

I came here for support and advice. Mostly what I seem to be getting is: his story is wonky, I don't believe him, there's more to it, he was someone's wingman and decided to do it too, and now, did I actually see the test results??

I may have been wrong to come here.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Reallyscared,
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Please know that when people question your husband's story, it's nothing personal. People who have been on this site long enough begin to see common patterns. One thing we see very often is a betrayed spouse who thinks she (or he) has the entire truth but then discovers there is much more. Many people have experienced this firsthand. Please don't feel like you're not being supported; it's just that betrayed spouses are, understandably, a cynical bunch. So the bad news is that you don't know with absolute certainty that he is telling you the truth. The good news is that he confessed, so it's more likely you're getting the truth than if you had caught him.

What you're feeling is normal. The security you felt in your marriage and your husband has been damaged. It's going to take time to feel safe again. The reading recommendations you got below are good places to start.

I think you found out eighteen months ago, right? Do you mind if I ask if there's anything that's happened recently that may have led you to join now and post? If no, please ignore that question.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just would like to hear from others who have struggled at 18 months in and hear that R is indeed a real and possible thing.

Honey I know you want to hear from someone who can relate, but I've been here 4 years and I've not heard of any infidelity that went down like this. It's not that's it's not believeable, it's just that it doesn't usually happen like this. So it may take more time to get the response you want/need.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nomadlady,

I'm sorry as well that I am meeting with such cynicism. It's hard enough.

But to answer your question...we recently moved and I've had some time on my hands. I have been really lonely in this new place missing my family and friends. We also left behind a fabulous MC so I've been kind of sad in general. I believe this sadness has also caused old demons to resurface. Is it normal to have setbacks? Is it normal to still trigger? Even at 18 months? These are the questions I'd like answers to...

Thank you for the gentle post. I seem to need to be handled with kid gloves these days...


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc,

I said from the get go my story was a little different. Even though it may not seem like a huge deal to some people who have had to endure some really difficult or long term infidelities, my fairy tale was tarnished the night he came home and said, "Honey, we need to talk. I have something to tell you."

My heart bleeds for each of you. None of this is easy...no matter the form of infidelity.

[This message edited by Reallyscared at 9:22 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscared, people frequently talk about the process of R as being a roller coaster and about healing not being linear. It's perfectly normal to hit low points even after feeling like things have been going well. Eighteen months may feel like a long time, but in terms of R, it's still fairly early.

It sounds like you don't have much of a support system at the moment because of the move. I hope you're able to find a good IC and/or MC soon. I also hope you stick around--keep reading and keep posting.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Support1107
♀ New Member
Member # 42679
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really Scared - I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I'm not as far out from my DDay as you but I've been wondering whether or not I could ever get past this and forgive as well. I personally know that I will forgive him. I'm not there yet but I will for my own sanity. I will give myself the gift of forgiveness so that I can move forward either with or without him. It is not healthy to carry so much anger and anxiety and I do not wish to live this way. Forgiveness is a choice, if you believe him and he is remorseful and committed then what is holding you back? For me personally, my marriage died the day I found out and I've been grieving it. I do not want the old marriage back and I refuse to settle.

Through all of this, I realize that good people do make mistakes (there is a wayward forum here too & not all of them are bad or they wouldn't be posting their inner most feelings of shame, etc). I think what is hard for you is that you had a strong marriage and you are not finding anything in retrospect that many people do. I'm sorry that your marriage will never be the same. I'm sorry that my marriage will never be the same. At some point you will need to decide what you do want your marriage to be. There are many successful reconciliation stories and while everyone's situation is different and painful, I can say that there are some far worse scenarios out there than yours and they overcame it.

About the site....take what you need and leave the rest. There are some valuable tools and links on this site. This site led me to Retrouvaille which has helped us immensely.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay:9/13/13 online crap
DDay:10/8/13 called crazy B*t@!
2 kids

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscared, I don't know if your husband is telling the truth but it doesn't matter. All that matters is what you believe and you feel as though you have the whole story. I understand why you are hurt that your husband didn't immediately stop this woman's come on. That was definitely on him ( even if the initial assault was totally on her).

I believe that you will make it. Your husband told you the truth, he has been remorseful and is helping you in every way that he can. It will just take time. <------ I know how unhelpful that sounds, but it is the truth.

