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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Should I Do?
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friend

I‘ve kept off this thread because… well… it seems so pointless.
Yes – I get it you were betrayed and yes – I get it that it’s been 30 year and yes – it IS infidelity.
But IMHO if she had told you his name right away when you discovered the affair… you would be hanging on to another detail. What positions did they use? What music was in the background? What were the colors of his socks? Was he bigger? Did she moan his name? Whatever…
And I venture that you would dig and dig until you found some issue she couldn’t answer.
And be all hung up from that.

If she had told you right away that his name was Harry Wallbanger, or Alfred E Neuman… would you feel better? What would you do? Go find all with that name and phone them?

I’ve been married to the same woman for +25 years. Previous to that I had a number of partners. I can’t remember all their names. Your wife could have minimized this… well…. Obsessions by simply giving you SOME name. At least there is honesty in her reply.

I strongly urge you to sit down and THINK what is the result you want. Be realistic; she can’t unfuck him. She can’t undo what happened. So what do you want? What good will a name do IF she truthfully can’t remember?
Do you want punishment or revenge? Neither is an option. You basically have a choice over reconciling or divorcing. That’s it. But if you decide to reconcile then one of the things you two need to do is dig up this affair, analyze it, get the scope, get the healing and then bury it without ever forgetting whatever lessons it teaches you.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe the number of people telling Old Soul to "get over it" and trying to tell him that this one detail isn't important. I am angry on his behalf. This site is for healing. This site is to help the hurt person walk through this shit and come to their own conclusions as to whether or not a certain detail is important.

Let's look at the facts:
He just had a dday. His wife cheated. Holy crap, this site is for exactly that. Check! He's in the right place.

He stated that he would NOT have married her if he had this info at the time she cheated. This is huge. His whole 30 year marriage feels like a sham to him. Why would he just roll over and say "Never Mind Pumpkin. It's OK"

He is trying to get all the information. Again, almost every single member here has done that. His problem is that the cheating was 30 friggin years ago, which makes finding the details much harder. It's a Cold Case. But this hurt is STILL new and raw to him.

His wife is GETTING ANGRY when he brings it up!!! WTH? This is classic and this is damaging to the BS. She should be all in and trying to help him through this. Her attitude is the issue here. I can't believe the older members don't see through his obsession with the name. It's the only way he can bring it up with his Wife. It is a piece of HIS PUZZLE. Why is it wrong of him to want the rest of his puzzle?

How is it OK for his W to say "you keep bringing this up and you're not getting over it". How? It isn't ok for any other WS to say that, is it?

This is JFO, not general and not D/S. This is new. Raw. Painful. This surviving infidelity shit is hard as hell. We all have our path. Let him have his.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6135 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard times, I'd fully agree if I could assume WW is lying about not remembering his name. Are you making that assumption?

Maybe hypnotherapy delving into repressed memories would work?

And despite her recollection of the positions used during the event, I'm not willing to assume that he even told,her his real name. Guys do lie to get laid, after all.

My issue remains unresolved.what happens,when and if gets the name? What is to be done with that information? He either knows him or he doesn't. If he doesn't, does he plan to track the guy down. A guy who may or may not remember a night of fun 30 years ago.

If the inquiry is over once a name is disclosed, then what is the point. The sin has been confessed and that's the important part.

She has good cause to be fearful of disclosure without knowing the purpose of this relentless inquiry.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:22 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Shocked  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schad, I don't think I would try and track anyone down after all this time. To be honest, I know I would likely try to look him up as male surnames rarely change as do female surnames after marriage. I just think my curiosity would win; just being honest.

The idea here is that one can infer a major Trickle Truthing at play as pointed out be her forgetting information she has already told me.

I had actually let this go after our last HTH talk one night where she was so sincere and convincing. Then, some months later, I came across those d--- pictures which started it all back up as it was not easily explainable and she was simply blindsided that I had brought them to her and asked, nicely and simply, for an explanation.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I meant to add this into the last post. Yes, I am assuming she is lying about the name. Why?

1. This woman has a memory for details. I'm serious. And not just for ordinary stuff. It is uncanny some time. Example relating to sex: When passing through my hometown, we noticed a motel we had stayed at being torn down. I made a comment if she remembered that night. She said, "Yes. That night was your personal best - 5 times." (This is in no way me trying to brag, I was young and had LOTS of energy)I had completely forgotten where that had happened, but she didn't. And that happened 31 years ago.

2. I can understand a guy giving a fake name. But later, she gave him her number and he called for another date. Does it seem feasible he was going by an alias. Also, remember the conversation about her brother. Wouldn't he be on the up and up at least about his identity. He figured she was single and available. Why would have reason to lie about his name?

3. Let's say for a moment, she did forget his name. If she gave a care, she would at least try to remember of find out. It just don't add up.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she doing anything to help find the answers you need? Has she actually sat down...with you..or a friend..or even by herself...and spent ANY time remembering that time in her life?

If the answer is "no," then I would want to know why not. She cheated. It may have happened thirty years ago, but the betrayal is the same. And she can see that she has caused you pain. If she is remorseful, and if she wants to help you, then she should spend some time actually thinking about the questions you have asked. She should try and find the answers.

Almost every one of us have heard " I don't know/remember." And almost all of the time that means they know, but don't want to deal with the consequences of you finding out the truth.

I don't think it's his name that is the issue here. I think you are asking these questions to determine your wife's remorse and commitment to you and your marriage. If she were more willing to talk about what she did, and if she was being proactive in finding you the answers to your questions, I think the answers, in the end, really won't matter. What will matter is her effort and her honesty.

