I just did a little exercise in my head. I graduated from high school a bit over 30 years ago. My favorite class was French. I tried to remember the names of the people in my class. I heard the names of my classmates every day for an entire school year. I came up with one. That's because he married my sister a couple years later. And I have a very good memory.
As for her giving him her phone number, that was back in the day when everyone was listed in the phone book because you had to pay extra to not be listed, which by the way, never made any sense to me. So I don't see why there is an automatic assumption that she must remember his name because she had to have given him her phone number. That doesn't make any sense to me either.
I absolutely have no clue who the photographer was at my first wedding. And I hired him... or her?
It's not for me or anyone else to say your feelings aren't valid. But sometimes we can work so hard at looking for trouble we see it whether it's there or not. I totally envy what you have. A person that has loved you for 30 years. What a precious gift. If it were me, that's what I would spend my time focusing on with great joy.
Ask her to take a polygraph.
Also, I don't care that this happened 30 years ago. This is new to you. You have every right, and every reason, to be upset.
No way would I let this go. You say she has been a good wife for the last 30 years, and that may very well be true. But she has also lied to you...for 30 years. She married you knowing she had been unfaithful. You made a vow, and promises, to a woman who was lying to you.
Did her mom take the pic? Maybe. Does she know OM's name? Most likely. Ask her to take the polygraph, then once the truth is out, you can deal with this.
[This message edited by confused615 at 2:40 PM, June 13th (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
If you are going to speculate on this one night stand from thirty years ago, why not come up with some versions that put your W in a good light? Like, maybe this guy sexually assaulted her, or, if the sex was consensual, but really unpleasant. Maybe it's a coincidence that her face paled at that very moment. I don't know, and maybe you are right, but I am getting the sense that you're looking for something...something bad (and other posters are revving up on this feeling).
I have been sexually active for 35 years. I cannot remember the name of the first guy I had sex with. Seriously. It was 35 years ago. I barely remember what he looked like. Guys I had a longer or serious relationship with, yes. Other guys? No way. And I have pictures of some of these guys too. If I didn't write the name on the back, it's long gone.
I have pictures of friends from college. Again, not recalling many of their names.
And also, unless she was cheating on you during this incident, does it matter? Is it from before you were a couple?
If it's really bugging you, then be upfront with her and discuss it calmly and maturely. But I think you need to stop trying to find ways to trap her into a, what, confession? Don't play gotcha. It is not good for your relationship with your wife.
If she has lied about this, then what else might she have lied about.
You are starting to get suspicious of everything and if you're not careful, you're going to start believing all kinds of bad things. The imagination can be very dangerous.
She said it was awkward and painful
It sounds like a bad memory.
I once again say, she shouldn't have brought it up again without telling the entire story..not fair.
I do remember all the names of former lovers as well as the circumstances surrounding the events. It was the 70s - my god, how did we lived through it all?
But, I would remember if the sex was awkward and painful or would I want to forget that.
Now you are asking questions only a psychiatrist might know the answer to.
My opinion is, she remembers the name otherwise she wouldn't have remembered painful.
My opinion is, this is NOT a good memory for her.
So be careful or you could conjure up all kinds of bad feelings in her mind. That is never good.
Make it another heart to heart talk as two close friends would. Not as someone who actually dating her then and married now...if you understand that.
[This message edited by OldSoul at 8:23 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]
And she might hate the memory as much as you hate hearing it.
So, if I discover a lie today about my H's A from 4 years ago, should I 'get over it', or am I still within the acceptable timeframe? What about 8 years, or 10? When do I relinquish my right to the truth?
It makes me sad to see so many BSs here being so unsupportive.
So, if I discover a lie today about my H's A from 4 years ago, should I 'get over it',
I dont think anyone is telling him to get over it. Just to ask in a friendly way.
This took place 30 years ago and now you are going to expose your wife as a liar. What you can't see is that you are going to severely humiliate your wife by revealing her untruths.
The events of 30 years ago can be dismissed, however you are attempting to label your wife as a current pathetic storyteller, who dug a pit for herself with a succession of lies. You may pay for forcing this humiliation on your wife. Drop this witch hunt before real damage is caused. Be merciful; don't expose her fabrication and strip her of her pride; after all there's little to be gained from this interrogation.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:36 PM, June 16th (Monday)]
On the other hand, she told you it happened. Give her credit where credit is due.
It's quite a jump from a snapshot of the two girls on the beach to proof that some OM took it. It may have been a bystander
I've had pics taken like that and I'm no male model. Girls have non trouble getting bystanders to take pictures of them especially in swimsuits
Deer in headlights? Maybe she was looking at you like you were paranoid or something. There are lots,of pics of me that I have no idea who took them, even though they were taken with my camera. Or maybe you are right and she knows exactly who took the picture.
The overriding issue, to me anyway, is what will you do with this information? It's either someone you know, or a stranger.
Figure out your course of action in either event. I don think you should wing it. If a stranger, you haven't learned anything new. If someone you know, or knew, your reaction may be stronger than you think it will be. During my wife's long ago confession, I asked,who it was,and told,her I needed to know in the event I knew him. Turns out I didn't. But I recall thinking that if by chance it were somebody I knew personally or professionally, it might be a deal breaker. I should have asked more questions, but I wasn't planning on a confession that night. Do,I wish I had been thinking better? You bet. But now it's too late for me to ask.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:13 PM, June 16th (Monday)]
In a round about way I feel she told me so many years later, thinking it would relieve her conscience, lessen the blow to me, and the ordeal would be forgotten history.
With your good memory thinking back to that night 30 years ago, and now add this in. The can of worms is open and might not be able to be closed...all the way.
Your wife really should not have brought this up at all in a normal conversation.
What in the heck were you and her talking about when she brought this up.
Can of worms can turn into a real mess. Darn shame she ever brought this up without finishing it.
What is the worst case answer she could give you?
Would the worst case answer affect your feelings towards your wife...who wasn't even your wife when this happened.
Would the worst case answer hurt your marriage at all.
The fact she lied about who took the picture just made the can or worms open more for your mind.
Darn shame she opened that can of worms in the first place.