Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Eyes (45069)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to better comfort my bbf
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He shared today that a dream of mine triggered him and he felt angry that I had a lta and could be with another person while with him. It was a horrible thing that I've done and I said so. I apologized and he said he didn't want to hear apologies.

We held each other until i got up and told him I'm still working on me and I'm still trying to fix my issues that allowed me to do what I did. I told him in the end it's still his decision to accept the new me or not.

Is there anything else i could have said or done to help him feel better or more understood by me?

Thanks in advance!


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I might suggest is to not "volunteer" information. Only answer what he asks you for.

It is very difficult to predict what will "trigger" his memory.

Allow him to figure out what the minimum acceptable response set is.

If he wants to reconcile, he will do this.
It won't happen overnight.

If he does not want to reconcile, there will be nothing you can do.


Posts: 460 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tfkeel, I always appreciate your posts. It's a great nudge in reminding me to respect the BBF's rights to his feelings and responses.

If he doesn't want to reconcile...until the day he tells me he wants me to get out of his life for good, I'll keep trying to make more happy memories with him.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is purely for what it's worth but adding that it is his decision almost makes it sound as though you are looking for a way out. I know that is not what you intended but that has been been my thought when I have heard my w w say something like that

Often there is really not much you can do in the moment. What happens though is when the trigger fades you remember that your spouse felt it and tried to help. And that fact can be very comforting later

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:21 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redsox13, can you elaborate a bit more on that? You noted that it may not be what I intended (looking for a way out) and that's true, it isn't what I'm looking for right now.

When I read tfkeel's post, saying that if he doesn't want to reconcile, there isn't anything I can do, I had to tamper down how anxious and scared it makes me feel and resolve to accept his decision whatever it may be.

Throughout the A, I lied and manipulated and I'm extra sensitive about not doing that these days. Sometimes I then worry about going so far out of what I normally do or say to not be a liar and be manipulating that I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm doing, being manipulating by being extra good. It makes me go nuts sometimes. If this is one of those times, please do shed some light on it.

I am fighting for him and in acknowledging that he has the ultimate choice (because in my mind, I wholeheartedly want to be with him and because of what I've done, he doesn't feel that way right now), I'm trying to not be manipulating...


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me scared when I hear it. As though there is a point where my w w will just give up as though she is saying this is all I am going to do. I may be way off base here but it is what I think when I hear it

[This message edited by redsox13 at 9:24 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that's how my bf feels, then we're both afraid of the same thing: the other one giving up on us.

Thanks so much, redsox13. It's comforting for me to know that even if my efforts don't seem to mean much in the moment, it can be a source of assurance or comfort for him sometime later.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I think that hearing it's my decision would feel like pressure in me, a lack of accountability for my WS, or even resignation that little could be done by the WS. I get that it wasn't your intention, and it seems you handled it well. My suggestion would be to couch that phrase wit ban expression of love, commitment to helping your BS heal and an acknowledgement that you will do everything possible to help your BS feel safe and emotionally secure in your relationship again. If you can reassure your BS that you won't give up it will help. Asking what your BS needs from you to help you provide what will build security will help, too. Then you can acknowledge that you will support and respect their decision about what's best for them with regard to R might come across better.

I'd like to add that for me, and others based on what I've read, the risks taken to lose the relationship in an A are compared to the risks taken in attempts to R. In my case I feel a need to be special enough to my WS that comparable risks in vulnerability are taken in an effort to "win me back." IMHO that is probably why statements like the one you made can so easily be misinterpreted. However, that may not be the case for your BS, and it may be that your BS understood what you were communicating.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 627 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I then worry about going so far out of what I normally do or say to not be a liar and be manipulating that I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm doing, being manipulating by being extra good.

I wouldn't worry so much about this. Changes you make toward the truth, and toward the non-controlling, are positive changes.

The "truths" I would be careful about delivering are those which tend to compare him unfavorably to your AP, things which only hurt his feelings with no redeeming value.


Posts: 460 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I feel a need to be special enough to my WS that comparable risks in vulnerability are taken in an effort to "win me back." IMHO that is probably why statements like the one you made can so easily be misinterpreted.

