After intense cross examination and her heartfelt disclosure, I had no doubt this was pretty much the truth and really did let it go.
A kiss after a party is probably one of the most normal bad things that happen at these parties. Was it really an EA, or did your wife just like the guy.
Your wife called you after the ONS 30 years ago and wanted to know about "us". Which can be taken many ways.
You need to tell your wife your thoughts. It seems like you and her can talk today as if you just met, which is wonderful, so dont ruin that!
You could drop it and go talk to a therapist instead of your wife and see how that works.
But something is obviously nagging at you. What is the worst it could be from 30 years. Obviously it was something that had no impact on your marriage.
And remember, everything happens for a reason. What happened that night 30 years ago, could have been the best thing for your marriage.
The bottom line right now is that she knows the name and you don't. And that is bothering you to the point, you are now doubting everything.
Dont doubt everything or anything really. I dont think there is anything to doubt. Your wife has not lied to you throughout your marriage, and I doubt she is starting to now.
She just wont tell you the name.
What happened that night 30 years ago, could have been the best thing for your marriage.
I'm sorry - but WHAT THE FUCK??? SHE CHEATED ON HIM! No, maybe they weren't married, but they were exclusive, had been for some time, and were headed to marriage. Since when, ever, is cheating 'the best thing for your marriage"?
I simply cannot understand the posters that think that because it was so long ago that this is just 'one of those things'. He just learned that he was cheated on. Since when is that 'stop badgering the WS' or 'You're going to embarrass her' the best support to offer?
It's really very surprising, to say the least. This man just learned of something that could have altered his entire life had he known the truth. He feels he's still not being given full disclosure, and since we all know how that feels, the dismissive tone of some of the comments here are more than disappointing, imo.
A lying spouse is a spouse that one cannot fully trust, or believe in. It's horrible to know you're being lied to. OldSoul has already said this isn't going to be the end of the marriage, but the fact is his wife cheated, and is hiding information still about that. OldSoul is hurt, and confused, and wants answers. He wants to be able to believe his wife, but he can't. And to see other BSs saying 'why did she tell you' and whatnot - it's just disappointing.
If so, you and your wife should talk about this or consider MC...maybe. But then again...why havent you ever been bothered by this in the past decades, before she brought this up that night.
Craig, we were exclusive. It was an plain old messing around thing on her part. When she came back from the trip, we attended my 10 year HS Reunion. Not a clue as to the "infidelity." My birthday came the next week... celebration city... not a clue. How can someone who is crazy in love (she pursued me quite intensely) do that and just put it aside. That part kind of eats at me, too.
OP's comments about being exclusive, back on page one.
Go get your answers.
You are like me. I can never let sleeping dogs lie.
Can you guaranty your wife that her full disclosure will not end in divorce? Or any less love for her?
Because the only chance you have in getting full disclosure is to make those promises.
And you have to keep that promise if you really want to know.
And if you find out she was with someone you know how are you going to feel about that event from all these years ago......
I would still want to know but some answers are not worth knowing.
Your woman already lied once. What if she has lied more?
Likewise, avalanches start when one snowflake too many lands on the slope.
Now you're thinking of a revenge affair? This situation is feeding on itself, isn't it?
I'm the guy who didn't ask enough questions way back when. I wish I had known better, but I didn't. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie after nearly 30 years. My situation is slightly different as the A took place before I knew W, but it seems so out of character for her that it has bothered me all these years. Yet I keep my mouth shut.
It works for me. I'm not thinking about a revenge A.
Take this for what its worth.
At this point, I feel like showing her.
This ^^^^^ will accomplish nothing. Tell her you don't believe that she doesn't know his name, and that you will continue to ask until she tells you. Remind her that you aren't leaving her, but you don't appreciate being lied to.
as well as asking if she had to hear this every three months for the next 30 years
Tell her you also don't appreciate her attempts to shame you into not talking about something you deem important.
She has also said more than once, let it go or let me go
Ask her why she is being so defensive about this. Tell you know it is a bad memory.
I don't understand her defensive posture to the point of leaving over this if you dont stop asking.
Is this person someone you would confront today if she told you?
Do you think she has had any contact with this person?
Lies and defensive postures sure do make a person look suspicious.
Usual things to look for our, does she put her hands to her face or mouth while telling you she doesnt remember.
Usually that means they are lying.
But playing human lie detector not only takes practice, it is very tiring to have to do.
I believe she is lying only because, who forgets something like that. A ONS, yes, I could forget the name from way back then easily. But this sounds more than just a ONS...someone she knew before this happened.
If it was a drunken ONS with someone she never knew before, then yes, she very well might not remember the name.
But doesn't this whole thing revolve around who was there. Shouldnt this guy be someone she should know the name of.
You trusted her, she cheated, and then she hid it from you. Yeah, shame on you for not trusting her. (Obviously I'm laying the sarcasm on thick).
Also, please re-read painfulpast's post from June 16th. I agree 100% with that post.