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User Topic: Feeling a little disheartened this morning....
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Sad  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I got a Facebook message from that older guy's daughter (the guy that took me out that didn't work out 2 weekends ago) She said she was "supposed" to tell me to look up Viking River Cruises (which I did and its basically a high end cruise that goes through the Mediterranean and you can see France, Italy, and Greece. Something I have always wanted to do. That would be my ultimate bucket list cruise.... but I digress. Then she said he wanted to take my daughter to Kings Dominion Sunday.

I finally just broke down and told her that although I think her dad is very sweet, that he and I discussed how he doesn't like it when women only want him for his money and I'm not going to date him. I'm not one of those women that only cares about money and I have no feelings for him in a romantic way. Don't get me wrong.....I'm flattered that he is trying to pursue me.....but....

It just disheartens me all at the same time. There are many women that would throw themselves at a man like him who could buy them the world. But, I would rather be broke and wait for the real deal. I'm so tired of older men or really young guys hitting on me. In the end....all either of them want is sex. I'm not an itiot. I want a partner....someone I can relate to and spend my time with and grow old with and enjoy my family with. Someone who shares my interests and wants to be a part of my daughter's life. Why is it so damn hard to meet people? I go on group runs and get out as much as I can. I am pretty outgoing....but must have some sort of unapproachable vibe going on.....

I just feel very hopeless about love. I started thinking last night that maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Its easier and less tiring. I'm happy and enjoy my life.... but I'm just missing companionship. Missing sharing my memories with someone. I don't know... just having a moment I guess...

Thanks for listening!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shelly)))
It will happen. I don't know when, but it will.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Pentup.

Sometimes I feel trapped in my hometown. I've lived in the SAME city my entire life. I would have moved but when I met my XWH.....he was a fireman and he can't transfer his pension so I was stuck. Then, I got pregnant by Piper's sperm donor and her being the only grandchild, I wanted her to grow up and be close to my dad and sister since they are basically the only blood relatives that are in her life. My best friend is here.... everyone I love. But, I hate this town.

I can't move right now as I don't have the means to do so until I pay off some things, hence the reason we are living with my dad. Maybe when Piper gets older I can finally move.....or maybe "Mr. Right" will move here!

Don't get me wrong....I'm comfortable here.... its very lovely....most people are genuinely nice.... its mountainous, etc. But, the dating sites have ALL THE SAME guys they had 5 years ago.... its so depressing. Makes me think that I'm just one of them! I'm one of those girls that will be on those stupid sites 10 years from now....hoping and praying for "the one" to come along....

So, I deactivated my account. Its just too much. I won't settle. I refuse to.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:22 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Usually happens best when you aren't looking for it.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I offer a little advice that maybe you aren't going to like (feel free to skip the rest of this message if you don't want to read something that may seem too negative)?

I think your approach to the dating sites is the problem here. The attitude I see is that it's beneath you to join them and participate. You focus 100% on creepy people who send inappropriate messages. You laugh at people who just want to find love themselves and don't have your looks or your advantages. You're too defensive about guys who know that dating a woman with a toddler is a special challenge.

In short, you work really, really hard to reject people before they can reject you.

Take this example of the older guy. You presented it, at first, as a creepy older guy with a fancy car. You painted a picture of Hugh Hefner, without the charm. We expressed surprise that you would even put yourself in that position. As it turns out, he's just an older guy who is looking for something that doesn't fit you at all. That's fine. I think it was great you gave it a try in the end, and that you got past the picture you first painted for us and found out that he really wasn't for you at all. That's healthy progress, in my opinion.

But did you learn from that? That it's OK to let your defenses down and stop trying to reject people before you reject them. Because the only guys who are getting through this defense are guys like your sperm donor - too hot for you to make some comment about being fat and out of shape - pouring on the attention and blind flattery so you don't have a chance to reject them during ordinary conversation. And they're in before you can do a real evaluation. Your picker isn't broken - you just short-circuit it with your defense mechanisms.

So... you have nice pictures. Join a dating site and a lot of guys will send you messages. Most of them only give a crap about the pictures. Many of them will be twice your age. More than 90% of the messages you receive will be from men you really don't want to respond to. Most of those will carry a bit of ick. Don't sweat the ick. Be flattered that icky people like your pictures. You don't have to touch them or even communicate with them.

If you want online dating to work, you have to approach it scientifically. You have to ignore your defense mechanisms, feel comfortable ignoring people you aren't ever going to meet anyway, and, most of all, you have to take the time to evaluate other profiles and find the 10% of them who are serious about online dating. Figure out your real-deal breakers and learn about people. Don't get emotionally involved until you've met someone and had a few dates.

With online dating, like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it. If you approach it seriously and really examine others through their profiles and emails, you can learn a lot before you meet. And that makes online dating a heck of a lot better than the bars or the clubs or the gyms or the grocery store... where ick can sweep you off your feet before you even know it's ick.

