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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: i honestly cant do this anymore :-(
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel about waiting it out. I thought I could wait it out too. I did for awhile. Mine turned from disinterest, to cheating to beating me up. Not saying you would ever get there but waiting it out meant sticking out worse and worse and worse. So when is bad enough going to be bad enough?
I replay what someone else said in this forum when I first started out. They have shown you who they are and what they think of you, when will you start believing them?
Going through this with a baby is awful. I had mine and ran when she was 6 months. Wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
Detach. Get a mommies group. Stop worrying about him. Think about him for a second and then move on. What are you so concerned with saving? Clearly he isn't concerned. Why are you?


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MMH)))

I'm so sorry. My whole life revolved around my husband too. My whole day was geared towards protecting our time together and making sure we had time together alone and as a family. I did that for 25 years.

So I get it that you don't know what to do with yourself if you aren't focused in him. You need to start thinking about what YOU like. What you like to do. Where you like to go. What you want to eat. Fuck him. As others have said, he is most likely having a full blown physical affair.

The best thing you can do for yourself is let go. Delaying it will NOT make it hurt less. It will just make you crazy. You have three little people to take care of, almost four. Focus on them and yourself and ignore him.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

when will this stop..

When you STOP allowing it. Kick his ass out. Draw a hard line in the sand. If he doesn't get his shit together then you're already on the right track.

Consult an L. Cover your bases.

You're going to be ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys help me so much. I see things from.a different view when i read what you say and i feel your words of encouragement run deep in my head, i feel strong when i read them and promise myself to follow your advice....and then i face him and i feel weak, emotions flood my whole body and i just want to break down, but i hold it together. I don't know what to do..why cant i be strong?? Why..


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're making decisions from a position of fear.

He's counting on that.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi missing.

Firs so sorry for your pain confusion and desperation

Everyone has really excellent advice here but please know it takes time. It's a process that we wish we could rush, but It takes time. You ask "why can't I be strong?"

You totally can be and you will be. But maybe not tomorrow. Just take baby steps turning your focus to things outside of him that make you happy, and you will slowly discover reserves of strength you didn't know you had, and then find more and more.

And if someone treats you like sh*t, they are sh*t. People are complex with good and not as good qualities, but being treated like SH*T IS where we need to draw the line no matter how good their good is.

It's extremely hard to wrap ones head around

Baby steps. Be easy on yourself. Make it all about you

Good luck and so so sorry


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, today was the first day of the 180...i normally text my H as soon as i wake up and say good morning, i love you..but i didn't. I also normally text him around his lunch break also and ask what he wants for dinner but i didn't. Instead he sent me a text saying "love you" which i believe was his way of checking if i was still "hanging on"...i don't know...but i do know i felt a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing he had to text me. I'm sure it was eating at him that i hadn't texted him, and good..i'm glad. I did't go out of my way to have the housework perfectly done like i normally do. I left his work clothes laying in the basket unfolded, i did't bend over backwards to please him in other words. But let me tell you it's not easy following this 180...i feel like i'm making things worse and like i'm going to end up driving him into the arms of yet another woman due to my neglecting him. I know the 180 is for me and to get ME stronger, but i don't want to sabotage me marriage focusing on making myself happy and ignoring him. In a sense i feel like the 180 will make me stronger and make him start wanting me back for seeing how little i need him and that i'm doing fine. But then again i feel like if i stop focusing on him, he'll crave the OW or a new OW due to my lack of interest and love. Does anybody have any positive story or outcome about this 180...i'm not saying it doesn't work...i'm going to give it a shot, but i'm still new to this and have my doubts :-(
Thanks again ahead of time for all your help, i look forward to checking your responses everyday, they are what get me through the day.


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
saveus
♂ Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi missingmyhubby,

The 30-odd pages of my own thread show that I've had amazing advice from many amazing, caring people - and also that I've found it very, very hard to implement it. Like you, it all becomes clear - until I see my WW again and feel the love I still bizarrely have for her. So I understand.

