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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a link to the online Alanon groups.

http://www.ola-is.org/


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update on my crazy, messed up mess of a marriage and husband....I had forgot to mention that when I got the truck, he had completely cleaned it out. Except I found a woman's watch, 2 bands and a mans wedding band in the glove compartment. I automatically assumed it was the whores....It was old, cheap and ugly. Of course this bothered me. Well, yesterday, I get a text from a random number. It was my husband saying it was his Moms stuff that she had left in there when he took her to the doctor. Oh and he was texting from his bosses phone. Lie #1 that I know of because at this time, he was at the shop working on his fourwheeler. And I know he isn't working anywhere. So anyway, I read the text wrong and thought he was asking for his whore so I immediately sent back a hateful response...Again he said, it was his moms and she needed them for the funeral. His uncle died on Sunday. And he would text me when he got off so that he could come get them and again said it was his bosses phone. Well I know it wasn't, I am sure he got a cheap phone. Anyway, later on, when our son got home he had a note saying he needed money to go to a field trip today. So I texted that number and told him and asked if he had any for him. He texted back and said "Sorry, I think you have the wrong number." Whatever. How low could he possibly be that he doesn't want HIS WIFE, THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD to have his number?!? Are you kidding me?!

Anyway, yesterday was an awful day for me. The realization that he hates me so much that he doesn't even want me to be able to contact him, kills me. But okay...I deleted the messages and the number so that I won't have it. Oh and last night, his homewrecking whore was driving his dads truck. Guess he is happy to be rid of me, so he probably loves her. Of course, she is a "customer" of his also.

Today is the day that IF a warrant is issued, it should come out today. I will know later on. Not sure what time, but of course I am worried sick. Someone that saw him riding his fourwheeler yesterday, says he has the "meth look". He still says he isn't using, or at least he said that Saturday. But I would bet almost anything that he is. Right now, jail is the only hope he has to get better. And I hate that!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, you really have to TRY to go NO CONTACT with this poisonous man. Please check out the resources that have been given to you.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Up until yesterday, I had had no contact for 4 days. Like I said, I deleted the number he texted from so that I have no way to contact him. If he contacts me again, I have decided to ignore the text.

However, if he gets picked up and taken to jail, I am sure he will try to contact me then. I am sure his whore isn't the type stand by him and support him through jail or prison. I have before but I can't do it again. Especially knowing the only reason he was contacting me is to use me AGAIN.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How could he have walked away and cut ties from us, especially his son, so easily?

I don't understand how he could walk away from his son.

Not to be harsh, but it doesn't matter at this point HOW he walked away from his son. The fact is he DID walk away from his son. That's what selfish people do. You have to take steps now to protect yourself and your son from getting hurt again. Get to the Alanon meeting. Counseling if possible. Get your financial info in order. Get tested for STDs. See an attorney for a consult.

I just feel that he will blame me for not protecting him, not saving him

Again, not to be harsh, but who gives a flying fuck what he blames you for?! YOU know that you did the best you could do in this situation. YOU know that his A was due to his brokenness and nothing you did. YOU know you were an awesome wife and mother to his son. YOU know you are not to blame. AND it was not and has never been your job to save him- that's something only he can do.

My ex STILL blames me for his A. He blames me for filing for divorce and ending the marriage. He blames me for alllll the problems in our marriage. Do you think I give a crap how he feels? NO! He's wrong, plain and simple. Just like yours. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I did the best I could, just like you.

(((BBM&DS)))


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he is definitely very selfish and I don't think you are being harsh. It is my reality right now, no matter how harsh or awful it is.

I know it shouldn't matter if he blames me but I just feel like he will. And in the back of my head, I think if he is blaming me, then he won't want me when he is better. I know I need to quit thinking like that and just be DONE. And in all honesty, after everything he has said and done, anyone in their right mind would be done. I should say FUCK YOU and be done. I know the blaming everyone else for HIS mistakes is an addict mentality.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking he won't want you when he is 'better'... what if YOU don't want him? That really is the most likely scenario.

Look, this man is messed up and requires many, many years of work ON HIMSELF (you don't work on him, you work on you) before he is going to be 'better' or any kind of husband material.

He is an addict. He is on parole and could quite possibly be facing more prison time for not following the rules. He isn't contributing to his son's life in any way, not emotionally or financially. He has lost his job. And this doesn't even speak of the crap he has done to you.

Why do you want him again?


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is all out of my hands now, I guess it always has been. A warrant has been issued. It shows on the website that he is "Wanted-Out of Custody". Nothing more I can do now....if there was ever anything I could do.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think this is the best thing that could happen to him. He will be forced to stop using. His head will clear. He will be able to think without the drugs clouding his thoughts.

I know..it sucks when they go to jail. My little sister is there now. heroin. She OD'd twice. Better jail than dead..right? ALWAYS!

If he is mad at you, so what? he'll get over it. He chose to leave..it's not your fault he violated his parole.

