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Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: DD2 - Father's Day
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So basically she agreed to “sacrifice” her happiness and remain married to you in exchange for you not exposing the OM…
How romantic and noble of her.
So for the next years she will be all gloomy and moody because she made the “ultimate sacrifice” of becoming the damsel locked in the tower to save her White Knight…

No.
Look – I’m going to be brutally honest with you. Honest to the point of this qualifying as a real 2x4…

So far you have experienced limbo for an extended period. You finally get reaction when you take action.
So what will happen if you agree to her demands?
Nothing.
….
She will be grumpy. She will feel denied. She will put the blame of all the world’s problems on you.
And then… 2-3 months from now… she will send OM a message asking if he’s OK.
From there it will develop into another full-fledged affair.

So basically she’s offering an alternative limbo. Only at that time the investigators won’t take you seriously and the chances of OM getting prosecuted will lower.

No friend. Firm up. Tell her that she’s welcome to work on reconciliation but it’s non-negotiable. OM and your prosecution of him has NOTHING to do with her and her affair but everything to do with how he has misused his power to tread on you. IF she can’t accept that then she’s totally free to go be with him. He seems like such a stand-up guy that he’s willing to let her go in return for escaping the investigation.

Why does she need to commit to NC face-to-face with OM? IMHO that’s like toasting a commitment to sobriety with a shot of Jägermeister. NC should be cold-turkey.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5566 | Registered: Sep 2005
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW's IC who told me that she has been advocating to my WW that she drop OM and R with me, in exchange for me withdrawing complaint with police against OM and other cop (who it turns out sits in front of us in church) and meeting with OM.

Wait, WHAT???? Her IC wants to blackmail you into accepting her terms for R? Honey, that isn't R!

R begins when WW is remorseful, and I would not for a minute agree to dropping those charges. Protect yourself. You can think abour R when WW is willing to protect you too.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to the face to face NC. I didn't understand why my wife needed to do the same thing until she explained that when she texted him to end it he didn't believe it was her, thought it was me so he didn't leave her alone. She said she had to make sure he knew it was coming from her. It took a few minutes and now I see why she had to do it.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where you live, but I find it hard to believe that any type of LICENSED counselor would get involved in this scheme.

Is C licensed, or simply a shingle hanger? There are many of those, as I am told.

If licensed, I'd also consider informing the state licensing board.
Crooked cops, unethical counselor. What's next? How does your WW attract such unsavory characters?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your quick replies. I think that I may have misplaced a comma in my description. IC has been in my corner advocating To WW that she R with me and drop OM, and therefore it would not be unethical for WW's IC to also do MC for the both of us.

WW offered the package deal including dropping complaint against OM. Earlier this morning, WW and IC met with OM together, and gave NC notice to OM. WW will have no more contact with OM, and I'm not going to meet him.

Immediately on DD1, WW said that OM dropped her to protect his job, and threat was made at that time. WW said that she was crushed that OM turned out "not to be the man she thought he was." Apparently, not crushed enough. I am very wary about going forward, and strongly suspect that he will try to contact her, before she tries to contact him.


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the subject was broached:
Whether the OM respects or believes NC is never an issue and therefore not a valid reason for a face-to-face NC meeting.
The NC letter is short and unemotional and it clearly states the consequences of not respecting NC.
So a WW that sends her OM an NC letter should end the note with words to the effect of:
“… will never again be in contact with you in any way or form. I request that you respect this wish and do not attempt to contact me in any way or form. Any breach of this request will be shared with my husband and can lead to legal action.”


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5566 | Registered: Sep 2005
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to question the sanity of a woman who isn't willing to go complete NC with an OM who is threatening her family.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4225 | Registered: Sep 2005
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not drop your case. He is an adult, and therefore should receive consequences for his actions.

You also need to figure out whether your wife wants to reconcile because she actually wants to remain with you, or because at this point in time divorce would be inconvenient for her.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes to what Bigger and Zedlepplin are saying..

OM is an adult and doesn't get to escape the consequences like a spoiled little boy...Same with WW..

Mini vent here..

What is it about marriages..

What gives one spouse the right to walk all over the other spouse to the point of swallowing him or her whole?

I am mad that your WW had the gall to even present that deal to you....Truly a crappy deal in exchange for not outing the A or OP if you ask me...Just because you are married to her doesn't mean that all your common sense disappeared...She shouldn't treat you as such..

I don't think people entertain such crappy deals behind betrayals that happen in the business world or in relationships non romantic in nature..Instead there are stiff consequences and NC...Period...End of story..

The WS's and the OP's need to man up or woman up and take the consequences that come to them, coz the consequences are gonna happen anyway, like it or not...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:32 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2011
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The deal your wife presents says she wants to protect the OM not the Marriage or you or the family, that's all you need to know

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2013
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thankful for this site, where others, such as ZL and dd, share my beliefs. What's going on is that OM is now very fearful that he is going to have to accept the consequences of his intentional conduct. I've since learned that the Internal Affairs officer is a 20+ year off duty friend of OM. Upon taking my complaint, the IA officer has unfriended OM on Facebook and will not respond to OM's e-mails asking why. OM is freaking out about that. I got that info from WW before NC session at IC's office. WW talks non-stop during any argument.

