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User Topic: Has WS ever threatened suicide??
neecee
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Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's WS ever threatened to commit suicide because they couldn't deal with their guilt. My WH uses this as a manipulation tactic often, but now that he has lost everything, I wonder if he is capable of actually doing it!


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 141 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
IrishGirlVA
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Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even IF this has been a manipulation tactic in the past, you can't take any chances going forward. Especially if he has nothing left to lose. Next time he threatens suicide you inform him that your next call is going to be to 911. And don't threaten to call 911, actually do it.

I'm sorry but words and actions have consequences. If he wasn't serious about wanting to end his life then he will think twice about using that manipulation tactic on you. If he is serious, then you calling 911 was the best thing to do.


Me, the "B": 41yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 298 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. My mother used to threaten it with my father all the time. She did attempt when he left. Bottle of sleeping pills. Then she would threaten me all the time with doing the same before I left. I did leave. She took another bottle of sleeping pills. I never visited her in the hospital and deliberately stayed away for over a month after that.

Wasn't done out of guilt though as she never had any. No remorse at all. She did it as a manipulation tactic. It failed both times.

Don't let him manipulate you. It's out of your hands and is totally on him if he does. I have dealt with a lot of suicide. My own included.

In my experience I have found that there are 2 types of people that are suicidal. If they are in front of you talking, that's a good thing. To me that means that there is something still left inside of them that is not giving up the fight. Kinda like a subconscious survival instinct. Many times with this type of person it's more of a cry for help with the pain they are dealing with. Or B, in your WH's case probably a manipulation tactic.

Then there's the other type. There's no warning with these and they just go ahead and do it. They are not sitting in front of you talking and you might get a sense that something is wrong, but don't really know for sure what that something is. Because they aren't going to tell you or talk about it. This is the kind that I was and that my brother was. The only reason I'm still alive is a classmate beat me to it and I got to see the fallout from it first hand. My brother was not so lucky. He pulled it off without any discussion or threats. When someone truly lets go of life they become peaceful.

That doesn't mean that the first type can't attempt it as a cry for help and pull it off though. But again, that is on them. Not you. Usually if it's a cry for help it will be done in a manner where they will be "found" or "rescued".

Sorry for the dark thoughts on a Fri.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:37 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
deena04
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Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has! He said I'd be better off, maybe he should just jump off a bridge, I wonder if the ceiling of the shed will support my weight, and that he had thought of putting a gun to his mouth because of what he did and before I even discovered it. I hate that he says that. I am getting more immune to it, though. I have said he knows that is not the answer and it would be more selfishness to do so. He knows where I stand on that issue. He needs to figure himself out. I truly think a WS that threatens it is either truly broken or truly selfish...not sure which one?


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
EvenKeel
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Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did.

I was advised to call 9-1-1. They said if he was manipulating...that would end it. If not, he would get help he needed.

Makes sense...totally takes the weight off of you.

Edited: Just read above post, as poster said if one really intends to do it; they will. That is how it was in my family too, my cousin made the decision and just did it.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:00 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Dreamboat
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Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he threatens again, call 911 so he can get a psych eval. Then he will either get the help that he needs (if he was serious) or get the message that using that king of threat to manipulate you simply will not work.

My X and OW used this threat often to get their family to do what they wanted. It worked because OW's H and FIL both committed suicide the year before the A started. I truly believe that using that type of threat in that circumstance is just cruel. X tried the threat on me one time during one of his pity parties. I rolled my eyes and said "Yeah, right. You are too selfish to commit suicide!" He never tried it on me again.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
PurpleRose
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Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup.. Told me during false R that he had "picked out the tree" that he was planning to plow his car into. I don't think it was because of his guilt at cheating however (hello false R) but more the issues he had within himself and not being happy with who he is/was.

I was pretty distraught at the time because I loved him and could not imagine life without him. I was worried for his mental health. I wanted him to be around for me and for our kids. It was scary, and sad, at the time.

