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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU ARE ENOUGH!!! I know it is hard to hear people say derogatory things about someone you love. Understand that everyone on SI is here because someone they love has betrayed them.

Your husband has a weakness that he does not seem to be able to fight. He has found someone that makes him feel okay with his decision to be weak. It would not matter if you were a cover model that every man in America was after. He would still want the person that doesn't make him want to work to be a better man.

I have just gotten to the stage of true anger for the injustice of it all. He has devastated you and left you to pick up all the pieces and still take care of things for him. Doesn't it make you really mad that he has done that to you! Doesn't it anger you even more for what your son is dealing with? He not only knows that his father had hurt his mother badly, but he hurts because he can't make his mom feel better. That is a lot of mental anguish for a child. Be strong for him!! I know this sounds weird, and I do not mean it in an unhealthy or violent way, but find your anger for the situation he has put you in. Let that help you have the strength to move through this part of the process until you have the luxury of time later to really take stock of everything that you feel.


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really wish I could get mad. I have my moments. I was so mad that he would allow someone to post pictures of him with another woman on a social sight. Knowing that he had just left his family A WEEK AGO, knowing that his WIFE and son were sitting home miserable, knowing that so many people were seeing that. He says he didn't know she was, of course. I know why she did it, she wanted me to see it. She wanted me to know she won. SHE has MY husband. He should have never been in that position to begin with. He says he fell out of love with me after he was with her. And he wasn't out looking. IT JUST HAPPENED. It should have NEVER "just happened." I am so hurt. I am so betrayed.

But that anger fades so fast. And the hurt takes over again. I WANT TO BE MAD. I WANT TO HATE HIM. I WANT THEM TO HURT AS BAD AS WE ARE. But more than all of that, I WANT MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME.

I want to do all of the things that everyone is advising. Call his po, take the truck, put extra locks on the doors, everything. BUT the stupid in me doesn't want to make HIM mad. HE left ME, HE is with SOMEONE ELSE and I don't want to make HIM mad. What is my problem?! What is wrong with me?!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he fell out of love with me after he was with her. And he wasn't out looking. IT JUST HAPPENED. It should have NEVER "just happened." I am so hurt. I am so betrayed.

It just happened because she can let him be an addict. He is choosing because he is broken, and only he can fix this. He will only fix this when he hits bottom.
I get you are hurting, and feel awful, and are destroying yourself with the coulda woulda shoulda's, but sister that does no one any good, especially you.
I WANT TO BE MAD. I WANT TO HATE HIM. I WANT THEM TO HURT AS BAD AS WE ARE. But more than all of that, I WANT MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME.

You don't have to hate him, you can want him to come home, but you also have to know that you don't want him being this person he is being now. You are allowing fear to drive your actions. Don't. You can do this.

I want to do all of the things that everyone is advising. Call his po, take the truck, put extra locks on the doors, everything. BUT the stupid in me doesn't want to make HIM mad. HE left ME, HE is with SOMEONE ELSE and I don't want to make HIM mad. What is my problem?! What is wrong with me?!

You have been with a dry addict for quite some time, and have fallen into the codependent trap, and roll.
You are heartbroken, scared, and overwhelmed. That is why you can't do the things you need to.
If you have family or friends that are supportive, reach out to them, let them help you through this. If not, you have to do it on your own. Try to box up the emotions, and do the things you have to do right now, and then worry about dealing with the emotions after.

Also read up on the 180, that is 100% for you. No communication with this man unless it's about finances or your son, and those communications should be limited to written, factual stuff, not emotions. This protects you from being exposed to any further pain or manipulations from him.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what I just discovered? I have always been the passive peace maker. I never want to rock the boat. I never wanted to make my husband mad at me because I thought that would make him leave.

I have found out that losing my temper and telling him how much he hurt me; how mad I am and that I am ready to leave the marriage behind me has put me in the driver's seat. Part of the hurt stored inside us is the anger at our spouse for the betrayal. GET IT OUT!!