Fwiw, I had similar responses to you when I posted my story. I believed my husband and folks here told me it was tt etc. that really hurt. But, I've learned over the last year that for many, the truth doesn't come out the first time and they were trying to prepare me for that fact. Thankfully, I was one of the few that did have the whole (awful) story and my husband was being truthful. I hope your experience is the same.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can any of you reconcile without a little trust?
Because we trusted our spouses completely at one point and that total trust is what got us lied to in the first place.

We all have a little trust, or this board would only be filled with those that got divorced. So many of us do have a little trust.

Most of us are a lot wiser now. We know what being lied to is all about. The BS can usually write a book about being lied to and a manual on all the different types of lies and excuses.

Life experiences.

As for your H story, there is a gap in there. Simple as that.

But that doesn't matter. You are fine with his story and the best thing is, is that he told you right away.

Since he told you, you and he can move on from there. Just remember, moving on is not as simple as any of us would like. You and your H are on the right path with talking about this and boundaries etc.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig2001,

Where do you think the gap is??


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came on really strong and without even kissing him or undressing him (most of him), intercourse did start
The gap is in there.

He had to help in some ways. Without getting graphic...there is just a gap there. And a man that is startled like that...I would say is not capable of intercourse.

It did start...well it just reminds me of the gap in Nixon's Watergate tapes.

It really depends on just how much you want to ask him and how much he wants to tell you. And how much you need to know.

You might just be better off not knowing. Drop it and go on to discussing his conferences and alcohol.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it normal to have setbacks? Is it normal to still trigger? Even at 18 months? These are the questions I'd like answers to...

Yes. Yes. Yes.

The problem you have to check for is: Are you experiencing normal ups and downs? Or is what you're feeling a result of your gut telling you something is wrong?

You know your own situation better than anyone here does, but as craig says, SIers know patterns, and SIers have been through things like you're experiencing.

The best way to use SI is to accept what makes sense to you, and ignore the rest.

You've attacked this site a couple of times. To me, that means something you read hit a nerve. Instead of attacking, your best bet is to figure out why what you read hurt and process your own pain - that's the route to healing, and healing is just about everyone's goal here.

Remember: accept what makes sense to you; ignore the rest.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were just the 2 of them in the room. She came on really strong and without even kissing him or undressing him (most of him), intercourse did start which was abruptly stopped by my husband. She became angry and slapped him for pushing her away. He didn't even know her name. He said he was married. She said, "So what, I am too." He said, "I don't do this sort of thing." To which she replied, "I do this all the time. Get out."

Reallyscared:

Your husband is lucky that she didn't file a false charge of sexual assault or harassment against him.

Any women who would cheat in such away, obviously has no moral compass and may very likely have some type of serious mental health issues.

With that said, I think your husband only told you the truth because he was scared she might make a fuss.

Also, he needs IC to find out why he would even be willing to engage with anyone in such a sexually casual way?

I think another chance is okay, but now that you are awakened your husband has sentenced you to a lifetime of paranoia and worry, each time he travels for work, or worse simply is alone with a women at work.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gap is in there.

He had to help in some ways. Without getting graphic...there is just a gap there. And a man that is startled like that...I would say is not capable of intercourse.

It did start...well it just reminds me of the gap in Nixon's Watergate tapes.

I agree with this. IMO, your husband told you because she acted so angry and he feared reprisal.

I think a polygraph might get at the truth.

Ask him to take one, and be sure to follow through.

A lot of waywards will agree, hoping you don't follow through.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscared, this addresses your acceptance/forgiveness struggle.

I too am 18 months out from a 2+ year PA that my H had with a coworker he never intended to leave me for.

A few months after D-Day, I wrote out a list of things I needed to accept. Not forgive. But accept. I wrote them down w/o even thinking. There were 25 things on that list.

As time went on, I would look at the list - say okay to this one but no to that one and the other. Slowly came to terms with each and every one of them. To not do so would only hurt me and I believe I have already been hurt enough. It took approx. one year.

In terms of forgiveness. I have not said the words, "I forgive you" to my H. He is a remorseful spouse. He responded to D-Day with "High Cost Behaviour" (see author below). He still goes to IC.

Janis A Spring wrote, How Can I Forgive You? Maybe your IC has recommended it, already. I have only flipped through it but need to get at it. It's time.

