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Newest Member: feelostandlonely (45327)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had to know it was coming. He knew that he was racking up violation after violation and he knew that by not going to his PO visit, it would happen. I just think he is in such a low spot, he doesn't care. I guess that is why I think that he will realize what he has lost. He will get the meds he needs in prison/jail and will take them like he is supposed too. He will not be drinking or doing the drugs. Then maybe that will open his eyes.

It is time to focus on me and our son. He is going to need me now more than ever.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, what will you do when he sobers up and calls you and wants to make things right? He's so sorry for the pain he has caused you and all he wants to do is take care of your beautiful child and even though he knows he can never really fix it, try to make it up to you for the pain he caused you when he was being so selfish/stupid/high? He promises he has been going to meetings and realized how much his actions hurt you and he prays that you will forgive him because you are the only one he has ever really loved?

Because THAT is going to happen and you need to figure out what you will do when it does. Your comment about jail will "maybe open his eyes" tells me that when that call comes, you will be right there for him until the next time he fucks you over.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are broke, by all of this please please please reach out to resources for help. Contact your utilities, and ask them temporary assistance/help/bill forgiveness for one month.

Reach out to food banks, if you aren't spending money on groceries it helps free up more money than you realize.

Reach out to Catholic Charities, Lutheran Family Services, and others for assistance. Even the United Way, all of them have resources for financial assistance, and trust me they want to give the money to someone who is actually helping themselves. Check with your employer to see if they have any type of IEP, or emergency services available to support you as well.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WeepingBuddhist....excellent question...right now, yes I want him to make that call. But I really don't expect it for awhile. He is going to be mad and be blaming me for HIS mistakes. I do think it WILL happen, I just don't know when. But then again, it may never happen. All I know is the longer it takes him to wake up, the stronger I will be. Maybe IF/WHEN he makes the call, I won't be here. I won't be waiting for him.

But right now, even after all of the pain he has caused, I can't say that. I still haven't found those "bitch boots" everyone has told me to find. I am still too hurt. I will get there...I think.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please get yourself connected to Alanon. There are online options if you can't attend a meeting in person. If you can't take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your child?


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't take calls from jail,or prison. I suspect you know this, but they are very, very expensive

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really worried about how this will affect him.

He is facing the consequences of his own actions. Everything he is experiencing is a direct result of his choices.

What about your BBM? How about how this is all affecting your child? What about you? Don't you matter?


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to get angry? Think about the pain your son is in. You're an adult...and while you are confused and hurting,imagine how terribly confused and scared your little boy is. He has cried himself sleep. Because his father has walked away from him. Forget the fact that he is your husband...this man had more or less abandoned your son. This man has broken your child's heart. He has taken his sense of security, and his family, and blown his world to shit.

There is where you will find your anger. I understand you can't get mad because of how he has treated you(you'll get there)...but the way he has treated your little boy is inexcusable. Fuck that shit.


You can't control how anyone feels about him going to jail. This is a direct consequence of his shitty behavior. This is the best thing that could have happened.

He will call. Please don't give into him right away. His brain is still on drugs..anything he says for the first few weeks will be bullshit. He will love bomb you. You need to be strong, hold him accountable. Don't cave.

You can do this.


You asked about my sister. She will be in prison until late next year. She overdosed last June..and it caused a stroke. She is 22, and will walk with a limp for the rest of her life. And after the overdose and stroke, she went right back to using until she was arrested. She was on house arrest when she overdosed. She is 18 years younger than me and more like my first child than my sister. I hate that she is there..but she was going to die otherwise. You need to get to a place in your heart where you understand this...his going to prison...May have saved his life. I hope he gets clean, for your son's sake.

Bitch boots. He has torn your son's heart out..who cares why? The result is the same.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7676 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Piping up to support what the others have said. My story...my brother was a heroin addict. Until my mother could NO LONGER HELP HIM, he continued his downward spiral. She couldn't afford to bail him out, couldn't fix his mistakes, etc. Then, only then, was he forced to take a good look at what he was doing. He, too, blamed everyone else, especially my mother. She WAS a terrible person, but it didn't stop me and my sisters from living productive lives.

The result of her NOT helping him, NOT being there for him? He has been clean and sober since 1997 after using drugs for many years. He is active in NA and a role model for so many people. I'm proud to be his sister.

I know it will be hard, but DON'T take those calls. For the sake of all of you. He has to hit rock bottom.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3648 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bbmom I hope you are feeling a tiny bit stronger today. Make a list of 5 things to do to get your life stable and be the parent you son deserves.
(((And strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called today. He is in a diagnostic center in our area. My son answered and took the call. We do have an account set up, from before, so the calls are prepaid. He still has money on there.

