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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Should I Do?
donotlietome
♀ Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think this could be eating at you because deep down you suspect that there is more cheating during your marriage than what she has admitted to?

Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2009
LifeIsTooWeird
♀ Member
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just out of curiosity, what happened to her girl friend? Do you all still talk? Was she married at the time? Did she begin a relationship with some guy shortly after that night? Reflect on the friend and what happened in her life. If she started a relationship with someone you knew around the time, the "other guy" at the beach that day could've been one of his friends or and this is just a thought, maybe there was no other guy, maybe there was just 3 people at the beach that day.


Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
Charity411
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Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This lady's take is that she honestly can't remember.

I just did a little exercise in my head. I graduated from high school a bit over 30 years ago. My favorite class was French. I tried to remember the names of the people in my class. I heard the names of my classmates every day for an entire school year. I came up with one. That's because he married my sister a couple years later. And I have a very good memory.

As for her giving him her phone number, that was back in the day when everyone was listed in the phone book because you had to pay extra to not be listed, which by the way, never made any sense to me. So I don't see why there is an automatic assumption that she must remember his name because she had to have given him her phone number. That doesn't make any sense to me either.

I absolutely have no clue who the photographer was at my first wedding. And I hired him... or her?

It's not for me or anyone else to say your feelings aren't valid. But sometimes we can work so hard at looking for trouble we see it whether it's there or not. I totally envy what you have. A person that has loved you for 30 years. What a precious gift. If it were me, that's what I would spend my time focusing on with great joy.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justastatistic - that was a great post, especially the ending- big laugh. Your points are very real. As well as a point brought up by the last poster. If she has lied about this, then what else might she have lied about. Not trying to be overly hard on her... she seems to have been committed to our family all along. But remember, I never expected a thing all these years. Maybe deep down Freudian I do have fears that have not surfaced.
To answer a previous poster, yes, I do remember all the names of former lovers as well as the circumstances surrounding the events. It was the 70s - my god, how did we lived through it all? And, her mother was working as the parents ran a business which required both to be there when open, but, you made a good point about just asking someone to snap a pic or two of them both. I wonder where to other pics on the roll ended up? Negatives? Muhahahaha. And finally, good point about the phone book, it was listed, her father was well known in that town. But how did the OM know his name? All that info, but can't remember the guys name... mmmm... not even a first name; already tried that one.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Charity for your interest and input in my case. But being intimate with someone is different than sitting in class with them IMHO. The "friend" ended up being a bridesmaid at our wedding, married to her college sweetheart, although I've heard through the grapevine they nearly divorced a few years ago. I'm not sure if those two were dating at the time, but even still, won't touch that no matter what. She wouldn't budge with info anyway, would incriminate her as well and she would be loyal to my wife, I believe, and not remember anything about it. What beach trip?!?!?!?


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
adriana1980
♀ Member
Member # 41780
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it extremely hard to believe that she wouldn't remember the name of the man she had cheated with on you. Actually, I don't believe it at all. There must be a reason why she doesn't want you to know who it really was.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2013
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She knows his name. Im guessing he is someone you know. Maybe someone who has been in your life for the last 30 years. She has some reason for not telling you. She is either protecting herself, or the OM. But not you. And I agree...classmates are one thing...people you have had sex with are another. Unless a person has been with a lot of people, most generally remember those they've had sex with. Also, you say your WW has a great memory. So..yeah...she's lying.

Ask her to take a polygraph.

Also, I don't care that this happened 30 years ago. This is new to you. You have every right, and every reason, to be upset.

No way would I let this go. You say she has been a good wife for the last 30 years, and that may very well be true. But she has also lied to you...for 30 years. She married you knowing she had been unfaithful. You made a vow, and promises, to a woman who was lying to you.

Did her mom take the pic? Maybe. Does she know OM's name? Most likely. Ask her to take the polygraph, then once the truth is out, you can deal with this.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:40 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OldSoul,

If you are going to speculate on this one night stand from thirty years ago, why not come up with some versions that put your W in a good light? Like, maybe this guy sexually assaulted her, or, if the sex was consensual, but really unpleasant. Maybe it's a coincidence that her face paled at that very moment. I don't know, and maybe you are right, but I am getting the sense that you're looking for something...something bad (and other posters are revving up on this feeling).