On DD2, I made my complaint in the middle on an emotional charged argument with WW , and made accusations without giving my bases for my accusations. Tonight, I plan to make a supplemental statement laying out all the factual bases for my accusations and letting the chips fall where they may. I don't think that's what WW and OM had in mind.

After DD1, WW claimed up and down that OM was blameless because he didn't know WW was married. That's BS given all the dropped calls whenever I walked in the room, and the his-her second phones, etc. No such argument possible after DD1. In other jurisdictions in NJ , this is conduct unbecoming an officer and an immediately fireable offense which is should be as my circumstances bear out. But not in my jurisdiction where the OM cop must merely recuse himself from any law enforcement action involving WW's family. Turns out that IA officer responded to a call at my home when I wasn't home involving my step son. It turns out that he was accompanied by OM in an official capacity. My supplemental statement will state WW's stated date of commencement of A, and I'm going to ask IA officer if his visit to my house occurred after that date and if so, why no recusal.

Thus, even if no criminal charges come out of this, other police forces would not hire him if he decides to un-retire. OM and WW are both 45, and are 9 years younger than me. I would have gone crazy with boredom if I retired at 45.


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on is that OM is now very fearful that he is going to have to accept the consequences of his intentional conduct. I've since learned that the Internal Affairs officer is a 20+ year off duty friend of OM. Upon taking my complaint, the IA officer has unfriended OM on Facebook and will not respond to OM's e-mails asking why. OM is freaking out about that.

Good!!! Let him continue to freak out. In fact, the less you say about what you intend to do, the better. This shifts the power to you. Continue to press forward.

Also, just catching up since last time I posted to you. It bothers me that WW want you to drop any complaints against OM. Clearly she is putting OM before you AND the family. I would say no way you drop the complaints and that YOU are choosing to protect your family first and foremost. Especially since she's not willing to. This guy has been around your step son and in your house in an official capacity...sheesh! Keep moving forward with the details.

Are you still thinking about visiting with a lawyer and exploring your options of D? At this point where she is choosing defending OM over your family I would file for D and say it's up to you to get us out of D if you want R.

Your doing well Alonelyagain.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got back from meeting with IA officer. The complaint against the cop still on the force has been simultaneously closed and withdrawn by me. The complaint against OM is being refered to prosecutor's office for its consideration.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know when you will hear from the prosecutor's office by?

I assume you are keeping WW in the dark on this. Is she continuing to ignore NC?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yop: WW gave NC to OM on Tuesday in the presence of IC. I remain doubtful as to whether or not it will stick. I have an initial solo session with WW's IC on July 3 prior to start of MC With WW's IC. Both IC and I have told WW that MC will be useless if she breaks NC with OM. As an aside, I absolutely hate the term "contra-indicated" as used by the IC in this context, and it drives me up the wall for no apparent reason, just the word itself.

The IA officer did not give me a time frame. Nevertheless, the resolution with the Police Department, as opposed to retired OM, has lighten my anger load substantially. The PD headquarters is located a few blocks down the street that I live on. Every time I used to pass by it (at least twice a day), a wave of rage would overtake me. But, not this morning.


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as it's just the word and you agree that if she breaks NC that MC is useless.

Glad you can claim your block back!

I can't remember...did you say something about exploring options with a lawyer earlier. Getting to know your right and what will happen in that context would be wise if WW can't hold up her end of the bargain.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yop: yes, it's just the word "contra-indicated" in any context. A pet peeve of mine.

Prior to DD1, when I suspected but could not confirm A by myself without PI, I consulted a divorce attorney and retained that attorney's PI. Prior to DD1, WW's relatively wide circle of girlfriends dwindled down to just one. That remaining girlfriend's H told me that his W was cheating on him and recommended his pit bull woman attorney. I consulted with her and learned my rights and what to expect. No need to do that again. My next visit to her, if necessary, will be to give her the retainer and to green light the drafting of a complaint.

It's funny, in retrospect, I think one of her former girlfriends tried to alert me to the A at the very beginning. She was talking to another woman waiting for the train, within ear-shot of me, about an all-female annual fashionshow in town that WW also attended the prior night. The then girlfriend kept on glancing over at me and saying that "a cop" was there. I really didn't pay much mind at the time, but it must of registered. One night while dozing, a number of events including that one were running through my mind. I, literally, shot up out of bed and said out loud "holy shit, it's a fucking cop". The use of his/her second phones (both of which I unknowingly paid for) and the difficulty experienced by PI to come across confirming evidence, leads me to believe that OM has done this more than once before. I know that this can also be said about WW, but she never exhibited this sort of behavior before.


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
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