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User Topic: Please, I need some support and advice right now
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD was Feb 2013. And I've gotten TT with other crap over the past year. He acted like the committed WBF through it all. He's an open book when it comes to emails and his phone. And he stopped porn completely and same with masturbation. He's home with me every waking moment, except for work.

Boundaries were set up, and he was supposed to follow them to a T. The sad thing about a wayward being an open book is we never really know for sure what they do while away from us, nor what is going on in their heads.

So two boundaries were broke. One was...because of his issues with sexualizing women who were total strangers, he was supposed to stop checking women out. He admitted it was a dangerous slope, and one he agreed needed to end. Apparently he never stopped it. The other broken boundary was...he is a mechanic. He was never allowed to be alone with a woman in a car. In other words he couldn't drive them back to their house, couldn't give them a ride to their work, nor take a test drive with them. None of it was ever required, and if his work wanted to push it, all he had to say was sorry, I wont put myself in a position of being alone with a woman. Someone else can do it. Anyway, after a huge amount of pressing him...he tells me today that months ago he drove a woman back to her work. He claims he was put on the spot, doesn't have a backbone, and didn't know how to handle it. He had to work on the vehicle and this woman wanted a ride back.

I'm fucking furious and can't do this anymore. I feel like I want to be sick. My stomach is a complete and total mess. I feel like I've been hit by another bus again . Why????

I don't know what to do. He's playing the victim card right now. Saying he's messed up, wants help, but I'm not helping him. Saying he has suicidal thoughts and I'm all he has. He even made the comment that he hurts the things he loves. He's spent four days begging and crying to not lose me. Yet I'm finding more stuff out every day. He claims this is the worst of it.

I just need some help from you all right now. I don't know what to do, and I need to stay strong for my kids and me. Do I let him stay??? I love him. But this is just too fucked up...

I realize this may seem minor to most everyone here, but after his ONS, and other betrayals, these were boundaries that were put in place to give me peace, but also keep him away from temptation. He's lied. He's shown me other people and their needs come before me. And I feel like he's showing me he really isn't committed to this.

Am I making too big of a deal of this??? It feels like another DD . Do others break boundaries during R? Or has this R been a complete and total lie?


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry he has been clueless. ..

Is he in IC?

I would get him there.

You are not making a big deal if this. He has continually broken your trust. It takes a lot of work to regain it.

If he screwed up and told you I wouldn't be as concerned. ... but he digs his heels in and makes you pull it out of him.

Only you can decide when you have had enough. Are you willing to continue with R if he gets some therapy? He needs to find his backbone and put his wife and family first.

Old behaviors and coping skills are tough to understand and leave behind, He needs to find the root cause.

You have to be good to yourself and trust your gut.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely trust your gut.

He's home with me every waking moment, except for work.

Dipshit STBX had this same kind of schedule, but he still managed to cheat. (It's amazing what he got done on his lunch break.)

Do not let him play the victim. He's trying to guilt you into staying with him. Your WBF is an adult and responsible for his own happiness.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Karma...

He's not in IC. He said he'd go, but I think lack of time has held him back. I also think he should only go if he's willing to be an open book. It shouldn't be done to appease me. And maybe because of that, I'm partially to blame for him not seeing one at the moment. I also have this fear that sometimes people who seek help with IC are going only so they can find some sort of justification for their messed up actions. If he wants to go, I'd support it. I want him to make the efforts though.

My first, and still current reaction is to be done with it all. I feel like it's all been lies. So this is just a repeat of the past, and it's never going to change.

I'm just so tired. I'm supposed to be picking myself up and repairing myself of the damage he's previously done. How do any of us do that, when we keep getting hit with more painful crud?


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what I think Gemini... I read on here every day. And I know he does too. So he should know what he's sounding like, and what he's doing.

He's dropping this on me, then telling me he's needing my help. And I want to support him in changing his behaviors, but right now all I want is to cry and run away from him. What about me and what I need???

And you're completely right...if there's a will, he could find a way. Lunch break, drive home, hidden phones, etc. I don't feel like he's involved with someone in particular...but I do feel like he's putting other women and himself above me, and I just feel dead inside now.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's being a weasel and acting like he can't stand up to the work environment about interacting with females, he can't stand up to the females wanting rides, he can't keep very simple promises to you.

He's not a victim and why does he need your "help"? My WH says similar things. we are not their mommy. He is acting like these weasly little behaviors are some sort of thing outside his control. bullshit. it's not that hard to say no. He's crying for two reasons: he got caught, and he really wishes he didn't HAVE to stop these behaviors. Well boo hoo.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a man who you didn't have to spell out obvious expectations of loyalty like you are his Jiminy Cricket conscience? I'm so sick of these type of behaviors. Tell him to grow a pair and there is nothing about that he should need "help" with. Seriously, go in there right now and tell him to grow a pair.