Now? Pretty sure it was just another one of his selfish manipulation tactics to get me to stop asking questions, stop confronting, stop lashing out with my pain. It was always, and remains still, all about him.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't threaten I fully meant it. I had a plan where he would not be the one to find me because I didn't want to hurt him more. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train, I fantasized about drinking all my painkillers, I thought about how to get a gun and just end it. I ended up in a psych ER and 2 psychiatric hospitals. My IC had me sign a contract stating I would call immediately if I had an immediate plan to go through with. Using that as manipulation is cruel, I feel cruel thinking of the fact that I was going to go through with it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a wayward, but I did attempt suicide (long before I found out about the infidelity). I didn't tell anyone about it, because I didn't think they'd care - and didn't want to inconvenience them for someone as unimportant as me.

I'll just suggest what the others have said. Next time, call 911. Don't tell him you're going to do it, just call. He'll spend some time in the hospital. He will either get the help he needs, or he will learn not to do that again.

And if he does it again, call 911 again.

My stay in the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me started on the treatment that I desperately needed. And I consider myself lucky that I was already seeing a shrink weekly when I found out about The Princess' screwing around. I needed that support.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2097 | Registered: Jan 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always treat a suicide threat as if it is real. It isn't on you to evaluate whether it's manipulation or not. Call 911 each and every time, even if he tries to walk it back or play off as, "I didn't mean it." "That's not what I meant." "You're overreacting." etc.

((((neecee))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25745 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The WH who wondered whether the ceiling of the shed would support his weight reminded me of a thread I just read in D/S regarding favorite old posts. One of those posts was this one:
"She's just sick enough to carry through with her threat to hang herself in our entry way.
I suppose it would be wholly inappropriate to whack at her like a pinata if she does?
"

People that cry wolf piss me off and are the reason that many people who really, really need help are not taken seriously.

And like yop said, the person who is seriously intent on committing suicide is NOT going to broadcast it -- that person will just do it. However, you can't just dismiss a 'broadcaster' either because suicide talk is not to be taken lightly.


So:
If your WH is actively threatening suicide -- call 911.
If your WH is vaguely talking about suicide -- call 911 and tell them that your WH is having suicidal thoughts.

If the suicidal inclination is *for real*, then the person will have access to appropriate help, and if the person is *crying wolf*, well, they won't pull that shit on you again. It's emotional blackmail.

Monster (my stbx) found the loophole in that strategy, though. He would always refer to the past -- as in, when you threw me out 2 months ago and I was living in that house, my thoughts were scary and I thought about killing myself.
Nothing I could do with that and after the first 2 times of him saying it, it became *shrug-worthy* because I saw it for the manipulation tactic that it was.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Blindsided234
♀ New Member
Member # 43685
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH attempted suicide.. a few days after dday and telling him I wanted a divorce, he took a bottle of sleeping pills and chased them with vodka. Don't take it lightly, but also don't blame yourself for his actions..you are not responsible for what he chooses to do. I've spent too much time blaming myself and have even taken him back because I was worried about him hurting himself again (will be four years ago, November).

I agree with the previous posts, don't threaten to call 911..do it right away even if he's only using suicide as a manipulation tactic. Only he knows what's going on in his head.

[This message edited by Blindsided234 at 11:39 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2014
Nature_Girl
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Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both my IC and my ex's IC told me that if he ever again even hinted at suicide, I should call 911 immediately. Because yes, he'd been threatening it for our entire marriage. Any time I got too uppity, any time I told him he needed to stop the abuse or the inappropriate sexual acting out, any time he just plain needed me to get back to my place (under his boot), he'd talk about suicide.

I actually put it in writing. I told him if he ever again even acted depressed enough for me to be concerned, let alone utter a single word or phrase which hinted at suicide, I was going to call the men in white coats & let them deal with him.

He never again threatened suicide. It was a control tactic all along. Although I don't wish people to go to hell & stay there, I do kinda hope he visits long enough to have his feet scorched for using suicide threats to control me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ddame23
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Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H threatened suicide often the first year. He has Bipolar and has been suicidal in the past. My most worrisome day was about 6 weeks after D Day- H was at work breaking down, his coworkers desperately trying to get his providers on the phone. He wrote a suicide note to my son (he didn't send it, but writing it is serious enough) I wish I had had the advice to 911 from my work so they could to go to his work, but I didn't know at the time what I should have done.
It led to a year of veiled and not so veiled threats that I cried over many times in IC and MC. I still feel very responsible for keeping him alive- logically I know I'm not, but...