Do not misunderstand me...I have been married 29 years to a wonderful husband and father. But midlife crisis hit him hard and his choice with how to deal with it was a betrayal.

You have to find the way to be okay with you. You will continue to hurt...some days worse than others. I have found that writing down my thoughts, like you did in the post above, helps me find how pissed I am that the WS is putting us through this hell. What gave them the right to cross the line and just chose something different. In all honesty that person is not the person we really love.

My husband is almost groveling at my feet. This is a first in the 34 years we have been together...I mean the first time!! It is helping me realize I had lost myself somewhere along the way.


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WANT MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME.

You want this guy or the guy you thought you were married to?

He has done nothing but disrespect you. He let his girlfriend text you - how? Did he give her your number or did he give her his phone? He allowed that to happen knowing how much it would hurt you.

He isn't coming home, not the man you were married to. Everything is changed now. You have the opportunity to show him and her just what kind of person you are by standing up and not taking their crap. Put his stuff out. Don't answer his calls or texts. See a lawyer to find out your rights.

By the way, not communicating with him gets his attention faster than sitting there begging him to talk to you does.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that and I am doing my best NOT to text him. It is hard. But I need him to know that I am okay, rather it is true or not.

Do I think he loves her? No. He loves the freedom, the lack of responsibilities and what she can offer him now. I can't offer that, nor would I want to. Do I think he will want to come home? Yes. It may not be today, tomorrow or even next month. But he will. And I hope at that time, I am strong enough to say NO, you made your choice. Maybe if some drastic changes are made...but he doesn't want that. RIGHT NOW.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry...but what is the 180? I don't see anything about that in The Healing Library. Thanks.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HiBaseballMom31. Very sorry that you are in this situation. I know how painful it can be. Here is some info on the 180. Have you also seen these other links? Some of them may be useful for you in looking at your own situation:

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. You may not need it now but should know what it is. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I have begin to find my "bitch boots" as many have told me I need to. Yesterday, everything was different. I stood my ground. I told him that I will be getting an eviction notice, I will be filing for divorce and I will be calling the loan company to come and get the truck. I told him he needs help. I managed to do all of this without tears.

He is different. He seems to be realizing that he is at rock bottom. He told me that he isn't happy with his choice, he would rather be with his family than her, among many other things. Maybe he is just telling me this things. I don't know. I want to believe he means them. I am in the process of trying to get him to get the help he needs. Get his meds right, take them right and get clean. I want him to check into a stress unit. We will see, I guess. For now, I am okay.

Instead of telling me these things, he needs to show me. Again, I guess we will see what happens next. I want my husband. I want my marriage. I want my family. But it has to be on MY terms now. He may just be telling me what he thinks I need to hear to keep hanging on. In all reality, that is probably true. But the man I was talking to yesterday was a lot closer to the man I married.

On a positive note, I have not cried since yesterday. I am still hurt but right now, I am hopeful. Maybe that is destructive....but....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang on to that strength.
That was empowering when you laid down the law. He reacted in a way you wanted.

REMEMBER THAT when you want to do the pick me dance again.

YOU also need to really think long and hard about why you want your husband, and your family. I say this because I see a ton of dysfunction from him, and a lifetime of problems and him half assing his way through, and making you be the saver/caregiver role. Is this really what is best?
Other than you loving him, why do you want him?

Is he a good provider? (not right now I am betting)
Does he do an awesome job as a dad? (no way, cause he is thinking and acting like an addict)
Is fear of change and the unknown the driving force?
If it is you have to really reevaluate what you are afraid of and how you can change it.

Many many many of us stay, and want the old M back because of Fear. But for at least half of us, it isn't the healthy, or smart choice.