My BW needed this from me, especially earlier on. She wanted me to fight for her. Which I was absolutely willing to do.

Since WS and BS heal differently, I think we WS are in danger of getting caught up in our own recovery. I think it can look like another example of selfishness unless the BS has some sort of role.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

couch that phrase wit ban expression of love, commitment to helping your BS heal and an acknowledgement that you will do everything possible to help your BS feel safe and emotionally secure in your relationship again. If you can reassure your BS that you won't give up it will help

Thanks peoplepleaser. I wanted to say it won't happen again but refrained since he never thought it would happen in the first place but I see your phrase about not giving up expresses my dedication and less likely to bring up feelings of exasperation at my hypocrisy.

The "truths" I would be careful about delivering are those which tend to compare him unfavorably to your AP, things which only hurt his feelings with no redeeming value.

Oh definitely. I don't worry about that because if there were comparisons, the AP wouldn't beat him in any sense. I know it's strange to say. I just don't compare them; how can I when one was an relationship tested over time and another one was a sneaky escape into an alternate reality where everything was imagined and about instant (false) gratification.

I think it can look like another example of selfishness unless the BS has some sort of role.

Would you mind elaborating on that, somethingremorse?


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you mean if the WS involves the BS in the WS's efforts for their own healing it is less likely to look selfish? If so, I get that. I wait for snippets of what my WS is working on, but the information seems to come few and far between. I never labeled it as selfish, rather a process of working toward letting me in emotionally. From what I understand from my WS, it is difficult to bring up because of not wanting to remind the BS of the A and bring up the pain, especially when things seem ok on the surface. Rest assured, we are always thinking about it. Though it may bring some pain to the surface depending on what is shared, the pain is there anyway and the emotional connection built by taking a team approach in healing through sharing revelations and personal discoveries it insight goes a long way toward healing overall. If this had been easy for the WS in the guest place, though, I'm guessing they wouldn't be a WS. Time and patience is so important for both.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 627 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if everyone has this experience. But for me, there is a danger of spending a lot of money on IC, and then going to my BW and saying "me, me, me, me" when going over it. I realize that sometimes from her perspective, it looks like I'm spending a lot of energy on ME. If I am not sensitive to that, it can come across as selfish.

I am not saying that I shouldn't do the work. And I am not saying that I shouldn't share my work and revelations with BW. I just need to be reminded that my sincere actions will sometimes look different to BW. I have to just be mindful of that, and try to help as much as I can.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though it may bring some pain to the surface depending on what is shared, the pain is there anyway and the emotional connection built by taking a team approach in healing through sharing revelations and personal discoveries it insight goes a long way toward healing overall. If this had been easy for the WS in the guest place, though, I'm guessing they wouldn't be a WS.

It certainly wasn't easy for me to share my deepest and darkest fears about myself, pre or post affair. In the past, when I've shared something that hurt me deeply, I didn't feel he empathized. I waited for him to connect with me, to feel my pain with me. That's part of where things went wrong. He didn't go through what I went through and can't be expected to understand the gravity of things simply from a couple conversations. Over the years I let the resentment build up and rather than dealing with it head on, I dug an escape hatch.

I think that's the freeing part of reconciling or working towards reconciling. When the BS has already seen the worst, felt the worst of the pain inflicted by the WS but still cares enough to stick around...it's incredibly humbling. I felt pain not being understood by him and I acted out. He felt pain because of my infidelity and he didn't toss me to the side. Even between his moments of anger and pain, he wanted to make me happy. It's incredibly precious to me.

I realize that sometimes from her perspective, it looks like I'm spending a lot of energy on ME. If I am not sensitive to that, it can come across as selfish.

I guess your BW said so...my bBF hasn't indicated that he feels my visits to IC as selfish. In reality I'm dedicating time and resources to my own healing and in addressing my personal issues. Yes I'm taking away time to do so and money but I'm doing this for a better and healthier me. He's okay with that decision I've made. Personally, I'd be troubled if he didn't want a healthier me.

After a session, he'd sometimes ask me how it went and I'd give him the highlights of the discussion. I believe a lot of why I had an affair and some issues in the relationship was due to my lack of boundaries, poor coping mechanisms, and poor self esteem.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.