I'm so sorry. My whole life revolved around my husband too. My whole day was geared towards protecting our time together and making sure we had time together alone and as a family. I did that for 25 years.
So I get it that you don't know what to do with yourself if you aren't focused in him. You need to start thinking about what YOU like. What you like to do. Where you like to go. What you want to eat. Fuck him. As others have said, he is most likely having a full blown physical affair.
The best thing you can do for yourself is let go. Delaying it will NOT make it hurt less. It will just make you crazy. You have three little people to take care of, almost four. Focus on them and yourself and ignore him.
Let go. Let go. Let go.
when will this stop..
When you STOP allowing it. Kick his ass out. Draw a hard line in the sand. If he doesn't get his shit together then you're already on the right track.
Consult an L. Cover your bases.
You're going to be ok.
He's counting on that.
Firs so sorry for your pain confusion and desperation
Everyone has really excellent advice here but please know it takes time. It's a process that we wish we could rush, but It takes time. You ask "why can't I be strong?"
You totally can be and you will be. But maybe not tomorrow. Just take baby steps turning your focus to things outside of him that make you happy, and you will slowly discover reserves of strength you didn't know you had, and then find more and more.
And if someone treats you like sh*t, they are sh*t. People are complex with good and not as good qualities, but being treated like SH*T IS where we need to draw the line no matter how good their good is.
It's extremely hard to wrap ones head around
Baby steps. Be easy on yourself. Make it all about you
Good luck and so so sorry
The 30-odd pages of my own thread show that I've had amazing advice from many amazing, caring people - and also that I've found it very, very hard to implement it. Like you, it all becomes clear - until I see my WW again and feel the love I still bizarrely have for her. So I understand.
I just wanted to tell you that the ONLY progress I have made with my WW in nine weeks has been when I have worried about myself. Taken myself to the pub for a pint on my own. Gone to see my best friend (who still doesn't know) three days after D-Day. Ignored texts from my WW (I know how hard this is after years of always 'being there') and not jumped to her tune when suddenly she decides it's time to 'deal with this' (which never actually happens anyway).
I also realised many weeks ago that if my WW left for the OM then she was gone anyway. That takes away some of the fear. When she did go, I opened the front door for her. My mistake was letting her back three days later, full of remorse that lasted - quite literally - the length of a three minute phone call.
So, don't be afraid of the 180. I only wish I'd made a better job of it, preferably from Day 1. It's probably too late for me now but it might not be for you. I tell you another thing I've learnt - doing the opposite certainly won't work.
As a man, I think I can speak for men in general: we are attracted to strong, confident, independent women who can call out bull shit when they see it.
The 180 is designed to make you strong, confident, and independent. It is designed to put you in a position where you do not need your husband and will be better able to call out / recognize the shit he's pulling.
It is true that this may make you more attractive to him. It might not. It does not matter, it is not the objective of the 180.
Keep working on the 180. You will grow. You will become stronger. Your self esteem and self respect will grow and you will begin to be able to say "I've had enough of this shit." You will begin to love yourself, and when you really start to love yourself, you won't need your husband.
At that point, you will make the decision of whether or not to ALLOW him to stay married to you.
You don't see it yet, but you are the prize here, not him. Right now, he is losing the prize.
but i don't want to sabotage me marriage focusing on making myself happy and ignoring him.
The 180 can't backfire. It can't. It also can't make your WH recommit to your marriage.
What it CAN do is make you strong, confident, and self-reliant. It can show your children that you don't allow people to treat you with anything but respect. It can keep you from being a human doormat.
If you marriage requires you to be weak, to be a doormat, you don't want it - and you don't want your kids to learn that that is what a marriage should be.
All that said, I'm divorced. I didn't do the 180 until it was WAY too late. (I waffled and vacillated and tried to "nice" him back for almost a year on and off) Recently my XWH and his Owife separated. During a conversation, he told me -- if we could go back, he wished I had drawn my line in the sand, that I had demanded he go NC, that we go to MC, that he stop being a selfish ass. He believes that things would have been different if I had.
Now, I don't know about that. Not really. I don't have any real confidence at this point that it would have changed anything, but who knows.
Don't doubt the 180. The success is in making you strong. If you marriage is going to work, really work, and be a happy one -- you are going to have to be strong.
This is one of my favorite post of all time on SI
my favorite line is:
4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angryI ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.
and it is so so so so so so so so so true. 1000% true - and it applies to non-A bad behavior as well. A man who wants his marriage won't leave you because you stop doing his laundry and make time to take care of you. A man that wants his marriage won't leave you because you won't let him treat your home like a hotel. And if he doesn't want his marriage - as scary as I know it sounds -- you don't want a marriage with him.
Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
i feel like i'm making things worse and like i'm going to end up driving him into the arms of yet another woman
Gently...he's already there.
You sound like me a year ago. Those that have been watching my posts can tell you it's true.
You CANNOT nice this man back to you.
You are prolonging your pain.
He's cake-eating right now.
Stick with the 180. Detach. He's already gone. That doesn't mean he won't come back, but that isn't his plan right now, so you need to get on board that train. Kwim?
FTG. Shields up. Kids and you are the top priorities. He can twist in the wind.
