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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Should I Do?
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... after my story it was her turn. She started by saying what she did might ruin her marriage (to me). She had my full attention immediately. This is when she told me about the EA she had with a coworker which amounted to flirtation and culminated in a kiss after a party. After intense cross examination and her heartfelt disclosure, I had no doubt this was pretty much the truth and really did let it go.
A few weeks later, she joking mentioned the two girls from the college days, and offhandly stated, she did something "crazy" in college, too. Note at this time we had been dating exclusively for just over two years. From the time we became serious, I have never strayed, even to this day.
Of course, this is when she told me about the Beach trip liaison which included all out sexual intercourse. I was stunned and for the next few days pressed for details. Throughout it all, she swore that it was a random ONS and she didn't remember the guys name. So, I told her that was unbelievable to me, and let it go. Finding the pictures subsequently refueled my suspicions that she was not 100% forthcoming and probably had be playing trickle truth with me. Of course , previous posts account for what happened when confronted with the pics. If this was not full disclosure, was the story about the EA fully the truth?


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do urge you to be cautious. Reading on this board can also cause you to be overly suspicious and read things that aren't there.

After intense cross examination and her heartfelt disclosure, I had no doubt this was pretty much the truth and really did let it go.
You were sure at the time you had the entire truth, so why now are you wondering. Just because she said her mom took the picture that day 30 years ago.

A kiss after a party is probably one of the most normal bad things that happen at these parties. Was it really an EA, or did your wife just like the guy.

Your wife called you after the ONS 30 years ago and wanted to know about "us". Which can be taken many ways.

You need to tell your wife your thoughts. It seems like you and her can talk today as if you just met, which is wonderful, so dont ruin that!

You could drop it and go talk to a therapist instead of your wife and see how that works.

But something is obviously nagging at you. What is the worst it could be from 30 years. Obviously it was something that had no impact on your marriage.

And remember, everything happens for a reason. What happened that night 30 years ago, could have been the best thing for your marriage.

The bottom line right now is that she knows the name and you don't. And that is bothering you to the point, you are now doubting everything.

Dont doubt everything or anything really. I dont think there is anything to doubt. Your wife has not lied to you throughout your marriage, and I doubt she is starting to now.

She just wont tell you the name.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened that night 30 years ago, could have been the best thing for your marriage.

I'm sorry - but WHAT THE FUCK??? SHE CHEATED ON HIM! No, maybe they weren't married, but they were exclusive, had been for some time, and were headed to marriage. Since when, ever, is cheating 'the best thing for your marriage"?

I simply cannot understand the posters that think that because it was so long ago that this is just 'one of those things'. He just learned that he was cheated on. Since when is that 'stop badgering the WS' or 'You're going to embarrass her' the best support to offer?

It's really very surprising, to say the least. This man just learned of something that could have altered his entire life had he known the truth. He feels he's still not being given full disclosure, and since we all know how that feels, the dismissive tone of some of the comments here are more than disappointing, imo.

A lying spouse is a spouse that one cannot fully trust, or believe in. It's horrible to know you're being lied to. OldSoul has already said this isn't going to be the end of the marriage, but the fact is his wife cheated, and is hiding information still about that. OldSoul is hurt, and confused, and wants answers. He wants to be able to believe his wife, but he can't. And to see other BSs saying 'why did she tell you' and whatnot - it's just disappointing.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OldSoul - Were you and her dating exclusively at that time?

If so, you and your wife should talk about this or consider MC...maybe. But then again...why havent you ever been bothered by this in the past decades, before she brought this up that night.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig, we were exclusive. It was an plain old messing around thing on her part. When she came back from the trip, we attended my 10 year HS Reunion. Not a clue as to the "infidelity." My birthday came the next week... celebration city... not a clue. How can someone who is crazy in love (she pursued me quite intensely) do that and just put it aside. That part kind of eats at me, too.

OP's comments about being exclusive, back on page one.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it all comes back to gut feelings vs.. what our spouses tell us..Old Soul, please trust your gut...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You continue to get great advice OS. I know it sounds cliche and I'm echoing what some others are posting here, but communication. You need to talk to her, let you know how you feel, and hopefully she will reciprocate. You already know something went on and were cheated on. It's more than acceptable that you should get your answers and any details you need to move on. But you do have to find that balance of how to go about getting those answers. You have had some good advice in that area through this thread.

Go get your answers.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I do appreciate the good advice. I can't be sure when I will bring it up to her, the timing must be perfect as it will not be confrontational, but in the spirit of obtaining a deeper connection and relationship. I was asked by a poster earlier if the Other Guy turned out to be someone I knew if it would mean a deal breaker to the marriage. As far as I can tell from my questioning, this should not be an issue. As I've ruled out the one person (my best friend since high school) that would cause such a rip. Thanks again and I promise to come back on and let you guys know the outcome.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck and whatever you do, do not over react when you hear the answer. Sometimes knowing the answer in your gut is totally different than actually hearing the truth.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared for the worst possible answer (your worst enemy from 30 years ago, a brother, a two on one with her gf involved) so whatever you hear might not sound so bad. You probably don't need imaginary mind movies, but since you are pressing on to disclosure you should prepare for the worst.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OldSoul

You are like me. I can never let sleeping dogs lie.