If it's an option, don't bond him out.

I think this will be what saves your marriage. Whore won't wait around..she'll do as whores do and find someone else's husband to fuck with.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's an option, don't bond him out.

He needs to get clean so he can make some clear headed choices.

If he doesn't do that, then he was never the man you believed he was and can let go.

If he does, and still wants the drugs, then you know there is nothing you could do to help him either.

If he gets clean, and realizes what he is losing, he may just actually face the hard stuff, and do the work. Let him stay there, get clean, and hopefully save your M.

IN the meantime you need to get yourself together, and get yourself out of your codependent thinking, and start healing yourself. This I'm going to die without this addict in my life attitude is only causing you harm, and destroying any sense of normalcy for your son.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 7:58 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As bad as it hurts, I agree that this may be the best option for him. Hopefully, it is enough to open his eyes and even if it doesn't save our marriage, maybe it WILL save his life. Maybe getting him away from the negative influences, including his whore, friends, alcohol and drugs is what he needs tos see how much he has thrown away. And maybe not. Either way, I may be a different person when he gets out. I agree with you, Confused615...jail is better than dead. Hopefully, your sister is getting the help she needs too.

There is no doubt in my mind that his whore will NOT wait around. His so called friends won't be there either. They weren't before. I was. Not even his family was there for him before. Only me.

Bailing him out will not be an option. Even if I wanted to, I can't. And my family definitely won't. He will have to do some time. I don't know how much for sure, but he will do something. It is heartbreaking to say the least.

However, I did get started on an antidepressant yesterday. I know it will take a little while to get into my system but I am hopeful. I just want the tears to end. I would love to be numb.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been arrested.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BBM)))

Concentrate on you and your DS, honey. Stop worrying about him. It's okay to grieve but you also need to figure out how you're going to move forward and protect yourself and your DS.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't your H know that this would happen? Of course he did but, he chose to ignore the responsibility to check in with his PO just has he chosen to ignore the his responsibilities to his family. I can understand how it must hurt but, you have got to try to step back from this and see it for what it is. He is having to face the consequences for his actions. You have nothing to do with that. It is not your problem. You should not feel responsible for protecting him. He is a man! He is supposed to be protecting you and your son!

Now you are grieving that someone is holding him accountable. This man has you under a spell. I get the sense that if he were to call right now you would welcome him home with open arms and treat him like the king he is. You know what he will learn from that? I can be irresponsible and wreckless but, BBM loves me sooooo much she can't live without me so she will always take me back.

No, no, no! You have got to figure out how to build a life for you and your son where you can be free of his addict antics. You will never be enough as long as his addiction is alive and well.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really worried about how this will affect him. He hasn't been acting like himself and I am really afraid this will really hurt him. We live in a small area and everyone knows what his Dad has been doing. Now they will know he is in jail. I don't know what to do.

He was picked up from her house, in bed with her. I hope he realizes what he lost and gets the help he needs. I don't expect to hear from him for awhile. But at least I know where he is and that he is safe.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is all out of my hands now, I guess it always has been.

When you accept this, you move so far along. You only control yourself. Others are not your responsibility. Letting them figure it out on their own is the most loving thing you can do for them and for you. Stop worrying about him and bring your focus back to you. You can do it.

(((BaseballMom)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do? You control what you can control. Which is YOU.

Take control of the things you can today. Stop getting overwhelmed with what you 'can't' do and start focusing on what you 'can' do!

What can you do? You can get to an alanon meeting. You can do something for you and your son.

You didn't put him in jail. He made all his own choices that put him there. That was out of your control too.

Take some deep breaths and make a list. What do YOU want that has nothing to do with him. Just YOU.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear BBM,

You keep repeating the phrase "if he only knows/realizes how much he's lost".

This is none of your concern. Who gives a flying fuck if he knows what he's lost? He CHOSE to do this so whatever it is you think he's "lost" he never really cared about it in the first place.

Let him go. He is a car wreck waiting to happen. And you are not Mother Teresa to lift him out of this hole he's got himself in.

Your whole focus now should be on getting out of this toxic relationship, getting counseling for you and your son, and getting healthy.

Stop focusing on what he's lost. He. Doesn't. Care.

Bitch Boots on and protect your son.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is upsetting. If I were you I'd divert my attention to the task of figuring out how you and your son will survive financially. You may find yourself better off because drugs and alcohol are expensive. You will actually have better control of your own fate now.

I am curious about one thing. If he has no phone and you have no contact with him. How do you know the circumstances of his arrest?


Posts: 389 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very concerned about how we are going to survive financially. I have actually applied at few places for a 2nd job. I do think that I will be okay financially after the next few months. I just have to get back on my feet. He left me with NOTHING.

Actually, the officer that arrested him is a family friend. That is why he was arrested so quickly after the warrant was issued. He notified my Dad after he had taken him to the jail. I have also been checking the website for information about him since I found out the warrant was issued.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
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