Check it out.
Remember you are a gift and a special person. No one should have to put up with this behavior, you can only control your reaction to him, you can't control him.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
You might consider telling him if he isn't going to be a father and a husband then he needs to get out. I would also see a lawyer to protect yourself and just get a little bit of information. Information is power.
I remember a trip we had planned to go to visit my daughter for 4 days. xws said he didn't want to go…too much work, bullshit excuses. This was after dday 1 and I was trying to trust. I found out much later that he used those days to cheat in a big way.
This all does suck really bad. His mind is still in the affair fog and he is doing a lot of damage in the mean time.
This is not the man i know and it's scary
So many of us here have btdt and have the t-shirt.
For me, that was part of what kept me stuck in denial for so long. It just couldn't possibly be happening, because MY husband would never do this. He said he wouldn't. He said we were going to be together forever.
Yeah, well, not so much. The sooner you can get your mind wrapped around this on some level and start detaching, the better off it will be.
I can't imagine dealing with this bullshit while I was pregnant. So many here do, sadly.
Take care of you and your baby and your small people. Let fucktard fend for himself.
I know i can't nice him back..i honestly know that but it's like i can't seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I want so badly to kick his ass to the curb and let him figure out that it's his loss and not mine but for some damn reason i cant do it...why the hell cant i? It's driving me insane.
Could it be that you have 3 kids and one on the way, and you never thought of the possibility that you would have to raise them on your own? Now, faced with that possibility, you are pushing back from what you know you really need to be doing.
What man would tell his pregnant wife that she had to go camping at a family reunion with their 3 kids by herself?
He says it's not all about you? Let me guess who it IS all about? Your baby on the way? Your 3 kids? Your family? Let's see. Who's left? Oh. Him?
When a woman is pregnant and has 3 kids to take care of on top of that, it really should be all about her, you know? It's common sense stuff.
If you could possibly raise these kids by yourself ( which it sounds like you're doing right now anyway) you might find your life much nicer without him. Consider that possibility. Which is more likely, that possibility, or the possibility that he will change back to being with you only versus cheating on you, caring for you versus burdening you, and loving you versus being mean to you?
I do think the 180 can be useful to you, if you're even considering the possibility of cutting him loose.
...feel for you.
[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 6:35 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]
As for him, I believe he may believe that he loves you, I know my STBXWH says he still loves me constantly. I don't believe he knows how to love. He's had a lot of pain in his life and while that may be the reason, I've given him several chances to figure out what it is that love means and what respect means. But you can't change that.
What really puts a sting to me is looking at my boys, and asking myself "do I want them to think that this is ok?" Even if they haven't known all the crap through the years, I know...and I know if I put up with it, I'm teaching them it's ok.
He beat you to it a long, long time ago.
When you can truly work the 180 for YOUR benefit is when you'll truly start to feel that you have a little control. Worrying about how it affects HIM just continues to let him have all the power.
Take it away from him.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:57 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]
but it's like i can't seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
Give yourself a break. Seriously. You can't because you are reacting out of a combo of fear and habit. You love him. That's ok. That's normal, or frankly, none of this would hurt that much. It's ok to still love him. It's ok to have the impulse to be "nice". You just have to make the conscious choice every time to NOT repeat this behavior. Your not going to be perfect. You are going to slip up -- but if you keep doing it, you'll get better and better at it. It's like a muscle that hasn't be used - you have to work on it.
Write out for yourself all the things you aren't going to do (i.e. text "I love you", make meal for him etc.). Think about his possible responses to this -- be prepared with your non-response. Mental preparation is more then half of the battle.
Then, write out a list of all the things you ARE going to do -- things for YOU. Find a way to carve out YOU time -- whether through mommies groups - or getting a babysitter. Make your plan for a future without him. He may pull his head out of his ass -- he may not. There is nothing YOU can do to make it happen. Prepare for the "worse" and that will help take away the 'fear" factor.
Remember -- fear and habit are your enemy. You need to prepare to fight this battle. The 180 will feel horrible and unnatural in the beginning -- and then it won't anymore.
You are stronger than you know, trust that. I didn't want my marriage to end. I loved my husband with all my heart and trusted him. I could not imagine my life without him in it.
Dday blindsided me. He asked me to leave when I confronted him. I had hopes that the marriage would somehow survive.
What I discovered, is that I had to look at his actions, not listen to his words. His actions told me that the marriage was over. He did not treat me in a way that said he wanted to continue the marriage. He said he was on the fence, but his actions were clear.
Read the Healing Library. Post here often. Get the support you need from friends and family. Talk to an attorney and find out your rights. Sleep when you can, find the things that will help soothe you. I drank a lot of hot tea and took a lot of hot baths.
I never thought I had the strength to get through this. There were many days, that the pain was so intense that I was rolled up in a ball on the floor. I cried until I could not cry anymore. The heartbreak was wrenching. All I had to do, was breath. That was all I could do, just breath through the pain.
I have found that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. The unthinkable for me has come true, I am divorcing him. I love myself now, and I know I deserve more than a spouse that lies and cheats. For me, that was the choice. I have walked through so many fears the past year and a half and I am fine.
You will be okay. You don't have to do this anymore.