I just wanted to tell you that the ONLY progress I have made with my WW in nine weeks has been when I have worried about myself. Taken myself to the pub for a pint on my own. Gone to see my best friend (who still doesn't know) three days after D-Day. Ignored texts from my WW (I know how hard this is after years of always 'being there') and not jumped to her tune when suddenly she decides it's time to 'deal with this' (which never actually happens anyway).

I also realised many weeks ago that if my WW left for the OM then she was gone anyway. That takes away some of the fear. When she did go, I opened the front door for her. My mistake was letting her back three days later, full of remorse that lasted - quite literally - the length of a three minute phone call.

So, don't be afraid of the 180. I only wish I'd made a better job of it, preferably from Day 1. It's probably too late for me now but it might not be for you. I tell you another thing I've learnt - doing the opposite certainly won't work.


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MMH.

As a man, I think I can speak for men in general: we are attracted to strong, confident, independent women who can call out bull shit when they see it.

The 180 is designed to make you strong, confident, and independent. It is designed to put you in a position where you do not need your husband and will be better able to call out / recognize the shit he's pulling.

It is true that this may make you more attractive to him. It might not. It does not matter, it is not the objective of the 180.

Keep working on the 180. You will grow. You will become stronger. Your self esteem and self respect will grow and you will begin to be able to say "I've had enough of this shit." You will begin to love yourself, and when you really start to love yourself, you won't need your husband.

At that point, you will make the decision of whether or not to ALLOW him to stay married to you.

You don't see it yet, but you are the prize here, not him. Right now, he is losing the prize.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to ditto everything Saturn and everyone else has said.

but i don't want to sabotage me marriage focusing on making myself happy and ignoring him.

The 180 can't backfire. It can't. It also can't make your WH recommit to your marriage.

What it CAN do is make you strong, confident, and self-reliant. It can show your children that you don't allow people to treat you with anything but respect. It can keep you from being a human doormat.

If you marriage requires you to be weak, to be a doormat, you don't want it - and you don't want your kids to learn that that is what a marriage should be.

All that said, I'm divorced. I didn't do the 180 until it was WAY too late. (I waffled and vacillated and tried to "nice" him back for almost a year on and off) Recently my XWH and his Owife separated. During a conversation, he told me -- if we could go back, he wished I had drawn my line in the sand, that I had demanded he go NC, that we go to MC, that he stop being a selfish ass. He believes that things would have been different if I had.

Now, I don't know about that. Not really. I don't have any real confidence at this point that it would have changed anything, but who knows.

Don't doubt the 180. The success is in making you strong. If you marriage is going to work, really work, and be a happy one -- you are going to have to be strong.

This is one of my favorite post of all time on SI
:http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

my favorite line is:

4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angryI ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

and it is so so so so so so so so so true. 1000% true - and it applies to non-A bad behavior as well. A man who wants his marriage won't leave you because you stop doing his laundry and make time to take care of you. A man that wants his marriage won't leave you because you won't let him treat your home like a hotel. And if he doesn't want his marriage - as scary as I know it sounds -- you don't want a marriage with him.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i feel like i'm making things worse and like i'm going to end up driving him into the arms of yet another woman

Gently...he's already there.

You sound like me a year ago. Those that have been watching my posts can tell you it's true.

You CANNOT nice this man back to you.

You are prolonging your pain.

Kick.him,the fuck.out.

He's cake-eating right now.

Stick with the 180. Detach. He's already gone. That doesn't mean he won't come back, but that isn't his plan right now, so you need to get on board that train. Kwim?

