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User Topic: Are you just waiting for someone better?
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44 totally took the words out of my mouth.

Totally get where you're coming from, though. You have every right to decide that this may have been a game changer.

Earlier in R I wondered if I should be paying attention to "the market", but as time progressed I was able to take the lessons I learned about FWH's affair and apply them to my own life.

There are no such things as unicorns. Someone may look appealing but it's only until we have shared the rough times as well as the good that we can see the true measure of their character.

Crazz and I are still struggling, but he's my young daughter's father and that makes him a way better candidate for partnership than someone who doesn't know her. There may be some aspects I miss or need in a relationship, and I'm certainly not perfect in his eyes, but walking down the path of getting to know someone from scratch? Soooo not appealing at this phase in the game.

At the end of the day you need to follow your heart. If this isn't where you want to be anymore, that's ok. If you want to take some time and see if you can grow your M into something new and better, that's ok too.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18278 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether you R wholeheartedly or begrudgingly, do you feel like you are just waiting for someone better to come along?

No, not at all. I don't see how that's different from typical wayward mentality. I see my choices as this: R and continue to honor my vows, or divorce and move on. I wouldn't want to remain in a marriage where I'm looking to "trade up".

Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♂ New Member
Member # 43306
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never considered stepping outside my marriage in the 20 years we've been married. I won't lie, I often notice attractive women, but noticing them is as far as it goes. Now post D-Day I find myself thinking a little further. I wonder about their personalities and interests. I wonder if they would be good lovers. I don't act on any of it, but I do think it. It may be partly to soothe my ego and feel like I have options too.

One thing I have noticed is that post D-Day I'm much more aware of WW and my differences than ever before. Things I put in the back of my mind to focus on the positive, are now brightly displayed in the forefront. It makes me feel sad and disconnected from her.

Me: BH 43
Her: WW 44
2 DS 12,14
D-Day 1/24/14 - Learned of ONS from 10/5/13 and a short term PA from 12/13-1/14.
D-Day #2 9/12/14 She's involved with someone again even though we only recently filed for divorce. I moved out 9/27/14.

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Wisconsin
♀ Member
Member # 32825
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see it as a huge waste of time being with someone while on the look-out for someone "better". If you just experience D-Day, this is understandable. But if you are still feeling that way months from now and certainly next year at this time, then you may want to re-evaluate what you want/need and go after it. The A may very well have been a deal-breaker for you and life is too short to spend time with someone you cannot see a future with.

This exactly. I can't imagine wholeheartedly trying to R with someone while on the lookout for someone better. We are both working in a better marriage, on a better life together. At a certain point, I think you're either all in or you are out. I couldn't do the work if I wasn't all in.

Me: BS 35
Him: FWS 43
DDay 7/1/2011
I'm sad there's a typo in my username. I write on my ipad and edit for typos.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, my WH wanted a 2nd chance ~ he got it, but I demanded better of my him. If he did not walk the walk every single day then I would have ended it and started a new life without him.

He has worked to become a better husband, father, human being so I have no need to "want" for someone better.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all of your input. I know that there is nobody I'd rather be with then my H. He is the one my heart has lives for 28 years. I am expecting that he make all the necessary changes to make R possible. If I decide to go down that road if R with him it will be all or nothing. The whole point of him doing all the work to be a better husband and father is so that I will want him back, and if I have him, I won't want for another........on that note, he better get his shit together and wow me!!!!!

What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shared an elevator with the "someone better" I was thinking of right after DDAy. He's still handsome, rich, intelligent and interested in me but NOPE, I like my FWS.

Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes thought about it early in R.

I wondered why. Before I had a better understanding of my WW, before I really believed this wasn't my fault, I think it was my supremely damaged self-esteem looking for something to prove that I wasn't a huge failure of a husband.

This thought gave me a brief glimpse of insight into what my WW might have been thinking. She suffers from terrible self-esteem. I could see how I could use her A as justification for me straying and even maybe feel like it was a valid thought. Of course, having been the BS, I was also able to recognize the bull that this was, and that killed the 'looking for someone better' thoughts for me for a while.

Later I would sometimes entertain the idea again, but for a new reason. I found myself thinking about how she would react. I sort of wanted to see her experience the pain and panic and abandonment I felt. Again I was able to realize that it was not because someone else might be better. I realized that I didn't really want to hurt the woman I loved, I just wished she could understand better what I went through. Of course, having an A of my own is not the way to do that.

I have not had thoughts like this since.

I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I did at first. I thought that would be the best payback ever to see him hurt just like me. But after joint therapy, I truly understood that this was not about me. It wasn't because I put on a few pounds or was blindsided by my work our boys. It was because this was about HIM and HIS choices. He was seeking for something that really didn't exist.

I have known my H since I was 17 and we are now in our 50's, this happened when we were 45 yrs old. Hell, you would think we knew each other inside and out, but through therapy, I learned things about my husband that I never knew. One thing I know for sure, this is a journey and a long and awakening one at that. If you think for one minute that you can go on without him/her and you just want to go out and hook up with someone, it's okay, BUT if you ACT on that knowing full well that your WS is remorseful and is showing you that they want to make this work, that is a whole different story. Forgiveness is what I know is my life's lesson and I am NOT coming back here again.

Posts: 1842 | Registered: Jul 2006
♀ Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a normal reaction and is usually temporary. Your ego has been shot and your life plans have been decimated.

This is why you should do positive things for yourself. Do those things you have been putting off that will help you grow as a person/employee/student/parent, strengthen your self esteem, and help you to plan your future--with or without WS!

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
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