Husband and i have been married nearly 7 years, together for 13. He is 26 and i am 27. We have 3 kids ages 8, 6 and 5 and i am also 7 months pregnant.
Follow me if you can i know this may be a lot to process...
We met very young and i instantly knew this was the man i was going to marry and he knew the same about me. We went through plenty of rocky stages as most young teenage couples do, but always came back to each other. We have the type of relationship where it feels like no matter how hard things get we cant picture ever "completely" leaving each other. We have spewed venom at each other countless times..swore we were done...packed our shit and none the less...always...always...always end up in tears back to one another stronger than ever. This just seems like a never ending battle of some sort of crazy love that i myself cannot understand. It's like neither of us can picture not having each other...he is my world..my best friend and i am his. Most of our marriage is great..but when it's bad, it's bad. Yet we cant leave...just cant.
Fast forward to sometime in June. Hubby starts going out every weekend. Starts not coming home some weekends...says he is just trying to get it out of his system now before the baby comes. Ok fine..i set guidelines stating he must not sleep away from home. He follows for a bit n then does it again. I suspect cheating but he swears absolutely not. So i investigate to see if his nights "at his buddies" are legit. I follow him n check for my own piece of mind. I find nothing...nothing. just 3 men playing cards, drinking and listening to music. Ok..cool. he isnt cheating. So i think...things continue but get worse. He is moody, distant, not the man i know so one night i check his texts and find plenty from another woman. She is calling him baby, telling him things will be alright soon, telling him she would like to go out to the bars sometime etc...i confront him and he admits right away but feeds me some bullshit line something like "yeah, if you wanna call texting another girl i only met once "cheating" then yeah..i cheated" walks away and shuts me out. I cried and cried and lost my damn mind. That was May 1st...in the days since i found out this EA lasted 3 months. Supposedly was never physical but who the hell knows. I got tested for STD's...all clear. So anyways...almost finished..
The part that is killing me the most is although it seems all contact has stopped with the OW, he still leaves me alone and pregnant with our 3 kids every weekend. He comes home for a couple hours and then goes again until sunday afternoons he always comes home and then stays home the whole week besides going to work. He works crazy long hours and gets home around 7 p.m. most nights sometimes earlier. I have spoke to him about how lonely i am, i have begged, i have cried, i have given him the cold shoulder, i have been a complete bitch...nothing works. He stays the same. We hardly talk anymore and its killing me. He was my best friend for 13 years..he is the love of my life. He swears he still loves me, swears he could never leave. Periodically send me sappy texts from work stating he knows he is wrong and is so sorry blah blah blah..but the behavior is still there. I am losing my damn mind. Why is he doing this to me?? I know he loves me..i know so many of you will say "Uhh wake up this man doesnt love you" but i swear i know he does. Nobody could ever understand our relationship unless you were in it. But i just dont get it...when will this stop..what do i have to do to get him to miss me like im missing him so terribly?? Do i text him while he's gone? Do i ignore him? Do i talk to him? Should i still be initiate sex with him or let him come to me? Do i speak to him when he's home or give him the cold shoulder. I just dont know what to do. Im not ready to call it quits so please dont say thats what i need to do. Im looking more for advice on how to win him back from this lifestyle that is apparently swallowing him up...how do i act? What do i do?? I just want him to come back to me and soon because im so damn lonely. I miss him..the old him. Im afraid if i shut him out he will just go back and have another EA. And im afraid if i suck it up and play kiss ass to get him back he will see how weak i am and continue to walk all over me. Please..someone tell me what i need to do :'( I can hardly sleep, eating is a challenge and i force myself just to feed our unborn son. I put a smile on all day for my kids and nobody see's any change in me..i can hold it together pretty well. But once the kids are in bed, i fall apart and lose it...every single night. I am so lost...
Thank you again...holy shit that was long. Please forgive the rambling. I needed to get that out...so glad i found this forum.
You need to do some investigation.
VAR his car. Get enough posts here to get access to the investigative forum.
Read there on ways to spy.
DO NOT let him know in anyway you will be investigating him.
