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User Topic: Help for SA family?
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Question  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So does anyone here have an idea of how to support a family member who is SA and divorcing? My brother is obviously broken. He knows he has ruined a good marriage. He knows he has been selfish. He knows it is all empty. I think he has a therapist and can tell him to get in SA if he isn't already (I think he has done NA).

Is there anything someone on the outside can do to help? He is only going to get worse without his wife there I imagine--the guilt and loneliness seem like a bad combination. I want to be a support and not an enabling presence or a shaming one. Is there anything I can do to provide some sort of life raft or useful encouragement?

I know that with my exWBF his brokenness was not mine to fix--but family is family. My brother is not hurting me directly and it hurts me that he is hurting himself. I want to know if I can do anything in particular to help tip the scales toward healing.

Thanks and (((hugs))) to any with some experience on this.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing you can do other than encourage him to attend meetings, be honest with his accountability partner, and work the steps. Do not try to be his counselor. You're not trained for it. Tough love is what he needs right now. He has to do this on his own. It is gut-wrenching to watch someone descend to their rock bottom. You must not cushion their fall.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9687 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you NG. I needed to hear that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seconding what Nature Girl said. The last thing he needs is someone feeling sorry for him. I know he is your brother, I know you want to help, but you can't.

HE has to do this on his own. And he knows it, especially of he's in NA. they don't pull any punches in either fellowship.

I have a brother in NA, a son in AA, a H in SA. Let him deal with his own stuff.

Hugs, honey.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3546 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother is not hurting me directly and it hurts me that he is hurting himself. I want to know if I can do anything in particular to help tip the scales toward healing.
CSAT and daily 12-step meetings for him. Al-Anon for you - it's a family support group. I've seen long-term dedicated Al-Anon members at meetings due to a sibling's troubles. The best you can do is "show" him recovery by working it yourself.

I was recently at a meeting where an AA member attended Al-Anon. He spoke of how both of these programs support healing of "self".

{{{ n b }}} Addiction is heart-breaking.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Aug 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is only going to get worse without his wife there I imagine--the guilt and loneliness seem like a bad combination.

Gently...he is not going to get better while his wife is his rudder. My wife and I both used each others as rudders for life....thinking the other's strengths would be used to fill in our weakness's. We falsely thought that since the other was doing what we are weak in, we didn't have to strengthen that part of us. It worked....until it failed completely.

I will always be the more analytical one, my wife the artistic one. So I am not saying we become just like the other....hardly. Our differences are our strengths as a union. If we were identical, one of us would be unnecessary! But M is a training ground, a growing-out station. As we become healthier we are looking to each other not to carry us, but to learn from and walk more well-rounded on our own.


I use Every Mans Battle. I am also considering attending Al-Anon as my wife is a COA and I have heard, like others have, that Al-Anon can support people who are in relationship with people who come from alcoholic settings. I am also curious as how these meetings might help me with my own internal addictive, compulsive, habitual use of porn. SA-Anon meetings are 2 hours away....Al-Anon are 2 blocks away. The analytical part of me is doing the math on time and fuel expense......

Its a tough thing....to love someone enough to step back and let them struggle. As a CoD....I know this battle.

Keep the faith. Build your support network. Post often. We are meant to fellowship.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3699 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re your brother: what NG said.

Re your SIL: not sure what your relationship with her is, but it would be a kind gesture to not just 'bail' on her -- you don't have to be besties or anything but she needs support too, kwim?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'll try Al-Anon to navigate this for myself. My brother was my idol growing up, it is totally bewildering to think he has been leading this secret, compulsive life. I know he is only human of course and I know he is sorry...but, he still broke my SIL's heart and her trust and threw away the marriage for something so cheap.

As for my SIL she has been a mix of sister and best friend the decade plus I have known her and I will absolutely never abandon her, which I told her last night when we spoke. I'll let her set the limits of that--I am pretty sure she will want to keep the relationship (as do I--I have so much support to pay her back for from when I went through my own crisis like this, and I will love her always), but it may be hard too to keep it up at certain points, which I have told her is also her right. I am going to try to fly out and be there soon to see if I can help her or him at all.

I just wish people could show up for their relationships and for the people who love them and not be so broken.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 8

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