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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Kids wanting you to get back with X?
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone else had their children pushing for you to get back together with your XWS?

My XWH was left by the Owife recently - and since the kids were told - all they can talk about it XWH and I getting married.

My kiddos were very young (18 months old) when XWH and I separated - and they tuly don't remember a time when we were together. They were also small enough when the final D went though -- they don't "know" what happened

(They know we were married, they know there are special promises you make when you get married, they know he broke his promises, and that is why we are divorced)

Anyway, they are 6 now - and I swear it's like living in the movie parent trap. They are constantly trying to find reasons to bring us together (not that it works) etc.

Any words of wisdom on how to say "Your dad was a horrible husband even before he turned into a cheating douche and there is no way (not even if it's confirmed that he has a brain tumor that caused all of this) that I would ever in a million years consider getting involved with him in any way." Without, you know, -- saying that.

I've tried in every way I can think of to tell them this just isn't an option -- from stating just that (without further explanation) to doing the dance of "some things when broken can't be fixed, and trust can be one of those things" (which i think went right over their heads)

I'm usually good with the tough questions, but this time I've been left floundering.

I also think XWH is encouraging this line of thinking which makes me want to punch him in the goods.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
betrayedfriend
♀ Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you just state, I'm glad we had you kids, but I would never want to be with him again. He is not the kind of person that I would date or marry.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think XWH is encouraging this line of thinking

So he's still a selfish pr*ck, huh?

If it were me, I think I'd tell him to knock it off. It's cruel of him to give his young kids hope.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the exact opposite. Within a month of the separation, my boys were asking if they could DJ my next wedding.

So while I haven't had this exact situation - and my kids are older - I have had to deal with them going on about other things in the past. The no-bullshit approach worked the best for me. I ended up very calmly telling them, "I know this is something you really want, and I'm sorry. You need to realize that it will just never happen, no matter how many times you ask about it." I had to repeat it a few times.

I know that sounds kind of harsh, but they need to have at least one parent telling them the truth. And if your ex really is encouraging this, then you need to tell him the same thing. What an arsehole!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1990 | Registered: Jan 2013
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you just state, I'm glad we had you kids, but I would never want to be with him again. He is not the kind of person that I would date or marry.

Remember that you will be speaking about your kids' father. So while you might want to say the above about him, it will probably be better received if you stated it something like "our personalities were not compatible and I've learned that I really need to find someone that I share a direction for the future with." where you give a general reason without putting either party down. If your XWH is a douche of a father it is better for the kids to decide that for themselves. Also stay consistent in the message so the kids can see your resolve on this issue.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52325 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think XWH is encouraging this line of thinking which makes me want to punch him in the goods.
I see nothing wrong with this approach.


I have read, most kids will always wish their parents would get back together (even into their adult lives). But with the age of yours, it seems a bit far-fetched.

I think being honest with them is the best thing. they will respect that most.

ETA
And by writing, "I see nothing wrong with this approach.", i was referring to the punching him in the goods part, NOT the encouraging the kids. After reading it it sounded like i advocated getting the kids involved, which i DO NOT.

[This message edited by KeepOnMovin at 12:23 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is highly suspicious. Why would children (who didn't remember M) kept mentioning it??

It would be different if they remembered the happy times during M and now you are thrown into poverty so they want a R


no...

Someone is feeding them this idea.

your ex!

Well, he is most likely pestering your children "What did mommy say?...How did she look?"

So instead, when they mention it, I wouldn't even bring ex into the talk. Just focus on how happy you are now, how much you like your life, and what you would rather spend your time doing (travel, work, adventures with your children, etc)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Jun 2012
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely agree that an adult is feeding this! Unless you want to confront Ex about it , your best bet is to be upfront and direct with your kids.

My DS8 pulled this a time or two. He literally asked to see the movie "The Parent Trap", then started asking my all kinds of questions about what kind of "trap" this was. I turned off the movie and told him we wouldn't watch it anymore since it made me sad. He asked "why?", and I said, "Because it doesn't work like that in real life. There is nothing other people can do to make two people get married (a bit of a simplification)." Then I explained that Daddy and I were not going to be getting back together. I am much happier with the way things are now.

Good Luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids have asked on several occasions and I find that extra funny since my exwh lives with OW. I'm sure she LOVES hearing them talk about me and when we were married.

My youngest doesn't remember when we were together since she was barely three when he left. My oldest was seven so he remembers. He gets nostalgic and, lots of times, talks about how he liked it so much better when we were all together.

I don't think my ex feeds them any of this, but, at the same time, I don't think he gives them straight answers either to try to stop the questions. He dances around issues just like he always did.

When they hit me with these questions, I don't bash him, but I just tell them that it won't ever happen and that I'm okay without their dad at this point. A few months ago, DS told me that he would love it if I could go to exwh's house when they were visiting so that we could all be together. He's so sweet, he even said, "I bet OW (who he doesn't know was an OW) wouldn't mind."