Suicidal thoughts and you're all he has?? This is emotional blackmail and a control tactic. Next time he even breathes a mention of suicide, call the suicide hotline number. Don't tell him you're going to do it, just do it. If they recommend calling the police for a psych evaluation, then do it. I had to do this with my ex, who just couldn't get over that I got sick of his cheating and moved on. It was completely upsetting and exhausting for me to hear that from him on a random basis.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2014
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's not in IC. He said he'd go, but I think lack of time has held him back. I also think he should only go if he's willing to be an open book. It shouldn't be done to appease me. And maybe because of that, I'm partially to blame for him not seeing one at the moment. I also have this fear that sometimes people who seek help with IC are going only so they can find some sort of justification for their messed up actions. If he wants to go, I'd support it. I want him to make the efforts though.

How are you to blame for an adult male not seeking counseling? It boggles my mind what spouses take responsibility for in their relationships.

Sweetie, you are not responsible for 'fixing' him. If he is broken, he needs to fix himself.

He is broken.

If you feel done, you can be done. Its ok. There doesn't have to be a huge traumatic event to be done. It can be TT and boundaries breaking (those are actually pretty big things, BTW).


Posts: 771 | Registered: Sep 2010
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you find out? Did he tell you himself? Or did you find out some other way?

If he fessed up on his own, I might tend to give him a break.

I do believe sometimes people are caught off guard if they don't 'practice' enforcing their boundaries on a regular basis. If it had been a very long time since he was last asked to give someone a ride, I can see where he may have ben caught off guard, and not had his 'excuse' ready on the tip of his tongue.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OutOfTheDeep, that's my same reaction regarding the suicide comments he made. I feel like he was twisting things so I had to feel bad for him, worry about him, and now base my reactions and decisions on the outcome possibly being him taking his life. That infuriates me!!!! There was ZERO empathy on his part. ZERO. It was all about him. He cries how he just wants me happy. Whatever I decide, he will accept because he wants me to be happy. . Really??? Maybe he should have thought about that shit before he did all he did.

Thank you BrokenBlackBird. I appreciate that. And you're right. What he's done this time can be enough to end it. It may seem small, but when it's added to the other things that make up the mountain he's built, I just can't take this stress any more.

The sad thing is...why? Why does every relationship end this way? It's not about picking the "wrong" partners. I know there are sometimes signs that a person isn't right, from the beginning. But I think most of us here can attest to the fact that our partners were trustworthy, and most didn't give those signs. Looking back, I think we can all say things like "well he did check that woman out that one night we went to dinner, so I should have known back then"...but that's crazy reasoning. Adultery seems to be happening everywhere, and it just makes me want to give up on relationships all together.

So do we stay with our wayward because we already love them, and leaving is no guarantee that it won't happen with the next person? I can honestly say I want to stay with him. For a number of reasons. I completely believe he loves me. He's kind and giving, and seems like he'd do anything for me. So why doesn't that include being loyal???I know he's not actively chasing after women, but he knows full well that he's still messing up. And his lying to me about it....DAMN. I just can't accept that.

Painpaingoway, I had to push him seriously, before he admitted to anything. So while he did admit it, I don't know if he should be given any credit. It turns out the drive he gave that woman took place at least nine months ago. Found that out last night. That means another nine months of more lies. I've repeatedly asked him if he's told me everything, and he lied. At this point there are no small lies. Everything matters. And he told me he held this in because he was scared. What about how afraid I am??? It's all about him. I know what you're saying about him being caught off guard. And like you wrote, at first I wanted to go to that justification. Yet, isn't that what so many waywards say when someone comes on to them? Or makes a pass at them? Or flirts with them? I feel like if that excuse is accepted, it's like saying it's understandable and they are given an okay for it. I just don't think a wayward has that luxury any more. They are supposed to be hyperaware of their surroundings. And even if they have to take a moment to gather their thoughts, they still should do what's right no matter what.

He's mad at me because he thinks I see things only one way. He wants to throw out other crazy stupid possibilities, and it's driving me to want to smash something. I'm sorry but when you lie to me about driving a woman back to her work, which btw, happened to be right across from his work, not a busy street. A shorter walk, than what we walk from our car into a grocery store. There is more to this bullshit story than he's telling.

And I just have to add this...I know waywards need a place to vent, be heard, and get advice. And there are many in the wayward section who give incredibly good advice. I've been brought to tears by some who have given him replys that were so very true and written with amazing insight. Yet I soooooo want to oust his a$$ to everyone when his story leaves out important parts, or the TRUTH. Damn it. People are taking their time to help us!!!! We can't be helped if we aren't being honest.

Thanks again for listening....

[This message edited by TrulySad at 12:33 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS, he reminds me very, very much of my stbx.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8031 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some strong thoughts about my husband checking out other women. I see you do as well.
Seems to me like that ship sailed when he had two affairs. There are some things he doens't get to do anymore. I am also a former wayward and I have enacted this upon myself.

