You never get a day off!
I had to remove my wedding ring due to huge pre dialysis water weight gain. Still looking for it .......
As for an earlier question about whether she has ever been curious about my past relationships; the answer is surprising no. I wonder why.
Those 2 competitive girls you slept with back in grad school - do you remember their names?
I graduated college 27 years ago. As much as I don't like to think about it, I had many ONS over the course of 4 years and I can only remember the names of 2 of them. And that is only because they tried to connect with me on Facebook. I had to PM my roomate to ask who they were and she reminded me...
eta: There was always lots of alcohol involved with my ONS. Is it possible your wife was intoxicated as well? They did leave a club where I assume alcohol was served and back then the drinking age would have been 18 (at least it was when I was in college)
[This message edited by Chicky at 9:25 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]
I only asked because you seem adamant that she should remember, which is your right.
Now, here is an odd twist or rather a bomb that I have prayed for years wouldn't detonate...
One of my ONS was a bit older than I and our encounter happened at the beginning of my Freshman year. My H left college (he attended another college) to go into the military. He was just my best friend at that time. After a year he came home and we got engaged when I was a Junior but I stayed behind to finish college and the ONS graduated. You tell me, what are the odds that they would both end up stationed in Europe, in the SAME unit, and be roomates in the SAME barracks?
Yes, it happened!!! I was on pins and needles for 18 months scared to death that one night of drunken indescretion would come back and bite me in the ass. For reasons know only to him, he never said a word (THANK GOD). My H and I were not dating in any sense of the word at the time but still...KWIM?
I shudder to think about it but I try to do so very infrequently.
eta: And my H is a lot like you in that if he even had the slightest hint of any kind of (fill in the blank) with another man, he would NOT let it go until he had every gory detail.
[This message edited by Chicky at 11:57 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]
as she cites we've been through that conversation many times (4?)already and I should just forgive and let it go.
"Honey, I have been faithful to you since the day we met. I have never cheated on you nor lied to you.
You cannot say the same.
I love you. But you are asking me to forgive you for something that happened over 30 years ago that to me feels like it happened just yesterday.
So the answer is no. I just cannot forget it. I want the truth. The whole truth.
I deserve the truth.
I have forgiven you in the past. I will forgive you again.
But I deserve to know what I am forgiving you for......"
The next word should be hers.
And I get that your wife made a conscious decision and chose you. But she had to sample the merchandise in order to make that decision.
Sadly or maybe happily you did not!
Do not settle for her TT. It is insulting.
It has already been introduced into your life, and no matter what path you take, there will always be an outcome to what has happened. What that outcome will be, has yet to be determined.
Right now, the fact that she may have told you the truth is secondary. She is (1) disregarding your feelings, and (2) becoming irritated and defensive about it. That is not how you treat your partner in life, is it? All that this attitude has done, is to spin your mind in a thousand directions.
If I was to give you advice, it would be to accept her ACTIONS as fact. You have tried very lovingly and compassionately to get your point across(did you give her Joseph's Letter?). You have read information, and tried to gain much understanding about the way that not only you feel, but the way that she may be thinking. In my opinion, this is not about attrition...and wearing her down to make a confession.
Take what she has showed you, and act accordingly from this. If you want to remain married, then you can attempt to do so, but most likely with a guarded and partially empty heart. Trust will diminish to a very low point, then have to be attempted to build back up over time. More than likely, a small level of resentment will plant its seed, and grow to a certain level over time. You will not see her in quite the same light that you used to before, and perhaps even a little bit less as each day passes by.
What I am trying to say, it that the genie can't be put back into the bottle. It will never be "let go of" in the fact that it is in the open now. It will continue to eat at you. Again, this is my opinion, and I could be off base, but I don't think so.
The question that I am screaming out loud is why isn't she trying to ease your pain? If she is being 100% honest, why does it not bother her that she sees her husband in pain, when he has the total truth, and is not helping him? Why is she only protecting herself?
Can you go on like this the rest of your life, OldSoul? Can you accept what she has told you as fact, and put it behind you?
Truth given or not, you are going to have a lot of work to do, to get yourself back into a good mental place. I sure hope that your wife steps up to the plate to help you through this.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
through that conversation many times (4?)already and I should just forgive and let it go.
Many times a gut feeling can be triggered by something you have no clue. She brought up the past a year ago and now again you're wondering.
Do you think your wife has had another affair more recently?
Why do you think she ever brought up 30 years ago in the first place.
Guilt is a funny thing which is why I wonder why she brought it up again.
