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User Topic: Destroyed
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quit questioning what you have done, or have not done. This is not because of anything you did or did not do.

He is broken, and has chosen not to fix himself. It's that simple. It isn't because he didn't love you enough, it's because he can't love you.
He is an addict. He is the only one that can fix that.

My whole body hurts. I still can't sleep and I can't eat. I feel like I am dying inside

Call your Dr. Let them know what's going on. You may benefit from a little pharmaceutical support right now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Twotimesucker
♂ New Member
Member # 43013
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ladies here have given you some excellent advice, I strongly suggest you continue to take it.

The only thing I want to say is that, I completely know what it feels like to have your life ripped away from you by the person you trusted the most. You will NOT die inside, you WILL recover, and yes, the sun will come up tomorrow. Unfortunately, your situation dictates that you act swiftly, and grieve later. Do what the smart women here are telling you, put on your bitch boots, and use em!


Me BS-45
Her WW-36
D-Day3/31/14
Working towards R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baseballmom, please know that you are doing an incredible job of handling all the advice youve been given and stepping up to the plate to protect yourself and your son! I know all too well the pain you are in but, you have to know that your son is watching you and, he is taking notes on setting boundaries, demanding accountability, assuming responsibility in times of crisis, etc. All good stuff. I feel truly blessed that I was not forced to show my true colors under fire while my children were young.

Moving thru this is like trying to swim thru quicksand with both of your legs cuts off. The pain is so great that we can't see the small things going on around us. Please try to remember to hug that little boy and make sure he knows its going to be ok. They are so innocent in all of this and can tend to feel that it might have been something they have done to cause all of this. This is such a tender age so think about what he absolutely needs to know and try to spare him of having to deal with all the adult emotions that he hasnt had time to develop yet. He knows that you are in crisis mode and, he will need some extra reassurance that his life isn't going to be the next to go over the cliff.

Hang in there. You are doing great even if you can't feel it yet.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where you live or the laws wherever you live. But can you report the truck stolen?

If he chooses to be a parole violator, you will be formally separated for X length of time. Since OW has your truck, it's just too bad you can't visit while he's locked,up, isn't it? Or maybe you had to sell it due to bad memories.

MC isn't high on the prison agenda,,so that opportunity is missing in action, too.

You have to live your life, but I doubt many would choose to remain with a WH whose appearance in your life was randomly voluntarily interrupted or involuntarily interrupted. And such is hardly stable,for,your child.

Think about your future.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should stop communicating with him. You don't need anything from him to file. Borrow the money for the filing fee if need be, but stop telling him what your doing and what your feeling. File and then have him served. There will be no question what you are doing once he's been served. Im sorry to say this, but he is not worth the tears you are crying. Who cares if he chose her?Who would want him? Let her have him. I see him as nothing but a legal, physical and emotional liability to you and your child. Walk though this open door and don't look back.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am trying extremely hard to take it and do what is best. Yesterday was really hard on me. I was just sitting in the chair, thinking. NO tears and my innocent little boy said "Mom, you look sad. We are going to be okay with or without my Dad. You just have to do what I do and try not to think." That absolutely broke my heart. But then it got worse. That strong little boy made himself a fort using blankets and went inside and completely broke down. I have NEVER heard him crying, sobbing and screaming like that. It took me over 40 minutes to calm him down and get him to come out. That was with the help of MY dad, a REAL dad. I broke down and texted my husband, I told him exactly what was going on. It took him almost an hour to respond. That broke my heart even more.

He finally did call him last night, hours after. He talked to him for about 30 minutes. Of course, my son asked when he was coming home. He told him he didn't know, he needs to talk to me today. My son asked if he wanted to talk to me then and he said no. He just doesn't have the balls to tell him. I have told my son that I don't think he will be coming home. I have tried to tell him as much as the truth as I can, all while still protecting him.

I am trying to be strong in front of him. I have to. I cry myself to sleep. I cry in the shower. I cry all the way to and from work. But I am doing my damndest to dry the tears when he is around. It isn't easy. But I hate myself for letting him see this. For putting him through this.

I just want my husband and my family back. Stupid? Maybe, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. My family is all against it. My friends are against it. I really don't think it matters because at this point, I don't think he wants to come back. I know I need to stop all communication with him. But it is so hard....I just need him. My son needs him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"need him".? Need what exactly? You need air and food and water. You don't need him. You are addicted to him and every communication brings its own high. It's hard as heck to break that addiction, but break it you must by going cold turkey.

You've taken care of him for the last 10 years, now you must give yourself permission to let him take care of himself. You must step up and be th stable parent for your kid. Right now your kid has none. You see what it's done to him, you must be the mom he so desperately needs now.

I'm so sorry. It isn't fair, it isn't pleasant, and it will never go back to "normal". And if being his mother hen is normal then someday you will be glad he fired you form the job of being his nursemaid.

I'm glad you have your dads support. Keep putting one step in front of the other. Early days are horrible, but they get better as you get distance.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Feb 2011
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean this as a two by four hit, but to me it looks like you are a victim of what I call "Leader of the Pack" mentality. He might be the classic bad boy that some women find irresistible. And you might be that type of woman, believing against all evidence that your love for him will change and redeem him.