Can you guaranty your wife that her full disclosure will not end in divorce? Or any less love for her?

Because the only chance you have in getting full disclosure is to make those promises.

And you have to keep that promise if you really want to know.

And if you find out she was with someone you know how are you going to feel about that event from all these years ago......

I would still want to know but some answers are not worth knowing.

Your woman already lied once. What if she has lied more?

Good Luck

HM



Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here's the update. Had the talk last night and it really didn't accomplish much. She's sticking to the same story as well as asking if she had to hear this every three months for the next 30 years. She has no clue as to how it feels to be cheated on. At this point, I feel like showing her.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ever read Moby Dick? Its about the relentless pursuit of the Great White Whale. Captain Ahab didn't end up too good, and Moby Dick got away after all.

Likewise, avalanches start when one snowflake too many lands on the slope.

Now you're thinking of a revenge affair? This situation is feeding on itself, isn't it?

I'm the guy who didn't ask enough questions way back when. I wish I had known better, but I didn't. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie after nearly 30 years. My situation is slightly different as the A took place before I knew W, but it seems so out of character for her that it has bothered me all these years. Yet I keep my mouth shut.
It works for me. I'm not thinking about a revenge A.

Take this for what its worth.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point, I feel like showing her.

This ^^^^^ will accomplish nothing. Tell her you don't believe that she doesn't know his name, and that you will continue to ask until she tells you. Remind her that you aren't leaving her, but you don't appreciate being lied to.

as well as asking if she had to hear this every three months for the next 30 years

Tell her you also don't appreciate her attempts to shame you into not talking about something you deem important.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I wouldn't do the revenge affair; the only reason to do it would be to let her see how it feels to have her heart ripped out and stuck back into her chest upside down.
She simply says, for instance, "it was a long time ago, I chose you, I wanted you." Along with "you were being distant, I was lonely, and drinking that night" and, thus, (my words) landed on a d--k. Blah, blah, you know the routine.
She has also said more than once, let it go or let me go. I don't want to lose her over this, she might be telling the truth, and the cost-benefit is too great. On the other hand, she may be playing to just shut up as she really has too much at stake herself and maybe now regrets ever mentioning it.
I have read hours and hours of posts here and on other similar sites and can't believe how sh!tty people treat the ones they profess to love.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here's all I can do at the moment. I welcome any input.
I (can)will tell her that I will let it go, but she needs to know two things. 1. In my heart-of-hearts, I don't think she is giving me the whole story and it leaves an empty space in me and between us, and 2. If I should learn in the future that any of this was not the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I will walk. If the EA went PA, for example.
Now that is a powerful threat when you get down to, so I have to seriously be ready to do that before I open my mouth. She might say, "Well, since you think I'm a liar and can't get over this, I'll just leave!" I have to be ready and willing to hold the door open for her.


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has also said more than once, let it go or let me go
her tone has sure changed.

Ask her why she is being so defensive about this. Tell you know it is a bad memory.

I don't understand her defensive posture to the point of leaving over this if you dont stop asking.

Is this person someone you would confront today if she told you?

Do you think she has had any contact with this person?

Lies and defensive postures sure do make a person look suspicious.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
OldSoul
♂ Member
Member # 43714
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has used the "let it go or let me go" line before; the day after I found the pics and was texting her about it. To play the Devil's Advocate, from her point-of-view, we have discussed this in depth over three times and she has been honest with me at all times. The fact that I keep bringing it up tells her that I don't trust her. Each time we've discussed it, I have looked her dead in the eye, almost touching noses I was so close, and she never batted an eye, nor flinched. Can she be that good!?!?


The truth is like a lion. You do not have to defend it. Just let it go and it will defend itself.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess, but playing human lie detector takes a lot of practice.

Usual things to look for our, does she put her hands to her face or mouth while telling you she doesnt remember.

Usually that means they are lying.

But playing human lie detector not only takes practice, it is very tiring to have to do.

I believe she is lying only because, who forgets something like that. A ONS, yes, I could forget the name from way back then easily. But this sounds more than just a ONS...someone she knew before this happened.

If it was a drunken ONS with someone she never knew before, then yes, she very well might not remember the name.

But doesn't this whole thing revolve around who was there. Shouldnt this guy be someone she should know the name of.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
BeingNaive
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Member # 30652
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, three whole times and it's already too much asking?!?! You just found out, after 30 years of marriage that she cheated on you while in an exclusive relationship. Of course you're going to have questions and doubts about her story!

You trusted her, she cheated, and then she hid it from you. Yeah, shame on you for not trusting her. (Obviously I'm laying the sarcasm on thick).

Also, please re-read painfulpast's post from June 16th. I agree 100% with that post.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
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