To all, no, I doubt OP is going to divorce over this, but refusing to be honest will definitely affect the marriage. She may not realize the damage she is doing, but she is definitely damaging the relationship by keeping this secret. She's been asked, and she needs to answer.
Yes, she had a history, and confessed one partner to me so that I wouldn't find out from mutual friends, at least that's how I saw it. It was early in our relationship, so if a deal breaker, she wouldn't have invested too much in me.. But as to numbers, names, places, dates, first and last, I don't know.
Sire I'd like to know, but Ithink it's too latte to start asking those questions now. And, for reasons too complicated to explain, she's met about half of my ex gf's.
You may. Know him. If you do, I don't think you want to know.
Does she show any curiosity about your sexual history?
Ever hear the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie"?
If the ONS was Ronald Reagan and Henry Kissinger, or if it was Tom Selleck or those Miami Vice guys would you feel better? Or worse than if was the high school qb.
Sorry to be flippant, but I don't see this plan ending well. Maybe it won't cause problems, and maybe I bought the winning MegaMillions ticket tonight.
Good luck. Part,of my atitide,is jealousy since I won't ask my W those questions.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:29 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]
The problem here is that her reluctance to answer your questions honestly, is now making you wonder more and more.
When someone hides something and it is obvious, it just makes it that more curious.
Is there ANY answer that she could give you that could hurt your marriage, any answer that could ruin 29 years of a fine marriage just like that?
If not, tell her that.
I guess, if it were me, I would be curious, because that is the way I am.
And I would also wonder, why in the world my wife went so far as to tell me these things and then stop from telling me the rest. Almost like, if you werent going to tell me the entire truth, why the heck did you bring it up in the first place.
This is good advice. If something that happened 30 years ago is still bothering you, then you should get the answers IF you think you can handle the truth. If she tells you something that there was a lot more, is that going to be a deal breaker and ruin your marriage at this point???
You don't want to forget about it so i would tell her she needs to tell you.
This idea that you shouldn't rock the boat because its your birthday is laughable.
I had a girlfriend for about two months when I was in graduate school (24 years ago)... TWO MONTHS! I couldn't tell you her name if I tried. Do you remember the name of every girl you've ever slept with?
Maybe her mom was off that day from work and did take the picture. Do you want to go back through her mother's employment records to check? Maybe she just asked someone on the beach to take the picture. It is very possible that she just has no idea - it was a moment in time 3 decades ago. To say that there is any "evidence" here of anything else is pure conjecture, nothing else.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. It's long over and you guys have, thankfully, had a long and wonderful relationship. The only problem here is that you don't want to believe her and you can't let it go.
Sorry - but I don't see ANY benefit in pursuing this. The only thing that can happen is she finally gets so fed up with your being consumed by this, 30 years after the fact, that it ends up in WWIII and continues to spoil your relationship.
Why do that? Let it go! Go enjoy your birthday, your wife and your marriage!
Just caught up on your entire thread. Sorry I'm not a lady... but, you know you are absolutely right on the money. This is clearly what your gut is telling you and the evidence clearly supports your gut.
I really liked that speech that you have prepared for your b-day. You should do that if this is what you need to do. It's from your heart and hopefully she will recognize that. In fact, I might even add a little tidbit about honesty and trust as a foundation of a marriage and this is why you are being honest with her about how you feel. She should reciprocate. Even let her know that it's the lies and the TT that hurt more than anything else and it's compounded by all the years. Hurts even more that she doesn't trust you with the truth. Let her know that as well.
I'm glad you found SI OS. Don't feel bad about posting and working through your story as it may not be the typical one. It's about surviving infidelity and you are on that path. My story is not a typical one either as I'm not a BS or a WS. I'm a betrayed child dealing with the aftermath of an A from 25 years ago.
Just curious, does your gut think that the PA from when you are dating and the EA from when you were married are related in anyway and maybe that's why she won't tell you?
ETA - typos
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:46 AM, June 13th (Friday)]
I am 56, and I remember the name of every single guy I slept with before marrying my H. No, there were not many, just a few, but I remember their names. And I have had absolutely no problem telling H who they were...except for one. One guy that H and I worked with. Now, I had really done nothing wrong, I never even actually slept with the guy, but we did get naked and fool around. H and I were not even dating at the time. But somehow, H must have heard some talk at work, and after we started dating, he asked me about it. And I lied. I lied because I was afraid of H's reaction. I didn't want him to think I was a slut. And I knew that whatever H had heard that originally had tipped him off, had to have been from this coworker bragging that he had nailed me.
We have now been married for almost 34 yrs, and I just in the last few years revealed to H what had actually happened.
H revealed a few years ago that one girl he dated, (someone that we still bump into occasionally) that he had led me to believe was 'just a fuck buddy' had actually traveled 5 hrs every weekend to visit him after he moved to a different state!!!! Yeah, that hurt BADLY, very badly. Not that it really changed anything in our marriage, but it, in my opinion was dishonest. Here I have been bumping into this person all these years thinking that she and H we nothing more than fuck buddies, and then I find out there was an actual relationship! That really hurt, but, knowing truth has been helpful!
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:10 AM, June 13th (Friday)]
It is starting to sound like this is a very bad memory for your wife.
I don't see how you are ever going to let this drop now. It is festering in your mind now to the point of no return.
People with good memories like you probably have can look back and remember 30 years ago like it was yesterday...yes time does move fast, it does seem like yesterday.
Since you and her have such a good relationship, you should tell her you need this question answered and the answer will in no way hurt the marriage.
Be damn sure you mean that though. Don't go nuts when she tells you something you don't want to hear.
The color drained out of your wife's face when she saw you had the photo album, no she doesn't like this memory at all.
She did something she regrets today and regretted at 3am 30 years ago.
I would say the following:
"There is no answer to my question that will endanger our marriage in any way. period. Please just tell me the truth, and I will never bring it up again."
Let it go.
First, let's assume she knew the guy beforehand, and either he went with them or they met him at the beach. They knew each other through the brother, so they hung out. Maybe there had always been a certain attraction. Add a little nervousness about how serious your relationship was getting, would you get married, is she ready for marriage, etc., add a little alcohol, and things happen. They sleep together.
She's scared. She calls you in the middle of the night to discuss your relationship. If you don't think it's serious (the relationship I mean) maybe she would have kept this guy around as a back-up. But you said it was serious, so she realizes it's you she wants and jettisons the other guy. He calls her later, but that doesn't mean she gave him her number. As you say this was pre cell phones, and home numbers were usually listed in phonebooks (hahaha phonebooks...remember those???)He doesn't get anywhere because she has chosen you.
Now let's go a little further. He is someone you know. Maybe even someone you see occasionally and have seen numerous times over the last 30 years. He might even be someone you consider a friend.
If she tells you, can you honestly tell me that would be the end of it? Or would you start to think more about this, start to question what happened at each and every barbecue you have all been at, think about every minute where they were both out of your sight at the same time. Maybe you have kids the same age, so you start to question what happened at every kid's sporting event when she went but you didn't / couldn't. Was he there? Did they talk? Relive old times?
Are you starting to get why she might not want to re-open this wound?
I understand your desire to know, believe me I do. But I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. You're trying to get a picture of your wife as she existed 30 years ago, when you have, as you described her, a loving, faithful wonderful wife right in front of you, here and now.
Tread carefully my friend. We are, sometimes, our own worst enemies. Personally, if it were me, when your wife again asks what you want for your birthday, I would say it's to spend the rest of my life with such a wonderful woman. And maybe anal.