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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another day in Hell.....yesterday he was very hateful, cussing me. He says he is coming today to get the rest of his things out of our home. God, I am dreading that moment. It just makes it really seem over. Even after all of this, I have hope.

My son was texting him last night, practically begging him to come home. He just kept telling him that we have things to discuss before he can do that. I talked to my son AGAIN about it and let him know that he doesn't want to come home. He isn't healthy right now and he needs to get help. So my sweet little boy prayed last night that his dad would go to a doctor so he could come home. Then he cried himself to sleep. This is killing me. I want to take away his pain. I want to take away my pain. He told her that his mom cries a lot and he tells me it will be okay.

Why doesn't he want to come home and fix us? Why is he putting us through this? God, I love him so much. I just want my husband, baggage and all. I will make it better. I will fix it. However, I can. Whatever I need to do. I just want him home with us.

If he actually shows up today, it will kill me. I don't think I can take that final move. Please help me to deal with this pain.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can't come home and fix you. He can't fix himself. To hope hell do so is fantasy. Your wishful,thinking is only prolonging your agony.

Is his behavior the type you want your son to do when he is grown? Your responsibility is to your son. Let e grown man take care of himself.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that but I don't know how to stop. I am obsessed with fixing my marriage and getting my husband home. I will do anything.

No this is not the way I want my son to EVER act but I want him to see that I am fighting to save something that means so much to me. I don't want him to think that when things get hard, you just run. Like his dad has done.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this gently - there's a huge difference between trying to fix your marriage in a healthy manner, and allowing someone to steamroll you and disrespect you just because you want him back so bad.

Don't compromise yourself.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((baseballmom))) Again, I am sorry for your situation. Take a breath, though, and think about what your son needs from you. Please. Be that person. Make those decisions. Have you taken any action yet? Have you filed or decided if you are going to? Have you gotten your vehicle back before something happens that you could be liable? Gently, if something does happen there, you could lose a lot more. Look at it like protecting your son when making these choices. I am worried about you, ok.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baseball Mom

You cannot fix your marriage because it takes two to do that. You did nothing wrong but he is the cheater and liar. Try not to think about (i know it is hard) of him lying next to her and what he is saying, because he is a liar and does not mean anything he is telling her.

This woman is a real dirtbag for what she is doing on Facebook, but knowing it bothers you feeds her sick mind.

You cannot nice your husband to dop the right thing. You said it right when you said to put your "bitch boots" on and kick some ass.

get to an attorney like others have said before he ruins you fonancially and let him know he better have one or you will take him to the cleaners if he does not respond to your attorney. Or let your attorney tell him that.

The more you let him know he can get away with this, the more it will continue. You can change that and yes it will be hard. But you cannot go on like this.

Your son will get over this. Millions of kids turn out fine from divorce. What he is witnessing now is worse.

Try to stay strong and keep posting.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I am worried about MYSELF. I don't think I can handle this. I am willing to compromise myself, beg and plead to make my marriage work. I want him home so bad. I am willing to ignore everything that has happened for him. Why doesn't he realize what he is doing? What he is throwing away?

No, I really haven't taken any action. I don't want to hurt him or make him mad. Stupid, huh? I filled out the divorce papers. But didn't do anything with them. I have threatened and told family and friends what I am going to do. But when it all comes down to it, I can't. I am not strong enough. I am extremely weak and yes I guess co dependent on him. For what? He hasn't been the husband or father that we need or deserve. But I want him anyway.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried the no contact with him. And I did okay, until he started texting me. And then it was like the floodgates opened and I just couldn't stop again.

I am obsessed with seeing his name on my phone. NO matter what he is saying, I just want to talk to him. I want to know he is thinking about me. I really believe he loves me and needs help. I don't believe he loves her. He is loving the life with no responsibilities.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that but I don't know how to stop. I am obsessed with fixing my marriage and getting my husband home. I will do anything.
No this is not the way I want my son to EVER act but I want him to see that I am fighting to save something that means so much to me. I don't want him to think that when things get hard, you just run. Like his dad has done.

We all understand your pain, but you are doing NOTHING for yourself. You are continuing to wallow in this.

This is not something you can fix, and not something you can change.

Have you done anything that we have recommended. I know for a fact I laid out steps in a very clear, concise, to do list fashion more than one time. So far you seem to have ignored these things.

Your desperation and fear is what is feeding this. You cannot fix him. You cannot make him want to fix himself. This completely and totally out of your control.
Do one thing on that list today.
Oh and when he comes to get his shit, don't be home. You are too weak to face him, and all he will do is be abusive to you, either by telling you the things that will keep you hanging on, or by being a mean ass.

You don't need that right now. You need to protect yourself. You say you have friends telling you about them, reach out to them, and ask for some help and some support.
For Gods sake woman, pull yourself together, and take care of your child. He is smack dab in the middle of this, and I don't know how old he is, but he shouldn't be the one to support you. That is wrong.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8720 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am obsessed with seeing his name on my phone. NO matter what he is saying, I just want to talk to him. I want to know he is thinking about me. I really believe he loves me and needs help. I don't believe he loves her. He is loving the life with no responsibilities.