Seriously, if they are using the threat of death as a manipulation tactic, 48-72 hours of involuntary hold should stop it. If they are serious, then they need to be hospitalized.
Just call 911, let the professionals decide how serious it is.

YOP and Even Keel- I'm sorry for your losses.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 2:20 PM, June 13th (Friday)]



D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...


Posts: 59 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
Hidingmyhurt
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Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second time I caught WH, he grabbed the gun and went out to commit suicide. He didn't tell me, but I saw him out of the corner of my eye while I was on a phone call. He said later he doesn't know if he would have done it, but it's always been a factor in how I deal with him. I actually was worried when I told him about my plans to file that he would do this again. I had my phone and was ready to call the police in case he said something. Always take them serious.


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH planned to commit suicide when OW showed up pregnant (we were already in R). He had gone and gotten a gun, and driven up a logging road when I called him (OW had just called me)...

I didn't know until MC, where he admitted it to our counselor.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
TheBestMe
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Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post just reminded me of how often my MIL would threaten suicide. My H also threatened to kill himself. The AP had the police come to my home on a welfare visit. The police stated that they were told that my H was going to harm himself. I wonder what prompted that loving gesture? Could it have been that my H and I had returned from a holiday weekend away.

On a separate occasion. my H threatened to commit suicide if I paid AP a visit. My reply was" don't fuck that up too. I'd get left having to clean up that mess. Make sure that you kill yourself so that I can get paid."

Threatening self harm is not to be taken lightly. But, I know that with my H it was being used as a form of manipulation. Like his mother, my H's selfishness would not allow him to hurt himself.

Each situation is different. By no means should mine be used as a template for deciding how to handle the threat of suicide. Use your common sense and trust your gut if faced with this question. Call 911...if for no other reason than to show the person that you take the threat seriously. Better to be safe than sorry!


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 451 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could tell your WS to lookup or call the suicide hotline, but I think it's easier to call 911 and tell the operator your WS is at risk of committing suicide.

If he's suicidal, he needs professional help, and that's not you. If he's manipulating you, a call to 911 could be a very good learning experience for him.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10377 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Bluebird26
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Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't let him manipulate you.

I let my ex do this to me our whole marriage, even while we were dating he would tell me he would kill himself if I ever left him.

As soon as things weren't going his way or I am guessing he felt guilty for his many affairs that I was not aware of at the time he would threaten to commit suicide. He would even print out instructions from the internet about ways he would do it.

I was always trying to save him. I wish now that I could have seen the emotional abuse for what it was and called the police instead of threatening to do it.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 6:55 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
burnedcanuckEMS
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Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he did, all the time and he held me emotionally hostage with his threats for many years. The worst time was when my mother was out visiting us in our new home and he threw one of his jealous fits. I had a friend over who happens to be a lesbian (makes no difference to me) and he thought she was hitting on me. After she left he had a jealous fit in front of my mom and while screaming he was going to kill himself grabbed a rifle and got in his truck and squealed off. My poor mom was crying so hard and so scared. All I could do was stand in shock and I believe I said "if he does it he does it there is not much I can do". I don't think I will ever forgive him for how that selfish SOB treated my mother....

His behaviour only became much worse after his own mother committed suicide by taking a full bottle of tylenol at New Years one year. Then my fears he would follow suit became worse. I swear I would have left him sooner had I not been so scared he would commit suicide. Then the affair happened, I kicked him out and he didn't commit suicide as he always said he would if we broke up... but I think this was due to him being oh so in love with ho-worker. In the end she did me a huge favour by being his distraction so I could get out of that destructive relationship.

Fast forward a year.... ho-worker and him had a fight... he chose to drive drunk while pulling a 40' fifth wheel..... gets stopped, DUI charges and apparently while in cells he actually did try to commit suicide! That resulted in a one way trip to the mental hospital via the police. Now its been another year, ho-worker and him broke up and he hasn't committed suicide yet.

All I can say is I am glad I don't have to live with that insanity and stress anymore. Just writing it out gives me a big headache!


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
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