[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 3:03 PM, June 20th (Friday)]
Friday we had the worst fight that we have ever had...a lot of things that were said by him that I will never be able to forget. Saturday, he came to get stuff but he only took the things that belonged to his dad out of the garage. Nothing of his from the house. He told me that he had to leave to go work on a car to make his truck payment. Another lie. He went to a dance recital of a friend of his whores...but couldn't go to his nieces 2 weeks ago or to any of his own sons ballgames. Such a happy little couple.
Yesterday was the first full day of absolutely no contact with him. I realize now that my marriage is over. The things he said, which are absolutely untrue, will affect me and my child forever. Even if I do what he wants, he will still have the things he said in the back of his head.
I have to let him go, he has already let me go. Our marriage is over. He goes today to his parole officer. I told him to change his address. If his whore is good enough to leave his family for, good enough to stay with, good enough to post pictures on Facebook to hurt his wife, then she should be good enough to use her address (or her parents because that is where they are staying!).
What parent of a 32 year old woman lets her married boyfriend stay with them? Doesn't anyone have any respect for marriage anymore? Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. It is over.
But sister he has done you a favor truly. He has shown you exactly who he is. He couldn't keep the act up forever, and now he has given you permission to accept it as what it was an act.
Now you have one wonderful gift as a result, you son. It's time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and start making some real changes to your life, your thought process, and your ability to heal.
Start making those positive changes today, right now.
Every day when you look in the mirror start making affirming statements to yourself.
"I am smart, I am strong, I am a great mom, I will be smarter and stronger than anyone ever thought I could be."
Say it over and over.
I know it hurts that he can't be bothered to be a dad right now, but given his level of addiction and his behaviors right now, he is doing you a favor because he has no business being around him.
Love your son, use him a source of strength. Everytime you look at him remind tell yourself "this is why I have to get my shit together, this is why I have to continue on, no matter how bad it hurts. My son needs a strong healthy parent, and that has to be me."
You got this girl.... We got your back.
I will get better, it may not be today or tomorrow or even next month, but I will. He won't. And then maybe he will realize that our life wasn't so bad. And by then, maybe it will be too late.
He has lost everything. I don't understand at all how he thinks this life is better.
Did he tell you he believes his life is better? Cause it isn't that's obvious, but what is obvious to us as outsiders, and people who have dealt with addiction, it that he can't care, he doesn't care, all he cares about is his next high, drunk, or stone.
YOU have to stop thinking about him, as the person you believed he was. He was never this person. It was an act. He has shown you in the past few weeks who he really is. An addict, that only cares about his addiction. This is not a person worth having around, or included in your life.
PLEASE - Tell me you are going to go to the Alanon meeting this week.
PLEASE - Tell me that you have figured out a way to get to the Dr this week, you need help. Stop worrying about him, and start worrying about you. Start taking care of your son.
I don't know how to stop thinking about him. He is on my mind 24 hours a day. I am constantly replaying our conversations in my head or thinking about what he is doing with her. I don't know how to turn that off.
He has told so many lies that I have no clue where the lies end and the truth begins. I doubt he does either at this point. I have to make him believe that I am okay, rather I am or not. He has to see that I will be okay. He is at rock bottom. He has lost EVERYTHING. No wife, no family, no marriage, no home, no job, no vehicle, NOTHING. I have all of that. I have our home, our son, my job.
Its good to see you back, I looked for your responses over the weekend.
It will get better for you. I understand your pain and shock.
At this time, there is nothing you can do EXCEPT make things good and right for you and your son. What other choice do you have?
You know, as you become stronger, it will show in your face, your body language, your activities and determination to move forward. No, it may not happen today or tomorrow, but any little step you can make in the right direction is a positive. And man oh man, dont you need one of those now?
Dont worry about thinking about him all the time. That's normal, why wouldnt you? Just remember to shut that off and think and do for you!! You'll get more used to that and think of him less.
If you cant get to al alon now, research addiction on the internet. Get your self educated so you can feel better about yourself. Really, in the case of addicts, they're on a down ward spiral before we even become involved. Nothing you could have done differently would've changed the outcome.
Keep posting BBM, keep reading, keep moving forward, little by little. We're here to help you out and back you up.
Of course he'll tell you he's sorry for his bad choices. He's playing for your sympathy.
Cut him out. Talk only about financial obligations and your child.
He is utter poison to you, and you're so poisoned right now you can't really see it and act to detach.
I'm sorry for your situation, but YOU are responsible not only for you, but for your child. You don't need an adult child to mother, too.
D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Working on Re
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29
Today is day #3 with no contact. His phone is still off. I have no way to get ahold of him. It doesn't even matter to him that he can't talk to his son right now. God forbid, but what if something happened to him?!? I doubt I could find him. The no contact has been good, even though I desperately want to see his name or hear his voice.
I drove to work today with no tears. 1st time in quite some time that I can say that. Yesterday, wasn't so good though. Getting in that truck and smelling him, was horrible. Seeing it in my driveway and knowing he isn't there kills me.
I am hurting immensely...but I am taking baby steps.
You don't need to be Mom to a guy with a high school mentality. No contact.
As you get out from under the crazy it will get better. It won't be easy, but it will be better.
He is doing a huge favor to you with the NC. You don't need to contact him, in this f'd way of life he is living right now.
I agree the no contact is good for me. It just bothers me. I am sure he has gotten a cheap go phone to use...and yes that bothers me! But I know that it is the best....
Your little boy deserves to get to live a normal childhood. Even tho this is far from normal, your focus needs to be on him and helping him how Draw boundaries with people who treat you badly. even the ones that say they love you. Don't let your WH constant need for your attention distract you from that.
Seriously, he is a bundle of issues that only he can try to resolve. Too often, the addict type doesn't want to resolve any of them. Life is just too easy high, drunk, stoned, etc. I'm sure current OW makes few demands on him. Hell, she probably gets free room and board. Talk about your dependent type.
Glad you're starting to feel a little better now.
As for his homewrecking whore, she lives with her parents. So he is staying with them also. And yes, I would guarantee it is free. She has no worries so he has no worries. She isn't making demands on him because she is FUN. I couldn't be that. I don't run around and party, drink or do drugs. I have custody of MY child, she doesn't.
I absolutely agree with you, Outtanowhere. I lost myself somewhere along the line. It became all about him, and looking back at times, his needs came before our sons. I can't let that happen again. I have to find ME again, even through the pain.
Yes, I am very mad at HER and very bitter. I should be focusing that anger on HIM. But I haven't gotten to that point yet. Hopefully, that anger comes soon....
I am so glad I found this site because without it, I don't know where I would be. You guys have given me strength I didn't know I had. Even though at times, the advice is hard to swallow and even harder to follow through with, I really am taking in everything you say.
One little baby step at a time and minute by minute. It is all I can do at this point. I can't make him be the person he should be...no matter how hard I beg, plead, promise or threaten. That person is gone. He may hit rock bottom and come back or he may not. Of course, I want him home but I have to face facts.