I told him that just will never happen. I told him that mom doesn't belong there so I will never go there unless there is an emergency and I need to get to my kids. I'm not part of dad's life anymore, except for parenting. I'm not part of his personal life and he's not part of mine so we just don't visit each other's homes.

That ended that conversation. I know they will still try it, and may still try or fish for answers for a long, long time. I think it's instinct to want your parents together and there are some times when they just don't want to shuffle back and forth between homes so in their little minds they figure it just makes sense to get back together.

Don't bash your ex and tell them that he's not a good person. Remember that they are a big part of him and, no matter what he did, they still want to love him. Just keep telling them that it won't happen and if it comes out that the ex is feeding them information or asking them to talk to you about it, go straight to him and tell him to stop. He made his choice and you gave him exactly what he said he wanted. He can't go back now and he's damaging the kids by putting them in a position to ask.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Jan 2011
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was that age, I was CERTAIN my mom was going to D my father and marry Elvis.

I just KNEW Elvis was coming for my mom.

Point is - kids are kids. Ideas could be planted or just dreamed up.

As we know, we can't control our ex and what they say (if this is even his doing).

Since you have tried to explain "this is never going to happen" every which way already, can you just tell them that you are not doing to discuss it again?

I remember growing up and being told "END OF DISCUSSION" in a tone in which you knew not to even mention it again.

There is nothing wrong with making it clear that this subject is not open to bartering with mommy.

PS - My mom and dad did D and Elvis never came.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2137 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ya'll.

I'm "glad" i'm not the only one.

KMO:

And by writing, "I see nothing wrong with this approach.", i was referring to the punching him in the goods part
-- this is always a good option, as long as the kids aren't around. Although my XWH would probably think it was a come-on :)

Pass:

The no-bullshit approach worked the best for me. I ended up very calmly telling them, "I know this is something you really want, and I'm sorry. You need to realize that it will just never happen, no matter how many times you ask about it." I had to repeat it a few times.

You may be right I may just need to keep repeating it. All those times of giving in after I said no are coming back to haunt me. Parenting fails are like my own personal karma.

Moo - you are totally right about this:

Remember that you will be speaking about your kids' father.

I am always super careful about how I phrase things. Which is part of the reason I was floundering about this. I am always honest with my kids -- and its hard to keep answering the "Why not?" question without saying something negative re:him. I am lucky that he's not a horrible Dad (his general self-centered ness comes through, but he's far from the worst parent I know) but he is a crap-tastic husband - before, during and after the A -- and he's apparently the same with Owife (not that I thought he had changed)-- but for the kids -- they don't have to care that he's a bad husband, and I try and keep that in mind always. Luckily we are generally "impersonally friendly" and deal fairly well together, so I don't have too many reasons for negative stuff to come up.

STBM:

Don't bash your ex and tell them that he's not a good person. Remember that they are a big part of him and, no matter what he did, they still want to love him. Just keep telling them that it won't happen and if it comes out that the ex is feeding them information or asking them to talk to you about it, go straight to him and tell him to stop.

If it keeps coming up - I will think about bringing it up with the XWH - and if I do, I think I’m going to take the PA way - and just bring up the topic (i.e. the kids asking us to get back together) - tell him what i've said re: it (never gonna happen) and ask him to reinforce that if it comes up around him -- and emphasize how damaging I think it would be to let the boys think that it is a possibility. That MIGHT get through, though I doubt it. It's worth a try (or two) at least. My XWH is flat out delusional sometimes I *hears* things other then what is being said.

Gemini & Phoenix

Then I explained that Daddy and I were not going to be getting back together. I am much happier with the way things are now.


Just focus on how happy you are now, how much you like your life, and what you would rather spend your time doing (travel, work, adventures with your children, etc)

I think this could work too -- when we had one of our many "why did you get divorced talks" One of my kiddos asked exactly what promise my XWH broke -- I dodged it for a while until he flat out asked "Was it because he loved OW when he shouldn't have" when I agreed -- he started to cry (he's a super empathetic little guy) and said he was sad for me. I quickly jumped in and told him while I was mad and sad at the time, that I'm much happier now. He was cool with that. Maybe that would help. Although, I think they are worried that XWH isn't happy and somehow *I* am the cure for that.

Thank you for the tips and commiseration. I always feel like I'm tip-toeing through a feild of landmines when topics like this come up.

ETA;
EvenKeal this just cracked me up.

I just KNEW Elvis was coming for my mom.

I think Elvis is more likely then my XWH

[This message edited by brokeninfl at 2:48 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smartass answer:
My kids wanted to eat cake and chips for breakfast every day, but they didn't get that either.


I agree with a previous poster in that someone is feeding this line. They're pretty young to keep bringing it up.
Firmly, gently, and in an age appropriate manner tell them that a Mommy-Daddy reunion tour is not going to happen.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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