We married on Christmas Eve 2013; his idea, he even applied for the wedding license. But here is the horror: in September of 2013 he had started an affair - yes, on christmas eve he looked into my eyes and said vows that were 100% already broken. five days after our wedding he was emailing the OW, they were discussing their New Year resolutions, and he told her that the best thing he had done in the past year was have the courage to take her in his arms.
I have over 100 emails, and have drawn out the missing bits from him, even if it simply becomes more nightmarish. He had referred to me as his wife up to December when he suddenly comes clean with her that he is getting married. She fawns and says it doesn't matter, says supportive things to him. I cannot believe how ramped up the affair becomes in these emails after this. WS found his kill partner; he told her an ugly truth, she lapped it up, he thought that amazing of her to accept he wasn't a trapped husband but rather a man about to get married, but she must be so special if he thought she was his world. No logical sense in that, and why didn't he just leave me be, but no. He only made ugly what should have been the happiest day of my life, and forever now Christmas Eve will be a trigger for the humiliation and loss of innocence. It gets worse.
Just weeks later they are still desperately planning how to be physically together again. Oh, you people are gonna love this story: he was working an overseas posting, as was I but in another country. They met, got their affair on, but then only four months later she had to go for her yearly six months elsewhere. He did not get renewed at his job so did not know if he could get back when she returned to their common post, so they were moving heaven and earth to be together. He spent hundreds of dollars to actually buy a round trip tkt from a post he was no longer at ( but hoped to return to in time to use same) to a rendezvous in at other country, on Valentines day-- doubly crazy as after no new contract, he had come back to our home, and I was to return to same home on - yes folks-- Valentines day.
Oh but there is more-- two weeks after our marriage they are scheming on how, when he does get contract renewed, that he can come to live with her at her apartment in overseas post, they go through a checklist of lies they have to make sure are watertight, including what to do if I should come to visit.
It's all so sick and heartless, and if I hadn't discovered the emails on D Day it would still be going on. He gave away everyone of the things that were ours, including the exchange of clothing so each of us could sleep with something with the smell of another on it-- somewhere in the world my husbands shirt is in the possession of this sad desperate beast of an OW. Confronting WS was an eye opener, he kept insisting all emails were innocent and were fake; W had this stalker, see, and she was going to pass the emails among her friends so stalker would hear she had a boyfriend . Yes folks, that was his explanation. And he held into that for a long while, including claim that he had never slept with her when there were the emails, the talk about saving her pillow because it had her scent on it.
And, like over 60% of men who cheat ( oh god have I been on a lot of websites now) the "love that brought the smile back into the eyes" was a pasty faced, flat chested, over 55, never married and quite desperate sad cow who eagerly engaged not only in his fantasy world, but knew that she was involved with a Man who was in a serious relationship and who was now about to get married!!!!! She was LOVING the idea that she must be better than me--- she saw my picture, she knew all about my ugh profile job ( she works for the UN, but her job is a proofreader for their stupid publications, not exactly save the world work -- and her morals? So typical of UN people, they are a bunch of bloody horror psychos - you know, they have this culture of " geographical separation" that makes it alright for hookups).
Oh god there is more but I need feedback. We are in week two of this all, he says he realises what he did but every day we find that no, he has yet to reach the depths of owing his treachery and knowing what to do to heal me. Yes, he is in the " I love you and I am sorry stage" has written the no more contact email to his lover, has handed over control to me to search his laptop and phones , to know all his email accounts, etc, and to start his own individual counselling. For me? I can't get out of bed this week, which is a problem because I must work or else my own project will go down the tubes. I met with a counsellor for the first time yesterday and though it was someone to vent to, all it did was make me sadder. Everything is broken, everything I believed is in ruins, and even the plan for our life together based on a new property we had just bought -- yeah, that is in ruins too. I can't see even a week into the future, much less the years of reconciliation I read about here. I have just come off the shock of finding out the man I married is a complete stranger who would have no compunction about destroying my life in service to his need -- which in this case was not about sexual gratification-- oh, the poor unlucky couple actually had problems in bed!!!! BOOHOOO!!! No, it was about him needing so badly a lapdog to boost his fragile ego, it was about him escaping the reality of a solid relationship and all the stuff he was not taking care of in his life. What do I do, where do I go to from here, how the hell and why the hell did he look into my eyes on our wedding day and lie so convincingly, why didn't he just run off with her and leave me to have my life???????