It won't happen. He has chosen his lifestyle, and a stable, loving home has no allure to him.

No matter what you do, no matter how many times you explain yourself by saying "but I love him" or "you don't know him like I do, he's really a god person", he is wired to live his life the way he wants to. And you cannot change that. A pit bull is never going to be a lap dog or even a retriever. He isn't going to be a stable, loving husband and father.

Have you started to read the Healing Library? It's above Dr. Phil' s smiling face in the left hand column. You are not the first person on this earth to have a spouse like yours. Read and heed. Some have gotten past the mess you find yourself in.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did you call him BBM? What were you hoping would happen? That your WS would suddenly realize he has a loving family that misses him and run back to you?

Not.

Going.

To.

Happen.

All you did with that phone call was to legitimize his actions to himself. It showed him you are a weak, crying, woman and he is SO MUCH BETTER OFF without you and with his current OW.

Stop it. Stop it NOW.

Don't EVER do the "pick me" dance.

Stop telling your son what is going on in the marriage. You are using him as your soft place to fall and that is not his job. YOU are his parent, and YOU need to be strong for him.

Stop this crying. It isn't getting you anywhere and it's upsetting your son.

We've given you advise and it's time you find those Bitch Boots you have in the back of your closet and put them on.

Stop crying. Your marriage as you knew it is over.

Go see a lawyer and learn what to expect. Knowledge is power.

You have a son to protect. Find that mamma bear within you and let her roar.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6603 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called him because his son was begging and crying for his dad. I was at a super low point, I had been trying my hardest NOT to text or call him. But I think he needs to know what he is doing to his child. Who cares what he has done to me?! HIS CHILD should be number one in his life NO MATTER WHAT. I thought by talking to him, it would calm my sweet, innocent little boy down. I haven't told him what is going on in the marriage, just that his dad has problems and it is not our fault. His dad is doing things that are not right and I never want him to feel that he is to blame for him walking out. I didn't tell him that he has a new whore or that we don't matter enough to answer the phone. I will NEVER say anything bad about him to my son. He is still and always will be his father, rather or not he is MY husband. I want my husband to hear the pain that I am hearing from that little boy. I want him to open his damn eyes so bad. No this is not the husband I want, but I believe in him. I believe in the person he was. I can't help that. God, how I wish I could. I wish I could turn off these feelings. I wish I could find my bitch boots. If I could only get mad, I could begin to heal. I can't. I don't know why. This isn't me, this isn't my normal behavior. Before him, I would have never stood for this kind of treatment. Before I became so crazy in love with him. I need help. I know that. I need help to realize that this is not okay. Because right now, at this point, if he would just come home, I would do my damndest to let it go. Please don't tell me I am stupid or naive....because I know that. He has chose a new life. So why can't I?

I appreciate all of the advice and I really am trying to do what everyone is suggesting. I have turned off the tears, the best that I can. I am working. I am trying to keep my mind off things. But all I can think about at night is him laying next to her. Him telling her all the things he told me. The images won't go away, no matter how much I try.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No BBM.....your WS does not need to know what he is doing to his son.

He abdicated that role.

Have you considered checking with your doctor to see about getting some sleeping meds?

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6603 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All along my husband has told me that "it's not really like that" with HER. Yesterday, I finally got a grain of truth...maybe. I don't know. He told me that the job he has been trying to get, he is only getting it because of HER stepdad. Did he come out and say that is why he is with her? No, but that is what he was getting at. That is still not okay. He doesn't get that. We have struggled for years because of his dead end job, and now he is going to get a good one? How is that fair?

I finally had the courage to tell him to stop contacting me and I will do the same to him. I will leave him alone. He has had numerous chances to come home and attempt to right his wrong. He doesn't want to. It is hard for me. But something has to change. What I am doing is not working. It is taking it's toll on my health. I am the only parent left, obviously.

He took some old air conditioner units out of the garage while I was at work to scrap for money. I had someone who was going to buy those because he left me WITHOUT A DIME. That really bothers me. Everything really bothers me.

It is so hard for me not to text him EVERY TIME something crosses my mind. But I have to stop. Maybe that will give him the wake up he needs.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BBMom))))

You will get through this. So if he is getting this job that is going to be so much better, is he going to pass the drug screen?? I doubt it.

One thing you have to learn to accept immediately is that YOU CANNOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH. He is a liar, and cheater, he is thinking and acting like an addict. Do not allow him to suck you into his drama.

That is awful that he stole to get money. What doe he need it for? He is only thinking of himself, not you and certainly not his son.

You are in dire straits right now it sounds like. Not a dime to your name, no support, and addict spouse who is stealing from you. This is abuse.

Please do a few things to ensure you and your sons well being.
1. Contact the local womens shelter. They don't care if you haven't been beaten to a bloody pulp. They exist to help women at all levels of abuse. Things they can help you with include but are not limited to.
Emergency funds
Food banks
Legal representation
Finding work to support you and your son (if you are not working).
Working with utility companies to prevent them from being shut off because you can't pay the bills right now.

