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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: facebook
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm deleting my facebook account in a few days. I've given people notice to send me a message if they want my contact info (important people already have it).

I only had like 40-50 friends, and about 1/4 of them were heavily restricted. The reason I'm doing this is that I think facebook is unhealthy for me. It gives out lots of little validation-rewards and a false sense of community in return for a lot of time and personal information. Also, it's so dang hard to quit that I feel like quitting as a matter of principle just to show it who's boss. :)

I want to learn to develop and listen to my own feelings about myself, now that I realize that they are very quiet and mostly neutral to negative. I don't want to drown them out with constant noise from other people.

It's really amazing to me how much I lean on other people to determine what is good or what is right.. I believe that I put up with XW for so long because she flooded me with validation when she was happy with me and I desperately hung onto it. I want to like/love myself and I think that at the moment I don't even know what that feels like. But now I know it's possible.. maybe.. and that I'm not currently doing it. That in itself is progress.

ETA: This post isn't just about getting validation, by the way (which would be ironic). :) I genuinely would like to hear anyone else's perspective on these issues.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 4:35 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 819 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was going through the agony of false R, I *deactivated* my facebook account (not deleted) maybe four separate times. I did it because of how joyous so many of my friend's lives appeared to be and the contrast to how painful my life was, was nearly unbearable.

I once called it the "False admiration society" because of how it seemed so many people were using it to boost themselves up socially, or putting on a false front of happiness when I knew they were hurting.

I would reactivate it when I was feeling better, wash, rinse, repeat.

Nowadays I'm in a much better place psychologically and I enjoy visiting facebook daily. Because of my connections to my community, I have over 400 friends on facebook. I have only a few people on there that I don't think I've met (or at least had a memorable conversation). I will add acquaintences as facebook friends if we have commonalities in interests, politics, friends, location, etc.

I had never really given a lot of thought to how external validation through facebook affected me. But I'm the type of person who holds strong opinions, speaks my mind, and generally has a positive self image. For me, I use the the liking/sharing function on facebook as a tool to help elevate certain posts in my friend's feeds so that they are more likely to see the things that I find interesting. I comment when I feel I have something witty to add (to help make others laugh), or what I consider an insight (to encourage others to think).

I have some pretty cool friends and I enjoy their posts a lot. I find facebook helps me feel not so isolated and alone.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1126 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to like/love myself and I think that at the moment I don't even know what that feels like.

This was a huge turning point in my healing. Getting to "know" yourself is a lot of fun!! There are no wrong answers!

Key to this process (as well as living in the moment/now) is to focus on your 5 senses:
*sight
*taste
*smell
*sound
*touch


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to learn to develop and listen to my own feelings about myself, now that I realize that they are very quiet and mostly neutral to negative. I don't want to drown them out with constant noise from other people.

Cool!

And please remember: There is a difference between EXPLORATION and isolation. Have fun exploring your likes and dislikes.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm okay with noise and feedback from other people. I had just become addicted to having it constantly and I wanted to deliberately carve out a little extra space to be by myself, recharge, reflect, meditate, watch a movie, whatever, and not feel compelled to to stuff on facebook. And there are some other behaviors I'd like to tweak too, and maybe facebook will be okay in the future. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 819 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!

Facebook can be addictive for sure. I have deactivated a few times because I felt like I was spending too much time on it or because I couldn't bear to see how wonderful everyone else's life was. But I've always gone back to it. It is nice to take a break from it every now and then though.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a fine idea if it doesn't help you but seems to hurt you. People make a lot of drama on it...why I don't know. I never post about my relationships, love life or hang my heart on a sleeve on it. Life got a long just fine before "FakeBook" and will after you deactivate. One thing to keep in mind as you see all these so called "happy families and perfect lives" is everybody is only expressing half their story. I guaranty you that every person has their own struggles, battles and anguish. If you keep that in perspective it can do you no harm.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! Personally, I use FB to follow a bunch of humor sites, information sites, favorite authors, the local online garage sale, etc. I rarely post anything personal - I'm too private a person for that mess.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put my FB on private settings and mostly have people I know IRL or from SI, so I post stuff about the kids and whatnot.

I really enjoy some of my friend's humor posts. I love to laugh..

But yeah, people like my cousin-in-law are all perfect and beautiful and showing off all the time. I could probably do without that. Maybe I should just block her..

And we won't even talk about my previous addiction to FB games like Farmville

I do go weeks sometimes without looking, and I'll feel a little bad if I missed someone's birthday or a big announcement or something, but if they are truly my friend, I would get a phone call too..

It is a REAL time waster, and that's great you are deciding to do other things with your time. You sound all zen and shit.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 9

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