Life is moderately disheartening. I'm not telling you to toughen up. We all have days like these. But you can have everything you want if you stop trying to control everything by rejecting it before it rejects you. This will help you at work as well as in love, by the way.

Sorry to go on at such length. I hope you see this as a positive message, not a negative one. To the guys you really want to meet, you're going to be just perfect.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because the only guys who are getting through this defense are guys like your sperm donor - too hot for you to make some comment about being fat and out of shape - pouring on the attention and blind flattery so you don't have a chance to reject them during ordinary conversation. And they're in before you can do a real evaluation.

I actually agree with every thing you said and think that it was very constructive criticism except the above statement. I actually run IMMEDIATELY from good looking guys who even remotely remind me of sperm donor or my XWH knowing that my picker is short-circuited. If I can smell the cockiness....I flee. They might be great guys....but if I feel a whiff of something familiar I run. I've actually been "trying" to take my IC's advice and have been looking for more educated and well-rounded guys putting looks much further down the scale and have talked to guys that I'm not as attracted to but seem to have the whole package. But, that still hasn't worked out very well. I am "trying" to change my perspective on dating.... but it just takes time I guess. And, I am sensitive to the fact that a lot of guys will find it challenging to date a single mom of a toddler...and I'm sure that is one of the bigger factors on why I am still single.

Its okay. I have dealt with that. I am trying to be patient but some days are harder than others. I just don't think at this particular time that online dating is for me. I think I need a break. I deactivated my account last weekend and its been kinda relieving. I'm going to try to stay positive about my single life regardless.... but sometimes the loneliness can be a little overwhelming....and sneaks up and smacks me in the face. It will pass and I will move on as always.

Thank you for the good advice. I appreciate it.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Brandon808
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Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel very hopeless about love. I started thinking last night that maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Its easier and less tiring. I'm happy and enjoy my life.... but I'm just missing companionship. Missing sharing my memories with someone. I don't know... just having a moment I guess...
Like you said at the end you were having a moment. A moment. Don't let it dictate to you what the rest of your life will be. It won't either way.

If you're not feeling the OLD then I agree you should back off of it for awhile. Take a break and let go of any expectations.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3991 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you said at the end you were having a moment. A moment. Don't let it dictate to you what the rest of your life will be. It won't either way.

You are absolutely right Brandon. I know I'm a good woman and would be a good catch for the right guy.... I just haven't run into him quite yet.....maybe quite literally since I'm a runner! I'm just gonna keep working on me and hoping all of the healthy healing and living will glow from the inside out and maybe that bright and happy shine will attract someone really special! Gotta keep the faith...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
StoryHour
♀ Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girl. You do not sign up for "Forever Alone" yet.

I have waded through the creepers and the a-holes, the old men and the young men on dating sites and it got me completely despondent. I tweaked my profile constantly, and I even disabled it a couple of times after run ins with some crazy. But one day, I got a message from someone who I hit it off with. We are going on our second date this weekend, and I know I'm in the warm and fuzzy !!ZOMGNEWANDSHINY!!zone but I see this going somewhere.

DO NOT GIVE UP. Your lobster is out there. Just keep trawling for him.


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2034 | Registered: May 2008
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DO NOT GIVE UP. Your lobster is out there.

I love this.... My "Sabastian" is out there!? I did my daughter's room up in the little mermaid theme so this seems appropriate....plus I have long red hair...

Have a WONDERFUL 2nd date!!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies if this comes off as a backhanded compliment Shelly, but the growth in your posts lately is pleasantly surprising. You are much more receptive and it is truly refreshing. If these changes are occurring in real life as well, it will go a long way in having more positive interactions, dating or otherwise.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Crescita..... I don't take that as a backhanded compliment. I have NEEDED to grow and work on myself...and I certainly have had the time to do it. Working things out in my head in IC has helped along with personal growth and having time to myself and quality time with my daughter, family, and friends. I think moving in with my dad has been a positive thing for us. I get quality time with my dad as well as my daughter. I enjoy our conversations but we give each other space as well. We know when to back off and when to chill out together for a good laugh. Its been nice having the company and time with him. He is 66 and I want to cherish every moment. Life is so short, ya know?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
soulsearcher4
♂ Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really take that break.

Try and not look at guys and wonder.

Really stay off the dating sites (disable them all if you can.)

Be ok with being alone. Not resigned to it. There isn't something wrong with you if you're not paired with someone. You're absolutely fine single.

When you get to that place, the secureness in yourself, then the proper doors can open.

When you are not in that place, it's just a spiral of terribleness.

