You got this!!!!
Keep your head high, focus on your future, and be thankful that you understand how sick he is, and how little he is worth. It's ok to grieve the loss of what you thought you had, and the death of your M, but then you need to stand up and grab what you deserve; a bright, strong, healthy future.
I still feel guilty, I feel like I am sending the man I love to prison. OMG. This is awful. OMG. What have I done?!? They are issuing a warrant for absconding. OMG.
This is not your battle!!! Let him be accountable for his own actions. Resist the urge to rescue him. Whatever you can do right now will only help temporarily and, he already takes it for granted that you will. He has to fix himself for the long run.
Take a deep breath and know that you didn't cause this and you simply cannot fix it. You just can't!
Your child can see you cry and know that you are sad and heartbroken. You are human. Just let him know that it's not his fault and he can't fix it.
[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 12:27 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
He had ample opportunities to fix this mess, he chose, he wasn't forced, he chose to not fix them.
You and your son deserve more.
You did the right thing.
you only told the truth. Never, never feel as if that is wrong. You did nothing wrong, did nothing to bring this all down on you.
I know your afraid he will go to jail, but it may be the only thing that will stop his out of control train wreck.
Really, you have to look for the positives, always. He'll be safe, sober, away from the ow, able to think clearly.
BBM, it may be the best possible outcome at this time and the only way for him to get help. Dont worry so, in fact, hope it comes about.
sending you so many hugs and much strength,,,,you are coming along farther than you give yourself credit for,,,,,,,,
Honey- you are doing great. I know it's so SO hard. Take things one minute at a time.
You did not fail him. He failed himself. There is nothing you could've done to prevent this happening- it is his selfishness that caused it all. Whatever happens with his PO is HIS fault. He knew the consequences of not meeting his PO but he chose to skip the meeting anyway. If he goes to jail/prison, that's because he failed to meet the terms of his parole. You are not his mom- he's a big boy. Let him handle the mess he's made.
Along with allllll the other advice you've been given, please, if you can afford it, get yourself and especially your son some counseling. Check in your area for counselors who offer services on a sliding fee scale.
You did the only thing you could have done. To have chosen otherwise would have been to put your child at risk.
Today is the start of #4 of not hearing from him. I don't understand that either. How could he have walked away and cut ties from us, especially his son, so easily? I am sure he has a phone by now, and I understand by not having the number is probably good for ME. But what about the little boy that asks every night if his dad has a phone yet so he can talk to him? How do you do that?
Everyone keeps saying he is only thinking of himself. But honestly, I don't even think he is doing that at this point. If he was, he would have at least called to reschedule his PO visit. Prison may be the best place for him to get the help he needs. And maybe it will open his eyes and he will realize how much his family loves him. But I am so afraid it will have the opposite effect, he is going to blame me. Then that will kill any chance at reconciliation. Which is what I want DESPERATELY.
I spoke to a family friend, who is also the warrants detective. He will be the one who has to pick him up, most likely. He said the warrant will be issued by tomorrow. This kills me. I am sick to my stomach about all of this. I just can't believe that we mean so little to him, that his own life means so little to him.
It could have and SHOULD have been so different. Our life was good...we had everyday problems but it wasn't so awful.
You can do this! You are clearly a strong woman, even if you don't feel that way right now.
He is a grown man. An adult. You get that right? It's not up to you assume any of his responsibilities. In fact, you are doing him a disservice by relieving him of all of his rightful duties to his family. He knows you will fix it if he fails. What incentive does he even have to take responsibility for himself since he can count on you to take the blame and fix everything?
Are these admirable qualities in a man? Are these the behaviors you want your son to learn?
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:24 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
I just feel that he will blame me for not protecting him, not saving him. I know that is stupid but I can't help it. I feel as if I should have done more, fought harder, been prettier/skinnier/sexier, ANYTHING. Yes my thought process is destructive BUT I CAN NOT CHANGE IT. Especially now.
I most definitely DO NOT WANT MY SON TO THINK THIS IS OKAY. I do NOT want him to grow up to be this kind of person. I want him to be the man his father WAS. The man I know he CAN be.
I just hope that he will get the help he needs and finds his way back to the family who loves him.
I can (kind of) understand him walking away from me and our marriage but I don't understand how he could walk away from his son. I am sure he has some kind of phone by now. It really bothers me that his child doesn't mean enough to him to give me that number. It is devastating.
The life I have now is destroying me. I feel as if I am dying inside. I thought I was doing a little better but that call yesterday and knowing that my husband will be going to jail, if not prison, has really set me back. I keep telling myself that maybe it will save his life and even possibly our marriage....but it still kills me to know he let it get to this point. And for what?!? He was clean for almost 10 years (minus alcohol) so what all of a sudden made him start again? Part of me blames the homewrecking whore but I know again, it was HIS choice.
I have heard that addicts have to change people, places and things in their life. That will not happen with my husband. His dad is his biggest enabler and also an addict. He encourages him to be this person so that they can be "friends" and his friends love this person. He is fun and goofy and will do anything for a laugh. But he was that person sober too, it is part of what drew me to him so many years ago.
It just hurts. I wish the pain and tears would go away. I did read the thread about the Jerry Springer sitcom. I am so happy that she is able to move forward....I want that too. But not as much as I want my husband.
The life I have now is destroying me. I feel as if I am dying inside. I thought I was doing a little better but that call yesterday and knowing that my husband will be going to jail, if not prison, has really set me back. I keep telling myself that maybe it will save his life and even possibly our marriage....but it still kills me to know he let it get to this point. And for what?!?
You absolutely did the right thing. How can you even consider it to be good or ok for your son to be exposed to him in his current state??? That is only showing your son some screwed up version of what a dad is supposed to be, not what a real dad is.
Yes Jail may be the best place for him right now. However if he doesn't decide to accept help, and get clean, he won't, and he will continue to lose everything. For most addicts it takes hit rock bottom, really hard to get straight. For others this doesn't even help.
YOU have to stop wasting your energy on how much this hurts, and worrying why he is doing this. The answer is he is an addict. YOU do NOT have to let this define you. YOU can succeed and become stronger, smarter, and braver than you ever imagined. But you have to stop the thought process you are so entrenched in NOW. Get to an Alanon meeting sooner than later.
Get to your local library, and get Codependent no more. Start taking control. Stop worrying about what he thinks. He is broken, and YOU can NOT fix him.
He was clean for almost 10 years (minus alcohol) so what all of a sudden made him start again? Part of me blames the homewrecking whore but I know again, it was HIS choice.
That is not being clean. When you are addicted to substances that change how you feel and think alcohol has to be included with it to consider yourself sober. He was still addicted and using. Accept this fact. The sooner you do the easier the rest of his actions will be to understand.