Remember what he says means nothing. You have to watch his actions. It's easy to say the things you want to hear, and being so anxious to have him back you are going to want to believe him, but remember - his words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crying is OK. Wanting to things to go back to how they were is OK. Being afraid is OK. Keep taking care of yourself and please don't listen to a word he says. His ACTIONS are not those of someone who cares about you or your well-being.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying....trying so hard to hold on to the strength. But to be honest, it is fading fast. I guess I had my hopes up. I thought I would hear from him today. I haven't. I guess I knew that he was just telling me what I needed to hear to calm me down. It worked. I didn't pack up his things and put them outside like I threatened. I am sure he knew that. He knew what he was doing. He has control.

Before this all started, I had an amazing husband and our son had an amazing dad. Yes, he struggled with addiction. But since our son was born in 2004, it hasn't reared it's ugly head like now. I would LOVE to have that man back. But I don't know if it is possible. If he even wants to come back. That changes from day to day. He tells me one thing, but does another. Yes, his actions speak louder than words.

Wanting him back the way he is now, is NOT healthy or smart. But I know that he CAN be a good husband, he CAN be a good father. I want THAT.

I had hope this morning and last night. I hoped he had realized what he was losing, what he was throwing away. I was wrong. I sent him one last message this morning, telling him the game was over. We had to figure this out NOW, TODAY. I told him if I didn't hear from him or something hadn't changed today then I would move on with the things I said yesterday. Now, to just get the strength to actually do those things. Please pray for me and my son. We desperately need it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
houseofpain
♀ Member
Member # 25706
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to echo tushnurse's advice. First and foremost, this man is an addict. You say he is an alcoholic. Is he in recovery? Is he a dry alcoholic? Has he been drinking at all over the last few years?

If he is in a daily recovery program, good for him. If he is a dry drunk, he is just white-knuckling it until he can drink again. If he is drinking, he is an active addict.

For active alcoholics, it's ALL about the drink. For the dry drunks, it's ALL about resenting not being able to drink.

Alcoholics/addicts manipulate others around them so they can drink/use. This women just makes it easy. All the rest is just details. You appear to be living in co-dependent hell.

You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. Find an Al Anon meeting. Please.


D-Day: 09/19/09
D-Day2: 10/19/13
Me: 49
WS: 45
Blended family with 5 kids

Pain is just fear leaving the body


Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!! I had so much hope for my family and my husband. CRUSHED ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED LAST NIGHT. He told me that he had to make some money last night, and even though what he was doing was illegal...I didn't even question it. Nope. Just another lie. His whore posted pictures of them at the Cardinals game!!! Just a few weeks ago, we had tickets and I had to take OUR son by myself because he was too wrapped up in himself and his drugs and his whore!! She is posting pictures of her and MY husband on facebook. Who does that? And after I called him out on it, she posted another one! They are enjoying my pain. They think this is all fun and games. Destroying a family, a home and 2 peoples lives is not funny!!

I will be okay. Does it feel like it now? Absolutely not but I laid in bed until 330 this morning thinking about everything. I can't continue this. I can't let my son continue this. He has serious mental and addiction issues. He needs help. But I have to protect MY son from this. I am all he has. I WILL NOT TEXT HIM ABOUT ANYTHING. My NO CONTACT has to start now. He has made his choice. It isn't his family. She wins. I lose. I quit.

I can't help him. He doesn't want it. Even though just 2 days ago, he was telling me he did. He does want to get better. And he actually pocket dialed me and I heard a long conversation between him and a friend. And that conversation gave me hope. But then 3 hours later, she is posting pictures of MY husband. Where is her respect? What woman does that?! And what man allows it to be done to the mother of his child? The woman he stood before God and vowed to honor, cherish and love? Even if he isn't "in love" with me, he should respect that!

I am mad NOW. I hope I can hold on to this anger. Things are changing, I have been lied to and hurt enough. It is time to get over it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I need the help...I am absolutely obsessed and fixated on him. I feel the need to text him all the time, just to see his name show up on my phone. I don't even care what he is saying to me. I just need to know that he is thinking about me. How do I change that?