So please. Stop. Just stop. What do you have to lose, since he's already gone other than the fact that his clothing is still here?
Stop pursuing him. Look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and Click on The Healing Library. Read it, especially the FAQs. In there, you will find a description of the 180. This is a way for YOU to detach, not to bring him to heel, but for YOU to figure out what you need to be healthy and whole. Discuss nothing with him other than child care and finances. And when I say discuss child care, I mean you set a schedule when HE takes care of HIS children and you get a break.
I'd toss him out of the bedroom too. If he doesn't want to live like a married man vice a come-and-go roommate, then close the bakery and let him fend for himself. He isn't treating you like his beloved wife. He's treating you like a poorly paid maid/child sitter. So FTG. You're entitled to a room of your own and time off of your own.
This sounds drastic, I know. But please, please trust me in that you cannot nice a wayward back. It doesn't work. It's like bribing a child to shut up in the grocery store. You may make it out of there by offering a candy bar the first time, but the time after that and after that, you are going to have to increase the "bribe" to keep them from melting down. Because they know that they have the power scream loud enough and mommy will reward you. Putting your foot down immediately, removing them from the store, and letting them scream their lungs out in the car while you ignore them is far easier to do the very first time, than after they think that they can outlast you.
(((hugs))) Keep posting. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I hate to say it, but it is likely that he is betraying you sexually as well as emotionally. Nearly every BS on this forum can tell you the same story: he said it wasn't physical. Well it was, but only once. Or four times. But it was only sex. Well, maybe he said 'I love you' to her but he didn't mean it. And so on, and so on... Cheaters lie. And lie and lie and lie. Find out the truth.
As for this:
what do i have to do to get him to miss me like im missing him so terribly?? Do i text him while he's gone? Do i ignore him? Do i talk to him? Should i still be initiate sex with him or let him come to me? Do i speak to him when he's home or give him the cold shoulder. I just don't know what to do.
OR you can change your own actions and start treating YOURSELF the way you deserve to be treated.
Read up on the 180. It is NOT a tool to make your unremorsful WH come back to you. It is a tool to make yourself stronger, to start living life in a way that makes you feel better about yourself regardless of what your asshat of a husband does or does not do.
I KNOW how hard this is, honey. I KNOW how much it hurts. And I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. Please start caring for yourself as well as you do for you kids and your WH.
It's not to late to save your M. My advice is start the 180. Give your H your demands if he wants to R. Put into place your boundaries and expectations. He doesn't get to have his freedom to come and go like he did before he decided to have his EA or PA. Also seek out an IC. You're going to need it to help navigate through this roller coaster.
The advice I was given was simple. My H was immature, selfish and obviously having an affair. My choices were only two. I could continue to make it comfortable for him to act like a teenage boy (in other words i was "mommy" keeping the home fires burning and eeverything running while he played) or i could stop it. Anytime i wanted. I could stop letting him use me. I couldn't stop him from his actions but i could choose to not be a part of it any longer.
I actually never had to make that decision withoit conformation of the A because coincidentally my DDay was later that night and that changed everything. But those are really your only two choices. Accept it. Accept that he has lost respect for you and his M. Or say "no more" and have him leave, or at minimum refuse to make his life comfortable. No meals, no laundry, no emotional support, no anything.
I hope you choose you. I like to think i would have but i don't really know. I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning that caused me pain that didn' t have to happen. I wish i had found this site sooner!
Hang in there. It's a tough road but there are people on here who have been through it and will help you. It does get better. But any type of healing can't start while the behavior is still going on.
Setup a plan. Start it after the baby is born.
If he does not step up after the baby is born implement the plan.
A. See an attorney to know your rights.
B. Give him his first warning letter. Explain your feelings and ask him to rejoin the marriage and family.
C. Give him a few weeks to step up.
D. If he does not have him served.
E. If that does not get his attention then his attention is elsewhere.
Stay focused on you your health and the kids.
Well my WS has had 4+affairs. The first one was around the 7th year of marriage.