[This message edited by Amazingyetlost at 11:29 PM, June 16th (Monday)]
It's awful when special days are corrupted by infidelity.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
Oh god, I see you have had two d days. I am so sorry for you. While I am in that space of trying to figure out if WS means what he says about wanting to do better, you have already had that, gained some hope, then had it bashed all over again. I don't know how we all survive this. But I know that since posting hours ago I have had more support than in the past two weeks. It makes ya think. God bless this place where we can all come together, and thank you so much for your post, and I hope you are getting as much support as you can in your own journey through this
I am learning now to look at the signature of each poster to understand their own situ. I send you my love and hugs for your own situation. And Oh my thanks for the observation, he is indeed seriously fucked up but how do I know if he can get in touch with himself and who he is? If I would have described him before this, it would be to say he is a nice guy, really, never any indication at all of the depths of this deceit . I look at him and I think I am going crazy, I see the man I have loved all this time and I can't make the connection. But no, I won't make any excuses for him nor will I take any blame. Trying to take care of myself but so hard. Also, I have to look it up here, I keep seeing referral to doing 180 but I don't know what that means.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Do the reading in The Healing Library, continue counseling & 180!
I'd write more, but can't handle this tablet.
Also - keep posting for advice - the women & men here are more knowledgeable than my IC.
Totally sucks. Dig down and dig deep because you are at the start of a pretty long journey.
Good call on getting IC started. Yes, more pain to come but you've got to face it head on--no denial! Maybe you should also consider MC as well but if I were you I'd put his getting into his own IC as part of the deal. Seriously, the guy has issues. He can even find someone to Skype with so he can continue his therapy and travel around the world.
Do what you have to do to get through this terrible time. All the crazy you are feeling is pretty normal. It's the new normal. But please be kind to yourself.
Keep us posted.
Step back from the marriage..
The needs of the relationship or marriage no longer trump your own needs..
Here are some basic examples that may or may not apply to your situation but they do illustrate the 180 a little..
Instead of working at a job you hate , sacrificing your own precious time, so that your WH can further his education or career, start taking measures to further your OWN education/career..
While living under the same roof, you carry on your own schedule irregardless of WH's..No cooking, no sex, no emotional support for him at this time..
Nurture your own growth, do big and small healthy things that bring fun and light into your day..Hobbies, classes, friends, pets, irregardless of your WH's opinion or feedback...
Untangle yourself from any joint financial obligations with WH as soon as possible, have separate accounts on everything..
Same with income..Be independent from WH and make sure your WH is financially independent from you..If or when R becomes a consideration, this should never change throughout the marriage..
In other words always be physically able to walk away..You should never feel trapped in a relationship due to financial considerations, logistics..
If you have the luxury of planning ahead, and getting your ducks in a row, consider that leaving a marriage shouldn't have to cause you to be homeless, work 3 jobs at one time, or un retire if you are an elderly BS..
The 180 is a set of behaviors to give you strength..To help you become the INDIVIDUAL who you were or may have aspired to be before you took on the role of becoming someone's wife..
You don't have to decide anything right now but he needs to be completely transparent and to accept total responsibility. are you still posted apart? I would advise you to see a lawyer just so you have the power of information in your back pocket. You don't have to leave--but you should be able to, if he does not follow through and give you what you need.
Peace and strength.
That being said, I honestly feel you've been given the gift of sight. Someone up there was looking out for you and had the compassion and empathy to give you the information you needed to know in order to make an educated decision about how you want YOUR future to proceed. I feel that's a gift even though I'm sure you're feeling it's anything but. Alot of us don't get that gift until we've spent years intertwining our lives together with our spouses - financially, emotionally, legally, physically, etc. etc. etc.