Sooner or later this has to be taken care of. You cannot continue to wonder. You have to be careful not to push your wife over the edge either...since this is not like dealing with a current affair.
And it isnt like you just found out either.
Tell her it is really bothering you that she suddenly brought this up a year ago. And the key here is that it is bothering you.
A question for you about your current feelings... Do you feel something is not right now, today with your wife. Or is this ALL about the past.
Instead of all the wondering and asking her, since she could not actually remember the guys names, she could take a polygraph and end of story.
She is now very reluctant to engage in any conversation about either the PA (before marriage) or the EA (married) as she cites we've been through that conversation many times (4?)already and I should just forgive and let it go.
I think in her mind it's old history and/or water under the bridge and you should just let it go. Unfortunately, I think the more you ask, the more she's going to dig her heels in and stick with the same story.
However, I feel that I should be the one that decides when to let it go as I suffered the injury.
It seems that reluctance may be an avoidance strategy so as to not trip up on conflicting information or give new information (unwittingly)attesting to the fact she did not give full disclosure during the times before. Its a don't play with fire-don't get burned attitude.
Nail on the head! Especially if the story is full of half truths or outright lies. Do you know how hard it is to consciously remember a lie? Add to that, every lieyou tell needs yet another to support it.
I don't know that I would go the polygraph route because if she said no to taking it, what then?
I do wish you luck in your quest to get the facts and as has been said before, I truly hope you don't find out devastating information that you cannot get past. Good luck.
I am so astounded at the amount of SI members telling you to "let it go". It so goes against SI philosophy in general. I do NOT feel that the fact that you had not yet married somehow gives her a free pass.
Yes, you risk the truth ending your M. But IMO not knowing is going to eat you up. When she says "let it go or let me go"...wow, just wow. She is essentially already threatening divorce. She is determined not to tell you more. If she were me, and I really didn't remember, I would be screaming "I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER!" but I would not be threatening divorce.
My only advice would be counseling, I just wanted to add my voice to the very wise Holly-Isis and others who think you deserve to know the truth.
In the late winter of 1984, she and I went on our first weekend outing to a ski resort in North Carolina. From that weekend, there are several pictures (if you've followed by thread, the irony of using pictures is delicious) and one is my favorite of her wearing her skiing outfit, holding skis and looking directly at me with the most loving gaze.
I've been thinking that I will never find out what I want to know by using coercive and tricky means, so I have devised a plan to enter her mind through her heart as this is the only way most people would divulge secrets, etc.
I have made the picture mentioned above the desktop picture on my Iphone. And waited for the right moment, for her to see it.
Earlier, I had the whole story typed out, went to preview/edit and lost it. So, for that reason, I will submit several small posts, so that can't happen again.
To be continued...
I got the phone to check emails, and noticed that she had noticed the picture. Here's how the conversation went, to the best of my memory...
Me: Do you remember this?
Her: Yes, that was a long time ago.
Me: Yes, 1984, our first weekend date. It was a sleepover....
Her: (laughing) Yes.
Me: I remember driving through all of those small towns where the stoplights seemed to stay red forever, thought we'd never get there. It was dark when we finally did.
Her: Yes, what I remember is cuddling by the fireplace all night.
Me; So that's what you're calling it now (laughing)- you have a good memory (anyone catch the irony in that statement?).
To be continued...
Me: She loved me more than anything and I killed her.
Me: I killed her.
Her: What? How?
Her: Not all of her died...
Me: All she wanted was for me to love her back like she loved me, but I was too consumed by other B-lls--t to see it. So, she did this thing with another man, and she died.
Her: But not all of her. She wouldn't be here...
Me: She wanted so much, just to live. But I killed her.
You know what the crappiest part of all this is?
Her: but she came back... she didn't die...
Me: Oh yes, that part of her, the innocent, in love more than anything face you see in that picture....
Her: She thought she was only being used by you, what was the difference? She didn't fully die...
Me: I know I may have not been fully engaged, but the point is that he used her, got away with it and to this day, I don't even know who he is.
He got away with taking the most precious thing I had and thirty years later, I don't even know who he is. Or maybe was...
Her: (softly) can we change subjects, please?
Me: I don't even know who he was; how is that fair? (Looking at the phone) She was my girlfriend...
So, we changed topics and she asked me to hold her while she went to sleep at bedtime. All day, today, she has been texting with flirty comments about yesterday's lovemaking. I feel the conversation about the beach trip needs to simmer awhile. I purposely worded it to make it me and her against him. Understanding her point of view of not feeling loved by me, etc. Although, it doesn't excuse the sexual encounter, it seeks to understand why it happened.
I want to know who this guy was.