However, my sister mentioned yesterday that he just may not think the same as you. He thinks its ok for things to be just as they were before all the affairs. That is his right to choose that. Hard to accept. difficult to know what you can live with. Someone making changes because YOU want them to rarely works. It must be internal. Or they must see the value in it as well. Does your husband?

Thing is, I can tell you the exact day I saw him starting to check out women. It wasn't the first 25 years of marriage. It was the day before he started his affair with OW1. So, it hasn't been present all along our marriage.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Gonnabe. I appreciate that...

Rachelc:

Someone making changes because YOU want them to rarely works. It must be internal. Or they must see the value in it as well. Does your husband?

I actually believe he does want to change. When it came to all the changes he's made so far, he initiated them. He sought out books here and read them. He's reached out to a fellow SI (man) who I think are using each other in a way, as accountability partners. Yet I contest his side, because he only seems to reach out when he's done something wrong. That's NOT the right time. I know he want's to change. I just think he's looking for something easy. It's not easy. And now this we are in year two, I can clearly see why they say it gets harder.

I have some strong thoughts about my husband checking out other women. I see you do as well.

Thank you for adding that to your response. I sometimes think others believe I'm going too far with this thought process. Believe me when I say after being on this earth for 47 years, I see a serious trend when it comes to the men (and women) who do this. It's wrong, hurtful, and a whole other topic completely.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That means another nine months of more lies.

And that's why this can certainly be considered another D-Day. He was able to manipulate and "fool" you again. He sat there with a straight face ALL that time, KNOWING he broke a boundary, and NOT coming clean about it.

Honestly? I wouldn't trust this guy. I still don't think you have all the facts. Maybe it's just my spidey senses, but I feel like he has A LOT more to confess to than giving a girl a ride. I think he's hiding something bigger..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ButterflyGirl, I hope you're not right, but I'm with you on this. I don't trust him. I can't. I have to protect myself. I told him he has to take a poly now. I will listen to whatever else he has to admit, and then he will pay for a test. I'm done if it comes back that he's still lying. I had my first WH take a poly. It worked, I believe, but I still D him. Best decision I ever made!

Thank you for validating it being another DD. I feel so numb inside right now. I think it has to do with protecting myself. I don't know if I can allow myself to feel any more pain from his actions. It's already crushed me to the point where I've lost so much time in my life on this crap. I just want to be happy. And if he can't be a part of a happy life, he has to be a part of my shitty past.

[This message edited by TrulySad at 3:05 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm wrong too, but in any case, I sure would like to slap the stupid out of him..

I think the poly is a great idea. Sometimes just the threat of it gets them to confess things, and I don't think there is R unless you get the whole truth..

When you keep getting hit with TT and all this garbage, having to PRESSURE him to tell you the truth? Well, I'd be feeling like throwing in the towel too..

Try to remember that the only one he is making a fool of is himself. He needs to put on his big boy pants. You could keep being his "mommy" for a pretty long time, but I'm pretty sure you're looking for a MAN who can have some control over himself..

Big hugs to you...


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If suicidal thoughts are still a threat, remember that you can't help him - he needs the suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255.

Or just tell him you'll call 911, the police will come, and he'll get committed to the psych ward for observation. Better still, tell him to dial 911....

(I have no patience for emotional blackmail.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trulysad, I just responded on his thread. I don't know if he is an SA, but he is so NOT willing to even face the possibility by having a professional evaluation...which he needs. He is standing on his head trying to deny the usefulness of IC without ever having tried it.

IMO, if he has any SA tendencies, a CSAT is the only way to truly deal with his problem for both of you. That and working a 12 step program for him and seeking 12 step support for you.

BTDT got the tee shirt.

Hugs, honey.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OutOfTheDeep, that's my same reaction regarding the suicide comments he made. I feel like he was twisting things so I had to feel bad for him, worry about him, and now base my reactions and decisions on the outcome possibly being him taking his life.

This is exactly what he is doing.

Listen, I'm not unsympathetic to issues of suicide. I had three young cousins take their own lives over the course of my life, and my own precious son suffered through drug addiction, mental health issues, and suicide attempts. So I don't take this lightly. It absolutely infuriates me when someone uses threats of suicide to control someone else, and that's what I think your WH is doing here. I hate to say it, and I'm no expert, but most people who are serious often make attempts and legitimately suffer very serious emotional and mental health issues. I realize some people quietly go along with their lives and hide their thoughts from others until it's too late. But that has been my experience. It's a horrible horrible thing to randomly throw in someone's face, and heck yeah your reactions are based on being terrified of whether he is serious or not.

Calling the hotline is the right thing to do no matter what. If he's serious, then he really does need help and a suicidal person is DEFINATELY beyond the scope of what you can handle. It requires professionals. If he's not serious and just threatening you, then he gets to see what happens when police, mental health professionals, and the legal system reacts to suicide threats.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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