I have been sexually active for 35 years. I cannot remember the name of the first guy I had sex with. Seriously. It was 35 years ago. I barely remember what he looked like. Guys I had a longer or serious relationship with, yes. Other guys? No way. And I have pictures of some of these guys too. If I didn't write the name on the back, it's long gone.

I have pictures of friends from college. Again, not recalling many of their names.

And also, unless she was cheating on you during this incident, does it matter? Is it from before you were a couple?

If it's really bugging you, then be upfront with her and discuss it calmly and maturely. But I think you need to stop trying to find ways to trap her into a, what, confession? Don't play gotcha. It is not good for your relationship with your wife.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 889 | Registered: Sep 2012
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she has lied about this, then what else might she have lied about.
Your own mind is now becoming your own worst enemy.

You are starting to get suspicious of everything and if you're not careful, you're going to start believing all kinds of bad things. The imagination can be very dangerous.

Your wife

She said it was awkward and painful
You can take painful as terrible sex or mentally painful. I assumed terrible sex.

It sounds like a bad memory.

I once again say, she shouldn't have brought it up again without telling the entire story..not fair.

I do remember all the names of former lovers as well as the circumstances surrounding the events. It was the 70s - my god, how did we lived through it all?
I do most of them, not all. It depends, there are lovers which you would remember and there are just one time girls or whatever, not all of which I remember.

But, I would remember if the sex was awkward and painful or would I want to forget that.

Now you are asking questions only a psychiatrist might know the answer to.

My opinion is, she remembers the name otherwise she wouldn't have remembered painful.

My opinion is, this is NOT a good memory for her.

So be careful or you could conjure up all kinds of bad feelings in her mind. That is never good.

Make it another heart to heart talk as two close friends would. Not as someone who actually dating her then and married now...if you understand that.


Posts: 4300 | Registered: Jun 2002
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Frustrated  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I pretty much have decided to bring up one more time, later this month when I feel the timing is good, but as you suggest, in a friendly H2H manner where she will be more open.

[This message edited by OldSoul at 8:23 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope the talk went well. Just remember whatever she tells you, it was 30 very long years ago.

And she might hate the memory as much as you hate hearing it.


Posts: 4300 | Registered: Jun 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say I'm truly shocked at the amount of people telling OldSoul to 'get over it'. He just made this observation. Who are any of us to decide what matters to him? Would any of us accept a lie from our spouses? He JUST asked her. So what if it was 30 years ago. It's not to him. Yes, he knew of the ONS. He's since discovered her story is most likely a lie. And he's being told to 'get over it'?

So, if I discover a lie today about my H's A from 4 years ago, should I 'get over it', or am I still within the acceptable timeframe? What about 8 years, or 10? When do I relinquish my right to the truth?

It makes me sad to see so many BSs here being so unsupportive.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past:
So, if I discover a lie today about my H's A from 4 years ago, should I 'get over it',
They weren't married at the time and have had a good marriage for 29 years.

I dont think anyone is telling him to get over it. Just to ask in a friendly way.


Posts: 4300 | Registered: Jun 2002
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True, it's been 29 years and my common sense tells me to drop it and, for the most part I do just that. Why rock the boat? But, at least once a day, it crosses my mind: the circumstances, the mental images, the secret(s) held so long, etc. As Craig has pointed out, you can be your worse enemy, as I will end up in a funk thinking about all this. In a round about way I feel she told me so many years later, thinking it would relieve her conscience, lessen the blow to me, and the ordeal would be forgotten history. I wish it could be. I truly do.
My problem is minuscule compared to the other 99.9% posters on here (my god, some are just horror stories) but coping with this is more than I realized. In some ways ignorance is bliss. Be how do you I bring a bell?


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, your wife is not being truthful; either directly or by omission. So you are going to browbeat her into not only telling you the real truth, but revealing that she is a liar when she claimed her mother took the pics. and stating that it was an ONS not a short affair.