This man married you under completely false pretenses. He lied right in your face when he married you in front of friends, family and loved ones. That makes him nothing more than a con man and not worthy of your loyalty or respect. It was a mean, malicious, nasty, underhanded, calculated, manipulative, dirty, rotten scam he pulled on you - nothing more and nothing less.
And after pulling such a low rent, filthy trick on you, he now expects you to forgive him because he's shed a few crocodile tears and proclaimed his love for you? I could never, ever forgive anyone this low.
About 15 years ago, I was scammed by a man. Not into marrying him, but lied to about his status; he wasn't single and available. He was married - actively married. When I found out (and it took me a long while) that he was actually married which meant he'd lied to me from Day #1 until the day I found out - I was done. Completely done.
Someone who cons you and lies to you day after day after day after day is doing it MALICIOUSLY. They're doing it KNOWING that they're skewing your reality; they do it KNOWING that emotionally, it's going to destroy you when you find out. But they continue doing it because it benefits THEM. How can that be anything but malicious?
I truly hope you don't give this con man another chance. He had one chance to love you and respect you and honor you - and instead, he sunk to the lowest level possible to benefit himself.
Stand strong. One day you're going to know what a mistake he was.
That makes him nothing more than a con man and not worthy of your loyalty or respect
I'm so glad someone posted this because that's exactly what I was thinking...something stinks here...really bad.
Not to pry into your business, but are you well-off financially? You don't have to answer that publicly, but if you are...well...
I rarely encourage people to divorce; I am making an exception here. You may even be able to get an annulment given the circumstances. Talk to a lawyer...yesterday.
I am so sorry - I hope you realize none of this was your fault and you had no way of knowing. People such as your WH are very sick, yet very convincing.
So sorry that you find yourself here. As you have already seen it is a safe place where people care about you.
Your WH is nowhere near owning his behavior and this has to happen before you can even begin to move forward.
You and your life is not a game. It is not a joke. He treated it like both.
why didn't he just run off with her and leave me to have my life???????
Have you asked him this? And what is his response?
Betrayal is betrayal but this is so calculated on every level.
Protect yourself. See an attorney to know your rights. Get control of your finances and get tested for STD's. Sorry it is so much to absorb but you can't trust anything your WH says.
You deserve honesty and truth. You matter.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
Ask yourself , Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort.
He's doing the right things but you have no way to know that he really means it, or that he'll be faithful next year and beyond.
I suspect he's a sex addict, although I am not qualified to make any such diagnosis. Even the most callous WH's usually don't cheat as a newlywed.
reading here about how long a journey I am on, if R possible, is scary. I don't know if I want to spend all that time on the repair of the china cup that will always have cracks and has every possibility of being broken again.
THANKYOU for the explanation of the 180; after reading that I also found the other information on same. Yeah. What about me and what I need!
WH and I are in same country at present, at our home; he's likely not getting a new contract anywhere, but I have to go away for a month in September and then for six months, at least, in November. Great. WH would have opportunities to contact OW only by Internet or phone if he wanted to break NC. That is the reality. But yes, I have already separated finances, and taking legal advice.
Neveragain and LaLa Girl:
wow, that was powerful insight you lent me. Yes, there was an angel, or the spirit of my mom, watching over me. I want to share one story: WH invited OW to his apartment to cook her romantic dinner . She sees my picture on his screensaver for first time, WH actually tells her all about my fab job, then they screw around a bit, but dinner starts to burn so they stop to eat. As she is eating she starts to develop some kind of allergic reaction that causes immediate and extensive rash all over chest and face; she has to leave for hospital or something. LOL!!!! I love that story gleaned from their emails. Oh, and how they had problems in bed: first attempt at full penetration caused her excruciating pain, she goes to GYN, finds out her post menopausal vag has thin walls that got torn, so needs a four week hormone replacement therapy- but as she is leaving for other post in just two weeks, they decide to hold off her treatment until they can meet again for Valentines day hookup. No, the angels watching over me didn't prevent my WH and this desperate cow from having physical and emotional relationship, but that guardian spirit did indeed fuck with their heads.
