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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: men. how do i know he may want more...
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Met a guy through my best friend, well, reconnected with the guy since i knew him as a teen. Anyways, we're 1 month & 4 dates in. He's 5 yrs younger & no kids. We text a couple times a week for anywhere from minutes to hours at a time. Here's what I'm wondering...He never asks about my personal life or kids. I mean we talk about our likes, dislikes, things we want to do together, movies to watch, etc but he never just flat out asks about my day. If I mention the kids he'll just give a short answer back which makes it pretty clear it's not a topic to expand on. Now I realize it's super early in the time frame to have any expectations or to even have "the talk". I have told him that I'm not looking for just a hook-up. In person he treats me very well, very very thoughtful and caring. His texts can get dirty though but we've been physical so I guess that's to be expected.

So, guys n gals, what do you think? He works a lot & works hard. He has all the qualities I want. I feel like he's very worth getting to know more. But when do I know he's not looking for more than a casual thing. He's not seeing anybody else but that doesn't mean anything. Also, I have met all his good friends & his mom. But again, my issue is why doesn't he ask about the kids or even my divorce etc? Thoughts?


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He'll engage in dirty texts but not personal ones?

Look I can only speak for myself but I would (and did when I last dated) ask about her. Her day, her family, child, job...all of it.

To me I would think it's too early get into dirty texts and would expect to have more truly personal interaction. This has red flags all over it to me. If you don't want casual no-strings-attached then I'd back off.

ETA: I asked but how deeply we got into those subjects developed over time. We started with basic interests and worked our up to more personal subjects.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:16 PM, June 10th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3798 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, no, he never really asks how my day went or anything. at the very beginning he asked when i filed for divorce and how my anxiety was etc but now he doesn't. we talk about things we like, places we want to go. I ask him how his work day was.

i just didn't want to have too many expectations so early on & ruin what could be something good. i guess i thought since he doesn't have kids mine wouldn't really enter his mind at all. this dating this is rough.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess i thought since he doesn't have kids mine wouldn't really enter his mind at all.
I didn't when I met my xww but that didn't prevent from at least asking how DD was doing. Being a parent is a big part of a person's life and I have trouble seeing how that would be hard to recognize. From your post it seems he doesn't even ask basic stuff like "Hey, how are the kids doing?" Like I said I can only speak for myself but I find the willingness to engage in dirty texts but not personal conversations a bit concerning.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3798 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But again, my issue is why doesn't he ask about the kids or even my divorce etc?

I think this can go either way. I agree with previous posters - it could be a flag.

However, he could of also been trained by all those "rules of dating". IE "Don't ask about her past and divorce.....she will talk about it when she is ready" or "Some woman get creeped out if you ask about their children early on in dating....might think you are a predator...."

However, if you clearly bring up your children (showing you are ok to discuss them) and he just brushes it off....then you have a clear indication (as you stated).

IDK....if you are on the level to be texting risky and meeting his mom.....then he should be not acting like your children are non existent.

The guy I am dating now made flat-out stated that he would do whatever I was comfortable with regarding the children. He was ok with waiting to meet them if I wanted or if I wanted to do a casual pizza family dinner earlier in the relationship - that was ok too. Point being...it was discussed. I am concerned that he doesn't seem to be giving your family any consideration.

The divorce thing is a different scenario because many people just do not like to talk about it if they are afraid it would cause you pain, etc.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:34 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2100 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
lostandhopless
♂ Member
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been seeing someone for about 8 weeks and it seems to be heading in the right direction and no flags so far. I ask 2 or 3 times a day how her day is, how work is going ect. but I never ask how her children are, if she brings them up I am very happy to discuss them. I feel that it is not time for me to ask or get involved in their lives yet and maybe not for a long time. She tells me what's going on with them, and lets me know how she handles the different situations that come up. So far I like and agree with her parenting style, we are in no way anywhere near the point where it is any of my business as long as I don't see something that could cause a problem between us, or for her kids. Since it is so new I don't feel I have a right to bring up her children. it's not because I don't care..


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 115 | Registered: Dec 2013
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a woman with no children. When I have dated, I always ask how the kids are doing because they are so much a part of the parent's lives. However, i guess it's different in the predator sense.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7643 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me I would think it's too early get into dirty texts and would expect to have more truly personal interaction.

So on a side note....Ok so I may be from another generation or something but this just sort of struck me as funny. She says she has been physical so I take that to mean sex. Soooooo, it too early for dirty texts but not too early for sex? I'm confused.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 562 | Registered: Jun 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could just be his way of getting to know you...and just you. What I mean is that you're four weeks in. That's nothing. Personally I don't like it when a woman wants me to know much about her kids too early. I want to date you first, not your kids. But you don't seem like you're trying to push your family on him. I read OLD profiles where women say "You have to accept me and my kids as a complete package." Ummm...next. Thats wat too much pressure already.

And yeah he should ask you about your day. It's just common courtesy. To me it just screams "casual" to him. Sounds like you've been physical and now you've set the pace for him.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all seriousness, if a woman after a month of dating doesn't acknowledge that I have a daughter and appears to ignore the importance of that fact, that is the end of the ballgame. What the hell is more important and significant in your life? I'm not asking for someone to date my kid or to placate in any way towards her, but to ignore the fact that the most significant person and responsibility in my life doesn't exist or at least acknowledge..well that's just plain rude.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 562 | Registered: Jun 2011
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoops, double post

[This message edited by asurvivor at 12:29 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 562 | Registered: Jun 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes people don't want to include themselves too early if you are a private person.

In your case it sounds more like he is being casual. I don't know what your standards are in a relationship before being intimate but I would think that if you have been you should feel comfortable asking for more if that is what you want. Actually even if you aren't intimate.

Life is short. My guess is if he continues to sit on the edge yet send texts which suggest a different relationship you will have simply a casual but intimate agreement.

If you want more better to clarify now so you can make the best decision for you.

Good luck!

[This message edited by fireproof at 12:56 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 970 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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