Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
again, I am so sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your kids are exposed to filth like this.
I talked to the attorneys. There is nothing I can do about my children meeting her. STBX and OW were very shrewd and calculating, waiting until they filed their last Motion. They knew there was no way we could tell the judge or add any new evidence.
After all, they are both attorneys.
I am hoping and praying that the judge will come back with a ruling that addresses this issue. Either through limited custody or some sort of ruling about my children meeting the OW. It's possible, because the custody report said my children should not meet her for at least six month (during which STBX would be getting treatment) and not without the intervention of a child psychologist.
So I wait. Also, thank you for the phone idea, and for the reminder about touching. OMG, my children are so young and sheltered. It's all terrifying.
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:17 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
I'm sick over this for you. How did you find out? It does sound calculating. So they BOTH get their jollies from tormenting you?
My children are young adults, but four years ago I was so afraid my teens would meet one of my X's prostitutes out in a restaurant or bar. It made me sick. What you are dealing with is so much worse.
I have a friend whose SA ex-husband took in a roommate for awhile. She was concerned that he was most likely met by her X at an SA meeting. She wanted to protect her children, too, and her ex fought her on it. There wasn't much she could do. (He's since moved out.) It's all so scary.
My unqualified two cents? Document the hell out of this, and everything else he does between now and the ruling (because you know there will be more). Of course continue with the therapy for the kids, because YOU are following the court evaluator's recommendations, but aside from that don't give Genius the satisfaction of a reaction from you. Because while it may not be able to be used now in the ruling, it may be used for an appeal or amendment to visitation and other things later.
If nothing else, when the kids are older, you can show them that he definitely went against what he was supposed to do, and probably lied about it.
Stay strong. You are doing so well. Hang in there.
The issue is ugly and kind of two-fold...one part is, (at least in the state where I live), so long as a child is not harmed, a parent can do many things with children present. It's pretty crazy to imagine but has happened for my kids, one of whom is 10 months old.
The other issue is morality, in my opinion...if that's the right word, I'm not sure. I mean it to say that while you would not do such a thing, ow and x are different people -in my children's situation, for it's not "mine", their father and ow are very different people than I am. I can't generalize so use this example. I hear from my dd that the door is often shut and I hear of female names I do not know from her. I hear of tobacco. She is only 11.
There is nothing I can do unless they come to bodily harm and it may be likely the same for your kids.
I am sad for them all and for you to have to bear it. I've had to do some letting go of my own, almost as if they are off at college. I simply do not think of them being where they are, even though it sounds very selfish at first-rather, it's self preservation. I have some friends who do the same, because there's no other way to cope with it.
I'm sorry and kids do deserve better.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Ashland, yes, everything you write is true. I will keep fighting for as long as I can, but there is no doubt I'll have to let go of many things at some point.
Right now I'm most worried b/c we found out he's going to appeal for sure today. Not that we've even gotten the decision yet from the judge.
Day by day. It's all I can do, especially now that I'm working.
we found out he's going to appeal for sure today.
How are your children doing, Hope? Did they say much about that SA-OW? Hugs, Woman! Your calmness about this absurd, horrid situation is inspiring. I'm soooo sorry for what he does to you and the children!!!! It is a blessing that the children have you.
Anyhow, I don't think I'm calm. I think I'm in denial and compartmentalizing everything to get through the day. I did this throughout my marriage, and I have to assume it's not so healthy!
But it's very useful at this moment.
My kids seem to have no reaction to meeting SA OW. They said she was nice. They only met her for 45 minutes for dinner at a restaurant. I was so shocked he brought her to this restaurant; it's a few blocks from our home in our city - definitely my turf. I can't go to that restaurant without running into families I know.
The kids don't seem to understand she's his GF. They just think she's a friend.
Anyhow, the only good news is that he's going out of town on vacation (isn't that nice?) for ten days. I'm praying the judge doesn't send his decision until Monday when he's already gone.
Thanks as always, compartmented - you keep me going here.
I think that compartmentalization is a defensive move we make to survive, but one we recognize and will deal with later. I know that I am further out than you, and I *know* there's a lot I haven't dealt with yet. I'm so happy that FT X is out of my life and I'm slowly getting things settled in my life. I will get through this in therapy one day, but I understand the whole two-to-five years to recover from being a spouse of a SA now. Add in more for abuse? And then, I don't really count the years of fighting to get divorced as "healing" years. A real shit sandwich, but there's a huge amount of light, happiness and joy now! You keep pluggin' away!! You're getting closer!
I'm hoping that his appeal gets shut down early on. A couple of defeats in court might turn him away a bit.