Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Your "type"
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard a lot of people tell me that the people they end up marrying weren't the person they expected to. And I mean that for many reasons. But mostly that they weren't their "type" ... if that makes sense.

I wanted to see what everyone thought about that.

The reason I ask is because I made friends with a guy at the gym. It started as random talking about whatever and now I'm starting to feel like I'm developing some feelings for him. The funny thing is, if I described what my "type" is, he is far from it.

I've always been attracted to the tall, dark, "bad boy" with some "pretty boy" type who just seemed edgy and not so good for me ... obviously ... haha!

This guy is not extremely tall, has facial hair and has auburn color hair. He is by no means unattractive but I don't think anyone would look at him and think "Daaaaaaang, he's hot!!". He's adorable. He's cute.

He seems like a gentleman. I don't think I'd have any issue with him treating me poorly like the other guys I've dated. He also has his 'ish together. He is a Physical Therapist. So he has a lot of great qualities about him, on top of his AWESOME personality.

Another thing I really like about him is he is super nice but I also think he would put me in my place if I need it. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I don't like pushovers.

I guess my problem is that I'm playing mind games with myself - it is a bit ridiculous. Has anyone ever done the same?

Sooooooo back to my original question - Do people actually end up with their "type"?!


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're talking about type as solely physical. But what does the physical matter, really, beyond attraction? And attraction is a bad basis for a relationship. (I say as someone who has BTDT and is trying to learn).

A good Baggage Reclaim article on the subject is here: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-one/ (there are a few other articles in this series too)


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
TheHardWay
♀ Member
Member # 4342
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I didn't. My OLD profile specified that I wanted a local guy, the taller the better - clean cut, smart, great sense of humor and between specific age.

I MARRIED a man who (at the time) lived two hours away, is just taller than I, had two ears full of piercings (at the time) and was 9 years older than me. He is also from the North (I am a born and raised Florida girl). LOTS OF differences to what I usually go for.

BUT hes amazingly smart - his sense of humor KILLS and he treats me like I am a delicate flower (Believe me, that's funny!!).

I think I found his sense of humor and his brain sexy as hell and the rest kind of followed.

What can it hurt to give it a try?


F-BS 43
DS 24 DS 20
Seperated 2001; Divorced 2003
Remarried to a wonderful man 2008

Posts: 7911 | Registered: May 2004 | From: The Sunshine State
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're talking about type as solely physical. But what does the physical matter, really, beyond attraction? And attraction is a bad basis for a relationship. (I say as someone who has BTDT and is trying to learn).

You sound like my mom haha!

Every time I call her to complain about the men I'm meeting, she always tells me that looks aren't everything. I know, I know - its true. But don't you think you have to have some sort of attraction to the person?


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you need to be attracted! But you should be attracted to who they are, not how they look.

Your mom sounds like a wise woman! Now read the link darnit


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I didn't. My OLD profile specified that I wanted a local guy, the taller the better - clean cut, smart, great sense of humor and between specific age.
I MARRIED a man who (at the time) lived two hours away, is just taller than I, had two ears full of piercings (at the time) and was 9 years older than me. He is also from the North (I am a born and raised Florida girl). LOTS OF differences to what I usually go for.

BUT hes amazingly smart - his sense of humor KILLS and he treats me like I am a delicate flower (Believe me, that's funny!!).

I think I found his sense of humor and his brain sexy as hell and the rest kind of followed.

What can it hurt to give it a try?

So how did that end up happening? Like, what made you give him a chance?

I'm going to give him a chance - definitely!! We are hanging out Thursday night. And its not like I'm not attracted to him. I think its more that mind game of "He's not my type, he's not my type", If that makes sense....


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there are some things in a person's "type" that can be ignored and still have great chemistry, and some things that can't.

My "type" is very tall guys with not perfect bodies, usually dark hair, no facial hair, clean cut, and professional/preppy dressing.

The recent guy I dated was not professional/preppy dressing at all, and we still had great chemistry. Did it slightly annoy me that he was wearing a baggy t-shirt while I was in a dress? Yes. But I still found him attractive.

However, I'm not able to go around my "type" when it comes to height. I've met guys with great personalities who are shorter than me, and I've really tried to give them a chance. I just can't. When I'm taller than a guy, I feel bigger. And when I feel bigger, I feel less attractive. It leads to me slumping, and not wearing the shoes that I want to wear. I just can't do it. I've tried, and just can't. I think it's a shame that there's quite possibly a short guy out there that's perfect for me, but I know myself by now and don't even try to give short guys a chance.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Jul 2013
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, I'm not able to go around my "type" when it comes to height. I've met guys with great personalities who are shorter than me, and I've really tried to give them a chance. I just can't. When I'm taller than a guy, I feel bigger. And when I feel bigger, I feel less attractive. It leads to me slumping, and not wearing the shoes that I want to wear. I just can't do it. I've tried, and just can't. I think it's a shame that there's quite possibly a short guy out there that's perfect for me, but I know myself by now and don't even try to give short guys a chance.

Definitely agree with you on this. I absolutely cannot date a guy who is shorter than me. Unfortunately, that is a deal breaker.

My ideal guy is over 6ft but I know that that is not an average height.

This guy is taller than me. I'd say he is 5'10 or 5'11 but he is very muscular so I wouldn't feel like I was bigger than him.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
TheHardWay
♀ Member
Member # 4342
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wasn't UN-attractive, physically - just not "my type". I gave him a chance because he was amazingly funny and smart. I stuck around because I as I got to know more about him, I realized that he is a true gentleman who smelled pretty darn good 24/7. He was/is good to my kids and my family. He finds a way to make me laugh about anything and scary enough - we have many times said the same thing about the same subject at the same time!

