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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Destroyed
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like Deena said if you have concerns that he will take valuable things from the home, have a friend come stay at the house when he comes to get the stuff, but make yourself invisible.

I don't think you being there will stop him from taking anything. You are so destroyed right now, you would let him, just so he would see your the nice guy. (WHICH DOES NOT WORK BTW).


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also worried about you. Have you read any books on Codependency? I would go to the library and get some. I found that to be very helpful for me. Take your son and get some fun summer reading books for him. When I was hurting the most I focused on my kids and did fun things with them. It got me through the days. I know you can't see it now but you both deserve so much better than this. He isn't a prize. Let her keep him. Oh, and try listening to songs that make you feel strong. I personally liked Beyonce's To the Left and many songs by Pink.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2007
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that he would try to take anything from our house. BUT I didn't think he would do anything that he has done in the last few months, either. I spoke to the Sheriff's Department and they will not come to the house unless something happens because it a civil matter. We are married, it is his home. He can take whatever he wants basically. If they do have to come, they will only allow him to take his clothing, toiletries and medications. Everything else would have to wait. I don't want it to get to that point. He is supposed to be there at 1. I really doubt he shows up now that he has started texting again. Total different attitude than yesterday.

Same things he always says, he is confused, he is sorry, he knows he is hurting me, no he doesn't love her, he misses me and loves me....all empty words. Empty words I desperately want to believe...

No, Tushnurse, I have never dealt with alcohol, drug use or mental health issues before him. I do not have an addicted sibling. I have been trying to be the nice guy, and why? He left me, he hurt me. I did nothing wrong...but I yet I still feel like a failure. I failed our marriage. I failed him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, the only people you are failing are yourself and your child the longer you wait to get to a meeting with an attorney and find some support from Alanon. I get that it's hard but you owe it to yourself to take care of you and your child.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP!

You did NOT fail him.

He failed himself. He's an addict. This is all on HIS shoulders.

And PLEASE stop telling your son his Dad is sick. Kids have a way of turning everything around and making it their fault things are wrong. Instead, try telling your son you and his Dad are having grown-up problems but both of you love him and always will.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, Tushnurse, I have never dealt with alcohol, drug use or mental health issues before him. I do not have an addicted sibling. I have been trying to be the nice guy, and why? He left me, he hurt me. I did nothing wrong...but I yet I still feel like a failure. I failed our marriage. I failed him.

OK got you confused with someone else then.
You do NOT understand addiction. That is clear, and you are horribly codependent.
Google Alanon meetings in your area and your butt to one today. Get Codependent no more, and read it.

You have to stop blaming yourself. YOU CANNOT FIX THIS. THIS IS NOT YOUR CROSS TO BEAR.
You are caught in an abuse cycle, and now he is saying the things to suck you back in, because yesterday when you showed an inkling of strength he beat you down emotionally, and now that you can't pick yourself up off the floor, he's going to give you just enough to help you do that, and think maybe just maybe.......Do NOT fall for it.

No Contact 180 No Contact 180 No Contact 180

Keep saying it over and over and over.
Get a friend or a large intimidating male relative to come stay at the house, take your son and go somewhere until he has come and gone.

K9 is right you have to quit involving your son. This is wrong, and you are so broken down right now you are relying on him for help. NOT OK.

Now sister make your to do list, and get doing.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok take a deep breath and know we are all concerned for you. You said the police won't come and he can take anything he wants. Wrong! You don't have to let him take your tv, your son's first blanket, your grandma's heirlooms, etc... Have someone there to be a set of eyes and only let him leave with his stuff! You can do that. If not, you are being his doormat. Your son will see that, so do what you need to do. I hope you're ok.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And do not let the chic in your home. Period! People on drugs or with addiction issues don't think clearly. I've known too many that took everything just to sell stuff for more highs. Don't let him take your stuff to sell!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM I hope your afternoon went ok. Let us know if he showed and how you did.
We are being kinda hard on you but only because we see this crisis for what it is and want you to protect yourself and that boy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another roller coaster afternoon and evening....He didn't show up. He texted that his uncle was getting worse, he has been bad for awhile, and that they had given him a few hours at the most so he wasn't going to come. However, he was at the garage working on his 4wheeler....just another lie.

He received a certified letter from his parole officer yesterday. I had to sign for it. He has to go visit her on Monday. So of course he is worried about that. He texted telling me that he is confused, and sorry he is hurting me but he is going to fix it.

My son had a pretty rough day yesterday. He actually cried himself to sleep around 6 because he was so upset because he couldn't see him. I thought by telling him that his dad was sick, it would help him to understand. I thought I was doing the right thing there. I am trying to shield him from as much truth as I can.

I have told him that absolutely NO ONE is allowed at my house with him. And he is not to come without me knowing first. I honestly don't think he is that stupid. I have too many relatives as neighbors. I know as soon as he pulls in the driveway.