This took place 30 years ago and now you are going to expose your wife as a liar. What you can't see is that you are going to severely humiliate your wife by revealing her untruths.

The events of 30 years ago can be dismissed, however you are attempting to label your wife as a current pathetic storyteller, who dug a pit for herself with a succession of lies. You may pay for forcing this humiliation on your wife. Drop this witch hunt before real damage is caused. Be merciful; don't expose her fabrication and strip her of her pride; after all there's little to be gained from this interrogation.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
doggiediva
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with painful past and some other posters...
The character of the WS is revealed in how he/she deals with the questions even if they are about something that happened such a loooooong time ago..In the end all that you may want to know about is somethingt your WS's character and loyalty/devotion ..Can you trust her to the end of your days.....So whatever/however you can get that kind of info whether it means rehashing or not rehashing the past...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:36 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Nov 2011
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless she was banging the entire football team, every week during the summer at the beach house, she knows exactly who it was, what they did, who she told, etc..

On the other hand, she told you it happened. Give her credit where credit is due.

It's quite a jump from a snapshot of the two girls on the beach to proof that some OM took it. It may have been a bystander

I've had pics taken like that and I'm no male model. Girls have non trouble getting bystanders to take pictures of them especially in swimsuits

Deer in headlights? Maybe she was looking at you like you were paranoid or something. There are lots,of pics of me that I have no idea who took them, even though they were taken with my camera. Or maybe you are right and she knows exactly who took the picture.

The overriding issue, to me anyway, is what will you do with this information? It's either someone you know, or a stranger.
Figure out your course of action in either event. I don think you should wing it. If a stranger, you haven't learned anything new. If someone you know, or knew, your reaction may be stronger than you think it will be. During my wife's long ago confession, I asked,who it was,and told,her I needed to know in the event I knew him. Turns out I didn't. But I recall thinking that if by chance it were somebody I knew personally or professionally, it might be a deal breaker. I should have asked more questions, but I wasn't planning on a confession that night. Do,I wish I had been thinking better? You bet. But now it's too late for me to ask.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post (how does this happen ?????) erased.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:13 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a round about way I feel she told me so many years later, thinking it would relieve her conscience, lessen the blow to me, and the ordeal would be forgotten history.
The whole problem here as I see it is that she did NOT tell you anything or everything but open a can of worms.

With your good memory thinking back to that night 30 years ago, and now add this in. The can of worms is open and might not be able to be closed...all the way.

Your wife really should not have brought this up at all in a normal conversation.

What in the heck were you and her talking about when she brought this up.

Can of worms can turn into a real mess. Darn shame she ever brought this up without finishing it.

What is the worst case answer she could give you?

Would the worst case answer affect your feelings towards your wife...who wasn't even your wife when this happened.

Would the worst case answer hurt your marriage at all.

The fact she lied about who took the picture just made the can or worms open more for your mind.

Darn shame she opened that can of worms in the first place.


Posts: 4300 | Registered: Jun 2002
OldSoul
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Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that can of worms is smelly! We were pulled into a Sonic DriveOn Restaurant, just talking about stuff. The conversation led to the worst thing you've ever done to a person. I started by something I did in college (had not met her then) which now I regret and feel ashamed about. Since this begins the conversation, I will fill you in somewhat. I was a GA in graduate school working in Government Documents. These two very pretty, best friends would come by, often, had have me pull stuff for them from microfiche. They were tight, having been friends since childhood, etc. Sometime that semester, I was at a dance club and hooked up with one and went back to the college apartments to spend the night. Her roommate was the best friend. The next morning, I HAD to go to the bathroom which was annexed to roommates BR. I slipped in as quietly as possible as not to wake her, but when leaving she was awake, nude, and on top of her bed covers. You know the rest and the first girl walked in, they got into a shouting match. I slipped out went home. I later learned these two fell out over this. Apparently, not over me, but over a constant one upmanship rivalry that had long existed. I was the straw that broke the camels back. Remember, today, I am ashamed of my behavior, but at the time, it was hit it. And I was perfectly single and actually not dating at all when this happened. To be continued...


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
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