FTG. Shields up. Kids and you are the top priorities. He can twist in the wind.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are hurting and more than anything, what your marriage to work and life to go back to what it was before this mess.
I understand how you don't even know how to think about yourself, everything revolves around your marriage and kids. But he isn't into that right now sweetie. So you need to start thinking what you can do to not text or call him and beg him. Sometimes I would say, I will wait 10 minutes, then if I still feel like this, I will text. Well after 10 minutes, I didn't want him to get the satisfaction that he gets to me.
Maybe you could try and do some journaling. Someone on here also recommended a site with get togethers in your area. Anything from morning play groups to exercise to movies.
And when all else fails, there is always ice cream and chocolate!
The following link has some good advise, also something I found on SI.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/06/04/4-things-you-must-give-up-to-move-forward/#more-747

Check it out.
Remember you are a gift and a special person. No one should have to put up with this behavior, you can only control your reaction to him, you can't control him.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 224 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know i can't nice him back..i honestly know that but it's like i can't seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I want so badly to kick his ass to the curb and let him figure out that it's his loss and not mine but for some damn reason i cant do it...why the hell cant i? It's driving me insane.
I'm in tears right now as i write this... Thursday we are supposed to be leaving on our annual camping trip for my family reunion. H was completely on board until late this afternoon he informed me that he didnt even want to go because it would be boring anyway. I said.."uhh excuse me, i'm sorry camping with the kids and i is so miserable for you. Dont go if it makes you that unhappy" and he sent a text back saying "ok, i wont" i lost it needless to say (yep, fell right off the 180 track) and proceeded to tell him he was scum and that it was extremely hurtful to even put me and his kids in the "boring" category. Then this A. Hole has the balls to respond with "suck it up buttercup life isn't just about you" ....i was/am furious and seriously hurt. This is not the man i know and it's scary...i cant believe he is doing this. I'm absolutely crushed. So tomorrow at just about 7 months pregnant i get to pack up 3 kids by myself and drive 3 hours to go camping without him. I dont even want to bother but i would never back out on something like this when my kids are so excited. I WAS excited too, i cant stop crying, life really sucks right now...seriously sucks. He will be home from work soon so i know i need to stop the tears from flowing so he doesnt see me being a cowardly weak baby, but damn it...this kills me inside. I cant do half the things i normally do for my kids on a camping trip due to being pregnant and i was counting on him to help out with what i cant do...now i'm afraid this whole trip will just be depressing.
Sorry to babble, i'm just so lost and flooded with emotion tonight. Hormones :-(


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think he will be doing while you are the kids are out camping? Have you thought about staying home?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds like he's still in an affair. I'm sorry to say.

You might consider telling him if he isn't going to be a father and a husband then he needs to get out. I would also see a lawyer to protect yourself and just get a little bit of information. Information is power.

I remember a trip we had planned to go to visit my daughter for 4 days. xws said he didn't want to go…too much work, bullshit excuses. This was after dday 1 and I was trying to trust. I found out much later that he used those days to cheat in a big way.

This all does suck really bad. His mind is still in the affair fog and he is doing a lot of damage in the mean time.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6133 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not the man i know and it's scary

So many of us here have btdt and have the t-shirt.

For me, that was part of what kept me stuck in denial for so long. It just couldn't possibly be happening, because MY husband would never do this. He said he wouldn't. He said we were going to be together forever.

Yeah, well, not so much. The sooner you can get your mind wrapped around this on some level and start detaching, the better off it will be.

I can't imagine dealing with this bullshit while I was pregnant. So many here do, sadly.

Take care of you and your baby and your small people. Let fucktard fend for himself.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know i can't nice him back..i honestly know that but it's like i can't seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I want so badly to kick his ass to the curb and let him figure out that it's his loss and not mine but for some damn reason i cant do it...why the hell cant i? It's driving me insane.

Could it be that you have 3 kids and one on the way, and you never thought of the possibility that you would have to raise them on your own? Now, faced with that possibility, you are pushing back from what you know you really need to be doing.

What man would tell his pregnant wife that she had to go camping at a family reunion with their 3 kids by herself?

He says it's not all about you? Let me guess who it IS all about? Your baby on the way? Your 3 kids? Your family? Let's see. Who's left? Oh. Him?