If you want to get to acceptance and forgiveness, this is the path I have taken so far and will continue to walk on. It may not be the right one for you, but since you are struggling, there is my answer.

I also agree with another poster who suggested, Not Just Friends by Sharon Glass. Excellent book for so many reasons and boundary issues are one of them.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:47 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to make of all this.

I do have details that I didn't post on here. The gap that people are referring to are things I'd rather forget. For example, she took off her top (he did touch her chest...as I said, he did briefly respond), she wore no underwear and was wearing a skirt, she had no bra on. And yes there was an erection (which is very difficult for me) but lost it when, as he calls it, he was shocked into a 'What the hell am I doing?" moment. And I believe there was no kissing. I do believe that it was sudden because there was a conference room where the group could not have alcohol so the suite across the hall is where people went to mix their drinks. So when she entered the room, he says he really thought she had come to mix a drink. She came up behind him and reached around him. She told he she thought he was cute. So, no Craig2001, I didn't post these details but I do have them. They are just extremely hard for me to put on paper. Did he respond? Yes. But did he come to his senses? Yes.

So some of you are wondering why can't I just forgive if I believe his whole story? Because I wanted to be the only woman in my husbands life since our wedding day and now I can say that I wasn't the only woman in his life since our wedding day. Not in a million years would I have ever expected him to be weak like that. And yes, I am mad at him too but he is earning back my love. I despise her because I will never have the opportunity or the closure as far as she's concerned. That will always haunt me. All I know is that her name started with a C or a K. She was in a group with people she knew. My husband had struck up a conversation with one of the guys in that group. I don't blame her totally but man, she certainly was the aggressor that night. I believe that.

I just read somewhere that R often takes 2-5 years. His latest display of remorse was last night when we tearfully talked about a trigger. Hopefully, with time and commitment, we can heal from this event. We are still here and still doing ok. So that should count for something :)


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to make of all this.

I do have details that I didn't post on here. The gap that people are referring to are things I'd rather forget. For example, she took off her top (he did touch her chest...as I said, he did briefly respond), she wore no underwear and was wearing a skirt, she had no bra on. And yes there was an erection (which is very difficult for me) but lost it when, as he calls it, he was shocked into a 'What the hell am I doing?" moment. And I believe there was no kissing. I do believe that it was sudden because there was a conference room where the group could not have alcohol so the suite across the hall is where people went to mix their drinks. So when she entered the room, he says he really thought she had come to mix a drink. She came up behind him and reached around him. She told he she thought he was cute. So, no Craig2001, I didn't post these details but I do have them. They are just extremely hard for me to put on paper. Did he respond? Yes. But did he come to his senses? Yes.

So some of you are wondering why can't I just forgive if I believe his whole story? Because I wanted to be the only woman in my husbands life since our wedding day and now I can say that I wasn't the only woman in his life since our wedding day. Not in a million years would I have ever expected him to be weak like that. And yes, I am mad at him too but he is earning back my love. I despise her because I will never have the opportunity or the closure as far as she's concerned. That will always haunt me. All I know is that her name started with a C or a K. She was in a group with people she knew. My husband had struck up a conversation with one of the guys in that group. I don't blame her totally but man, she certainly was the aggressor that night. I believe that.

I just read somewhere that R often takes 2-5 years. His latest display of remorse was last night when we tearfully talked about a trigger. Hopefully, with time and commitment, we can heal from this event. We are still here and still doing ok. So that should count for something :)


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear seethelight,

I have more details than I want. There is no need for a polygraph. My husband was weak. He has told me this story a thousand times. I have never found an inconsistency in either time I have needed to go over it. And believe me, I have tried to trip him up.

Thank you tho.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear seethelight,

I have more details than I want. There is no need for a polygraph. My husband was weak. He has told me this story a thousand times. I have never found an inconsistency in either time I have needed to go over it. And believe me, I have tried to trip him up.

Thank you tho.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscared, given your last post, I hope you saw my note above yours.

Perhaps writing things out, ie: "he touched her when she took off her top" will be helpful in the long run. Yes. It hurts like hell. Really, truly it does hurt to write them out. But writing it out - provided me anyway - with a cathartic release and also was a guide as to how far I had come as time went on.

I have also learned that you need not like or even understand something to accept it.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 61
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