NO he doesn't love you. He is incapable of that right now. He is an addict, and as such unable to understand anything accept where the next drink/pill/high is coming from. He doesn't love her either, but she is enabling this sick behavior. I seriously doubt that he is loving life.....He is sick, and I'm sure the cycle of guilt, drunk to escape guilt is not very fun for him.

DO NOT TEXT WITH HIM. THIS MAKES YOU WEAKER. THIS ALLOWS HIM TO CAUSE YOU MORE PAIN.

YOU are CO DEPENDENT. NOW - what are you going to do to fix it?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8720 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tushnurse...I am trying so hard. I really do want to pull myself together for my son. He is 9, by the way. And I have done better (I think) in front of him. I am trying not to let him see me cry.

I have done a few things on the list. I did pack his things up that were still in the house. I sent most of his clothes with him last week but I did pack up the remaining. I deleted my facebook account and have told everyone that I do not want to hear what she is posting.

I am desperate and this is not ME. Somewhere in all of this pain, I have lost ME. I have let him take over my life. I am trying to pull myself together, I just don't know how to get the strength to do that.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, you can take care of yourself. Block him from your phone and go see an attorney. If you care about your child, you need to take steps to protect him and create a safe environment for him and YOU. Do you have a friend or family member with whom you can stay for a few days?


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't much but, I did NOT text him yesterday until he texted me. And I haven't texted today. Instead, I am posting here. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do to break the dependency on him.

I do care for my son, more than anything in this world. And I am hurting him, I am putting him in this position and I would give anything for his pain to stop. He needs and wants his dad, too. I would take this hurt a million times over if he never had to hurt again.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am saying this as gentle but firm as I can.

BBM I am sorry you are hurting so bad. You know your husband has some serious addiction issues right now and is very much in that fog along with the A fog.

Many people on this site are having issues where the WS is ignoring them or being mean to them. Very sad and I too have had those issues.

But you MUST get a grip on what is really happening now. Do not try to sugar coat anything. Many have asked about the status of your vehicle. Where is it? This is of great concern if the OW is driving the car or even your WH. This is a whole different level of the A. If you and your WH were together right now, this woman should not have your car.

You must react to these activities going on. There are legal results that could happen. You must protect you and your assets and your son!

[This message edited by Mochagurl at 9:03 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good! I am glad to see you are making progress. You aren't his mother and you deserve a relationship where you don't have to act like your WW mother.
Breathe and let your family help.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I am going to do to break the dependency on him.

Didn't you say you had a sibling that was an addict as well, and knew about Alanon????

That seems to be a great starting point for you.
Stop obsessing and start acting.
Get out of your house. Go to the park with your boy, go to the zoo, something free, and cheap, but fun. Pack some sandwiches, and leave. Text him that you want him to come get the rest of his stuff it will be in the driveway, and you want it gone by 4pm. Then turn your phone off. Don't go home until after 4pm, so you don't have to see him. Keep your phone off, so you don't get sucked into a text war.

Call a womens shelter, to get some resources.
Call visit the local food shelter/bank if you are broke.
Take a shower, shave your legs, fix yourself up, FOR YOU, look good, and you will feel a tiny bit better.

You are worth much much more. Time to start getting it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8720 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has the truck. I have been told that legally my hand are tied with it. I can go get it at anytime, if he is NOT there. However, because it is marital property, he does NOT have to let me have it and he could come back and get it at anytime that I am not there.

I spoke to the company where it is financed and as of right now, the payment is 16 days late. He was supposed to pay it. However, he has no income that I know of. Unless he is selling drugs and if he is, he is drinking (or doing whatever) with whatever he is making from that. The finance company said that when it becomes one month delinquent, they can repossess it and then I can take over and get it caught back up to prevent destroying my credit. Until then, I can't do anything else about it. IF I see or hear of it being in ANYONE but his possession, I can report it stolen. But as long as he is in it, I am screwed.

I will get the vehicle as soon as I can. I have people watching for it. But the last I heard, it was parked in a garage. I am sure he can't afford to drive it. It is a jacked up V8 that we could barely afford to drive with 2 incomes.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've tried to be gentle, but BBM, if you care for your son you will block your H and see an attorney. Wishing that your husband would become someone who puts the needs of his child first isn't going to happen. What CAN happen is that you get yourself to an attorney who can help you navigate creating a life that will be safe for you and your son. What CAN happen is that you can get to an Alanon meeting so that you can get some support. I wish you well in this but you are allowing your pain to compromise your future and that of your family. Until you put aside your wishful thinking, you're not helping yourself or your son.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok here is something you can do. First off, if he makes the payments and isn't making them, either demand it back NOW (not next week, not in a month, but today) and try to catch it up. The only way I would drop a dime on it is if it is in your hands and parked somewhere he won't get it. You said before you can park it at your dad's. If he won't do that, sign it over to him and drop the insurance! Plain and simple. Get off that title and let him take the fall. There are ways you could probably do it, so do it. I wouldn't let him tell you what he's going to do, you tell him what's going to happen. End of story!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I am going to disagree on something a bit here. If he took your truck and is acting like this, could he take your things if you're not home when he comes to get his? Protect yourself and maybe have someone there just in case.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
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