Get strong, look at your options. Do the 180, and work on you. It's so very hard cuz he is the only thing you know. Join some moms groups.
Where exactly does he say he is going on the weekends? It's really not fair that he has brought these kids into the world and just disappears like that. Regardless of what he is up to. And it's probably cheating I am sorry to say.
Read my profile, your life could turn out like mine. Try to eat and drink and take care of yourself. Someone has to be mature and the adult for your children. PM me if you need any support.
I found myself writing him a sweet sappy "Happy Father's Day" text this morning and i actually sent it! What the hell is wrong with me?? Why would i be so stupid to give him a huge ego boost? It didn't hit me that is was a big stupid mistake until the reply i got was "thanks". I wanted to slap myself and scream at the same time. He didn't deserve my kind words. Not one damn bit. But it's said and done and now i feel beyond stupid.
So here i am...still at work for 4 more hours trying to decide on my "plan" of how i'm going to act when i get home. As of now my plan is to walk in and give my kiddos my full attention...pay no attention to him (normally i would ask how his day was...check if he needed anything done and sit and watch tv in my own bubble of misery) but tonight i want to be "different" i don't know how to go about doing that quite yet but we'll see. It honestly takes every bit of self control i have not to kiss him at night, not to be nice and act like i don't need him, not to shower and get sexy for him (he loves that) and go to the bedroom, because i know it makes him weak at the knees...but i wont...i just cant give him the benefit having me right now. I cant say i know for sure i would turn him down if he asked for intimacy...but i'd like to think i can drive him crazy by getting sexy and not offering.
Gosh i miss him though.The other day I told him he doesn't deserve me and never deserved how much i love him. He said "not gonna lie..that hurt" ...it was a moment of happiness for me. I thought "good, you s.o.b." ...i wish i could find more things to say that could hit him where it hurts and tug on his heart strings a little more. Sounds pathetic but i'm at a point where i want him to hurt like i hurt...
Ahhh well...i guess i'm done pointlessly rambling for now. Thanks again for all your support everyone!
We ended up divorced, but it didn't have to be that way. When he said he wanted to come home, I said "Only with marriage counseling, because I want it ALL. The great marriage and family". But you see, he wouldn't do this, because he couldn't break free from her....
The author of the book says you've got a golden chance to knock your H off the fence and wake him up, but you REALLY need to move fast. Please get this book from the library or online, but do NOT tell him about it.
It also tells why the 180 works.
He says he rarely sees a pleading person get the spouse to change. It usually takes a Huge Blowout -- but not a fight--- to wake them up.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:05 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]
i confront him and he admits right away but feeds me some bullshit line something like "yeah, if you wanna call texting another girl i only met once "cheating" then yeah..i cheated" walks away and shuts me out.
This is what is referred to as gaslighting. It's what a wayward does to make you think that you are crazy.
Anyway, to answer your question from General on the 180 and to give you the official welcome suite of links that you should read up on, you can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out if you have not done so already.
You received this link in General to for the 180 which is designed for you to detach, can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more 180 info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Before You Say Reconcile...
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I Just Found Oud
Honey, they always affair down
Also, please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with the OW that he's been texting with.
Unfortunately as some of the other's said, he has most likely gone PA with her. Very gently here, you need to get yourself tested for STDs. Very unpleasant thought I realize, but a necessary caution for yourself. And do not have sex with him again until you see his results as well.
will the 180 backfire in my face? I am still trying to make this marriage work if possible but i feel like a good deal of those things will make him crave attention and go back to contacting the OW or heaven forbid a new OW. I am going to give it a try regardless but i'm worried :-( what if this does more harm than good??
The 180 is not to use to drive his behavior. It is for you to detach and get mentally stronger. Mentally you are not in a good place and need to get yourself strong so that you can make better decisions. Stop trying to drive him crazy by being sexy. Stop any sort of behavior that you think you are doing to get a desired response from him. It will not work. It sounds very much like he is in the fog of his A and is going to continue to be there. He's using you. Please make it stop.
Sending you strength and courage to get you through. Keep reading. Keep posting.