Take that time away! It's well worth it.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually agree with every thing you said and think that it was very constructive criticism except the above statement. I actually run IMMEDIATELY from good looking guys who even remotely remind me of sperm donor or my XWH knowing that my picker is short-circuited. If I can smell the cockiness....I flee. They might be great guys....but if I feel a whiff of something familiar I run. I've actually been "trying" to take my IC's advice and have been looking for more educated and well-rounded guys putting looks much further down the scale and have talked to guys that I'm not as attracted to but seem to have the whole package. But, that still hasn't worked out very well. I am "trying" to change my perspective on dating.... but it just takes time I guess. And, I am sensitive to the fact that a lot of guys will find it challenging to date a single mom of a toddler...and I'm sure that is one of the bigger factors on why I am still single.

Its okay. I have dealt with that. I am trying to be patient but some days are harder than others. I just don't think at this particular time that online dating is for me. I think I need a break. I deactivated my account last weekend and its been kinda relieving. I'm going to try to stay positive about my single life regardless.... but sometimes the loneliness can be a little overwhelming....and sneaks up and smacks me in the face. It will pass and I will move on as always.

Thank you for the good advice. I appreciate it.

I hope you listen to it, because I think it could benefit you. Your natural inclination is to beat the living daylights out of people who turn you off. There's no empathy there. I think empathy is the great secret of successful dating.

This doesn't mean accepting dates from people who turn you off. But your constant nattering against those who don't meet your standards is, really, cringe-inducing. You spend more time trying to reject people before they reject you than you do working on potential matches. What's the point?

You elevate yourself through hard work and introspection, not by putting other people down.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
She11ybeanz
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Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't mean accepting dates from people who turn you off. But your constant nattering against those who don't meet your standards is, really, cringe-inducing. You spend more time trying to reject people before they reject you than you do working on potential matches. What's the point?

I'm confused. The section you highlighted I clearly stated that I have been purposely going out with guys that I'm not normally attracted to and have been looking at other attributes beyond looks, such as intellect, hobbies that we may have in common, etc. I said in that statement that I have been avoiding guys that I am simply attracted to out of the gate to avoid my past behavior. It hasn't gotten me anywhere, but I have broken my past behavior. Hence why I haven't dated in over 2 years.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want to respond in your new item, but perhaps I should have cut-and-pasted both my advice and your response there.

All of us on dating sites have received email from people who we wouldn't date. Either pictures that don't work for us, or horrible grammar, or clumsy come-ons. But those are people, too, and in many cases they're just lonely and feeling lousy about their lives underneath it all.

You don't have to respond to them (I never did), but I think it says a lot that you start new items to poke fun at them, and you've done this a few times now. Somewhere, on some forum, some guy you contacted might have done the same thing with your initial contact message. Would that be OK?

I think you'll find your dating stride when you develop empathy for your fellow strugglers in the singles world.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
libertyrocks
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Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We should date, Shelly! lol. I just finished off my OLD profile stating I don't want a young guy or do I need a sugar daddy. I want someone my age group with similar interests and goals in life. I TOTALLY FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO. I also deleted that OLD profile. I'm so not into marketing myself in that way. I feel like all the good guys our age are either taken or they're perverts at this point...

My mum just told me yeseterday, it's like waiting for a butterfly to land on your shoulde. It will only come when your patiently waiting and not looking...

I give up at this point. I miss companionship oh so much right now...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree libertyrocks..... I think it just takes time.

Redsoxnation....I'm sure people DO poke fun at me or have mentioned me in a post somewhere. If you look in this forum there are TON of posts poking fun at OLD sites or horror stories therefrom. I don't make fun of every person that contacts me. There have been plenty of very sweet kind guys that have sent me messages that I knew just weren't a match for me, but I felt empathy for them and some of which I even thanked for their kind and thoughtful emails. I don't talk about those because I haven't felt the need to until you said something. I am not this monster crazy picky woman who pokes fun at every single guy that dares look at my profile page!

I'm just a normal almost 35 year old working single mom just looking for a little companionship and someone that shares my interests and is perhaps somewhat close to my age. Someone who is in the same place mentally and emotionally in their lives. That is a lot harder to find than you might think. Which is another reason why I don't go on many dates. I'm not in a rush to find love anymore.

Sure......I"m lonely as hell. I'm hoping that filling my time with things I love and time with my daughter will make that feeling less and less. But, again. It takes time. Something I have plenty of. I am no longer in a rush to have more children.....I could care less if I do or not. I have my Piper and she is good enough for me. I am no longer in a rush for marriage. Been there done that. If I get married again.....fine. If I dont, less paperwork! Even better! I'm in no rush for a relationship.....they can be messy and complicated and listening to my friends complain about their spouses is enough to make me thankful for being single again....

But, there are those few moments.... where a snuggle on the couch..... a cuddle at dawn..... a kiss before bed..... a giggle over dinner.... or hand intertwined in mine walking through the park with my daughter's hand in my other hand.....would be quite lovely. But, for now.... I will just dream of that day.... and have faith in God's plan.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 18

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