He was very upset, which surprises me. I didn't expect him to call this soon. I figured he was mad and blaming me. He is worried about a home plan. I told him to use his whores. She was good enough to leave his family for, she should be good enough to do that. He thinks he will be there for at least a month before he sees the parole board and then probably only a month after that. That won't be enough to get his head straight.

Of course, by the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. Sure he does now, he needs me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's using you.

That by itself should be enough for you to get angry.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he is, at this point he needs a homeplan. He will see the parole board within a month and without that, he will not be released. His parents apartment will not pass. He has no where else to go. Again, he expects me to come to the rescue.

However, I am proud of myself. He called last night to talk to our son. (Which by the way, he has talked to him more now that he is in prison than the entire time he was screwing his whore!) After talking to him, he asked if I wanted to talk to him. As hard as it was, I said "No, I don't have anything to say to him." Hopefully, I can keep up that strength and he will really start to think about things.

His old boss found out today and called to check on us. He said he had been noticing some changes in him as well in the last month. I guess everyone but me could see it. I went to the library today and got a few books that have been recommended. One I found that wasn't but I have really gotten interested in sounds just like me. The codependency, the constant need for communication with him, among many other things.

Yesterday was really hard for me. His dad was really showing his ass and threatening to call the cops on me and take me to court over different things that I have at our house. A tv, a power washer, a washing machine...things that my husband brought to our home. As if I need his crazy drunken ranting on top of everything else.

It just seems to be one thing on top of another...I got paid today...and had to pay real estate taxes out of that. So I have less than $100 left to make it through the month. Another day in paradise...I am taking an antidepressant. I haven't noticed any changes yet but it has only been a few days. On a positive note, I have lost 18.5 pounds. I am almost at my drivers license weight!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep up the good work on the NC. You are sounding stronger and that's good. If you are totally broke financially have tried any of the things that have been suggested?
I know I couldn't make on $100.00 for a month just between gas and groceries.

Please reach out to those resources. You need help accept it.

Start planning on what you are going to do in the near future.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO proud of you BBM! Find your anger and let it guide you to detach from your need for him. He has totally disrespected you and walked away from any responsibility he has for his own family. Now, he has no one else to turn to and, this is where the rubber meets the road. Please don't take him back in hopes of showing him that you are the better person. I promise he will not see the goodness of your heart. All he will see is that he can shit all over you and, you will just wipe it off and apologize for being between him and the toilet.

No more excuses for bad behavior. More than likely, your boy will have to deal with his addict father for many, many years and he needs for you to show him that he can love his dad but, doesn't have to accept shitty behavior from him.

I'm so glad you made that trip to the library! It tells me that you know that this is what you need to do. Reach out to the resources that Tushnurse outlined for you. Sometimes just a little relief can make all the difference to keep you going! Come on girl! You can do this!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have more strength then you can begin to imagine. Keep finding it.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength and peace to you. I really am proud of you. Take it day by day and keep chugging on.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1066 | Registered: Dec 2013
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing great, by refusing to speak to him. A very wise woman here, told me that no contact = no new pain. That really helped me!

Please avail yourself to all the resources available to you. Attend alanon meetings, post here, read the healing library.

I know how deep the pain of betrayal is. I spent many mornings, literally on the floor, rolled up in a ball, wondering how could I get through the pain. I did. All I had to do was breath through the pain. Nothing more. Trust that you possess an inner core of strength that will get you through this.

Listen to your husband's actions, not his words. I found that my STBX's words were lies.

Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone!

((hugs))


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really trying to be strong. Or at least put on a strong front for my son. I am getting out of the house, even though it is the ABSOLUTE last thing I want to do. My birthday is Thursday and we had so many plans. It is going to be awful and then the holiday.

I hate this. But I know what I need to do. If not for me, but for our son. At this point, I don't know if I am strong enough to NOT let him come home. Luckily, I have at least a month, if not longer to really think about things. We both have some serious reevaulating to do.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you let him come home he gets to bypass any consequences for inflicting so much pain on you and your son. Nothing. What reason would he have to not to do it again should someone else come along and catch his eye?

Let him get his shit together and PROVE to you that he can be a good partner and father. That won't happen in a months time. He needs to have the gift a long time to sit in some of the pain, misery and uncertainty that he finds himself in so that he MAY have an incentive to never put himself in that position again.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
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