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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Treasuring reality
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure what I am feeling and what exactly I want to express in this post, but I feel compelled to post.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but BW and I suspect that DS might have a condition and that has really thrown us in for a loop. BW relayed the news to me before the weekend and me being an ignorant ass tried to comfort her without knowing what I was talking about. When I did some research and found out, I feel like I was hit by a truck. I had trouble sleeping and when I woke up, I felt like I had a giant sitting on my chest.

BW and I talked about a number of things; medical care, living arrangements and the future. One thing that we agreed on was that we were going to ensure that every single day that we have with DS, we will love him, let him know how much we love him, and support him and make each day the best that we can make it.

That being said, this weekend was a blast. I felt that I had a renewed sense of purpose and energy and BW and I took DS out and about and laughed and had a great time. We took him to the beach for the first time and it was so special.

I look at my son and I see a beautiful, wonderful, amazing boy and I am trying to keep positive, but I am hurting a lot on the inside. BW has been the rock and she has seen when I am going into my special place and reminded me that DS is okay at this moment and that I should be present.

I have always been an optimist (or an ostrich, depending) and always thought that no matter what happens that everything will be okay or that nothing terrible will ever happen to the ones that I love. It's hard to change that perspective and reorient that towards reality and the truth, but it is something that I am doing.

I guess I just wanted to share that, I am a recovering SA and my usual MO is to act out, but I am fighting my urges to do so hard. I am just reminded that I have a long road to go down and that I have to be safe and present for DS and BW to be around. BW relayed that she can't do this alone and I don't want her to do it alone.

I guess this post is also a way for me to memorialize what is happening and why I have to get better, live recovery, and live in the right now. I feel like I can drift off, fantasize, act out, whatever, and everything will pass me right by and that will be another layer of hurt on top of the things that I am trying to clear out of my mental closet.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear about you DS. Hold on the the "might have" because that also means "might not have"

Looking at the silver linings:
You are presented with an opportunity right now. Now you need to support your BS and DS. This is a huge opportunity to be selfless. This does not mean to not address your issues. But you need to be strong for them. This includes being strong for yourself.

I felt that I had a renewed sense of purpose and energy

Try hard to stay "Present" if the condition is serious you will need to be in today. My middle DC had a condition that gave him a 1 in 14million chance to survive. He is 10 now!! Enjoy what you have, because at some point it may not be there. Practice this with your DS and extend it to BS. don't live int the past, learn from it. Don't live in the future, plan for it. Live in today. It is all of the choices we make today that guide our future.

another learning moment

BW relayed the news to me before the weekend and me being an ignorant ass tried to comfort her without knowing what I was talking about

I understand to need to comfort her. I think it may have been better to use active listening, and to understand from her exactly what she is feeling and the ramifications of it before trying to comfort her. She still needs comforted, but how much better to comfort her from a realistic standpoint, than her to think that you do not understand.

Glad to hear you have a great weekend!! Moments to hold on to.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actionsoverwords, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It's very good that you and your wife are addressing any possible issues sooner rather than later, as you already know.

I know you know everything I'm about to say, but I want to offer you these reminders anyway, just because, I suppose:

No matter what you do right now, be it an A, drugs, driving too fast, drinking, whatever - this issue will still exist. Nothing is a permanent escape, and no form of acting out will aid you, your wife, or your son, in any way.

Any form of escapism by one parent will only add to the burden of the other, whether or not the escapism is ever known by the other spouse. Taking focus away from the issue means the other party must take up the slack.

You love your family, and there is nothing on this earth that means more to you than they do. No amount of self indulgence will ever be as meaningful to you as your family, and there is nothing on this earth that you would trade your family for.

These aren't new thoughts, but sometimes reminding ourselves of these things helps.

I hope you're able to obtain the answers regarding your son sooner rather than later. Being in limbo can be worse than actually knowing the truth, whatever that truth is.

(((((Actionsoverwords)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DrJekyll,

Sorry to hear about you DS. Hold on the the "might have" because that also means "might not have"
Looking at the silver linings:
You are presented with an opportunity right now. Now you need to support your BS and DS. This is a huge opportunity to be selfless. This does not mean to not address your issues. But you need to be strong for them. This includes being strong for yourself.

Agreed. I acknowledge that I am selfish and have narcissistic tendencies and I need to do this without turning it back around on me.

Try hard to stay "Present" if the condition is serious you will need to be in today. My middle DC had a condition that gave him a 1 in 14million chance to survive. He is 10 now!! Enjoy what you have, because at some point it may not be there. Practice this with your DS and extend it to BS. don't live int the past, learn from it. Don't live in the future, plan for it. Live in today. It is all of the choices we make today that guide our future.

I am so glad that DC is going strong! Your advice is noted and I have been putting it into practice. I was exhausted today, but when I saw DS today, I picked him up and gave him all of my energy and we danced and sang and just had an awesome time. Living in today is what allowed me to that.

I understand to need to comfort her. I think it may have been better to use active listening, and to understand from her exactly what she is feeling and the ramifications of it before trying to comfort her. She still needs comforted, but how much better to comfort her from a realistic standpoint, than her to think that you do not understand.
Glad to hear you have a great weekend!! Moments to hold on to.

Exactly. She was upset and I should have practiced active listening. It's indicative of my selfishness, even in everyday conversation I cut her off a lot and I feel like I did the same here. I was a bit better today, but practicing humility is probably the only way I can actively listen.

Actionsoverwords, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It's very good that you and your wife are addressing any possible issues sooner rather than later, as you already know.
I know you know everything I'm about to say, but I want to offer you these reminders anyway, just because, I suppose:

No matter what you do right now, be it an A, drugs, driving too fast, drinking, whatever - this issue will still exist. Nothing is a permanent escape, and no form of acting out will aid you, your wife, or your son, in any way.

Any form of escapism by one parent will only add to the burden of the other, whether or not the escapism is ever known by the other spouse. Taking focus away from the issue means the other party must take up the slack.

You love your family, and there is nothing on this earth that means more to you than they do. No amount of self indulgence will ever be as meaningful to you as your family, and there is nothing on this earth that you would trade your family for.

These aren't new thoughts, but sometimes reminding ourselves of these things helps.

I hope you're able to obtain the answers regarding your son sooner rather than later. Being in limbo can be worse than actually knowing the truth, whatever that truth is.

painfulpast,

Thank you for the reminder. I have been fighting hard today, making a call to my sponsor, calling treatment facilities, attending a mid-day church service, and now writing, because I immediately want to regress to acting out looking for relief.

I think by trying the things that I could control and speaking with BW, it has helped.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actionsoverwords, I've been thinking about you and your family. How are things going? How are you doing?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, painfulpast,

Thank you for checking in. We are doing okay. BW and I spoke again about DS and I am trying to not blow things out of proportion and stay level headed and supportive of both BW and DS; at the same time, actively living my recovery.

Had a great afternoon with BW and DS. One of the things that I just realized was that in the midst of the addiction fog, all I ever did was save images of acting into my mind and there was no room for the great times and memories I had with BW. When she threw away memorabilia, photos, and gifts, I was livid because those were tangible things that helped me remember our good times. But the truth is, those items and memories were stained with the ugliness of my SA and lies and all of the things associated with the aforementioned. I am steadily saving the images of these great memories into my mind and deleting (or trying hard to delete) the tainted memories.

I know that one of the things that a CSAT said to me was that I had to replace negative memories and behaviors with good ones and reinforce that action. I am working on it, one day at a time.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 6

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