If he gets serious, he can come to you with hat in hand, snot bubble crying and you MIGHT consider taking him back. Maybe.
Until then, keep on living a chaos-free life.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
I think any type of help he gets MIGHT help your kids deal with him the rest of their lives. Just my opinion.
Apologize to my parents for his actions
Uh, 4 years later and my parents are still waiting for their apology and he's still smoking 2+ packs per day.
She was kind of surprised I had come up with all that already, and she said, "WHEN he calls, not if, huh?" I told her that I knew he would call, it was just a matter of how long it would take. And that I knew I needed a plan before he did, because I didn't want to be one of those women that just keeps putting up with stuff like this, letting him come back over and over again.
He left on a Wednesday night (while I was at band practice at church - he just left a note). I met with the friend for lunch on Thursday. He called Friday afternoon, crying, begging to come home.
I stuck to my plan. It was the best choice I could have made. I didn't want to D without having done everything I could to save the M. But I also didn't want to let him walk all over me either.
He did everything he could to try and change my mind... came up with all sorts of crazy ideas, including one where we would wall off the 2nd bedroom and bathroom, and he would use the window in the bedroom to come and go (we owned a ground floor condo). I stuck to my guns.
We worked on R for ~ 2 months, until I confirmed that he was actually living with her again and lying about it. He was away from her less than a week.
The point here is - I gave him a plan that would at least begin to give me some assurance that he was serious about our M and serious about being faithful again. He couldn't even give me a week, much less a year.... which showed pretty clearly to me that he would never be in it for the long haul.
You're happy with how things are now. Do you want him back? If not, then just tell him that the ship has sailed.
If you want to give him a chance again - make a plan. Have very well-stated and clear cut boundaries. Let him know what it will take to even have a chance, and stick to it.
In the end, you have to do what's best for you at this point. He's already shown that he isn't going to worry about you.
He calls it his road to Damascus moment, To be fair he threw himself into it whole-scale. He was sending me scans of his IC receipts for 2 months before I even agreed to meet him. He led a hermit existence only seeing the kids. We say each other occasionally. After six months we started going to MC and spent hours and hours discussing what had happened. After ten months he moved back in again.
He is home now three and a half years and hasn't put a foot wrong since. He is loving and so appreciative of the chance he has been given.
My advice is if they really want it they will move heaven and earth to change.
While I'm glad I did this, I still have real difficulties with the fact that I reconciled with a known cheater who left his children.
Think carefully before making any moves and always, always watch his actions.
Good luck. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do (())