I was drawn in by a laugh - and a smile (he has an amazing smile) and sexy blue eyes - the earrings went away as he settled into a professional job locally and the tattoos are easily covered up - cant hide the Brooklyn though!

Good luck - just have fun.


F-BS 43
DS 24 DS 20
Seperated 2001; Divorced 2003
Remarried to a wonderful man 2008

Posts: 7911 | Registered: May 2004 | From: The Sunshine State
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I look back over all my relationships, I definitely have a type, and that type treats me like shit.

Now admittedly, my issues make me give them lots of opportunity to get away with treating me like shit - that's something I'm working on - but a good person wouldn't take those opportunities. I'm doing some serious analysis on what my type is, and I will never get involved with that type of woman again. I'm encouraged by the fact that I have fled from a few of them during my dating adventures so far.

Of course, I'm talking about more than a physical type. It's personality traits I'm watching out for.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My type used to be bad boys and that did not work out so well. Now my type is guys who treat me well, make me a priority, aren't afraid of their emotions, and have some intelligence and a good heart. I am much, much happier. As far as looks.....I've found when a guy treats me well and our personalities mesh, he becomes the hottest thing ever....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15184 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I look back over all my relationships, I definitely have a type, and that type treats me like shit.
^^^This. I no longer have a type. Sure I am MORE attracted to women with certain features and personality traits but I finally grew up and realized I am missing out on some very cool people. I admit I still go nuts when I see my "type" and they seem approachable. I actively run the other way now though.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My type used to be Courier. Now I lean toward wingdings.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51802 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My type used to be Courier. Now I lean toward wingdings.

In all seriousness though, listen to NaiveAgain and 7yrsflushed. You need to be with someone who is a good, kind, emotionally available person. the rest is just window dressing and if you focus on it you are missing what's really important. I'm working on this in myself. Just start questioning your hormones and stepping back to look at the big picture.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all seriousness though, listen to NaiveAgain and 7yrsflushed. You need to be with someone who is a good, kind, emotionally available person. the rest is just window dressing and if you focus on it you are missing what's really important. I'm working on this in myself. Just start questioning your hormones and stepping back to look at the big picture.

Completely agree with this. I guess it is a flaw of mine that I put so much focus on looks but I will say that I feel like I've made a lot of progress towards being with a guy who is right for me in ALL areas.

Years ago, I would 100% go after my exact type. Now, they are almost a turn off. Of course when I run into my type, my heart flutters and its like a school girl crush but I know that isn't what keeps a relationship going.

That is why I posted to thread. I wanted to get others encouragement and opinion. Its hard for me to venture outside of what I feel is "right".

The guy in question seems like a GREAT guy. No baggage. Has his head on straight. And again, its not like hes ugly. Hes far from ugly. He just isn't the guy that makes you stop in your tracks and think "daaaammmmmnnnnnn".


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just isn't the guy that makes you stop in your tracks and think "daaaammmmmnnnnnn".

The right guy will do that for you, no matter what he looks like. I can look across the room at my SO when he's scowling at his monitor and I'll just turn to mush. Because of who he is. (And no, he wasn't my former type, which was an inconsiderate dickhead. )

I'm glad you're giving it a chance. Never know what can happen!


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15378 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a male friend who went on Match and didn't have any responses. He asked me to critique his profile. After telling him to put up a better picture on his profile, the next thing was telling him to not broadcast his "type". He was so narrow in the physical categories (dark hair only, small frame). I told him that even if I fit into someone's category perfectly, even if they put blonde hair and blue eyes only...I would never respond because it looks like the person is only about the "looks" and not about the person. Even if he didn't pursue the people out of his "type" at least the girls who are his type might respond. He followed my advice. He gets replies now.

For me, I don't have an exact type. I do like taller than me. I can't date someone with just a mustache (beard or goatee are ok...current guy has goatee). I just don't like the 70's porn star look.

My type now is probably less physical and more about personality.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I "had" a "type" - very tall (as in 6'4" or taller), dark hair, etc. Every guy I ever dated, up to and including XPOS, met that type.

I have been dating a guy that is not as tall (still taller than me, and I am tall) with light hair, but we have many common interests, have similar twisted senses of humor, and he is very intelligent. In the past I would have passed right by him because he wasn't "my type" on first glance. But the more time we spend with each other, the more fun I am having. The old "type" has been thrown out the window and I am more interested in overall compatibility.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1016 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Carolinagirl14
New Member
Member # 43710
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The old "type" has been thrown out the window and I am more interested in overall compatibility.

This is about where I'm at, except I do still fight a small battle when it comes to them being my type physically. I guess it is because I've always felt like if there wasn't that physically attraction, how could it work?

However, I know in my head that my exact physical type is SO bad for me and probably won't end up being the type of guy I marry.

Now I look for things like common interests, family oriented, goals, morals, values, etc. I have realized as I get older that THAT is what makes a relationship work and last.

This guy is definitely growing on me. We say hello at the gym and maybe have a short convo in between sets, but we do our own thing which is so important to me. He seems to have his own life and interests and wouldn't smother me.

He is also really sweet. Even small things like yesterday when I was annoyed that there was only 1 stairmaster working and someone kept jumping on before I could grab it, he saw that I wasn't paying attention and the girl was getting off the machine and he went and saved the machine for me.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charlotte
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have a "type" esp physically but I do see people locking themselves into a box with this-and locking themselves out of potentially good relationships


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1744 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.