When a woman is pregnant and has 3 kids to take care of on top of that, it really should be all about her, you know? It's common sense stuff.

If you could possibly raise these kids by yourself ( which it sounds like you're doing right now anyway) you might find your life much nicer without him. Consider that possibility. Which is more likely, that possibility, or the possibility that he will change back to being with you only versus cheating on you, caring for you versus burdening you, and loving you versus being mean to you?

I do think the 180 can be useful to you, if you're even considering the possibility of cutting him loose.

...feel for you.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 6:35 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Hidingmyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried IC and MC? I know it may be hard to think of telling a stranger your deep dark feelings, but honestly, it can be a great relief. It might also help you to sort through the emotions you are feeling.

As for him, I believe he may believe that he loves you, I know my STBXWH says he still loves me constantly. I don't believe he knows how to love. He's had a lot of pain in his life and while that may be the reason, I've given him several chances to figure out what it is that love means and what respect means. But you can't change that.

What really puts a sting to me is looking at my boys, and asking myself "do I want them to think that this is ok?" Even if they haven't known all the crap through the years, I know...and I know if I put up with it, I'm teaching them it's ok.

(((((HUGS)))))


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The guy spends weekends away from home, is a liar and a cheater, is completely and utterly disrespectful towards you, is blowing a small family vacation off because it's 'boring' (and it gives him time with his girlfriend while you're out of town) and YOU'RE afraid you're going to sabotage your marriage????????

He beat you to it a long, long time ago.

When you can truly work the 180 for YOUR benefit is when you'll truly start to feel that you have a little control. Worrying about how it affects HIM just continues to let him have all the power.

Take it away from him.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:57 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it's like i can't seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

Give yourself a break. Seriously. You can't because you are reacting out of a combo of fear and habit. You love him. That's ok. That's normal, or frankly, none of this would hurt that much. It's ok to still love him. It's ok to have the impulse to be "nice". You just have to make the conscious choice every time to NOT repeat this behavior. Your not going to be perfect. You are going to slip up -- but if you keep doing it, you'll get better and better at it. It's like a muscle that hasn't be used - you have to work on it.

Write out for yourself all the things you aren't going to do (i.e. text "I love you", make meal for him etc.). Think about his possible responses to this -- be prepared with your non-response. Mental preparation is more then half of the battle.

Then, write out a list of all the things you ARE going to do -- things for YOU. Find a way to carve out YOU time -- whether through mommies groups - or getting a babysitter. Make your plan for a future without him. He may pull his head out of his ass -- he may not. There is nothing YOU can do to make it happen. Prepare for the "worse" and that will help take away the 'fear" factor.

Remember -- fear and habit are your enemy. You need to prepare to fight this battle. The 180 will feel horrible and unnatural in the beginning -- and then it won't anymore.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Missingmyhusband,

You are stronger than you know, trust that. I didn't want my marriage to end. I loved my husband with all my heart and trusted him. I could not imagine my life without him in it.

Dday blindsided me. He asked me to leave when I confronted him. I had hopes that the marriage would somehow survive.

What I discovered, is that I had to look at his actions, not listen to his words. His actions told me that the marriage was over. He did not treat me in a way that said he wanted to continue the marriage. He said he was on the fence, but his actions were clear.

Read the Healing Library. Post here often. Get the support you need from friends and family. Talk to an attorney and find out your rights. Sleep when you can, find the things that will help soothe you. I drank a lot of hot tea and took a lot of hot baths.

I never thought I had the strength to get through this. There were many days, that the pain was so intense that I was rolled up in a ball on the floor. I cried until I could not cry anymore. The heartbreak was wrenching. All I had to do, was breath. That was all I could do, just breath through the pain.

I have found that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. The unthinkable for me has come true, I am divorcing him. I love myself now, and I know I deserve more than a spouse that lies and cheats. For me, that was the choice. I have walked through so many fears the past year and a half and I am fine.

You will be okay. You don't have to do this anymore.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 42
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