I saved the pictures of him and her and I keep looking at them. Why? She is ugly. She is with MY husband. I am still mad. But the hurt is beginning to take over.

He is not healthy. He is not good for me and my son, right now. I am sorry for venting again. But I thought I would come here to try to prevent texting him. Because that is what I want to do!!! UGH.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing this because you are codependent, and have are lacking the coping skills you need to move forward.

This guy is poison to your heart, your mind, and your soul. The sooner you can separate yourself from him the better you are going to be.

Log off facebook. Do NOT get back on until you do 5 things for yourself.
1. Call a lawyer - set up a consultation so you can start protecting yourself.

2. Hefty bag his shit. Get anything that is his out of your living space, set it outside, send a text that says he has until 8pm to get it, or it's going to the Salvation Army.

3. Find an Alanon meeting in your area, and find someone to watch your son so you can attend. It's time. Time for you to get strong.

4. Reach out to any friends, family, neighbors etc and let them help you.

When you have completed your to do list, then allow yourself 5 minutes of Facebook time to block both of them, and log off again.

DO NOT TEXT HIM. DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT DRIVE TO SEE HIM. DO NOT INTERACT WITH HIM IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FOR 48 HOURS.

As you start to do this you will find that your need to obsess will become less, and you will start to feel a little bit of strength.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please, please listen to Tush Nurse. You're not helping yourself. You've been given really excellent advice about how to protect you and your child.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying so hard to follow everyones advice. I deleted my own facebook account during the first time that he left, he also deleted his. She is the one posting it on HER page. And of course, everyone is notifying me about it. I have asked them to stop. I understand that they think I need to see these things so that I will get mad. And I do, but then the hurt overwhelms me.

No, he is absolutely NOT in recovery. He is a full blown alcoholic. As a matter of fact, he said in the phone call that was an accident, that he had drank 4 cases in 3 days. He drank daily. But he functioned. At this point, he isn't functioning. Add smoking pot, taking pain pills and not taking his own prescribed medication on top of the alcohol and it is a recipe for disaster. And I have no clue what else he is possibly doing.

He is poison. He is bringing our family down with him. I can see that. I know that he is not good an getting away from him is the best thing for my son and myself. But I still want him. I want to help him. I want to fix him. I did before, it just wasn't this bad.

I am doing my damndest not to contact him. The last message I sent was last night. I have not contacted him today. But wow, do I ever want to. I have so much to say. But it doesn't matter. I want to beg, plead, and threaten. I want to yell and scream. I want to cry. I want to do everything and anything I can to get my husband home and get him the help he needs. He is going to hurt someone, or himself. Or he is going to go to prison. I don't want that. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Why?!? Why is he doing this to the family that has loved him unconditionally through EVERY mistake he has ever made?

He is telling me the things I need to hear so that he still has me as a back up. As his stability and as his address for his parole officer. He needs me. I know that, but I want him to need me. Then maybe we can fix this. How stupid is THAT?!?

I know he knew she was posting that picture. And after the 1st one, I texted him and she posted another. That was deliberate. To hurt ME. WHY? Why do they need to hurt me anymore than he already has?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, very very gently, this isn't about them. This is about you. Until you can get yourself to an attorney's office then an alanon meeting, you are not going to do be helping yourself or your child. If what matters to you is taking care of yourself and your kid, you will start focusing on what will help you.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry this is happening to you. Gently, I'm going to ask and tell you something. First, did you get your truck and what else have you done to protect yourself? A friend of mine was recently in a similar situation with a pending split and her stbxh took her vehicle which was in her name. She said she would get it soon even though many of us said NOW! He wrecked and killed someone with her vehicle insured by her just the other day! She will be financially liable as well as his charges. I am not trying to swing a 2x4, but protect yourself today. Please!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 188
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