It has been 2 weeks today since my world crashed around me AGAIN....It was 16 days the last time and he acted the same way as he was yesterday, the day before he came home. Again, on a Friday. So stupid me....I kind of expect him to try to come home today. He told me he is clean. He hasn't been smoking pot or taking pills. I hope that is true, but I don't know. I want him home more than anything. But it will have to be on MY terms. But it probably doesn't matter...

He actually asked me if I was going to turn him into his PO for not being at our house. So I am sure that IF he comes home, that is a big part of WHY. That and the fact that I told him that he has until Tuesday before they come for the truck. But I really want to believe it IS because he loves and misses his family. Just like he has been saying....

How do you love someone like he has loved me and then just stop?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BBM)))

Your in a very tough situation.

My wh at the time of his a was also addicted to alcohol and drugs. Very bad combination. My guess would be that your wh is into more than just alcohol and pot.

As hard as it is and i know it is, many of us here do, you have to not let him back into the house. At least until he turns this around. TO let him back now, in the state he's in, will only prolong yours and your child's agony.

Have you spoken with his parole officer at all? She can be a valuable asset to you in this. She should be aware of the situation. Its possible she could arrange an intervention.

BBM, he never loved you as you've loved him. I dont understand how i didnt grasp that in my own situation for so long, but 4 years past dday, I understand now it was due to him being in that addictive fog. They truly just arent capable of giving that kind of love. Their addictions come first, not us or their families.

This has nothing to do with you, its not your failure. You've tried harder than you should have been, like myself and enabled their irresponsibility. Back up, let the emotions go (detach) and look at the problem you've got. You can do nothing about "fixing" him, other than giving him the ultimatum to seek help or he cant come home.

You and your little boy need to try and stay busy so your thoughts arent focused so much on your wh. He's in a mess, he pulled the both of you in with him and now you need to extract yourself and your child so you can make it through this.

I'm so sorry BBM, but get your feet under you and you'll make it through.


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it has been more than pot, pills and alcohol. He was addicted before to meth, before the birth of our son. He has been clean since him...so I thought. His main thing NOW is alcohol.

I think that if it wasn't for the addiction, he wouldn't be with her. She is also an addict and has already lost custody of her own children due to that. He doesn't have to hide it from her like he did me. I think he started slowly, every now and then and then it got to where he couldn't hide it anymore. I believe that is what started this downhill spiral.

I haven't spoken to his PO because I am scared. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him in prison. I don't think she would be any help at all because in all honesty, she hasn't been very attentive at all. She said herself she wasn't worried about him because of his stable home life. In 2 years, he has only visited her 1x.

If he wants to come home, I don't think I have the strength to say no. I feel like if I can just get him home, I can get him the help he needs. I have before. My son needs him. But he needs the dad he has always been...before this. I know he can be that person again.

I feel better today, well for now, anyway that I have in awhile. It is probably just the wishful thinking that he will be home. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it.

Tushnurse- You are 100% right, I do NOT understand addiction AT ALL. The most I have ever been addicted to was mountain dew! I wish I had the strength to not fall for everything. When he told me last night that he will fix this, I asked how. But then I told him never mind, don't answer, I don't need to hear anymore lies and then I turned my phone off. Doesn't sound like much, but it was a big step for me. Of course when I turned it back on today, I was praying to see his name. I get a knot in my stomach EVERYTIME I see his name. I just want those 5 little words to be next to it- "I want to come home." Every part of me and my son want him home. Home where he can get help, home where he is loved unconditionally.

I am taking baby steps....I may take 1 forward and 3 back but I am taking them.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably does love you BBM but, he loves himself WAY more! He is a selfish man-child addict who doesn't care if he hurts people who love him. Those people are expendable to him while he escapes into his world of "all about me".

Honey, what I want to you see is that odds are this man will be in and out of you and your son's lives for a long time. Your son is learning addict behavior from his dad but, you are the one who should be teaching him how to deal with it by setting firm boundaries that will not allow his bad behavior to hurt you.

Please be very aware that many times addictive behavior takes root at a very early age and the odds of this happening are dramatically increased if they experience a trauma during their childhood. This is certainly a trauma for your little boy and he needs to know without a doubt that this is in no way, shape or, form acceptable.

Teach him how to disengage from harmful behavior from his dad and to have enough self respect to put up boundaries that will keep him safe from the chaos his father tends to bring into his life. Teach him by doing it!

It really doesn't matter at this point why he is doing what he is doing or how he can just stop loving you. He just erased you both from his life for 2 weeks causing you both great emotional pain with no good reason so he could focus on his own needs.
That should piss you off! Your son desperately needs you to drop that codependency thing and be strong for him. It truly is vital to his future development. Trust me...I learned about this the hard way.