But also, Neveragain, your comment about the maliciousness of the deeds of lying: YES! WTH?!?!?! My repeated question to him, and in my therapy, is why did he do this to me? He had previously had an awful marriage, it was the talk of the town, he was treated like absolute crap by ex, who later drained him of money too as she left. And at that time he was posted in a place where the working girls are stunning and cheap. And, as his buddies there told me, they thought he was crazy because he didn't cheat. But this guy doesnt know himself and needs a strong fantasy life of just the right kind to feel good about himself, and working girls dont fill the bill. And now I see how our own start of relationship was just as much in a fantasy realm. Yes he was free to get involved, as was I, but now I can compare his emails to her with his letters to me and they are much of the same, only back then I was the one who brought light back into his eyes. And I was quite a catch, too, lending him cachet; my job is pretty cool, and it complimented his own standing. But here's the insight I have gained: as his star sank slightly, mine remained high, and this affair started when he was still in a reasonably " brag worthy" contract, but it was tenuous-- and indeed the job did end at the start of this year, and he has been unemployed since. I look at the possibilities for "why me and not his stinker of an ex" and I think a) still don't believe he didn't mess around to show her who was boss, but also, b) he did it to me because there I was, a star shinier than his, and also, after four years together, the relationship was in the reality phase and I had to tell him off for not taking care of business - his own and ours-- and that seems to have stung the ego. Payback time for being me. And his OW was a total loser-- even her fantasy of being a singer, which she acted out at open mike nights at their local pub, proves pathetic- I have the recordings he made of her sets, and I laugh with glee to find she is fecking awful!!!!!
But I was given the gift of knowledge about all this early,as you say Neveragain, but also, insight: of course he chose a boring proofreader, flat chested, pasty faced, never married twat now in her late fifties: no competition compared to his life. And oh, she was so very grateful for his attention, and the power surge she would have had knowing he chose her over a beautiful and accomplished partner-- WOW!!! and that he would deceive his long time devoted love on her very wedding day.... Yeah that was powerful tonic for them both.
But as you say, also MALICIOUS. That is what frightens me, screws with my head. Yes the potential for same must have always been in his makeup but OMG , how could I have seen it? The con was too perfect, but I tell you, he is really not that smart in the planning and execution department, so he had to take advantage of the one power source available : the fact that I trusted him completely,, that the separations we would experience in our work were " what we do" as internationals. I recognise that giving that trust does not make me guilty of any of this. But I also know that without that trust, this could not have happened, he's just not bright enough. So yes, what do I do and decide about my ruined relationship with a man revealed to be it only stupid, but vicious? I have to take time as others here suggest, but also, take care of me.
Is he on his way to self realisation, is there any reality in the love we did share before he had to have his fantasy ego boost? I haven't the faintest clue at present.
His answer to why the hell didn't you just run off with her was that he loved me. So, first, he has serious denial problems about exactly what he thought was loving me during this time.
Stds yes must get checked, the OW must have DEFINETLY have it away regularly in hopes of netting a guy.
But yes, betrayal is betrayal but this was just off the charts in craziness.
1Faith and Schadenfreude: in the past two weeks I was definitely putting in more energy, but that energy was stripping out the lies and getting the entire picture out of him. He agreed to following all the rules of the road to R, but then I heard it in his voice, he was just knee jerk repeating the formula. He went to IC for he first time, and admitted that when telling a third party, some lights came on-- but I know that he is not near to understanding, really. When he does come face to face with the enormity of what he did I expect him to breakdown emotionally; and if he didn't, then nah, he's shown that he has no empathy nor self reflection, the two things required to be in R, and quite frankly, to be human.
Is there hope in this worst of situations??
There is always room for hope. Please tread lightly. This is all very new.
His actions (not words) will convey if he is truly remorseful. Please look up the definition between remorse and regret. Big difference.
Remember he has spent a lot of time, energy and money living and creating a whole world based on lies. He needs to spend MORE time figuring out how and why he allowed himself to cheat and what he is going to do to prove to himself and you that this will never happen again.
Right now, focus on you. What YOU need.
Good luck at IC. We are rooting for you.