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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reminds me of a song....
When your going through hell, just keep going....


You got this!!!!


Keep your head high, focus on your future, and be thankful that you understand how sick he is, and how little he is worth. It's ok to grieve the loss of what you thought you had, and the death of your M, but then you need to stand up and grab what you deserve; a bright, strong, healthy future.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be perfectly honest with you, you guys have more faith in me than I do. I feel okay, NOW. That could change at the blink of an eye. But I really am trying....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg omg omg..the tears have started. I feel horrible...his parole officer just called me at work. He did not show up yesterday and he has not given her notice. I did not lie for him. I told her that he left our home on May 14th, only to come back for a week. I do not know where he is living and I told them that. I can not risk losing my son.

I still feel guilty, I feel like I am sending the man I love to prison. OMG. This is awful. OMG. What have I done?!? They are issuing a warrant for absconding. OMG.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, you didn't cause this. Everything that is happening is directly attributed to his actions. Detach from feeling like you can fix his life because, you can't! If you keep fixing everything he has no motivation to improve himself.

This is not your battle!!! Let him be accountable for his own actions. Resist the urge to rescue him. Whatever you can do right now will only help temporarily and, he already takes it for granted that you will. He has to fix himself for the long run.

Take a deep breath and know that you didn't cause this and you simply cannot fix it. You just can't!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sick to my stomach over this. I can't believe he has been this stupid. He has at least 4 years hanging over his head, if not more. How could he just throw his life away. This is horrible.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not horrible for YOU. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. I am really proud of you. I can't imagine how hard it was to be honest with the parole officer. You did what you needed to do because YOU are worth it.

Your child can see you cry and know that you are sad and heartbroken. You are human. Just let him know that it's not his fault and he can't fix it.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was very hard...it honestly crossed my mind to lie for him but then the reality of that hit me. I could possibly get into trouble for that. I had to put my child first. And I did. I know that this isn't my fault. His actions, his choices, his behavior have caused this. But I still feel as if I have played a part in it. I feel guilty. No, I shouldn't but I do.

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 12:27 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like you are in the wrong here.

He had ample opportunities to fix this mess, he chose, he wasn't forced, he chose to not fix them.

You and your son deserve more.
You did the right thing.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM,

you only told the truth. Never, never feel as if that is wrong. You did nothing wrong, did nothing to bring this all down on you.

I know your afraid he will go to jail, but it may be the only thing that will stop his out of control train wreck.

Really, you have to look for the positives, always. He'll be safe, sober, away from the ow, able to think clearly.

BBM, it may be the best possible outcome at this time and the only way for him to get help. Dont worry so, in fact, hope it comes about.

sending you so many hugs and much strength,,,,you are coming along farther than you give yourself credit for,,,,,,,,


Posts: 682 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BBM & Son)))

Honey- you are doing great. I know it's so SO hard. Take things one minute at a time.

You did not fail him. He failed himself. There is nothing you could've done to prevent this happening- it is his selfishness that caused it all. Whatever happens with his PO is HIS fault. He knew the consequences of not meeting his PO but he chose to skip the meeting anyway. If he goes to jail/prison, that's because he failed to meet the terms of his parole. You are not his mom- he's a big boy. Let him handle the mess he's made.

Along with allllll the other advice you've been given, please, if you can afford it, get yourself and especially your son some counseling. Check in your area for counselors who offer services on a sliding fee scale.


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Feb 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go read iamsoblind's thread "my life feels like an episode of Jerry Springer" .
She is proof that when you take the reins and control life gets better.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am former prosecutor. If you lied for him you would be obstructing justice and opened yourself up to potential criminal liability.

You did the only thing you could have done. To have chosen otherwise would have been to put your child at risk.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night and today have been horrible. I feel like I am back at day #1. I know I did the right thing and I know that I could have risked a lot by lying for him, which is why I didn't. But I still feel awful. I realize that this was his mistakes, his choices and his actions have caused this. But it kills me to know how easily it could have ALL been different. IF he had been at home with his family LIKE AN ADULT, this would have NEVER happened. I just can't believe he has sunk this low. It kills me. It is tearing me up inside. I know he will blame me, I know he will think I caused this.

Today is the start of #4 of not hearing from him. I don't understand that either. How could he have walked away and cut ties from us, especially his son, so easily? I am sure he has a phone by now, and I understand by not having the number is probably good for ME. But what about the little boy that asks every night if his dad has a phone yet so he can talk to him? How do you do that?

Everyone keeps saying he is only thinking of himself. But honestly, I don't even think he is doing that at this point. If he was, he would have at least called to reschedule his PO visit. Prison may be the best place for him to get the help he needs. And maybe it will open his eyes and he will realize how much his family loves him. But I am so afraid it will have the opposite effect, he is going to blame me. Then that will kill any chance at reconciliation. Which is what I want DESPERATELY.

I spoke to a family friend, who is also the warrants detective. He will be the one who has to pick him up, most likely. He said the warrant will be issued by tomorrow. This kills me. I am sick to my stomach about all of this. I just can't believe that we mean so little to him, that his own life means so little to him.