((((BBM))))


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please re read Kiki's post.

It seems that you are not doing anything to help yourself.

Your fear of the unknown is causing all this anxiety for you. You are so scared to be without him, you are willing to let him back in your home, hell you are even willing to believe he isn't doing drugs.....REALLY????

Come on sister. Look at this as an outsider. Look at it as a best friend would.

He actually asked me if I was going to turn him into his PO for not being at our house

So are you???? This is the best move you could make. Him breaking parole, and getting into trouble may save you. If he has to do a drug test, and it's positive, you may just get some time away that isn't his choice, and some time to get yourself stronger.

YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM. YOU CAN ONLY SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SON.

YOU need to make your child your priority right now. It is unacceptable to allow yourself to be so broken that you can't be the mom that this kid needs right now. If you can't care for him properly because you are such a mess, then send him to spend some time with grandparents (if they are clean and sober) or relatives, or even a best friend.

YOUR INACTION, AND CONTINUED NEEDINESS FOR THIS ADDICT IS ONLY MAKING YOU WEAKER. STOP PLEASE.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far today, I have done really well with not texting him. It has been hard, but I have done it. He texted that he could only text here and there because his phone was full of water and messed up. All I sent back was "ok". So much more I want and need to say but I really am trying with the NO CONTACT.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, if you don't get yourself to a meeting with a lawyer and an alanon group, then really, you're NOT trying. You're wallowing and finding excuses. Until you take control of YOURSELF, you will not find any relief.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you done any of the things we have been telling you to do?

1. Look up and go to an Alanon meeting.
2. Contact a lawyer and get an apt made
3. Call your Dr and schedule STI testing, and talk about if AD's or Antianxiety meds are appropriate.
4. Add locks to the house so he can't come in while you are gone.
5. Start looking for resources if you are financially strapped.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found a meeting in my area but it is not until Thursday. I have spoke to a lawyer but not set up an actual appointment due to finances. I can't afford it right now. I do work but I only get paid monthly and that isn't until the 30th. Unfortunately, I do not have any money set back for rainy days.

I am barely getting to and from work now. I gave my son the last $10 that I had today to go on a summer school field trip. I have borrowed and borrowed.

I do know that I need to go to the doctor to get checked. Again, I have to wait for money for that. Not only for the gas to get there but also for the copay. My doctor did call me in xanax, I only take those before bed though because they make me tired. They do help me to sleep, fitfully, but I don't dream. I did make myself an appointment with a counselor for Monday. But it is almost 2 hours away from me so unless I get some money somehow, I will not be able to make that appointment either.

I am still just hoping that he will want to come home today. Even if it is for all of the wrong reasons, I really think if I can just get him home, God will help me with the rest.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok BBM,

good deal on the no contact.

you know, when he told you he would fix it, that would've been a great time to say---

"I would love for you to do that, not only for yourself, but for me and our child, so that we can live together again as a family".

Dont be afraid BBM, fear will paralyze you. I can guarantee you, nothing ahead of you is as scary as the life you have been living these last couple of weeks.

Your right, he is in a downward spiral. The only positive in this is that now is/might be the only opportunity you'll have to guide him into making the changes to "fix it". But you can only guide him by laying out the requirements to come home. But, to do that, you first have to let him go.

BBM, my wh and I were separated for a year before his spiral hit complete bottom and he knew he wanted to come home. It was a long, hard year, but I learned a lot about myself and him. I had to go complete no contact with him before he got it. Complete. No texts, no calls, no visits. I even asked my coworkers to lie for me, say i wasnt there. If the phone rang and they werent there, i didnt answer it. Before i did this, he played me like a fiddle. That's what they do BBM.

Keep taking those baby steps, you'll get there. But make sure you start doing those things suggested here to make yourself and your child safe. No one else will BBM, will they?

hugs,,,,,,,,,


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still just hoping that he will want to come home today. Even if it is for all of the wrong reasons, I really think if I can just get him home, God will help me with the rest.

This is really deluded thinking. I hate to sound mean, but you can not and will not fix him, and neither will God. God helps those who help themselves.

Great work on getting the appointments made.
Don't worry about the money for the Dr. Tell them to bill you the copay, that you forgot your debit card, and you don't carry your checkbook.

Good for you for taking action. That will give you strength. Call around and found a lawyer that does free consultations. If you can't find that, then call the local womens shelter, or crisis hotline. You are in a abusive situation, it's just that the marks are not visible. Trust me these people will help you. They want to help you.
You can take a few more steps to get yourself in a bit better situation. Look around your house, what do you have that you can sell? What of his is still there that you can sell? He is leaving you no choice. Does he have any tools? Electronics? Post that stuff to CL and get it gone, and put some cash in your pocket.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 188
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