Edited because my original post asked how her memory is when it comes to other things, and your last post answered my question. She has a great memory...just not THIS. Hmmm.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:55 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard times, I'd fully agree if I could assume WW is lying about not remembering his name. Are you making that assumption?

Hey Schad. The only assumption I'm making is that the name is important to Old Soul. And if she can't remember the name then it's important to Old Soul that she at least have some concern for him enough to either try to find out the name or try to make Old Soul comfortable with her lacking memory. She is showing no remorse and doesn't seem to care that her admission caused OS this pain.

And furthermore, his WW has no right to be "fearful of disclosure". She needs to disclose and let the chips fall where they may. He has every right to the truth. As much right as if she slept with that guy last week. I have never heard it said if a wayward didn't want to disclose the truth or the name that they had the right to be "fearful". Pffhhh. We have all wanted to retaliate in some way or another. Again, it's part of the process.

Everyone is stuck on the "name". I believe the name is just the first step in Old Soul's process. Once he gets the name his brain will move on and he'll go to the next step. We have all gone through this process in our healing. OS would not need to obsess over this name if his ww was forthcoming, remorseful and willing to do whatever he needs to heal.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6135 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said HardTimes... thank you.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is stuck on the "name". I believe the name is just the first step in Old Soul's process. Once he gets the name his brain will move on and he'll go to the next step. We have all gone through this process in our healing. OS would not need to obsess over this name if his ww was forthcoming, remorseful and willing to do whatever he needs to heal.

I absolute agree with this.

OldSoul has just found out a short time ago that his life is not how he knew it. He has to absorb the initial trauma, regain his footing, and start HIS healing process. And there is no single accepted path to recovery here. Everyone's healing process varies.

I say this because of his WW's lack of empathy. She is not making him feel safe in his marriage. Name or not, what is she doing to help OldSoul?

Is she a FORMER wayward, due to her lack of sex outside the marriage in the last 3 decades? Or is she a current wayward, because she never helped her husband heal?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of looking back through the whole thread, OldSoul...would you have married her if you had known what you know today, or actually last year?

She might remember his first name, which very likely is John. Remember last names is another story. I have a superb memory, except for last names.


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Jun 2002
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say for sure if I had known at the time the relationship would have ended that day. No doubt, no reservations. She held it a secret for so long because she knew how I felt about it.

We became parents the second year in and three years later had another child. So very soon, not knowing how I would react. This episode got compartmentalized and re-emerged when we became empty nesters.

I have pretty much given up on this quest, but can sense a resentment over how this played out festering. I feel at this point, the marriage will never be the same and will likely take a turn for the worse. I hope their damn orgasm was worth it.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the problems is that your wife has emphatically stated that she does not remember. If now she suddenly comes up with the name of the guy then she is exposed as a liar. So she will carry on 'not remembering' because she does not want to be humiliated in this manner. She has painted herself into a corner and can only persist with the same story if she wishes to avoid embarrassment.

Besides if she does recall a name, whose to say it isn't fictitious?


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
cissi
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Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes – I get it you were betrayed and yes – I get it that it’s been 30 year and yes – it IS infidelity.

If I understood correctly, this happened when they were three months into their relationship. I don't consider that infidelity.

They were so young then - what, in college?

I would really like to see Old Soul let this go, but then I'm certainly not him.

I will say I have had partners 30 years ago that I could not remember their names.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
cissi
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Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His wife is GETTING ANGRY when he brings it up!!!

If she truly cannot remember what the guy's name was, then of course she is getting angry. What more can she tell him? She has told him every detail about that night except this one thing, because she cannot remember. I would get frustrated too were I her.

Of course a person has to believe she really cannot remember his name for this to be understood. Most here seem to think she really does know it.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
nuance
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Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, what if she's protecting someone? Yes, it is important to know his name. Maybe he is Joe Doe but maybe he is the friendly neighbor or the guy you meet every 4th of July?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Tom67
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Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cissi I don't believe she doesn't remember given what Oldsoul said.
I suggest he take a little more time but like he said if she lied about this what else did she lie about?
Like he said if he knew about then they would have been done.
She is protecting the other man sorry that's the way I see it.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cissi, we were together for over two years and in a committed relationship (I thought) when this happened. Just a small illustration about the betrayal as an example: I came home to my apartment after teaching a morning class on the Monday following her beach trip. She had a key to my apartment and had left a card on my pillow (awwww) which stated "I sure missed you this weekend!!" in her handwriting. I still have the card and it is dated as well as that is something I've/we've always done. Is it infidelity now?


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she truly cannot remember what the guy's name was, then of course she is getting angry. What more can she tell him? She has told him every detail about that night except this one thing, because she cannot remember. I would get frustrated too were I her.

Seriously?
How about "I'm sorry I cheated on you. You didn't deserve that then and you don't deserve this pain now. If I could go back in time and change anything that would be it. I want to do whatever it takes to get us through this. Do you have any ideas that might help us figure out his name?"
That would be a great start if you ask me!


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6135 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh...
As with most affairs it's not the act bt it's the lies.
Just sayin.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 12:22 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cissi, we were together for over two years and in a committed relationship (I thought) when this happened. Just a small illustration about the betrayal as an example: I came home to my apartment after teaching a morning class on the Monday following her beach trip. She had a key to my apartment and had left a card on my pillow (awwww) which stated "I sure missed you this weekend!!" in her handwriting. I still have the card and it is dated as well as that is something I've/we've always done. Is it infidelity now?

My apologies Old Soul - I don't know where I got the idea you were only in the relationship for a short time. Yes, it is infidelity now.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
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