Seriously. These people are there to help. Let them.

If you are unwilling to do this, at least Google food banks, if you can get a weeks worth of groceries its one less worry. Food is expensive.

It's time to reach out to family and friends as well, and ask for their support and help.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know how you can tell when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving. Trust me, I'm married to one, too. Is there an Al-anon chapter near you? The people there understand. You can get such wisdom there. And it is time, past time really, to focus on fixing you. You are the only person you can fix. Not him. He has to fix himself, and he has to be willing. He is obviously not willing yet. Maybe someday, but not now.
You have received great advice here. Even if you heart isn't in it, go through the motions. Get your power back. Take back your car and your life. You deserve more than this and he can't give it to you. You have to give yourself the life you want.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, I do know that almost everything he has said in the last month, if not longer, is a lie. However, I can't help but WANT to believe him. I just can't get mad. I know I should but I am looking for every possible excuse and making excuses for his behavior. I don't know how to make that stop. I really don't.

On the positive side, or negative in my eyes...he hasn't contacted me at all today. I haven't texted him either. I know I told him not to, but I really hoped he would. I really hoped he would wake up. Wishful thinking, I know.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No contact with him will only help you to get stronger.

If you expose yourself to him in your fragile state, his words will confuse and manipulate, and even though you know this in your brain, it's hard to make your heart believe it.

Concentrate on you. Concentrate on your son.
Start getting your ducks in a row, and take care of what needs to be taken care of.

He is not going to save you. He is not going to save himself at this point. It is up to you to show your son what a strong, healthy woman is.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change the locks on your house (or add additional locks that he doesn't have a key to). If he is using and needs money, he will take things to sell.

Change the garage door opening code.

He ABANDON your family. He left. He has no more rights at your home. Didn't he take his stuff already? Then there is no reason he should be there.


Get an appointment with your doctor for STDs and look into something to help with the depression.

You are right, you need to find your anger. Make a list of all the shit that has been going on. Just the facts, not what you wish were happening and don't make any excuses for him. I'll start:

He left. Said he went to his moms, he didn't.
He didn't contact me and didn't return my texts or calls.
He was gone for 16 days.
He came home and acted as if nothing happened.

Now its your turn. Keep going on that list - you'll find that anger.

File for divorce. You don't have to go through with it (if he changes his ways), but the act of filing will give you some legal protection.

TAKE HIS NAME OFF YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Sep 2010
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, I hope you can take care of yourself and your child this weekend. Weekends are often the most difficult time. Be kind to yourself. The man to whom you are married is toxic to your happiness and well-being.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My weekend was horrible. All week long, my husband has asked about seeing our son on Father's Day. Of course that didn't happen but I am getting ahead of the story...

On Saturday, I wake up to 18 text messages. His little whore had posted a picture of them together on facebook. That devastated me and pissed me off. I sent him a message telling him off and telling him to come get EVERYTHING out of my house. As of now, all he really has is some clothes. SHE messaged me back telling me what a happy couple they are...blah blah blah....by the afternoon, I had backed down on making him come get his things. He did finally answer some much needed questions. He told me that he is not in love with me anymore, he is in love with her. This started after Supercross...MARCH 29TH! It has been going on almost 3 months. We had a fight, I don't even remember what about! And that, I guess was the beginning of the end of our marriage. Looking back, I guess I should have seen more signs.

He called my son on Sunday. Didn't visit him, just called him. All I heard about all day was "my dad, my dad". It absolutely breaks my heart. He wanted to text him good night last night. Of course, no response. Today, I hear that one of her friends is talking about how much her daughter loves him. Yeah, his son loves him too. And I'm sure that his whores kids would love to spend time with THEIR mom, too. Doesn't anyone realize how many people they are hurting? Innocent children.

I told him that he has to meet me TODAY to get all of his things out of the house. As long as they are there, I have hope he will be coming home. That is still what I want more than anything. I can make him love me again. I stil think he needs help.

He doesn't want to get his things out, he needs that home address for parole. I'm sure he also wants to keep me hanging on. The fun and partying will end. He will want his family, his life, his home.

I am so heartbroken. It was so hard to hear him say he doesn't love me. He loves someone else. How do I recover from this?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You pick yourself up, and you take a deep breath.
Then you tell yourself, that you can do nothing to change this. You did NOTHING wrong, he is a broken man. He is doing you a favor and he is doing his son a favor at this point. He doesn't need to grow up with a an addict in the home.

You pull yourself together, if for no other reason than to be the strong positive parent for your child. You are not a doormat, do not allow yourself to be one.

Hefty bag his shit, and text him that he has until 8 pm the following day to get it. If it's still there after that it's going to Salvation Army.
Add locks to the home.
Call his parole officer and let him know that he is no longer residing in your home.
Not telling this person is enabling him to do what he wants and damn the consequences to everyone. NOT OK.

Get good and angry. Use that anger to make some changes to protect yourself and your child.

Do it NOW. Do it TODAY.

You will feel better when you start acting.
(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 188
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