It could have and SHOULD have been so different. Our life was good...we had everyday problems but it wasn't so awful.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, you have got to let go of the outcome here. I understand why you are upset for him, but spending so much time on the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" aspect is hurting you. Yes, things would have been different if he had been at home with you and your son, but he made the choice to be elsewhere and now he has to pay the price. That is on him, not on you. There is nothing that you can do about this now, except take care of your son and hope that you are right that prison is the place where he can get help. You have done everything that you can to help him, there is nothing more you can do. If you had lied for him, you would have just been enabling him (to your own detriment), so good for you for telling the truth.

You can do this! You are clearly a strong woman, even if you don't feel that way right now.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will blame your for what? For not cleaning up after him? Making sure HIS obligations were fulfilled? Why are you so afraid of being blamed for doing the right thing?

He is a grown man. An adult. You get that right? It's not up to you assume any of his responsibilities. In fact, you are doing him a disservice by relieving him of all of his rightful duties to his family. He knows you will fix it if he fails. What incentive does he even have to take responsibility for himself since he can count on you to take the blame and fix everything?

Are these admirable qualities in a man? Are these the behaviors you want your son to learn?

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:24 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he made his choices....horrible ones at that. I don't know what happened to him. This is NOT the man I married, the man I love. It kills me, it really does.

I just feel that he will blame me for not protecting him, not saving him. I know that is stupid but I can't help it. I feel as if I should have done more, fought harder, been prettier/skinnier/sexier, ANYTHING. Yes my thought process is destructive BUT I CAN NOT CHANGE IT. Especially now.

I most definitely DO NOT WANT MY SON TO THINK THIS IS OKAY. I do NOT want him to grow up to be this kind of person. I want him to be the man his father WAS. The man I know he CAN be.

I just hope that he will get the help he needs and finds his way back to the family who loves him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, the longer you spend thinking about what you want someone else to do, the less time you can think about how you can make the life you have work. Your son will make his own choices. What kind of example do you want to be for him? Have you made it to an alanon meeting?


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No WeepingBuddhist, I have not. There is one in my area on Thursday, however, that is my sons last ballgame. I can't miss it. His Dad has already missed most of them. That hurts me and him.

I can (kind of) understand him walking away from me and our marriage but I don't understand how he could walk away from his son. I am sure he has some kind of phone by now. It really bothers me that his child doesn't mean enough to him to give me that number. It is devastating.

The life I have now is destroying me. I feel as if I am dying inside. I thought I was doing a little better but that call yesterday and knowing that my husband will be going to jail, if not prison, has really set me back. I keep telling myself that maybe it will save his life and even possibly our marriage....but it still kills me to know he let it get to this point. And for what?!? He was clean for almost 10 years (minus alcohol) so what all of a sudden made him start again? Part of me blames the homewrecking whore but I know again, it was HIS choice.

I have heard that addicts have to change people, places and things in their life. That will not happen with my husband. His dad is his biggest enabler and also an addict. He encourages him to be this person so that they can be "friends" and his friends love this person. He is fun and goofy and will do anything for a laugh. But he was that person sober too, it is part of what drew me to him so many years ago.

It just hurts. I wish the pain and tears would go away. I did read the thread about the Jerry Springer sitcom. I am so happy that she is able to move forward....I want that too. But not as much as I want my husband.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT destroyed. You did something very difficult yesterday and now, you have to keep doing difficult things. There are online alanon groups, email meetings and support. Please get yourself some help for the codependency. If you haven't found an attorney yet, you need to do that ASAP so that you can protect yourself if your husband goes back to prison. The longer you think about what you WANT instead of dealing with what you have the longer you going to be dealing with this. You can do it. You stood up for yourself and your child yesterday and you can do it again today.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The life I have now is destroying me. I feel as if I am dying inside. I thought I was doing a little better but that call yesterday and knowing that my husband will be going to jail, if not prison, has really set me back. I keep telling myself that maybe it will save his life and even possibly our marriage....but it still kills me to know he let it get to this point. And for what?!?

You absolutely did the right thing. How can you even consider it to be good or ok for your son to be exposed to him in his current state??? That is only showing your son some screwed up version of what a dad is supposed to be, not what a real dad is.
Yes Jail may be the best place for him right now. However if he doesn't decide to accept help, and get clean, he won't, and he will continue to lose everything. For most addicts it takes hit rock bottom, really hard to get straight. For others this doesn't even help.

YOU have to stop wasting your energy on how much this hurts, and worrying why he is doing this. The answer is he is an addict. YOU do NOT have to let this define you. YOU can succeed and become stronger, smarter, and braver than you ever imagined. But you have to stop the thought process you are so entrenched in NOW. Get to an Alanon meeting sooner than later.
Get to your local library, and get Codependent no more. Start taking control. Stop worrying about what he thinks. He is broken, and YOU can NOT fix him.

He was clean for almost 10 years (minus alcohol) so what all of a sudden made him start again? Part of me blames the homewrecking whore but I know again, it was HIS choice.

That is not being clean. When you are addicted to substances that change how you feel and think alcohol has to be included with it to consider yourself sober. He was still addicted and using. Accept this fact. The sooner you do the easier the rest of his actions will be to understand.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 188
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